...

Hi Adam and Freda, thank you xx

Freda your concerns are fully understandable. Money (cash) is the biggest tool to spread the germs and it carries all sorts of traces on them. I think next week £45 limit on contactless payment starts off, so hopefully more people will start using as preferred payment method...

Diary,

Beautiful day today. Did some gardening already. Have mixed feelings tho. I dont know why im panicking so much.

Parents back at home. Mum is back from hospital. Dad...dad (thank you dear Lord!!!) is handing his notice in tomorrow. This horrible pandemic has forced him to make the final step and leave job. I am very happy...he was told.not to come in due to his age group and stay on "standby" in case he needs to attend his work. But now he thought about it and said enough is enough. He is 74. He will struggle without work as he is like a potato on hot ash! Not sure you will understand the saying...but he likes to move, be active, work, help out...just go go go.. but im very pleased that he made this conscious decision, to finally look after himself and mum...❤❤❤

Challenges we are facing keeps on coming. This is not the time to give up. Lets keep on trucking all, stay safe, protect urselves and the nation...stay indoors.

Last little note i want to add for my own acceptance. I am scared. Scared to go to work. Scared to catch this. Maybe its ok to finally admit my vulnerability.

Blessings all

S&B xx

Hiya,

Like father like daughter... "likes to move, be active, work, help out...just go go go.."... remind you of anyone 🙂

On the bigger picture... I guess that we are all feeling a bit scared and vulnerable, even those that don't want to admit it (men).

I get nervous about going to work. I just know that am soon gonna be asked to do silly shifts as the world and his dog goes off sick.

We soldier on.

Blessings x

P.s glad your ok... enjoy your gardening

..lile father like daughter....indeed SA...Dad is a lot more polite and compassionate tho...maybe something i need to keep working on.

Diary,

Never thought i will say it (deffo not in these circs) but was glad to be back to work! Bloody hell time just flies then! yeah, made many risks and was even coughed on but ....lets pray for my resistance and continued safety...

13 long hours shift...wow...a bit tired but still, glad i managed to go out in the world and "socialise" if that's the word. 

Got home in 47mins....first for usual 1hr 15mins journey. Need for speed...yes....empty roads...yes yes!!! Thank you nation for keeping us all safe & staying indoors ❤

No urges and no gambling. Clock says 235 no slots and i shall take it!

Miss girl already but sis keeps me updated with their day ❤❤❤..i love my gorgeous bear...truly do. She is my world!!

Lastly, thank you wonderful communication manager on here for the response and reviewing my moderation.. points taken on board...also, thank you all advisers for having your input too ?

So....that's me. Sleep, run and work planned for tom......

Blessings all, stay safe!

S&B xx

Hey lovely,

No shame in being scared. I'm scared. It makes it worse to be around people all day who just don't seem to get it, at all. I mean, we can all make mistakes, have different interpretations but we have to draw a line somewhere.  Sounds like hopefully you have already caught this and had a mild case. Fingers crossed this is true. 

I wish they would hurry up with antibody tests. Would relieve so much concern for  so many people. I have had some sort of viral symptoms but not a fever or cough. Has been hard to trust I didn't have covid when I know I'm at work around people all day. You start to think "can they be sure 100% of people have at least one of those symptoms?" Ugh, you have to just follow guidelines and let it go, sadly.

I really hope I can get an antibody test soon. I would pay from my own pocket. Having a hug from someone would really help right now! I won't see the guy again, unless one of us has antibodies confirmed. I'll double check that's safe and we can't create a carrier in the other, as well. 

What crazy times! I may have to go off sick soon with anxiety. Trying my best but it is triggering that at times.

Thank you so much Freda...hope you're keeping safe.

Dont know what symptoms i had but after today pretty sure i shall find out..colleague interacted with positive covid19 case...unaware and ...well, he got back to the office and...who knows..anyone caught this? We shall see.

Ummm..trying to protect myself as much as i can. Going through PPE like no tomorrow..constantly.

Lost for words a little..miss my lil gorgeous girl..only day 2 but im lost without her. Hope to see her soon. Love her so so much. ...my angel.

That's it for now. Few urges but...hopefully..no gambling tonite.

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B....((((( )))))) xx

hey, San

Animals are an amazing gift to us. I think it's the lack of judgement.

Thanks Freda,

I agree wholeheartedly ❤. I cried a bit at work today because...we kinda struggle emotionally, all of us ...as new cases keeps coming in in front of our eyes. There is nowhere to hide and its quite challenging to the mind to know what we have to deal with. 

We feel it in the atmosphere now and someone even brought a radio in, so we cam keep a bit positivity listening to the music. We do try to keep things light hearted but unfortunately reality is very opose. Not sure if we also, same as NHS staff will need PTSD treatment relating to this virus.....after its all over.

Sister also upset me yesterday when announced that i best leave lil girl with her....till all of this is over..because, she read in a article, pets can catch this too! She already got in her mind that im infected ? cause i deal with covid positive ppl or am in the surroundings where those ppl are..i dont think i have it tbf...but now, my sister won't give my girl back to me! For a few months! w*f? I cannot imagine a day without her, let alone few months.

I understand sister's concerns but...its just very difficult emotions to process.

Kinda left alone completely now...may aswell don't have rest days and work 2 months straight...

Sad...sad day. ??????

((((((((((((((((B)))))))))))))))) 

Hi diary,

So another day. Slept quite bad and woke up after around 3hrs sleep. Tried to close those eyes and relax but mind was just not having it.

Just caught up with Freda's posts which got me thinking...compassion, kindness...and the triggers we get.

