...

Hi diary...i promise to myself i will continue to drift away from you in due course. As difficult as i find not to post to others so i save advisers moderation time, i guess it is still positive in the long haul and shall aid me going forwards. Im slowly getting into peaceful place within. That means no throwing toys outta pram or spitting the dummy...im slowly accepting what needed to be accepted few years back.

Was not able to speak to Mummy today as she is still very weak and in intensive care but spoken to dad. I keep pushing him to make a change. Quit that job..he is in late 70's and still does 24hrs shifts in psychiatric hospital...its shocking..its so so difficult but he is so stubborn..

I asked him to pass a message to my mum tomorrow. I know she worries about my job. ..i wanted her to know that im doing well. Maybe not the "perfect" way..but i do my best and that is what matters the most. I felt incredibly proud yesterday when received email from very high boss..(you only see them on TV i guess)...it was personal "thank you" email for my progress and good work i do...i felt valued and that is something what's needed to hear now and again. As a thank you he offered a once a lifetime experience for me and even if im very scared of what im about to do, i am also determined to face my fears and go for it. This will also aid my future career i believe..and lets not forget a bit of socialising ?..whilst getting new skills for life. I think my excitement is topping the original fear i have and maybe its a positive also.

I have no gambling urges. Sadly im truly abusing alcohol intake for the past month (daily) and it cannot carry on. Maybe a lot of stress created such poor decision making at my personal life, however...no excuses! I cannot carry on as i do. Im digging a grave for myself at this rate.

I shall look for help. Already read about the support groups around the area, all is left is to take that first step. Break the cycle...determined to make it.

I sent £100 over to dad to help with doctors needs being met (extreme corruption in my country and they will let someone die if you dont put cash in their pocket...sad reality). ..

So i now have £100 for my name to last a week. ..mainly will go on petrol..i shall make it last.

There is not much more to say. I shall get into gym to run some worries away and strengthen my resolve.

Ps. I see duncs back..i wish you well for your journey my friend. Believe you still have my contact number. If i can help in any way - i will. Blessings to you & your family.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi San,

It's tough right now. Personal issues must feel like they're holding up addiction issues. All i can say is what good are we to anyone else whilst still in the grips of addiction ?. So is it perhaps addiction issues holding up dealing with personal issues. I honestly don't know the answer ,does anyone ?. I wish i had the magic formula but i don't. I can only offer support, sympathy and hope you can get through this difficult period.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Thank you Al, much appreciated xx. I do sincerely hope you're looking after yourself and your recovery.

Diary,

Picked up a book last night. Why its a such "achievement" is because i didn't drink myself into oblivion.. i had quite a bit but was still functioning. Missed my book. Its a good read. Been a month since i read it last..

Yesterday i noticed something horrendous (for me). I walked B and it was still early (1800 hours) and i got such a panic attack its unreal. More like paranoia. I have had paranoia for the past few weeks due to work (yup..got myself a bit into situation...not if the whole army is after me but yeah, something to make me thread on needles so to speak..ha! Did i just make it sound like im the UK's most wanted ?..not at all, i promise!)..so, ok, last night..i run for life! I got paranoid that loose dog is after us and i just belted away like no tomorrow! Was there a loose dog?..yes, i saw his owner calling it back...and so, the previous experience with B being attacked put me into frenzy. Running for a good mile or two we did full circle round neighbourhood and i was so pleased to get home. It was not nice experience at all.

Today i had another "episode" where a bird (just a lil bird) came flying from the bushes on a walkpath. Made me jump and accordingly i made B jump!..crazy, my heart must of dropped to the floor for a few seconds.

Seriously, i don't know what's going on with me..apart from appalling disgusting recent conduct i display. I really don't like myself and currently its quite a task to love &care for myself..but i must, because i cannot give up hope.

I stalled my research for local help. Sometimes its quite scary...scary to accept the thruth. ..but i will pick it up, because i know i reached the point. All this is affecting me mentally and physically.

For now, i shall go for my 14hrs shift (some OT picked up ..thankfully), continue to prepare for my job interview next week, continue to try & get hold of dad about mum's condition (struggling to get through today) and will try to have few sober days. Thats all i need...poison out of the system..sober up. ..recover enough to reach out for help..but presently i got quite few things spinning on this plate....

..sometimes i wonder if i put all this drama into my life or it just comes naturally? ..either way, its how i react to it and how i deal with it is the main task to handle...not handling it too well i must say.

...God grand me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change.....courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference.

S&B xx

Oh, and i still have no urges for slots nor scratchies...which is very positive!

I still talk to that guy and even if i don't feel any chemistry at all, its still some sort of company me thinks. He is a good man, a bit over romantic with talks about stars, shores, love notes with flowers..etc...which just makes me jawn if im honest (im not that romantic!) ...but we do manage honest and open conversations about life and so on. ..and i like a good brain picking now and then ?

