Lol SA...right bird nest going on huh ?
& Murlo, no worries at all. Days like this where everyone races to support each other is the true meaning of this site. ..and..if that makes you feel any better, some stranger (ok ok..a neighbour!) was thinking about you at silly 3am...the song was for you really...& to reflect the purpose of GC!
Diary,
Wellllllll...i am coo coo indeed. I had this opportunity to catch up with rest and so on as had holidays recently..but no, i went in to work. Its crazy! Its all double time and holiday back and so on..but it doesn't defeat the main intention - rest. The thing is, i cannot stay still...i cannot stay on my own and i cannot stay in my head. ..time off is more painful than working days ?..and the job is not really easy....
So, went through top 500 uk hits overnight lol...had a rave and a dance. Too many cigs and no toilet for the whole 9 hours! Proud of my bladder tho ?
Back late morning..peaceful sleeps with my gorgeous girl. She really inspires me so much and i continue to love her more with each rising sun..i just love her....imagine if i could offer this love to a two legged human...wow! A lucky one is somewhere out there lol..offers on the post card pls ?
Am ok. I had quite disturbing dream this aft but that just made me to go out in the park and had a good run round the field with lil one...we both enjoyed it!
Back to normal shifts as of tom..a bit apprehensive following what has gone on recently but needs must. I must face the stuff head on!
No gambling..thank God....was so close over these last few days...
Stay safe all, blessings xx
S&B xx
Yo diary,
Not much to report really. slept well, gym done, something to eat and journey awaits.
A bit on a lonely mindset tho.....
It is what it is.
No gambling
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Finding myself sitting on a chair with hot water bottle on my knees. Watching lil girl sleep infront of me. Greying snout ?..I'm sure i see extra white hair on here more often...she is happy..content, fed, looked after, loved. I dont think i could do more for her..and so, i do my best. To make the days count...every single minute of them.
Off the chat with one call taker. Good soul. Impressive talent to get you open up...good listener, good adviser. Thank you for your time tonight.
Not much more to report. After shift. Sleeps ahead and then gym & another shift ahead.
I can & will do it.
No gambling
Night all, stay safe.
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Food for thought: 2 boys been raised by a CG father/mother. One boy gets asked; why do you gamble? - "Well, I've seen my dad/mum gambling whilst growing up".
Another boy gets asked - why you do not gamble? " well ive seen my dad/mum gambling whilst growing up".
Moral of the story - individual perception.
Another thought - read about addict in the hole post...only addict would jump in with another addict ..cause he/she knows the way out.
I possibly just need an addict in recovery in my life to help me to move away from this site..and move on with my life...start recovering.
Dear Lord pls hear me out
S&B xx
Are there any GA meetings near you, San? You could find a sponsor there, if you think it will help you xx
Hi f,
Maybe about half hour away but im still not keen on GA..or travelling. I do believe its the best way forward however..here we go. I still feel hurt with them.
Yeah, sponsor would be great. Not sure if i can look up any of those groups online. Will have a dig.
Hope you're well!
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Long time no proper speak...
Been busy with work..and by busy i mean busy. Telling me blue Monday affected many people..poor souls....RIP.
Sister rang up with the words " i feel depressed".now...all warning bells ringing over here because she never says that and when she does say it, - she means that. I see difference in us. I can go on about depression and the feeling she is now feeling 365 days a year..no kidding. Im kinda waiting until i finish it all for myself one day..i have a feeling it will come & nobody will have any suspicion about it...
So anyway, she tells me that..i know she is always balanced emotionally and physically..and of course mentally so it scares me. She even missed her University today which is not like her ?. Want to support her...and maybe i did...the whole 50mins on a phone!
My own problems seems to take bk seat now. She is a priority.
I may take O/T tom night...haven't decided yet. Days off are my enemy really...if i do, i will deffo wheel my next pay in a barrel...hard work pays well too....
What a coincidence with gambling huh..
Ciao for now..no gambling
S&B xx
lol... its ok am not gonna stalk you on facebook ;-).... am not sure i'd really know how to go about it 🙂
All this work work work will catch up with you eventually, you know this... waggy finger!
Your sister will find her way through.
Life goes on.... 🙂
Ha SA...i actually listened to you and binned tonight's work..
Feel awful with cold again and was not able to get up till 2pm..shocking..felt very sick.
Plus got email from hr informing me that whatever OT i did is 2x more payment and holiday back than i originally thought..scary really as...its a lot of money. This however helped me to make a decision not to go in tonight.
Managed gym...just.
Trying to look after myself and cooking meals second day running. Needed hot soup and proper meals in this body. I guess i run myself down a little.
Sister sounds in high spirits today..bless her. I am amazed how she clocks that something is wrong with her and takes action. Got herself vitamin B and D. (D being a tanning room). I guess we all need that sun at this time of the year.
Not much more to report. Emotional chat on here last night. Shame i run out of my 30 allocated minutes..adviser had me in tears by minute 28...she broke my walls and i so desperately needed to speak more..but, it is what it is.
