...

Thanks SA..

Yes, it does make sense. Find that "something" & roll with it. I think we will get there...simply cause we deserve it ?

Impressed with your run in this heat, I am being kind to me and taking day off gym today to recover a bit more physically.

Diary,

Feeling a lot better than yesterday. It's been busy shift & I started it napping through the briefing (??) but when ball got rolling, it didn't stop till the end of it. For the first time I felt a part of the structure. ..brought me a bit more confidence and belonging.

Days off now. Beautiful weather outside even if I slept most of the afternoon. Still have evening huh. Little lady just sunbathe and I'm trying to get her back in as I don't think she senses how hot it actually is. Will wait few hours and take her to the river...the joy it brings me seeing her happy and stone fishing is unreal! She is not keen on water but that river...that's just something she truly enjoys. I guess it's just the right depth for her so she doenst have to swim ?

Also, as expected I worried parents yesterday so spent all morning on a phone trying to calm them down and explaining that I did lose marbles yesterday due to tiredness. Seemed to work so hoping they're not stressing over me too much.

I have slight urge to gamble...but but but....I feel it's time to start taking instead of giving away....taking what brings purpose in life oppose the destruction.

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Few minutes ago I touch subject on bond...with my pet.

Well, this has made think. There is history involved which i think is connected.

We had few dogs when I was little. ..I just never had chance to connect with them. It was almost a fight between me/ my sister/ my mum.... my mummy always was caring and loving person. Animals were hers mainly and i guess bond between them was created without me realising and missing on such opportunity...on the other hand, i was little and so..school and so on...nor me nor my sister liked to take dogs for a walk - responsibility side.

I had connection with one dog...Dora. she was found in the street by my sister. Abandoned puppy. We took her in. We had her for about 8 years. She was so loving. I remember me holding her in the balcony whilst waiting for the dad to come back from work...we both seemed to love him so deep......she would recognise him getting off the bus about 100 metres away and used to start barking and almost jumping out of my hands to go and greet him. She loved my dad so much....and my dad usually don't really show much emotion...but I know she had his heart for sure.

One winter evening my sister took her for a walk. She was with a friend.. they decided to slide on ice by the street....same street 100 metres away. ..she dropped the lead...Dora ran in the street...she was run over 🙁

I remember that evening. My mum (being a nurse previously) tried to help Dora out. We had her on almost operation table..she was cleaned...she was......(just for clarification..there was no things as vets back then...in my country)

...next thing she was laid by my side on the sofa, wrapped in a sheet and seemed like just resting, peacefully sleeping. My dad come back from work. There was no bark...just silence...piercing silence...followed by heartache..she was gone.

My dad took her somewhere. I am not sure where. For the next few weeks I ...as a child, didn't sleep as I was expecting her to bark and come back home. I believed she will come back, happy and barking. I didn't accept she was gone. I remember it so freshly even now. I still so miss her.

I don't feel I ever had a chance to properly care for her.. show my love and affection.

....until I found Bella..and the responsibility she brought with her.

.couldn't love her more..maybe she has a spirit of Dora with her.

S&B xx ❤????❤

Hi diary,

Am finding today difficult. Not sure why but I'm thinking that it's ok to gamble today.  Is it boredom or self beating for being a loner. Maybe both.

How difficult is it to make connections?

I should of met a person from AA today. I can't be bothered.

I should of gone to the lakes with sister...I can't be bothered.

I should be using these rest day for my wellbeing. I can't be bothered.

Everything is a struggle. Jeezz...what I have become huh

Remember gambling WONT make you happy.

let that sink in

That sunk in ages ago. I'm not looking for happiness in gambling..im looking for escape.

Let that sink in before making assumptions

Posted by: SB28

Hi diary,

 

Am finding today difficult. Not sure why but I'm thinking that it's ok to gamble today.  Is it boredom or self beating for being a loner. Maybe both.

 

How difficult is it to make connections?

 

I should of met a person from AA today. I can't be bothered.

I should of gone to the lakes with sister...I can't be bothered.

I should be using these rest day for my wellbeing. I can't be bothered.

 

 

Everything is a struggle. Jeezz...what I have become huh

 

 

Hi, hope you don't mind me throwing in my two penneth, but your post appeared in "most recent" and it struck a chord with me because I'm in exactly the same situation today. I've got a rare day off. No urges to gamble (thankfully) that's (hopefully) long in the past for me; but I'm so bored and dissatisfied with my life in general that I'm commenting on Gamcare when there are a million more productive things I SHOULD be doing!