That is all,

Stay safe all

S&B cx

Hi diary...

Not sure if im excluded from using services due to my past mistakes or is there some kind of a glitch..but..after some time off, i needed to speak to someone (im also only human no matter how bad i portray myself recently)..  thay.Didn't happen as per above? Not able to type stuff in the window..and the phone calls...well, ....im not a great speaker on a phone..

So, i have been thinking a lot about the aftermath of excessive gambling. The pain it brings which lasts for so long..like years..i figured i still have 4 years to go to pay off my debts...sigh....good thing is that by then i will be on the top pay scale at this job (if i am still here) and so life should be easier. When you think, its not that long huh..i dunno. Present is painful.

2 days ago i did 17hrs shift. Severe weather meant i had to stay on and...do what i do as we come together in crisis huh...we are all one then...

Ummm...that shift meant i had about 3hrs sleep due to the winds and thinking that chimney went off for a flyer...upon coming bk on shift last night..i was sent bk home 5hrs in because oh boy..i was looking quite bad ..let alone functioning fully. Not fit for work and as boss said "walking dead". I remember thinking back in the day when speaking to dad after his 24hrs shift. I used to wonder "has he really got drunk already..its only like 10am...slurred words"..you know diary...after this stint few days back, i understand...because i was slurring words too. Overtired. Cannot focus and so it also affects speech (who would of thought!).

Anyway...live and learn. I am just dedicated for work i think lol..god knows how i commuted recently..i for sure cannot remember my journeys.

Tonight i am listening to the wind. Such an almighty force huh..the nature..grows & destroys. Makes me think about the phrase "you're being treated how you treat me".. true...we are harming the planet and look what is happening now huh..

So, i didn't gamble..nor drank for 3 days. What a relief! I feel quite good for it. Towards the end i reached the point of having a drink every day which is just shocking tbf.

I shall try to quit myself. If that fails (of course it will lol...) i shall look for help..but for now i shall give it a go solo...

Challenge will be on my rest days...but im also up to the challenge to sre how i cope.

Nothing else to report. Almost half a year no slots...bliss indeed...fitness is on top notch still...and the rest is a little bahhhh (mum's health, work, snot/cough....etc..)..

Another good thing - i have my B. Source of love & care.

...Rambling...

S&B cx

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Hi.. I hear ya thoughts. I wouldn't worry too much about money owed to banks. You pay what you can afford and they go down gradually over time. Keep on top of priority debts like mortgage, council tax and all that and youl be fine.

It bugs me sometime that we are all seemingly obliged to work silly hours. At my work, agency has been stopped (again) and they want regular staff to pick up extra. But you shouldn't have to unless you want to, just because the company wants to save money. I spent years working silly hours. I ain't gonna do it anymore... even if am sitting at home getting bored. That's my challenge to find other things to do and think about rather than it being dominated by the stress of work.

Great stuff on the half a year without the slots. Sumink to be proud of.

Keep rambling... tis good for the soul.. 🙂 x

Hi SA, thanks for the input. Im not sure i exactly hate long hours..lol..seriously. time usually flies and im strangely used to the tiredness it brings ?..however 17hrs is a bit too much, esp knowing that its quick turnover. I read you got yourself a android. Yeah man! Welcome to the social media 24/7 hub lol..make sure you look ahead on your journies and not at the screen ?

Hi diary,

Has been emotional day today. Not as much emotional but challenging. Why interviews are always so stressful? Seriously, it should be put on the list of most stressful things in life we go through.

Im very thankful to mod H. Put me at right ease yesterday and i managed to sleep well & wake up in high spirits ready to roar.

And i did roar ? (not literally). Only two members on a panel which was not too bad. I was expecting audience indeed. Of course not all went as planned and i messed one q up but after being given chance to ask questions, i actually asked about that one as i was genuinely interested in the answer. Turns out, i overshot very slightly so not all that bad. Didn't sweat like crazy throughout and believe was quite confident for a change.

So all is ok. Its done & dusted. Whatever the outcome, i am greatful for the experience ?

No work today as no OT came in...thats ok too, i shall rest instead. Money is not everything even of its quite needed recently.

Lil gorgeous girl B was not well today. She was sick 3 times ?. Really worried me. Cooked her some chicken, taken her for a lovely walk and then played for a bit. She now sleeps like an angel. So peacefully. She is happy...and so accordingly am i. Will keep monitoring her and hope everything is ok.

No gambling thoughts except just now as i thought about it...d'oh. Been in the shop and looked at scratchcards..that ended there also. .so, all safe. Tucked up on settee, watching the Chase and thanking dear lord for another day where i kept everything together and showed honesty throughout.

