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hey San,

I think most of us have found it hard to maintain our usual fitness levels. I find it hard to be consistent with this.

We are still healing our relationship with money and it's bound to feel strange, spending chunks of money on anything. It can also be a sort of self-protective behaviour, to want to hold on to savings in case we had a relapse and had to draw on them.

Sounds like you are doing great, although I maintain that I'd love to see you in a less stressful and demanding job.

f x

Hi, thanks Freda xx

I maintained my 200 push ups a day now for almost 4 weeks. That's basically all i do however i noticed i never slum around so...maybe even steps in helps..

As of job, i know i will be chasing my tail on my return but presently cannot even think about it. Possibly first time in 2 years i dont really give a d**n what workload i have. I rest now...and that is it.

I dunno, ..i kinda did my bedroom. Not sure why it's taken 3 years but its sooo good to refresh...again, gor the first time something for ME to enjoy ?..not used to this self care.  

Am working at home 2 days running. All 9hrs "shifts" which is strange but here we go..something for me 

Strange but deep down i feel i prepare for something.. ..sell up or sister take over after me....something in the air for sure ...6th sense???

Im devastated to see the events in US....please stop the violence ????

No gambling......struggle but im managing..lil baby helps a lot.

Stay safe all

S&B cx

Hi diary,

Finally the kitchen and bedroom are done! I am feeling weird. Kinda proud of myself and just keep checking them now and again to see the fruits of my hard work! Bedroom is really nice place to chill now..im not sure why i waited this long to give it a uplif. It was the only room i left to be since the purchase...

I also got rid of some stuff..put tv outside yesterday with "free" note and 5 mins later there was a knock at the door. Someone local even offered/insisted money for it however i refused...even if struggling financially the intention was to give tv away for free and so i stuck with it.

Garden is also half paradise now. Say that cause some stuff still needs doing (like few fence panels...which are enroute already)...so yes, i kinda feel i can call this place home. Its welcoming...it truly is now.. shame i have nobody to visit lol....but i may nag sister to come round when all the gatherings allowed. 

Was a bit up and down today (not only from running upstairs to check bedroom ?)..   keep having few urges but truly was so busy recently i soon batted them away! Now i have another 5 days to myself. ..oh dear, thats a lot of free time.

Tell ya what, it took me around 3 days to get my sleep pattern back. Nightshifts are truly  killers. They so mess with you it takes time to recover. Now im up like human being at 8:30 ...its amazing to see the morning!

I miss my neighbour. Going to the garden is not the same. I kinda expect him greeting me over the fence asking will i enjoy sun today... i miss him.. truly do, such an amazing gentleman..❤

Lil girl is having time of her life too. I make sure we go down the river every evening.  Just before sunset. Its beautiful out there at that time as well as i enjoy watching her running - swimming.    She is very good girl and always gives me her paws to wipe on our return. Such clever angel...

Well, seems like i spewed it all out....sometimes i miss the outlet.  Talks, chats...friends, people who may be interested in how i get on....??

On a positive - no gambling. Day 290 no slots and still counting.

Stay safe and well all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Me again. As always, find holidays difficult as dont know what to do with my time. Not used to stillness...stillness...hmmmm...staying in the moment? Maybe good stuff...slowing down your thoughts, deep breathing, accepting & appreciating.

I like the idea of stillness...however i cannot apply it to myself. Why? good question.

My mind is racing. Work stuff already rearing its head. I keep thinking what i left off and sadly a bit annoyed that i didn't do one update before leaving. ..however, i also aknowledge that its not the end of the world. Nobody died or about to die. It will only be delayed process on my part...happens i guess.

I thought i was losing my mind few days ago. Maybe more than few days. Everything in my head went in rhymes. ...lyrics! It was tiring to say the least. I was creating stuff in my head and just couldn't stop. 2 days straight. Some may say "oh, that's excellent, shows creative nature"...maybe true but it was strange. Ya know the song "coffee for your head"?..it was the same one in my head just with my own lyrics.  Maybe i like it just wanted to put a positive spin on words.? ?...

