...

Sb and Bella boo .. You're amazing.. I love how you share the love 

Boo 

?

So many congrats on 200 days Sandra!!!

Ive just read your diary from July 2019 where you had a few lapses as you did in August. It is incredible how far you’ve come now and you should be extremely proud of yourself. I aspire to do exactly what you did. Not let mess ups lead the way into my future. Stay strong, out as many blocks in place as possible and never give up. I note online slots were also your vice. Evil pesky b*****s. I could not believe the incident you had were you self excluded and then said you made a mistake and was reopened just like that ?

Its no wonder we struggle so much to maintain abstinence. 
anywho, I’m rambling. Just wanted to congratulate you on your HUGE achievement ???

Em x

Sandra,

many congratulation on your 200 days ?. I know that you have a lot going on but it takes real strength to keep doing what you are doing x

200 days without slots... good going!! 🙂 x

Thank you all...nice surprise to wake up to ? xx

Diary,

So, as stated above not long got up, went to the gym and now just about to chill. Been an awful week with work, very tense and..well, busy.

Last night's (this morning's) low emotion kind of passed. .i guess i just needed a bit of soothing but ran into a brick wall which upset me a little.

All is ok now. I have recovered emotionally.

No gambling. My weekend started now but back to work tom for ...like 17hrs stint. Its deffo illegal to do so many hours lol...but needs - must! Not looking forward to this long overtime but will sure be glad to see the paycheck huh ?

Mum is ok. Hospital been quarantined due to the global virus so dad is not allowed to visit, but he keeps in touch with her so its very good to hear.

Not much else to report. Am absolutely obsessed with a series i started to watch! Its on BBC player - murder 24/7. Real good and real stuff...brings home more than it should..... for some reason keep thinking of drama watching the series as she bangs on about how she likes that sort of programmes...a bit of a law enforcement gal ?..if you read this, i would definitely suggest to watch it..you would ❤ it!

Anyhoo! Wish everyone well, stay safe, commited, empathetic for yourselves and others and calm...

Love to all!

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Im again thoughtful today. Kinda hate myself. How & when i become what i become? Does world need People lile that? Toxic, spiteful, cold..

Does world need me to take part in this game of life?

It's tough to understand and know...

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Things are not so good in my world. Nothing particularly happened for me to hit the wall again however i must admit im very low. Yesterday scared me as i had pretty dark thoughts...

Today just feel empty. Mindset in dangerous place as all i want to do is to isolate. Even in these moments i have some clarity and know that isolation is the last thing i need now. .its easily done. I have noone around me to talk to anyway so the opportunity to hide is like a walk into the room. Its easy to shut myself down.

If i could, i would gamble today. Just like that. I am currently not thinking of consequences as long as i can get some relief and the taste of escape from the world.

But i can't gamble because i have blocks in place. My bank is also blocked completely even for my own essentials due to the fraudulent activity going on on there over the past few days. Kinda am a victim of fraud..and i should know better than to believe someone on other end of the call ...its a shame on me really because i know the lines and signs of not genuine callers..but, it happened and i fell for their trick. Account is safe, no money taken away however since everything is blocked i cant even fill the petrol in my car until new card arrives.

There is a lot of negativity around me lately. Just don't seem to shake it off. Its out of my control some of it however im aware i don't help the universe either with a glimpse of positivity.

Feel very lonely if im honest. Like a loneliest person on earth. Even gym is not helping anymore and i dragged myself in yesterday just to drag my feet for an hour. Lil B helps, don't get me wrong. She is the only one providing sunshine in my heart. I dont know how things would be if she wasn't here..don't even want to think about it.

Tried reaching out to GC.... and i feel desperate to talk to Someone. And so i get my head down and try to connect to chat. Its not working. Maybe tech issues...so, yeah, its just not working.

Im off to work shortly. Will be back tom. Its gonna be a long shift in place where i guess im at risk of catching infection. Everyone is banging on about it and i see UK is preparing for the worst and here is me getting myself in the middle of such risk.. weird innit...there is also a risk to my health by other means which i shall not go into on here. Rules and confidentiality.

