Thanks Murlo xx
Im not too well emotionally today. A lot on my mind. Checked work emails and there was one about the diploma which i know im behind. So much pressure..time scale is crazy...i have no time at all.
I still didn't speak to mum...i tried, but couldn't get through..heart ache started now..
.my lil gorgeous girl B...she is not well. I don't know whats up with her. For the past week she didnt even come downstairs to greet me after work. The worst 5/7 seconds of my life when i open the door, call her mame & run upstairs to find her...in the back of my mind thinking the worst 😞...do you know how you know ypu love someone close to you? ...think about them not being here for you any longer..for me...i always have tears flowing..even now...thats how i know what unconditional love i have. She gave me so much and i just can't be more greatful for everything..so, seeing her so tired all the time is breaking my heart. She considerably slowed down.. she is quiet, she is being sick.
..but she still eats and is excited to go for walkies. Still sleeps with her head on my neck providing warmth and comfort. Still stays by my side and gives those funny looks..still howls/barks as she does when she wants to get a treat..still communicates from the heart..still shows love and companionship....just at so much slower rate.
I got the biggest paycheck of my life today. No surpise given i did 50hrs overtime. I looked at the payslip...and i cried...because those 50hrs (plus 15hrs commuting) has taken me away from my girl...money is not everything. Time is so limited...time is everything in life.
Share that time with everyone around you and appreciate every second of it..
It does matter.
Just me again. Find it difficult to "drift away" from here recently. Am trying tho, so that's what matters the most.
Lil girl is doing ok today. As ok as i can tell. She is still quiet and just lays down not really interested in the world. Thinking if my depression has affected her? Is it possible? Can't be ....surely.
I had massive urges last night. A big lump of wage in my acc didn't help. Gambling head didnt waste a second to drop by and whisper sweet lies. I did go on demos. Why? I dont even know. I didnt attempt to deposit real money but i still had that gamblers head on huh. Failing to snap out of it for sure.
Today is last day off. Shall go to the gym again. Did 3 times over the last 4 days and body does ache but i need to keep myself occupied. A hot bath planned for later on to relieve that muscle pain.
Will be spending few days at sister's in the knowledge of another storm making its way over for the weekend. Truly don't want to risk driving in that sort of weather. On the worst day of storm last week, it took me two hours to get back home after 17hrs shift. That was truly challenging..dont want a repeat.
Still have urges today. Still have noone to talk about it to. ..and still a bit up & down with the whole life's situation but it is what it is. I take pride in keeping on marching on and staying resilient on really low days.
Almost half a year with no slots. Massive difference financially and even if its painful to see debt reducing so slowly, i know its at least reducing. It will take time and patience, but its all for the better good...in the long run...brick by brick..
When i say difference financially...im not sure what i mean. I am skint, big time. Its sort of month to month basis existence but i guess what i was saying is, i dont make matters worse any longer.
How you keeping?
Had very tense few days. d**n it was tough.. i was still laughing on my journey home. Remembered showing my new nails to colleagues (went for french style this time)..i go round tbe room showing my fingers...like "hey look at that!". Its complete coo coo behaviour but that's hpw it goes in my world. My colleagues are all males and i wouldn't change them for the world! Once upon a time i hated men cause of what they did to me when i was a child....but, in this environment i find males company better than women...oh they can "b***h" lol...even more than women but its just ever so funny to listen and join the "my circus with my clowns".
Have had few urges recently. Maybe work related triggers. Extremely tense week with many challenges. Biggest one later on today. Gotta deal with something i suffered few times in my life...expecting few demons to surface but im all loaded with arsenal i have and ready to make things right!
No gym for 3 days now as i was not at home...maybe tom..maybe not...somehow want to prioritise my sleep ready for the battle at work 😉
No gambling (slots) for over half year!!!! Ohhhhh..yeah!!!! Like this a lot 🙂
Stay safe all..and as social media screams out recently - "be kind to each other"
Thank you ladies...much love to you both!
I somehow managed to avoid that awful situation i had to deal with today (yesterday). One of the parties didn't turn up so i rescheduled the whole thing..thank godness! God must be here looking over me for sure! It eas stressing me out big time and i was shaking few times today (yesterday).
Was thrown under a bus anyway with another matter and kinda left it half sorted. Shall finish the stuff tomorrow..missed girl too much so declined O/T for tonight.
Had a nice chat with both parents y'day...put my mind at ease. Wasnt able to speak to mum for about two weeks now so that was a relief indeed! She sounds ok..not perfect and hardly follows my updates, but at least she is safe and well....thats what matters the most!
Urges? Well, few..yes..but i shall manage them accordingly.
Made colleagues laugh today which is good..even if at my own crazy expense. Its good to laugh! They say they love my banter/ sense of humour...today i was like "bipolar" tho lol....(3 of them said that!) must be nerves...told them to keep a distance on few occasions whilst turning around and giving high fives (fist clenched) few minutes later..god, i must confuse them all 😂..love my bois! ❤..
That's about it..
Stay safe all
Long time again
Sleeping like a bear...seriously 10-11hrs a day. Do i need it or im just still hibernating?
B snapped my mum's necklace yesterday..not sure what sign that is 😑. To fix it i need to go jewellers. Worn it every day since mummy gave it to me..secretly felt its also protecting me..strange. feel like lost such comfort.
...once a life time experience booked for May. Scared but excited too!