Well, i read SA's entry and the evil came out. I desperately wanted to warm my way round just to find out which site the damage was done on!firstly, its very selfish because i wanted to gain something from hurting soul, secondly, he needs support and understanding and not further reminder of his pain. I guess just shows how sneaky gambling head can be! I want to gamble. I would love to spend the rest of leave with my head in the screen, watching reels spin. I would love that! Im completely honest here. Miss my "perfect" escape...is it good to miss something so destructive?do i miss the pain and all the rest what the session brings?do i miss the sinking feeling and suicidal thoughts?do i miss that desperation?....the struggles mentally, financially and emotionally?.....i don't......i just miss the fake highs of it...temporary ups....with permanent downs as always...always the same outcome...

I am fully blocked tho. Blocking my bank cards is proving extremely helpful way..of course i could work other payment method but surely wouldn't be sending a cheque to receive money in acc a week later...hah....what a poor joke huh.. not funny at all....

Anyway, i shall make my way to supoort others on here. Became selfish with my ways recently...me me me...bahhh...

I washed my car, trimmed the hedges and excersiced a little.  That is a good start. No gambling.....hopefully - stillness for the rest of the day.. ?

S&B xx

Very thought provoking post Sandra and total respect for your honesty. I have always admired your coping skills and believe that you have a thorough knowledge and understanding of the insidious filth that seeks to drag us back into it's awful world. It tells us lie after lie and does everything in its power to deceive us but we are strong and we know perfectly well that we must remain gamble free if we are ever to experience peace, calm and contentment.

On a lighter note I was pleased to see that you finished the post with a car wash, bikini wax and a bit of exercise ??‍♀️?.

Good to see that your mind is creating lyrics, rhymes and word play. I really enjoyed the two poems that you wrote recently.

A big thank you for visiting my diary yesterday with congratulations for my arrival at 100 Days GF. I am feeling truly blessed due to having no urges whatsoever to gamble and believe that my time has arrived to be finally rid of the scourge that is gambling addiction.

Wishing you a good day Sandra.

Stephen x 

Hi Stephen, thanks.

Been an ok day so far. Another human sleep and up early. Finished my pushups challenge for the month and moved on to abs one. Will see how it goes!

Nearing 300 days g free and feeling a bit unsettled. Not sure if need a bit of support regarding my emotions....but, i guess i received plenty over the years and am still here....does it work or not then? .or, let me rephrase - do i work the counselling or not?

Had an epic fall yesterday. Taken girl out and then saw this quite massive dog galavanting over the field towards our direction. Off lead of course. ...so me started running with girl beside me and of course she had to cross my path (something triggering her smell sense on the side of the path) and here i was, happily flying over her and landing on my palms/knees. Keys, phone and lighter scattered around and i tried to gather all those "essentials"before the big dog reached the path. Limped the rest of the journey back home but can report no serious injuries apart from grazed knee and bruised pride! Lil girl got a bit scared seeing my unsuccessful flying attempt so also tried to calm her down and assure that its all good....not her fault....just my wonky legs tripping over each other ??.

That's me! Enjoying last sunny day and staying calm....at least trying.

Take care all & stay safe!

S&B xx

Yes, don't go back to the mind numbing spinning reels, desperately hoping for the feature to drop before the money runs out... it feels really s**t. Always has and always will.

Keep on track with all the positive stuff your doing day to day as i try to get back to doing the same.

O and watch out for big dogs galavanting across parks... they might just lick you till you laugh 😉 x

Oh noo!!!! Post gone .  Darnn....

Anyway, thanks SA...xx

Diary, 

Short and sweet. Today i can say i love life simply because i have health, energy and motivation!..no need partners, kids ot houses or good cars or money either! I have what it is needed....my Health. ..the rest, with some work  determination & commitment will follow. For now, i shall keep doing what i  do....the best! Better do it full force than giving half chances! Lest go!

(All the hype is partially Thanks to my PT!!!!!)

Ohhhh... and a dog!i need a dog to love the life and yup...i got her ❤❤❤

We just danced to this one. Yes, WE. lol...how can i not love such energy and togetherness huh.

Peace out..stay safe. Day at a time!

https://youtu.be/oABEGc8Dus0

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Thanks Helen (Admin) for yout kind and supportive words this morning. 

So woke up still tired. Did not sleep well due to the last night's events at work which just continued to play in my head...like stuck tape....over &over again.

