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Dear SB28,

Sorry to read about your traumatic experience. Have you spoken to anyone about this before?

Please contact us on the Helpline or Netline if you need to talk, alternatively you may find it helpful to look at the Safeline website: https://www.safeline.org.uk/

With very best wishes,

Forum Admin

Hi diary,

A bit of a break is always good for the soul. Had plenty of time to reflect, put things into perspective and basically lick my wounds I suddenly opened up last week.

I look at my baby girl with extra love and appreciation now. I still haven't fully accepted my intentions last week. It was truly bad and I completely shown my vulnerabilities for my cry for help. Thoughts are thoughts...but when plan starts to shape up, it's definitely time to reach for anything possible with the last strenght you have.

Massive ripples on my mental state but my biggest grattitude goes for GC staff who listened, checked in, advised...been there. Eva, Fiona, Violet, counsellor...you have no idea how of a positive effect you have had on me recently. What seems simple chat for one, for another is an opening paths of choices, possibilities. ..glimpse of hope. 

I have no idea why my past demons caught up with me since my mental breakdown but they did. Like extra suffocating weight on top of already struggling mind. 

So, after so many years I finally properly reached out. I contacted every organisation possible to help me deal with those demons and find healthier path forward. I have received a lot of information and also am arranging to see someone regarding this...and also groups, there are so many groups out there for survivors. I never looked into it into such dept.

I think I pushed my experiences to the back of my head all my life. Wishing to forget them not realising that the fire is still burning and will not go away. It chased me in many forms and shapes...nightmares, loss, flashbacks, addictions, isolation. I never fully understood why and to be fair, i still don't. ...but now I know where to look. 

I was thinking to myself that all this time I was barking at the wrong tree here...but, i am aware I have this addiction which i need to work at it daily. Like putting all the issues in separate folders...my past trauma, my addictions, my personal life, my relationships, trust, my career.....even I see that most and foremost I need to start with the first one mentioned here...the rest kind of start making sense and is like after shocks...I already see them falling back into places.

Yes, i know this much. I also know how important is to reach out for help. I almost gave up. I send few emails which came back negative due to the part of the country i live and it briefly set me back thinking..."do you know how hard it is to reach out?"...but then a piece of me urged me to carry on..keep self referring, keep looking...and so...i feel i got somewhere now. All those years later i am ready to face it all again...accept it, process it, learn to live again. Forgive, learn to accept myself for who I am, build that life ahead I so deserve.

I often said to other people - " you don't understand".  And of course they don't, but they try to. And this is huge in itself. 

I spoke to one person yesterday. Struggling person and they said "you don't understand". And i said "no", I don't but if you help me help you, i will try my best. And so i listened, not interrupting, not rushing, not judging. We watched waves hitting the shore late evening, sea getting quite angry by the minute. ..it was calming and also alerting at the same time.

I could relate to a lot being said. Most definitely feeling of worthlessness and being a weight for this world. At this moment my empty vessel I tried to pour from for the last few weeks started to fill up again. I found something shifting in myself then and that fire for life lit up immediately. I shared and talked and mussed about life, not just bull**** but honest personal views and ...hope.

At the end of the day, the person helped me as much as i helped them and that's where i truly believe my calling is...everyone's on this earth calling is - helping others helps you in return.

Today I'm greatful for my strength and persistence to keep fighting my demons by asking for help.

Today I see myself as struggling person but believing in better good to come. Today i have hope...and my very liked saying of "it doesn't have to stay this way" goes out to you all struggling souls.

Much love, blessings

Just for today..never stop believing

S&B xx ❤?

Hey Stace,

Not to worry. We both seem to have struggled recently and so possibly are emotionally sensitive to words being said.

My best friend (ex best friend) said few years back " get help, i cannot help you, i am sick too and need help also". And that has been truly good statement to make. I cannot fix you or your troubles. We are all dealing with our own personal demons....but, help we must reach. 

Else it will carry on with clashes, misunderstandings, and possibly hurt.

Not sure what I'm typing here, it all made sense few minutes ago ( I didn't sleep for a few moons so not the sharpest of minds lol) but I honestly hope you understand what I'm saying. 

Help is out there, never give up hope. Accept it - really accept it.

Stay safe, be kind to you.

S&B

Hi Stace,

WOW! Where all that came from? You need to breathe girl. ...Sometimes you come accross paranoid about stuff but I can understand that. I used to be quite bad with the same.

Point was - me apologising. And that was start and end of my intention on chat. (As you know yourself). 

Now you mentioned all this, i am getting paranoid that ppl talks behind my back...lol...

To be clear, your name wasn't mentioned at all to anyone...it's kind of one of my skills to untangle stuff and as I said -i worked it all out by myself...so....apology hopefully accepted your way ?

I'm  not clashing with you either...we hardly talk huh so it's difficult to clash me thinks.

Moving forward - deal! I wish you well as Much as you wish me the same too and I know...I just know we both will get to the bottom of our problems whatever they may be...keep up good work!

Diary,

99 balloons!yay!...and ....alongside big 100 tom I also aknowledge my official 6 years on GamCare. Flew by...much lessons learned...journey is still ongoing ?

Absolutely knackered this morning and shall retire for long needed/ deserved sleep. ..been 2 days without that sort of joy so Yes...I guess im mentally & physically ready now....till i face the night again! 

Have a good day all, stay safe, blessings

P.s...did I say how much I love my girl?...more than yesterday that is correct ?❤

S&B xx

Morning diary,

So rolled into the 100! Happy with that and more importantly, happy that I only get few urges nowadays. That doesn't mean other life's problems vanished away ?.

