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(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Well done on no slots for over half a year, that's great.

And the saying is a saying that's really got to me, it's so true, you can be anything in life, be kind.

Hope your well, take care

Stace

 
Posted : 18th February 2020 7:21 am
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
 

Hey, San

Glad you are being a bit kinder to yourself, prioritising sleep. Feels like a lot of people have been struggling this past week. Pressure cooker feeling! Weather has matched this theme!

Well done on the gamble free time, that's great! 

 
Posted : 18th February 2020 11:15 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

Thank you ladies...much love to you both!

 

I somehow managed to avoid that awful situation i had to deal with today (yesterday). One of the parties didn't turn up so i rescheduled the whole thing..thank godness! God must be here looking over me for sure! It eas stressing me out big time and i was shaking few times today (yesterday).

 

Was thrown under a bus anyway with another matter and kinda left it half sorted. Shall finish the stuff tomorrow..missed girl too much so declined O/T for tonight.

 

Had a nice chat with both parents y'day...put my mind at ease. Wasnt able to speak to mum for about two weeks now so that was a relief indeed! She sounds ok..not perfect and hardly follows my updates, but at least she is safe and well....thats what matters the most!

 

Urges? Well, few..yes..but i shall manage them accordingly.

 

Made colleagues laugh today which is good..even if at my own crazy expense. Its good to laugh! They say they love my banter/ sense of humour...today i was like "bipolar" tho lol....(3 of them said that!) must be nerves...told them to keep a distance on few occasions whilst turning around and giving high fives (fist clenched) few minutes later..god, i must confuse them all ?..love my bois! ❤..

 

That's about it..

 

 

Stay safe all

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 19th February 2020 2:03 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

Hi diary...

 

Long time again

 

Sleeping like a bear...seriously 10-11hrs a day. Do i need it or im just still hibernating?

B snapped my mum's necklace yesterday..not sure what sign that is ?. To fix it i need to go jewellers. Worn it every day since mummy gave it to me..secretly felt its also protecting me..strange. feel like lost such comfort.

 

...once a life time experience booked for May. Scared but excited too! 

 

Top top top bossess signed me off for my competence and all that stuff...another good emotion and i also know im not just a pretty face at work ?

 

Passed my interview...another storm of emotions...may reiterate - not just a pretty face here ??

 

Feel sad and happy at once. Dont like change but sometimes its for the best.

 

Also, may meet my "boy" this weekend. A month chatting and my roses almost dying in his place (good intention for valentines went down the drain due to my work responsibilities, but the thought that counts yeah)..

 

And...no, no gambling. Signed up for CCBT course but have no clue how to log in or enter it...haha...

 

Life is good today either way. Love my B...love my job (a bit questioning emoji face here). .love my family...

 

Stay safe all

 

Till another time diary

 

S&B xx

 

 

This post was modified 4 years ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 20th February 2020 7:24 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

I'm emotional today. Pure to thought of losing a fur baby. 

 

I love them all..i know them or not..

Whilst tears flowing down my face ..  and my girl tries to clean them....

....i wish everyone hurting a peace for soul..and heart...the love you give to fur friends are never forgotten...its always in our hearts 

 

I bless you hearts all..... i shall pray for you.

 

..until we all meet again. .let the free souls run free now....and enjoy themselves.

 

Blessings

 

S&B xx

 

 
Posted : 22nd February 2020 12:35 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

Hi  diary,

 

Excuse the typo as not used to write on this laptop. The whole site looks different than it is on my phone...strange but change is good 🙂

 

So me is ok. Tears has stopped for the puppy i never seen or known in my life...that was quite difficult but that's life. I just continue to take other's pain on..empath? maybe to the extent...

 

Transition with work is in progress. Gotta see GP tom to sign some paperwork. I looked at my med history last night and haven't had any dealings with them for the past two years...which is good, means im coping in this stressful environment. The only apt i had was a concern for my stomach which came back clear so all is good..im fit as a ...(don't know the rest of the saying lol)

 

Still active with gym. Upping the weights i lift and then cry to work colleagues about pains and aches the next day. You get out as much as you put in at the end of the day and it seems like a pattern in many life's situations huh... worth remembering.

 

No gambling even if had urges last night. They come and go nowadays....almost 200 days now, well chuffed with my progress 🙂

 

Love for my lil gorgeous girl is still growing with every waking day. Last few days i gave her full attention, love and care. we went on many walks, she had a lot of chicken and we played endless games.....that brought joy to me. She is very clever girl, so smart i never seen any other dog like that. She is very close to human if i say so myself...love her to bits....truly do.