My boss always said " we are paid for what we are prepared to do and not what we are doing". Very true and i get the whole thing now.

So..how to snap myself from this mindset? How to lift me up that little bit so i can function like a person, where i can smile genuinely and not pushing myself to fake that everything is fine. I had enough of being fake. I want to scream and shout and tell everyone that i hurt inside. ..that im struggling and that i need some sort of support...

..but for now i will smile, ...i have to.

Stay safe all, please look after yourselves. I mean it..look after your inner childs.

S&B xx

Dear SB28 ,

Thank you for your post, unfortunately, we are experiencing some technical issues at the moment with our netline, but please do try our helpline instead.

With regards to your health, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like there is a risk to your health, please do seek support for this whether from us at the helpline or from other services such as Samaritans/ GP/ 111

With kind regards

Keely.

Forum Admin

Thanks Keely....you edited my post? Cant figure out what but let it be..i did try to get in touch again to no avail..oh well..

Diary,

Put two posts for Freda and both disappeared! Not happy gal but will try and give it a go again after this...

Just wanted to let her know how much i appreciated her support last night..truly did..

So, i did 20hrs 15mins shift. (Like to be precise). To be fair not sure if im coming or going anymore! Head a bit in a mess and tiredness is real. 

Gonna try and drag till at least 4pm so i can drop to oblivion till tomorrow morning. ..this will be a challenge. Not much use out of me today, but its only like 4 hrs to drag right.

Still think about gambling doing me a favour passing the time but no no no...really annoyed with bank and hope no blips there intil new card arrives. Need money, need petrol and so on. ..maybe need to start withdrawing cash next time as having no money is truly poo!

Much more to write but rushing over to Freda's diary...3rd time lucky? Fingers crossed

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Posted by:

Sandra, I'm leaving gamcare and want to thank a few people before I do. I'm hoping you'll see this message before my accounts closed.  Well we're shall I start with you, we never really saw eye to eye did we, and I'm not even sure why, clash of personalities maybe? Both in emotional pain and taking it out on the other? Who knows, I don't ? but I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the arguments we had. I'm sorry your still on moderation due to me not being able to shut my mouth. You'll soon be off it. I think you are a strong person, battling your own demons and sometimes you just can't take it. Your only human after all. Your doing brilliant not gambling. Your strong. You've got this. Take care sb and hugs to your beautiful Bella.

Stace ♥️

Hi, 

Never really replied properly to this. Maybe had to be ready to admit my wrongdoings. 

Here goes then.

You have never been a problem Stace. I looked for excuses to be bitter and nasty...because, as i said before - ive seen my reflection in you. By saying this, i mean that i saw this struggling human being who was so so strong but couldn't see their own power. I never seen you as vulnerable, victim or any less than anyone around. Quite oposite...and so for some reason (truly, hand on heart i cannot explain & pinpoint), i felt some kind of clash. 

Yes i was b****h. Yes, i ranted and sworn and said many inappropriate things and i am apologising for them. It was not you, never been. 

When one has to look in the mirror, the time is right to admit what is wrong. Even if lessons are not learned, i have awareness and understanding now. ..and possibly clarity to try and be a better person going forward.

Hope you're keeping well and looking after yourself. You gotta put yourself first in order to line the rest of the life's events/joys/celebrations and love...it starts from within.

All the best Stace, you are in my thoughts

S&B xx

...further to above Stace...may not be relevant to our experience but it got me thinking.

I once spoke to my once best friend about broken cup. I haven't fully figured it out yet myself, but what happened then, was putting a friendship into broken cup analogy. 