Life is truly a rollercoaster but managing the downs without having to turn to addictions is a massive progress being made.

....bahhh (?)..I truly wanted to say something remarkable this morning lol however mind gone on a little d'oh trip and there is nothing there. Lol...in other words "knock knock".

Has been another busy shift but every minute was worth it. I spoke to my "brother" a lot and definitely got new insights on life, job and myself....almost inspiring...(dont wonna push it ??).

Right, night from me and best wishes to all fighting this good fight! Just for today -stay safe ?

Blessings from me and my gorgeous gorgeous, amazing, lovely, wonderful lil girl. ..I am so so happy to be able to spend another day in her company! (+...rest days ?).

S&B xx

Hi Sandra .

Just dropping by to wish you a happy century and really glad to hear that your getting some happiness and clarity from parts of your life , long may it continue for you :)) .

All the best for now to you and B 🙂

Alan x 

Hear Ye - Hear Ye 

Sandra of the diaries has a century

This lady of true mettle whose heart beats loud and strong

Skips along the gamcare road singing a happy song

On a quest to find the truth and harmonise her life

Our heroine seeks peace for she's tired of all the strife

With freedom waiting up ahead her open eyes can see

That the road to one's salvation must be gamble free

Stephen x 

Hi Alan and Stephen ?. Thank you so much for your posts, appreciated ?❤

Diary,

Its not good emotions over this way...lol..I'm panicky and anxious. Feel extreme pressure. I'm scared I guess too. There is something I need to address over the next two days and I feel like I'm being pushed in the corner. ..its my mind playing tricks on me, i know that.

But i know i need to address it big time. 

Had horrendous urges last night. I gather half of it was knowing that I reached some sort of goal in regards with no gambling and the thoughts of "go on, you deserve a breather" were persistent more than usual.

I didn't gamble, i didn't even make steps to try and access gambling but urges were strong. It had hold of me and almost suffocated my being.

I know that these next few days will be extremely challenging and painful. I know I need to put myself through hell again but on the other hand, i also know that this is an opportunity for me to start helping myself....I am just not sure if I'm strong enough...If i can't handle this? What if it sends me to the desperate place of wanting to escape no matter what.

But again, all these are "what ifs" huh...so....keeping clear head on...nothing bad is happening, i am safe, i am adult responsible for myself and my wellbeing, i am able to make sound choices, i am commited to this path I found myself on. I got this????......have I actually got this...I truly wish to believe..

Life is such a journey huh.

Right, gym to help me find that balance and then ....then I shall stand brave and tall..and face it all...just face it!

No gambling - 101 and counting.

Blessings ❤? 

I can relate to the feelings of wanting to escape from dealing with something, Sandra. I have felt that way about driving on the dual carriageway. Just wanted to escape. I truly believe we get stronger the more we just face stuff. It's really hard at times. To hold your nerve. I find myself longing for physical comfort. To be held and comforted after facing scary stuff.

Dua Lipa came on in the gym today and I thought of you and smiled. You'll be pleased to hear that I've deleted all of the contact details for the men who did not respect me. Both of them.

Just keep talking and reaching out whenever an urge comes.

You got this!

Thank you Freda...xx

I reposted and most of it should of been on my page...because I can't stop ranting away!

Anyway...just music tonight...something to relate and take peace from.

https://youtu.be/WO43XZ1zXBg

S&B xx

I guess one of those days....

Thanks diary for being the space to share my feelings...

https://youtu.be/I-VsisgVkHw

Last one for today..most meaningful one.

https://youtu.be/-ncIVUXZla8

S&B xx

Hi Sandra :))

Thank's for your post Hun , I know we haven't spoken for a while but I do still try and keep up with your updates . 

Maybe I'm wrong ( not for the first time on this forum huh ? ) but you do seem to have turned a bit of a corner lately and noticed huge changes since you took in your little " B " :)) . 

I know myself the power and joy having a dog around to tell your troubles too and with truly no judgement either ( unless you forget to feed em ) that is . 

Mines 14 now and a little deaf and a little blind too , she's now got a dodgy tooth as well and is going in next Monday to have it taken out , was a little worried about the sleepy dust they give her but she's had blood tests which show she'll be ok so fingers crossed :)) . 

As for your latest post's ....well rantings good love so just get it all out there huh and be free of those thoughts that trouble us :)) .

Stop looking at it as 100 day's complete but 99 more till the next century , that way those urges will leave you alone I'm sure . 

Thank's for popping over it truly means a great deal , so don't be a stranger at the "Hotel " 🙂 

Wishing you and B a peaceful night  x  

Hi S

Just popping in to say hi. I see life has been difficult for you of late. I am so sorry but happy to see that you continue to work at it... you will get there.?

Cathy

Cathy!!!!!! My lovely, so good to hear from you! ❤ How is your son? How are you?

It has been difficult day yesterday and today I reckon will not be any easier but I am indeed moving forwards. Skeletons has to come out of that closet to be dealt with and ...for once - I will not hide under the covers!

Didn't get much sleep last night and day starts early. Have two doggies to look after for a week (took in my sister's dog as they went away) and just had over an hour walk. Lol...I'm not risking taking them both at the same time knowing my girl can be triggered easily so one by one they go. I'm not complaining, it has been beautiful sunny morning and a good walk is all I needed (as well as dogs ?).

Hopefully early session at the gym to prepare mentally and emotionally for the day.

Blessings all....Thank you Alan for your post, it did raise a smile and made me count my blessings again..

.Cathy, again, thank you for dropping by. You are always close to my heart.

S&B xx