Is it depression? Is it world-weariness? Have I been working too hard? I don't know. But what I DO know is the world can kiss my big one today and just leave me alone please!! If there's a knock at the door I won't answer it; my phone is already set to divert!

 But it isn't about me, I wanted to say there's nothing wrong with feeling low and ppppd off. Embrace it. Get angry about it. Have compassion for yourself as you would for someone you care about. Don't put so much pressure on yourself with the "I should, I must, I need to" internal dialogue. Replace any thought that starts with that with "I'd like to..."

See? "I should go to the gym. I should phone that person from AA". 

Try: "I'd like to go to the gym. I'd like to phone that person from AA".

If the answer to your own question is "Actually, no! I don't feel like doing either today", then cool. No problems. Do it another day when you do want to. And if you never want to ever again... cool too. Don't!

Sometimes it's enough to just BE by yourself and enjoy your own silence for a bit.

Best wishes,

Friedkin x

Posted by: SB28

That sunk in ages ago. I'm not looking for happiness in gambling..im looking for escape.

 

Let that sink in before making assumptions

My point was to help, no idea which way you took it. I won’t bother with your diary again.

Oh..apols HC..I must of misread..you sounded like talking to a schoolgirl being first day at school. "Sink in" comment sent me off the handle. Best stay away from this diary, I'm not the nicest person to communicate with.

Thanks Friedkin.  Good to read we understand each other. Maybe just one of those days huh. Gym would be lovely if it wasn't closed this bank holiday. ..and it's not first (not last) for me to cancel on plans. 

I booted it with an email to my counsellor with stopping sessions. Gotta do what works and presently hardly anything works for me.

Hope your day progresses in more positive way. Doing nothing can be good sometimes too...as long as managed and balanced well.

S&B xx

whatever works for you, hun?

Sorry for sounding a bit "Mumsnet".

Fx

That is Friedkin,

Not sure why your post been taken off. Again, this reminds me of censorship where your words/opinion is stamped on by the heavy boot of "big brother"...I appreciate your comments and support tho.

I read your thread about this addiction being "intelligent". I tend to disagree. It's the most irrational addiction going with the biggest consequences for human being and everyone around.

There is hardly any hard job to sign up and press the button. I, for one, didn't even understand some games and it was just the matter of action. No strategy and no plan...just press the button and watch features spin expecting some kind of super moment where bonus feature comes up.

This addiction grabs hold of rich and poor, happy and upset, young and old...there are no limits in this field. Anyone can get hooked on it. I agree with joydivider that eventually everyone touching those machines (online or land based) ends up with addiction to deal with. It's what it does to our minds, what buzz it creates for us to want to come back to it more often and at more riskier stakes.

Progression. This addiction swallows us and spits us out over and over again. Its eye watering knowing how innocently it all started. 20p a spin and crying my eyes out for losing that tenner...6 years forward and it's £10 spins and hardly any emotion knowing that debt is unmanageable. Numbness...and repeat the action few days later.

For me personally the addiction has become the chase of my losses. Day in day out I think how I would win it all back and put this period of my life to rest. Still disorted thinking as I fail to see that this day I dream off is not gonna come through continued gambling. 

Mentally I'm back to the start...financially - around 5 years back. That's how long it will take me to sort the mess out...and thats only if I didn't go back to gambling.

Anyhoo......

Another day diary. Better sleep last night...it takes few days to recover.

On the last shift I learned something which shook me up. A person from organisation whom I never seen in person but spoken to on almost regular basis, who was a bit of nightmare to me and my colleagues telling us how to do our work and sometimes being excessively pushy....has taken the overdose. This kind of affected me because I seen that person so strong and confident. Always on the ball and even if many didn't agree with the approach they showed and things they said, I seemed to accept them the way they are. Yeah, maybe trying too hard and yeah, maybe not being always right...however it was clear to see how they put themselves out of their box and did more than they should.

This is the problem with this day society. Almost everyone wears the mask. Almost everyone pretends they're on the top of the game and doing well when in reality they hurt inside, struggles within and silently shouts for help.... its very difficult to believe what you see or hear anymore because almost everyone puts brave face on because...that's how it should be...that's what society expects. 

I stopped my counselling and got confirmation email today. Did I make the right choice or was it just another episode of throwing dummy out of the pram? I guess I just didn't feel I am making progress but again, I guess this stuff takes time to feel noted. 

It is what it is at the end of the day. I just have to keep moving forwards.

Hopefully no gambling today. A session at the gym and more time for r&r instead.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another mundane day. Managed to text AA person eventually however she is working today so we postponed the meeting for another day..it's difficult to plan something with this schedule of mine.