Top top top bossess signed me off for my competence and all that stuff...another good emotion and i also know im not just a pretty face at work 😉
Passed my interview...another storm of emotions...may reiterate - not just a pretty face here 🙊😃
Feel sad and happy at once. Dont like change but sometimes its for the best.
Also, may meet my "boy" this weekend. A month chatting and my roses almost dying in his place (good intention for valentines went down the drain due to my work responsibilities, but the thought that counts yeah)..
And...no, no gambling. Signed up for CCBT course but have no clue how to log in or enter it...haha...
Life is good today either way. Love my B...love my job (a bit questioning emoji face here). .love my family...
Stay safe all
Till another time diary
I'm emotional today. Pure to thought of losing a fur baby.
I love them all..i know them or not..
Whilst tears flowing down my face .. and my girl tries to clean them....
....i wish everyone hurting a peace for soul..and heart...the love you give to fur friends are never forgotten...its always in our hearts
I bless you hearts all..... i shall pray for you.
..until we all meet again. .let the free souls run free now....and enjoy themselves.
Excuse the typo as not used to write on this laptop. The whole site looks different than it is on my phone...strange but change is good 🙂
So me is ok. Tears has stopped for the puppy i never seen or known in my life...that was quite difficult but that's life. I just continue to take other's pain on..empath? maybe to the extent...
Transition with work is in progress. Gotta see GP tom to sign some paperwork. I looked at my med history last night and haven't had any dealings with them for the past two years...which is good, means im coping in this stressful environment. The only apt i had was a concern for my stomach which came back clear so all is good..im fit as a ...(don't know the rest of the saying lol)
Still active with gym. Upping the weights i lift and then cry to work colleagues about pains and aches the next day. You get out as much as you put in at the end of the day and it seems like a pattern in many life's situations huh... worth remembering.
No gambling even if had urges last night. They come and go nowadays....almost 200 days now, well chuffed with my progress 🙂
Love for my lil gorgeous girl is still growing with every waking day. Last few days i gave her full attention, love and care. we went on many walks, she had a lot of chicken and we played endless games.....that brought joy to me. She is very clever girl, so smart i never seen any other dog like that. She is very close to human if i say so myself...love her to bits....truly do.
Hmmm, what else...Not much to be honest.
Didn't meet my guy as see few warning flags waving. He is very needy. And i cannot fill those needs unfortunately. It is a shame cause he is a good guy in general, calm, hard working, caring, romantic....but the other side of the coin started to show now and i have my doubts. I am usually serious in relationships. I don't mess about. I can be very good partner (if i say so myself lol) however, i also have my own troubles and struggles presently...and so, to add his on my shoulders would be too much...
i don't know..is it fear of a change talking or it's actually my gut telling me to keep distance...i cannot tell tbh....It is what it is.
Right, enough of this waffle..time to get to the gym, give this body a bit of work out and hopefully feel better emotionally and physically as a result.
Stay safe all, blessings
Got an unexpected call from...lets say my guardian angels. .it was really refreshing and good to talk. Didn't realise i actually miss that. Someone to open up to completely.. it was positive experience..thank you.
Something was mentioned what got me thinking...long term damage comparing with initial/ short term distress. I went on defence...i said, i don't react any more. I let go immediately...which is partially true.
However, im aware of long term effects. I know they will chase me down the line in my life. Same as childhood stuff, it chases me now...but i deal with it...(ok ok...last time i run away..not cause i turned away from dealing with it...the circs provided a runaway...and im thankful for that..selfishly..).
Another GA (guardian angel)once said that physical pain is not as concerning as mental one..true that..few cuts and bruises, sprains etc...(accidents & not self intended/expected ones) is truly nothing comparing with mental battle...emotions, desperation and fear. ..but it is what it is. I deal with it. On spot, at a time. I wrap them up. ..but is it just a plaster being placed on a wound? I think it is...its just a matter of time when trigger comes..and it will...and again, merry go round...you deal with it...with help or on your own...you still deal with it..
phone call opened a bit of a worm tin...but im thankful, it forced me to think realistic stuff..
I wish you all well.
It has been an emotional rollercoaster today. I dont know what to do with myself. Now i realised mother nature has called so maybe that explains a little..
However my sort of calm bubble i safely stayed for a while has been burst by...me facing my gambling problem and my behaviour. I joined this CCBT course and it gave me the real eye opener which i didnt have for a while.
I got used to my thoughts..and my thoughts only. Not always right of course. If i feed my head with the same bull, i keep getting the same bull in return.
Im in stuck position. Part of me wants (and desperately tries but fails)to move away from here as kindly suggested, the other (i guess ..little scared same me) are holding on for dear life. Its conflicted emotions. Even if i dont bring much to here anymore and the time has come to move on, i am scared. Simple. Im scared to be left on my own...im scared to move on, change, let go.
I never thought about the implications of gambling like i did today. ..maybe last year whilst receiving counselling from here. Today brought a lot of stuff home. Mainly, how trapped i still feel and accepting that i left a gap in my attempt at recovery somewhere down my 7 years line of this journey. How to find that gap and how to actually set myself free?..because now im not, im trapped in this deluded state. I don't gamble, you dont have to gamble to keep feeling stuck.
I have my addictive traits. I failed to ....do something about it...and i had many opportunities to do so..
Module talks about goals. Was i embarrassed to admit that i have none! Yes...indeed. i have no goals in life..and i went on the roundabout in answering that im still in such mindset where im blind at possibilities and seeing the goals which possibly are right in front of me...i know, its messed up. I am messed up.
Sorry about this