Over & out.

Stay safe and well

S&B xx

...more to the last...i keep communicating with my "boy". Not sure if im heading into something new for me but its complicated..

Why?because im used to run away. I don't let anyone close. I keep them at bay..im scared..scared of love, change, good feelings...im so scared..why? Why i don't let anyone close enough to love me for who i am? ?..just why...

https://youtu.be/2EP7a4TJbks

Sorry admin..but these are important for me

https://youtu.be/GQrIiqPQ-KY

Still attached to the same story..sorry admin xx

https://youtu.be/zDo0H8Fm7d0

Sandra,

your lovely post has just appeared on my diary, thank you so much sweetheart ?

Sounds like you be rightly proud of yourself today with your interview performance. Fingers crossed for you xx

Thanks Murlo xx

Dear diary,

Im not too well emotionally today. A lot on my mind. Checked work emails and there was one about the diploma which i know im behind. So much pressure..time scale is crazy...i have no time at all.

I still didn't speak to mum...i tried, but couldn't get through..heart ache started now..

.my lil gorgeous girl B...she is not well. I don't know whats up with her. For the past week she didnt even come downstairs to greet me after work. The worst 5/7 seconds of my life when i  open the door, call her mame & run upstairs to find her...in the back of my mind thinking the worst ?...do you know how you know ypu love someone close to you? ...think about them not being here for you any longer..for me...i always have tears flowing..even now...thats how i know what unconditional love i have. She gave me so much and i just can't be more greatful for everything..so, seeing her so tired all the time is breaking my heart. She considerably slowed down.. she is quiet, she is being sick. 

..but she still eats and is excited to go for walkies. Still sleeps with her head on my neck providing warmth and comfort. Still stays by my side and gives those funny looks..still howls/barks as she does when she wants to get a treat..still communicates from the heart..still shows love and companionship....just at so much slower rate.

I got the biggest paycheck of my life today. No surpise given i did 50hrs overtime. I looked at the payslip...and i cried...because those 50hrs (plus 15hrs commuting) has taken me away from my girl...money is not everything. Time is so limited...time is everything in life.

Share that time with everyone around you and appreciate every second of it..

It does matter.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Just me again. Find it difficult to "drift away" from here recently. Am trying tho, so that's what matters the most.

Lil girl is doing ok today. As ok as i can tell. She is still quiet and just lays down not really interested in the world. Thinking if my depression has affected her? Is it possible? Can't be  ....surely.

I had massive urges last night. A big lump of wage in my acc didn't help. Gambling head didnt waste a second to drop by and whisper sweet lies. I did go on demos. Why? I dont even know. I didnt attempt to deposit real money but i still had that gamblers head on huh. Failing to snap out of it for sure.

Today is last day off. Shall go to the gym again. Did 3 times over the last 4 days and body does ache but i need to keep myself occupied. A hot bath planned for later on to relieve that muscle pain. 

Will be spending few days at sister's in the knowledge of another storm making its way  over for the weekend. Truly don't want to risk driving in that sort of weather. On the worst day of storm last week, it took me two hours to get back home after 17hrs shift. That was truly challenging..dont want a repeat.

Still have urges today. Still have noone to talk about it to. ..and still a bit up & down with the whole life's situation but it is what it is. I take pride in keeping on marching on and staying resilient on really low days.

Almost half a year with no slots. Massive difference financially  and even if its painful to see debt reducing so slowly, i know its at least reducing. It will take time and patience, but its all for the better good...in the long run...brick by brick..

When i say difference financially...im not sure what i mean. I am skint, big time. Its sort of month to month basis existence but i guess what i was saying is, i dont make matters worse any longer.

Blessings

S&B cx

Yo diary,

How you keeping?

Had very tense few days. d**n it was tough.. i was still laughing on my journey home. Remembered showing my new nails to colleagues (went for french style this time)..i go round tbe room showing my fingers...like "hey look at that!". Its complete coo coo behaviour but that's hpw it goes in my world. My colleagues are all males and i wouldn't change them for the world! Once upon a time i hated men cause of what they did to me when i was a child....but, in this environment i find males company better than women...oh they can "b***h" lol...even more than women but its just ever so funny to listen and join the "my circus with my clowns".

Have had few urges recently. Maybe work related triggers. Extremely tense week with many challenges. Biggest one later on today. Gotta deal with something i suffered few times in my life...expecting few demons to surface but im all loaded with arsenal i have and ready to make things right!

No gym for 3 days now as i was not at home...maybe tom..maybe not...somehow want to prioritise my sleep ready for the battle at work ?

No gambling (slots) for over half year!!!! Ohhhhh..yeah!!!! Like this a lot ?

Stay safe all..and as social media screams out recently - "be kind to each other"

.S&B xc