If you break a piece and then glue it together...its not gonna be the same..of course its not. It will have the "crack" visible. The line of occurrence, put into history. ..my argument was - " can the cup become stronger after surviving all that damage and still coming together as one? Does it really matter the cracks? Of course we all like brand new and shiny cup, being taken care of and looked after. But the cup gets used...picked up, maybe chipped..if you keep taking care of it ..e.g. repair it, maybe eventually its the best cup you ever had. With its ups and downs...you start to learn about the cup. How gentle to be with it, which side may seep and so on..maybe not even trying to pick it up by the handle..because, its fragile?...does it give more authenticity to it? More thought for it?...

I am still not sure. ..i guess i am going about something from my past. 

...my sister, being at around 15years old and having a mad episode at my dad who tried his best to protect her from way too early relationship and going off the rails...

...she gathered the pictures of all of us and...she cut my dad's face out of them..some of them you can see a scissors stab marks in the face..punched holes...all cause he tried to stop her seeing that boy (her husband now)..

..now, the moral here..my dad of course collected pictures and me, being around 12 years old witnessed what i never thought i would -the pain in dad's eyes. The gentle gluing and taping pictures together. (He is not exactly the best at perfection and his hands are massive so not for scrupulous stuff).. Getting his face (where was possible) back on the pictures. No anger and no rage...just the pain in his face. He told me then whilst bagging the pictures up " S, one day your sister will look back at these and maybe then she will realise what my intentions were and what she has done by retaliating like that"..."maybe she will understand what family means".

I know dad still has the pictures. I don't know how many times he goes over them tho...i think he does. .they have amazing relationship now, she phones him daily, more than me...maybe and i truly hope, she understands how painful she has hurt my dad back then. 

Again...i guess after all..what we can do right to make it work again and how we understand our actions towards others.

d**n....i need to cut down my working hours if all this is unearthing itself ?.

Im off now, for sure.

Be kind to each other

S&B xx

I cut my mum's face out of loads of pictures. She was horrible to us at one time. I don't get like that lightly.

Glad it helped to talk xx

Thank you Freda...

Interesting this...i guess my mind worked in oposite way. I hardly got upset towards my mum for neglecting and not loving me. Kinda, worked on me to try and do things differently to gain her acceptance...i.e hold onto her skirt when she walked around the house, foot massage, cook something or simply stay out of the way (which happened often) so i could please her and she would not be as mad with me...for being here.. for being her daughter..

I never retaliated. ..not once. Sister on the other hand did, but we are all different and sensitive in other ways.

Sigh...

Working on diploma today. .i guess for the first time i ventured outside and sat on the bench in front of a beautiful pond they have here. Deep in thought really but also was claiming the peace such surroundings offered. It was nice. No phone,..just looking at the ducks playing in the pond and the greenery around me. Thought about B tho. Wanted her here.. could see her jumping in the pond and chasing after ducks lol (not if would let her to disturb/injure the wildlife!)

Had a call from CCBT counsellor. Had a good chat. Disclosed that i indeed felt suicidal last week. We went over few things and i feel calmer. The course does help me, keeps me in reality regarding gambling. Its a losers game indeed.

That is all for now. Gonna tie few bits up and shall make my way home. Misses gym actually, maybe a session to be had today. Slept like a log. Passed out in front of tv yesterday..woke up at 1900 and made my way straight to bed. 

Appears i can drop off anywhere these days. Power naps huh..

Take care all

Stay safe

S&B xx

Hiya 🙂

I think your doing mighty fine. Your living a normal life and doing things to better yourself.

Keep it up x

Thanks SA...

I haven't gambled, eaten, nor went to the gym since last post.

Can say im a bit stressed/ unsettled recently. Not sure i recovered from my 20hrs shift stint. Everything just rushing through me.

Work, sleep, commute - repeat...a bit if a merry go round.  Work proves difficult, nearly blew my top today for such silly decisions by boss, but it is what it is..At least im sleeping loads..thats good for wellbeing huh.

I spent a lot of time in hospital too. (Not self concerned). Funny that, i started coughing and sniffing today. Scary indeed....

...makes ya think when you pass posters of coronavirus pods posters everywhere..

Hope everyone is staying safe.

S&B xx