Coincidence or not, we spoke about exactly the same last night with colleagues. How did our job changed us? I only had one answer - emotional detachment and got a lot of agreeing head nods from colleagues. Its not if im tougher or stronger inwardly, i think its opose - more vulnerable and sensitive however somehow these senses are completely blocked. I dont know if they get filtered or building up somewhere inside and the time will come for all to let out but gor a while now, i am immovable.

The last emotional sensation i felt was around 2- 3 months ago where i kept a 2 year old child in my arms whilst in hospital. Let him play with my kit and was pretty smashed to the ground feeling some sort of emotion and joy from the boy..curiosity, innocence, pure angelic behaviour. Remember all the docs/nurses cooing around. It was quite strong message passed on to the world really.. the opose powers where only love can open up the hearts.

That situation affected me deeply i think. Shared it with my colleagues who indeed laughed..and said im broody lol...maybe, maybe its all a biological clock doing its work or maybe i felt an emotion which i happened to lose along the way in the past two years...and so it felt very strange and new to me.

Anyway...so...my relationship with my boiii has ended last week. I just cannot work it out. He dont seem to understand my commitments, reactions and how i am affected in my work life. We are very different....but it is what it is. He will be fine, i hope. For me, well, im emotionless and so don't give it a second thought about it..Harsh, i know but gotta be honest. Maybe im getting better at letting go?but maybe i didn't have a connection in the first place....

Ok, so no gambling. Feeling ok...ish. a run later on, a nap and back to work for a nighshifter.

..please please stay safe all, stay indoors, protect lives of yourselves, your loved ones and everyone on this planet.

Blessings

S........... xx

Hello Sandra. Life is very challenging for you at this moment in time and you are often in my thoughts.

So sorry to learn that you will be separated from Bella for a little while but you know she will be well looked after by your sister and that will give you some peace of mind.

Thank you for visiting my diary. I always appreciate your kindness, support and encouragement.

Best wishes

Stephen x 

Hi

lots of emotions and issues and life to deal with in all our own way! Things never easy however with the absence stacking up if you are like me better / harder decisions are being taken. When in the depths of gambling no decisions are taken what happens happens! This means opportunity are missed and bad stuff gets harder as options are removed.

stay safe and a clear head makes a better decision 

m x

Thanks Stephen and Matt, appreciated xx

Diary,

Back home...to the emptiness again. Its true what they say, you truly see how much you  miss someone when they're not around. I'm almost expecting lil girl to run downstairs and greet me..have a little chat as she does (makes wonderful sound like giving me b******ing for leaving her for the shift lol...she always complains ? & then just wraps me in her massive bear hug...straight after - food! (Of course) and freedom of the garden!!!

I am usually left to detect any misbehaviour and naughtiness she made whilst i was away. Usually just crumbled bed sheets, nose prints in her room window....

Usually nothing else..she is a good girl. 

Now i have an empty space, searing through the house and my heart.. i look at her empty bed in the kitchen , her fav soft bear is discarded..the nose stuffing is halfway torn apart.....i should sew it up for her return. She loves this bear. Didn't destroy it in over 3 years since i have her. Other toys gets destructed in 15 seconds lol..esp balls..she likes football balls! Or shall i say..likes to destroy them.

A bit sad, it's been an emotional shift..but its over and im still in one piece i suppose.

Glimpse of hope - i may get to take lil girl back with me tomorrow with the condition of my own new dog lead as sister keeping old one to prevent germs contamination ??....

Fingers crossed. Never felt so lonely...and its only been 4 days...i love her so much, truly do. Call me crazy but i simply do not care what other's thinks if i'm honest. My baby girl has saved my life numerous times and i do want to share my living moments with her for as long as i can....and....every day counts for sure ❤❤❤

Roll on tom morning...roll on...for now, i shall sleep as long as i can and go in for another night shifter later on.

Stay safe all, stay indoors - safe lives...please...

S....((((((B))))))) xxx

No words other than ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Stay safe ????boo

Hey San,

Didn't realise you had been involved with a guy, I remember you did mention a bad boy from work, maybe him? I always say it may hurt someone to say you are not feeling things are working out but not as much as it hurts if they are left hanging on, knowing something is wrong. This feels much worse, so you did the right thing, in my opinion, for what it's worth. Once he has absorbed this and accepted, I'm sure he'll thank you for your honesty and respect.

Oh, I hear you with the fur baby. Good grief! I don't know what I'd do without these two, in my house. 

Cheers Boo & Freda,

Yeah f, had a lil romance going not long ago and no..not with the bad boy from work...even if he is still charming me with everything he does, im resisting that sort of mistake. Besides, don't think i could ever break a family unit. Truly not in my ethics.

This boiii i was seeing is just someone...extremely difficult to manage...felt like was his mum most of the times and it was more quite depressive talks rather than laugh and similar. I get it...i get it that he has no parents and is all on his own, but something really dragged me down talking to him. ..

...and so, we gotta do what is best for us..and just maybe for me is best to be on my own. My own little bubble of happiness.. it is also ok....

As of B, my angel...i miss her SOOOO much it hurts. Truly want to reunite as soon as...

@Duncanmac - thanks for the thoughtful mention on ur diary. Kinda brought memories back. ...maybe few sad ones but mainly quite light and empowering ones. Maybe one day we can chew on the cud again...im.more confident now and can be quite talkative too ?..not the shy lil/vulnerable girl you met few years ago...

Anyhooo....still at work. Catching a breather and feeling really tired suddenly...roll on 7am....

Stay safe all, blessings and best wishes

S....xx 

Hi diary,

firstly - Happy, peaceful & safe Easter everyone!

Not much to add really. Am feeling content today (& yesterday)as got my baby back! She is truly my guardian angel protecting my soul, heart and sanity.

❤?❤?

Blessings

S&B xx