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Hi Sandra :)) . 

Thank's for your post the other night and you did make me laugh with you story o the " Slide " but it kinda makes sense now that I know you live in " Belgium " LOL :)) 

Only kidding love 🙂 , Massive workload for you but i'm sure you'll dig deep and do what you need to do , but only as long as you remember to look after you too 🙂 . 

Not too sure about the jungle track though to clear the weeds , maybe a little "Jungle rock " by Hank mizel  might ease the pain ? LOL . 

Take care x 

What industry do you work in, Sandra?! Is it care homes? You seem to have a lot of long shifts and unsociable hours.

f x

Hi Sandra,

I go through a similar cycle. I need the money. I always need the money... but am tired and I need to rest. Ive just said NO to a night shift tonight. My manager doesn't like me for saying no cos she's use to me saying yes cos she knows what my problem is and the need for money BUT today I said no!

Working all the hours does fill time for sure and stop you doing other self-destructive things (in the short term) but in the medium term is just fooks you up... it does me anyway.

Anyway glad your still about. I do think about you even though am seldom in contact. take care... rest when ya can... S.A 🙂

Hi Sandra :). 

I'm suspecting for whatever reason and you being so quiet your in the land of " MOD " ??? ................ If I'm right then my thought's are with you but don't let it affect you too much ..............Most of us with any time on here have  all been through the same at some point and with the amount of posting we do we can't please or agree with everyone all the time , that being said I'm sure we'll talk again soon :)) .

look after you and B and KOKO :)) x    

Ha Alan...inspector Morse huh ?

Thank you guys and girl for your kind words.

To be completely honest, i think I'm loosing my ?.  Some things trigger me and some (truly traumatic ones) passes me without emotion. I guess I cannot pin point those myself anymore.

Was worried about the user all day yesterday and hope all is well. Also cannot fully accept my disgusting language with an adviser yesterday. Whoever you were who called -my apologies. ...I again, got my frustration out on someone who was innocent in all this..

Presently am just thinking if I can finally put my hands up and give up on this site. Many silent nudges over the years and maybe it finally hit home..I actually truly hope so.  We have to do what's working huh...is this still working for me?...

12hts shift turned out to be 16hrs one. I am not functioning at all if I'm honest. Money grabbing finished me off completely lol 

I just don't know anymore. I repeat wise words of someone ..."all this only hurts you more"..how I wish I could listen to these when time is right.

Thanks sister for a beautiful bouquet..if only I could mature alongside my years...if only.

No gambling. Parents suffering and struggling again. Lil B ok...sister ok too...me?...i just could sleep forever.

I shall make some decisions while im being blocked from free word..maybe it's time where i need to truly reconsider my life, decisions and options.

Stay safe all, koko - 1 day at a time.

S&B xx

Hey , Inspector Morse here again 🙂 . 

I think if memory serves we had quite a few set too's on here in my early day's and they also contained some Russian sounding word's ending in " Off " ??? ...... The thing is Sandra were still here as friend's , still containing our addiction and no hard feeling's . 

It is what it is sometimes S , tempers get a little raised and before you know it thing's escalate out of all proportion .

As we know it's difficult engaging with someone in cyber space at times as you have no Idea what picture someones face is painting behind the word's we write , I also feel that dealing with the addiction side of gambling is difficult enough but  the mental state of someone who's been driven to gambling as a self medication for other reason's ( not being disrespectful)  is an even more deeper much more complex issue . 

Only you can decide if this place is what you want and still need Sandra ? all I'll say is that it's served you well whatever you decide .

Look after yourself Hun and speak soon :))   

KOKO x

Thank you Alan...and you're right...after long and tiring consideration (all 20+ hrs....pushing it really) I decided to stay on here ?....now all the boo's and dissapointed expressions hopefully subsided (giving ya all no more than a minute ???) I am actually glad to be posting.

My space, my thoughts, my arguments, my support..simple I guess.

Been on here for 6+ years and nahhh...this not gonna end here just yet. Not since I'm embarking the most important journey in my life. I need this space to vent (within limits of course).

Spoke to lovely Blondie yesterday (our loved & missed S) and she strangely gave me purpose again! As ya see, i dont need much and tiny reminder of positive stuff is always helpful! I am also very proud of that girl...she is amazing and as strong as ever!

Today, after i yet again reconsidered my career,i was told that the person never spoke to a nicer person before..(That was ME lol)...now, when i finally let my head shrink (almost didn't fit through the door at one point) and accepted the comment...I kind of feel better...maybe I'm not that bad after all...

In 3 days I went from being a b****h and psycho to quite nice and "tolerable" person ???..

It was good to see hope in someone's eyes...and I'm glad that I managed to ignite that fire for life again...can be priceless moments these...truly can...

Worst shifts over (earlies)..recovered from sleep deprivation from 2 days ago (now I know why ya say NO to overtime SA) and I'm back in the saddle.