Body hurts. Had to do some physical challenges also...on top of all the mental stuff what's gone on. It has been difficult recently...im a bit in limbo. Still love life in one way or form tho...its ok...its good and always could be worse.

Mum is poorly and dad sounds like struggling to cope. Advised to admit her to hospital however he refuses due to current situation.

Ummm..back with little girl again so maybe not all that bad. Still sad as have to leave her as go to work shortly ?.

Anyway, all's good. 300 days tomorrow huh...yeaaahhhh indeed...i can do it.

Take care all

Stay safe, blessings

S&B xx

Hey you! Well done on 300+ days xc

Dear diary,

Today has been an ok one. Kept busy decorating. Work stuff still haunted me but im cool ...i know im safe and well really. Its just a playback, sometimes mote like of what could of gone drastically wrong.

Took lil girl for a walk..she bolted bk home cause of rain ?...i kept up so all is good.  No trips/slips/ fly overs/falls...

Dad's birthday in two days...mine in a week....im thoughtful i guess.

Maybe some music huh..what do you think?i agree....let's do it! Let's keep the motivation going...for YOU.

Love you S same as Bells..keep moving forward

S&B xx

Sandra 

301 days gf a figure to build upon yet a figure to stop and admire , be proud of that, there’s been times we have shared were it may have looked almost impossible.

but resilience and courage have proven that thinking wrong. I salute you my dear friend 

from it continue to grow 

with strength and honour 

Duncs 

Congratulations Sandra on your excellent progress.

300 Days Gamble Free has got a nice ring to it and intend to give it a go myself.

Very proud of you ??‍♀️?

Stephen x ⚘??

Hi Sandra,

Thank you for caring and enquiring re my fathers welfare. It means so much.

Best x

Cheers Duncs, Stephen & Bal..all the best to you guys xx

Diary,

A bit of a bahh day so far. Couldn't drag myself outta bed this morning and so stayed in for a snooze till 1200. Its extremely comforting to turn to the side and cuddle my girl. Its almost a routine even in my sleep. Im not a cuddling person and dont usually like physical contact however this is different. I do also notice that when she is not here, i still subconsciously turn to the side and ....just feel empty bed sheets. Those moments are painful if im honest.. 

Anyway, not sure why im typing all this.

Today is dad's birthday. Made sure i rung up and passed my well birthday wishes. That will do for now until i can get a flight and go see him in person. So my bday follows a week later. Sister got her priorities right and will go to see her mate (my enemy) on the day lol...because, Ohhh...she would get in the mood and befriend her if she didn't ??..really?is that really called a friend...thats my q. 

I don't really mind, its just another day for me. Just a year older as they seem to roll in quite quickly now...

Back to work tomorrow and already feel a bit anxious. Got a meeting arranged and still need to prepare for it..

Spoken to my ex boss yesterday. He ended the chat with a little poem which actually brought tears to my face. Beautiful that was....appreciation for my efforts, dedication and commitment...

Did a lot of decorating these last few days. Seems like im on the task to reform this house lol. . Still not finished but will have couple of weeks off at the end of the month and shall complete it then.

Umm, that's me i guess. No gambling. Looking forward in completing another lil milestone i did on few occasions..but, day at a time huh.

Time to take lil one for walkies. ..some peace and acceptance for me. Love her to bits ❤

Stay safe all, may God protects you now and always.

S&B xx

How much do i love my life?

I dont love it that much because i put myself under so much pressure with work. It rules my life and its so unhealthy i cannot put into words.

First time ever i put it out to my boss earlier today. I don't mind physical harm, but the mental one? Wow...man...i am on the edge now...i need support.

And then something happens (after my shout out for help). ..the worst thing which will no doubt affect me in the long run. Skipping the details, i spoke to boss again and said... so what now? Im feeling in pieces emotionally...i want to quit.

Advice. Sleep on it. Have a drink. ...youre excellent at what you do...believe in yourself. This s**t happens...part of the parcel..

And so, i will do as suggested. Eyes already puffy. 

Advisor on here suggested some songs to listen to..happy ones...hardly on my song list...i will cry myself to sleep, i know that..will i ring in sick tomorrow..plausible really...circs given.

But we must wait and see.

No gambling.

S&B cx