Today actually felt like need to get out of the house. Almost planned a day out in the Peaks but changed my mind...again. I would love to, truly would but there are some barriers in place..maybe my own barriers. 

Decided to take a day off gym. Saying that I'm already thinking of a session later on today. Looked at my calendar y'day and I attended 107 times since January! Around 14 days a month..so that's half a month spent for my physical wellbeing. Makes me think how commited I can be to some stuff. ..so why not recovery?..tough question for this mind.

Parents are still worrying. I can't believe that a moment of proper honesty last week has resulted in all this now. I made a mistake opening up to them. They have enough on their plate as it is..now i put this extra pressure of " not coping" with life on their shoulders..shame on me ?

Presently going through study notes. Not even sure why as I should know it all by heart now. ..I don't. Memory is not exactly strong point of mine...I guess alcohol abuse over the years might be a lot to do with the same.

That's about it actually. I tried to look into process of selling the house yesterday. To my surprise the value also gone up by 7k. Can only be a good thing. I made this place look really nice when I bought it. Some rooms are unrecognizable. Also tried to sort garden yesterday so weeding complete. Apart from few fence panels and couple of posts, it can also look immaculate.

I am aware I should move on from GamCare but this diary is very important to me. Maybe one day I would like my sister to read it. Maybe when I'm not around (no self harm thoughts just to be clear). Since I cannot open up to her generally, this would explain and answer many questions I believe she has about me and my emotional state. 

That's about it for today..let's see what rest of the day brings...

S&B xx

Just checking in and reading your thoughts. 

I think your doing mighty fine 🙂 x

Hi S,

Good news about the house value. Good reflections on what your job is doing to the rest of your life. The people I work with, who have responsibilities, work until 10pm then are back at work for 6am the next day. They don't earn much more than me. I don't think it's worth it. I'd rather be happy and healthy.

I'm unusual in my workplace. I politely say "no, thank you" to the madness. I am, however, one of the people who are most full of life. I do things that nourish my soul in my time off. 

I've worked out that when I say yes to somewhere that is not good for me, somewhere I don't want to be, I am about 50 times more likely to go on a gambling binge. I definitely drink more booze. So, even financially, I'm no better off.

We are making choices all the time. We need to regularly review whether they are in our best interests or not.

Take care,

f x

Thanks SA and Freda xx

Talking about work, I hear you loud and clear Freda. To be honest I don't think I am working class person. I never liked my jobs, only went so I can pay bills and aid my survival. 

This last job (present one) gave me a lift I needed..I never felt more proud of myself finally being able to do what I dreamt of doing!...and I guess the pride came with me achieving so much by myself...no c**k sucking nor paying under the table or asking felatives to give a word for me...all down to my own hard work, studies and dedication....i loved it.....until it all tumbled down with the baggage it brought over with it. Call it side effects.  They do outweigh the actual purpose of this career.

I  love to find a job I can do working from home. That would be ideal i believe. Im not exactly chair bound and locked to the screen person (ha!!! That made me laugh as what do i do for hours when gamble??) and i do like to move around at work but if i could be here with my girl, i would be more than happy to do so. 

I also thought about personal trainer's job however im not exactly the healthiest person nor do I follow the program. I smoke and have a drink...that's far from helpful so underneath all this muscle and strengh, I guess I'm tripping apart physically.

I guess that's my input on work.  Cant say im staying for the salary as I'm on pennies presently but I'm staying...cause I believe I will get over the side effects...one day..I just need to stick it out...and find support to help me manage better.

So diary, no gambling today. Slight headache but not sure if its to do with weather. 5th day off and I did nothing apart roaming around house and gym..plus walks with lil girl. Isolated myself successfully and on top of that turned my back to counselling..a little let out I had. ..but, we keep moving on, I know miracles do happen if we manage to aknowledge them at a time ?

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

Actually, i could even be a staying home mum. Pop few kids out, get benefits and I guess reap the rewards of being at home and seeing them grow up....but....I have mental health struggles and so that would be impossible. Plus I would like to keep a bit of sanity (I have left) intact.

Ive seen my mum raising us while She struggled with MH. All her life. Was it good upbringing? No..to my overall view - it wasn't. Dysfunctional family. 

Even tho if she did good job (we are two grown up girls now managing life on it's terms) the experience brought a lot of suffering and confusion.

However love is stronger than anything in this world huh...and so...we forgive and accept some things..and find rationale accordingly. None of us are perfect.