 

Hmmm, what else...Not much to be honest.

Didn't meet my guy as see few warning flags waving. He is very needy. And i cannot fill those needs unfortunately. It is a shame cause he is a good guy in general, calm, hard working, caring, romantic....but the other side of the coin started to show now and i have my doubts. I am usually serious in relationships. I don't mess about. I can be very good partner (if i say so myself lol) however, i also have my own troubles and struggles presently...and so, to add his on my shoulders would be too much...

 

i don't know..is it fear of a change talking or it's actually my gut telling me to keep distance...i cannot tell tbh....It is what it is.

 

Right, enough of this waffle..time to get to the gym, give this body a bit of work out and hopefully feel better emotionally and physically as a result.

 

Stay safe all, blessings

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 23rd February 2020 2:00 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

Got an unexpected call from...lets say my guardian angels. .it was really refreshing and good to talk. Didn't realise i actually miss that. Someone to open up to completely.. it was positive experience..thank you.

 

Something was mentioned what got me thinking...long term damage comparing with initial/ short term distress. I went on defence...i said, i don't react any more. I let go immediately...which is partially true.

 

However, im aware of long term effects. I know they will chase me down the line in my life. Same as childhood stuff, it chases me now...but i deal with it...(ok ok...last time i run away..not cause i turned away from dealing with it...the circs provided a runaway...and im thankful for that..selfishly..).

 

Another GA (guardian angel)once said that physical pain is not as concerning as mental one..true that..few cuts and bruises, sprains etc...(accidents & not  self intended/expected ones) is truly nothing comparing with mental battle...emotions, desperation and fear. ..but it is what it is. I deal with it. On spot, at a time. I wrap them up. ..but is it just a plaster being placed on a wound? I think it is...its just a matter of time when trigger comes..and it will...and again, merry go round...you deal with it...with help or on your own...you still deal with it..

 

phone call opened a bit of a worm tin...but im thankful, it forced me to think realistic stuff..

 

I wish you all well.

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 23rd February 2020 9:34 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

Sandra,

thank you so much for your lovely words. So pleased to hear that you have started the CCBT.  Take good care and sending my best wishes to you and your family x

 
Posted : 24th February 2020 2:24 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

Diary,

 

It has been an emotional rollercoaster today. I dont know what to do with myself. Now i realised mother nature has called so maybe that explains a little..

 

However my sort of calm bubble i safely stayed for a while has been burst by...me facing my gambling problem and my behaviour. I joined this CCBT course and it gave me the real eye opener which i didnt have for a while.

 

I got used to my thoughts..and my thoughts only. Not always right of course. If i feed my head with the same bull, i keep getting the same bull in return.

 

Im in stuck position. Part of me wants (and desperately tries but fails)to move away from here as kindly suggested, the other (i guess ..little scared same me) are holding on for dear life. Its conflicted emotions. Even if i dont bring much to here anymore and the time has come to move on, i am scared. Simple. Im scared to be left on my own...im scared to move on, change, let go.

 

I never thought about the implications of gambling like i did today. ..maybe last year whilst receiving counselling from here. Today brought a lot of stuff home. Mainly, how trapped i still feel and accepting that i left a gap in my attempt at recovery somewhere down my 7 years line of this journey. How to find that gap and how to actually set myself free?..because now im not, im trapped in this deluded state. I don't gamble, you dont have to gamble to keep feeling stuck.

 

I have my addictive traits. I failed to ....do something about it...and i had many opportunities to do so..

 

Module talks about goals. Was i embarrassed to admit that i have none! Yes...indeed. i have no goals in life..and i went on the roundabout in answering that im still in such mindset where im blind at possibilities and seeing the goals which possibly are right in front of me...i know, its messed up. I am messed up.

 

Sorry about this

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 24th February 2020 8:19 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

You don't have to apologise for nothing.

When I am 90 and your late 70's, we can put our diaries down then...ok?

Hugs.. S.A 🙂 x

 
Posted : 25th February 2020 9:06 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Sandra, I'm leaving gamcare and want to thank a few people before I do. I'm hoping you'll see this message before my accounts closed.  Well we're shall I start with you, we never really saw eye to eye did we, and I'm not even sure why, clash of personalities maybe? Both in emotional pain and taking it out on the other? Who knows, I don't ? but I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the arguments we had. I'm sorry your still on moderation due to me not being able to shut my mouth. You'll soon be off it. I think you are a strong person, battling your own demons and sometimes you just can't take it. Your only human after all. Your doing brilliant not gambling. Your strong. You've got this. Take care sb and hugs to your beautiful Bella.