No gambling to report.
Stay safe all
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Feeling very depressed today. Kinda unloved. Not nice emotion and i know it's not true but what can you do when mind just goes in circles in negativity.
Have no urges...lying here. I had urges earlier when fired laptop up for the chat.
Worried about work again. I want to quit. Stress is immense even when im not there. I just know i will have to be back facing the pile of stuff and its already putting me down. It's shocking how i am failing to enjoy my time off. Its just not happening. Im dragging myself even for walks recently.
Im worried about money already. This month is very tight. I have no pennies spare at all. I cant rememeber last time i bought anything for myself..that's like clothes/shoes wise..maybe 2 years back? ..possibly...what a sad life.
Started talking to a lad recently. I have no attraction to him to be fair but these days (and at my age) i cannot pick and choose really. Don't think there is love out there either. Just having someone you're comfortable around who respects you and is honest, is enough. No fairy tales these days....no shiny armours and white horses....its enough to function in healthy relationship..go out now and again, share household, take care of each other. I also need s*x. Its almost two years since im single and so bed department stalled completely.
Anyway, he seems genuine. I dont think he believes in love anymore either. Looking for honest person..i am honest...that's right...but am gonna deliver what he wants. Possibly attention as its needed in relationships. That will be tricky..i either sleep or sleep....im always very tired. Even on days off..shifts are killers indeed..
But again, is it possible to find that determination to get up and go out and about when you have someone beside you? Don't know...answers in the post please.
One positive - he is dog lover..and it wouldn't work otherwise because she will always come first for me and my life..fact!
Well, that's about it. Pushing myself for the gym like no tomorrow...but on the other hand thinking...leave it today...just do nothing. You DESERVE day like that. You already cleaned, washed and walked lil girl..ironed and ate some soup. ..relax now, put TV on..just do NOTHING for the rest of the day...and ...don't feel bad about it.
Self love/self care.....lack it soooo much...sigh
S&B xx
Evening Neighbour, might have to pop round to borrow some sugar ?
It seems daft to say I hope you are ok because you have so much on so I won’t. What I do hope is that you are taking some time for you. I know you have been to the gym but maybe time for more than that.
Hi diary & thanks Murlo...xx
So another day g free and am almost at half year mark with no slots. The closest i came to gamble was around two weeks ago..thankfully i didn't break through the blocks...what a blessing thinking of this now!
These days off went like in a mist. Wasn't and still not feeling very well. ..cold has got grip on me indeed. Alcohol consumption didn't help i guess. Thankfully no more that second evil and i shall get into my shifts as of tomorrow.
Im under immense pressure with work. Also have to complete my Diploma soon and im nowhere near the finish line with that. Stress makes me want to run away...that seems to be a pattern... looked up jobs today...warehouse op, shop assistant..i just don't know what to do.miss stress free job ( or less than im on now) but on the other hand think i can push trough...there are good prospects in this job if i keep holding on and go through these initial difficulties..im just a bit at a loss i guess.
Went to the gym past few days. Plan is to go for another session today but am still thinking..(best get into gear with decision as it closes at 5pm). Listened to a concert for Avicii Tribute they released not long ago. Extremely emotional and had tears rolling at the gym as the artists performed his best hits live...maybe will attempt to put it on here but doubt it will get published.
Is it connected with my recovery? Yes, because each and every song has so much meaning in my journey of recovery..every year since i started posting here.....
Blessings and stay safe all
S&B xx
Hiya x
I relate to much of what you say. Am so use to being on my own that am not sure i'd have any idea how to share my life with another. I find that the older I get the less I care but like you say, unmet needs tend to lead to escapist behaviours.
Your doing really well on the gamble free time. Its been along time since iv'e done 6 months. Getting to one month would be a miracle for me at the moment.
I guess the thing with work is to keep plodding on one day at a time and keep focussed on the long term rewards. I think you get addicted to being busy and exhausted all the time, as do many of us and its what society demands of us much of the time. I'm addicted to Youtube video's, the one's which tell you just to sit, do nothing and come to terms with one's existential loneliness. Most of us spend a life time escaping from ourselves in some way or another.
Anyway thoughts are with you... 🙂 x
Thank you so much SA xx...please get in touch when you feel you need a shoulder..to talk, to be listened and not judged.
Im gonna attempt for a billionth time to leave this site. ..purely so i can concentrate on myself (finally).
Thank you all for reading this diary...and if its YOU who still reads it or came accross it just now - thank you, i have always believed in you.
Thank you GamCare ❤
Out of 1000's songs i chose this one.. closer to home than i could of ever dreamt of...
Finally, thank you for my gorgeous girl Bella......simply no words.
Goodnight all, safe journies, keep up the hope....God bless
S&B xxxxxxxx
Love that song.
Wish you the very best SB, hope you find what your looking for. Take care
Stace xx
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