No gambling to report...lil girl by my side...some good sleeps planned ahead...gym in the morning hopefully and off again....work just maybe is not that bad after all ?

Stay safe all - you're all doing brilliantly!

S&B xx

Ps. I forgot I'm moderated ???....bahh

Hey Sandra saw this and thought it was perfect! Have a great weekend.

“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.”

Cathy❤

" PERFECT "  :)) XXXXX

Dreams... what is your dream for today?

I sometimes muss about them. The dream for me is something bigger than one can achieve. A vision which sits there and almost waits for a miracle to happen. It is nice feeling to have a dream however to pursue it, you need to tie it with a goal. ..and look how all the perspective of it has changed here. 

Having a dream and setting a goal for it kind of forces you into action. The vision becomes clear and you suddenly have a target. It becomes real. It's important to aknowledge that dreams do not come on a golden plate. We need to work hard for them, dedicate time, effort and commitment. It can also feel somewhat unpleasant to start the journey in reaching your dream/goal. Setbacks and lack of belief can come in the way...doubts, uncertainty, ..even fear.

But all those are part of the journey. Letting it unfold in all the colours possible and allow it to grow into something amazing is extremely challenging however ever so rewarding...it's the end result what once sat in the back of our minds as a dream/miracle...suddenly becomes a reality, the fruit of hard work.

Never stop yourself from dreaming, it's the purpose of life...even the tiniest step forward is a progress, it's the movement from that spot we tend to get so comfortable in..neverless, it's a change, motion, shift...

Tie your dreams with a goal and watch it become reality...no matter how long it takes...it will come ❤

S&B xx

Thank you for posting on my last diary Sandra. I appreciate your support and understanding.

I have now started a new diary which is like a fresh beginning in my quest to be free from gambling.

I really liked your last post in your diary about dreams and how we can make them come true. It cheered me up and reminded me that we can realise our hopes and aspirations if we go about it in the right way.

Wishing Bella and your good self a happy Sunday and an excellent week ahead.

Stephen x 

Thanks Stephen, reposted.

Diary,

Has been full on week. Nearing another record with the working hours i completed this week. 

It may be slight gain financially however I gave back more emotionally and physically. ..cannot buy those vital wellbeing factors back...so, kind of...I guess it's my loss...i cannot change it now..just possibly get my priorities right going forwards.

Was out of touch of reality recently. I live society life. It's not my life, emotions, struggles. However I take them on. Not exactly the same feeling as it's not mine but it's strange one and I struggle to explain.

Didn't have my personal emotions again for over a week. Go almost on autopilot. A bit of cold touch when i have these episodes..i am not truly myself.

Cried for the first time in a while today. What triggered tears/emotions?My baby girl. She gave me a hug, almost like a human, resting her paws on my shoulders and her head on my neck. Didn't even realise when tears started rolling down. It also felt comforting to be in touch with reality...myself, my emotions. ...lil B is truly God send. I never thought my life will feel so full in her company.

Have been neglecting my diet. Scared me a little knowing my past bordering anorexia. Trying to be kind to me and eat even small amounts when I can. ..I drink a lot of fluids tho so ...maybe not all that bad.

Kept the gym routine up. Absolutely not healthy as I noticed my performance deteriorating exhaustion and starvation given but I guess it's another mental battle I need to fight going forwards. However Gym gives me space to breathe, truly helps getting the compound emotions out...even if only for an hour or two.

No gambling to report. Today I thought how it's not about the amount of time I abstained but the changes I have made inwardly. How I cope with myself without the need of escape and how I accept support too. How I made changes to embark new journey in my life. Any alternatives to aid me to move forward...but gambling.

Urges are still here. Sometimes heavier sometimes lighter. People say it will never go away having knowledge we tasted that "drug" (gambling) once. The emotions and highs it brings. ..that's Ok, ...as long as I don't follow my thoughts by actions. Urges are not gonna hurt me - actions will.

Gambling has taken a lot away from me. Friendships, self confidence, peace, time and health...not forgetting money.

But on the other hand, ...if I didn't gamble I would of not crossed paths with so many amazing people, I would of not decided to look at my past (which i still believe is a trigger to my addictions), I would of not challenged myself in the walk of life and I wouldn't of pushed myself out of my comfort zone and started making changes in my life. 

So...there is always two sides to the coin...and yes - everything happens for a reason.

It's not exactly "what if" mussings....but it's the facts and acceptance of situation. ..maybe I need to thank my gambling addiction after all, without it I wouldn't off set off on the journey to find true me.

Stay safe all, day at a time.

Woofs and hugs from me & B xx

Hi Sandra

You know sometimes being on autopilot is fine. I am going through that phase - because too much introspection will mess me up! Don’t get me wrong it is necessary and part of the process but it’s good to have a break now and then. Flippancy is underrated ! Be gentle with yourself x

Thanks Rob,

So unfortunately am back in the game of gambling. Heavy one again. 

Am not even sure if I want to break the cycle anymore...very much so should of.

Tough decisions ahead.