Stace ♥️

This post was modified 4 years ago by Anonymous
 
Posted : 26th February 2020 1:43 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

Thanks SA and Stace! Stace, no need to apologise, we are as bad as each other i guess and im not the angel for sure. Hope youre looking after yourself, drop by to update ypur journey when want/able to xx

 

Diary,

 

Only half way through working week but feels like i did the whole lot. Been long hours and minimal sleep..By that i mean 2-3 hrs a night. 

Last night woke up searching for hot water bottle but my toes detected a big fluff...who was laying on top of a hot water bottle ?..bless her...she likes warmth!...few hours later woke up & realised i am lying in bed horizontal.(or is it vertical?..either way its not how anyone should sleep ?) Dont think that ever happened before and it was weird to get out of bed from the other side. Its like the confusion to mind ?

 

Few days ago CEO decided to pay a visit to our work place. Never seen him and only communicated with him through emails about my once in a lifetime experience. At one point everyone in the room shoot up and i was oblivious to it and thought they're just stretching their legs until a few seconds later i realised that the big big boss walked in a room. 

Felt more than embarrassed (mostly for late reaction as couldn't just stand up 2mins later...d'oh)...and actually sank lower in the seat and hid for my dear life behind computer..shame on me.

 

That unfortunately didn't end there because an hour later i decided to go for a crafty cig...in no smoking area of course. ..i saw someone approaching with a corner of my eye (as had my nose in work device)...when i lifted my head up - it was too late. Here he was, standing in front of me with lil smile on his face tutting away about me smoking. That was another shock to my system and i did the quickest turnaround in face colour. Felt the heat all over my face and can just imagine how "tomato" red i looked! Cig was hidden behind my back immediately and i made my apologies......weirdly thought tho " well, at least im stood up  now!" 

 

He decided to have a small chat..all is ok and made me feel a bit at ease even if my words were tangled like no tomorrow...what made me a bit uncomfortable was the cig already burning my fingers and i felt stuck with what to do! Cant put it out casually like that and deffo cannot just drop it and stamp on a but end!

 

I told him about me leaving after further misunderstood conversation and after a bit of "no pressure but pressure" from him.."we will miss you but think about it", we said our goodbyes and i apologised again about my foolishness. He seemed alright, said not to worry about it. I didnt even thank him about my once a lifetime experience due to nerves ?..

 

Did the quickest walk of shame back to the office following this....like donald the duck with head low almost dragging on the ground!..here we go, one of my days i guess....

 

All that aside, still feel under pressure. Some days its like a ticking bomb...just intensity of it all and no time for a breather..but am holding on!

 

No gambling..nearly 200 days, i am proud of myself!

 

Stay safe all, till later dairy

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 27th February 2020 7:34 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

Ohh, the time of freedom where posts gets released ?...thank youuuuuuu moderator!

 

Not much to report (apart from still being here & struggling to let go)...

 

Productive day...which i shall take pride in myself..gotta be selfish sometimes!

 

And....of course...best wishes to all pet lovers...you're all in my thoughts!

 

Lil, gorgeous B....says stay calm and sleep well everyone..

 

From me - stay safe all, blessings!

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 27th February 2020 9:25 pm
(@boo-radley)
Posts: 1492
 

Thank you for popping by.. I have left a reply. Think its on my diary ????Boo xxx

 
Posted : 27th February 2020 9:39 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
Topic starter
 

Hi diary,

 

Thinking about "cold shoulder" today.

Kinda reversed back into the past of mummy's rejection and hater towards me. "Who are you? Where you came from? Look at you, you are not my child, disgrace...etc..."

 

Knocks ya back a  little in life i guess...

 

However, part of my other side of brain (more rational one)  keeps repeating.."think of the analogy you read few months back. ..what do you choose - hater and anger for such upbringing or love and compassion for such upbringing...choice is yours.

 

I choose love & compassion..over and over again. Every single time i get knocked down, i find hope and trust in someone...again. 

 

I dont hate anyone. I dont intent to hurt anyone...and yes, sometimes happens..happens that i hurt (verbally) and get out of order, lash out (verbally)...so, are these a fear of "lil girl" trying to fight her corner in life?"...or...ya know, i don't even know...my brain just too tired to function.

 

Its been a long night really...

 

Today i hurt emotionally, very little takes to trigger it but it is what it is.

 

I came here just to say that today is 200 days with no slots ...minute at a time.

 

Stay safe all.

Choose love & compassion in every aspect of your lives.

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 2nd March 2020 6:03 am
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