Gambling Diary

Welcome back Urgh.

Sorry that bad times have brought you back, but glad you are addressing it and asking for help. I am wondering what happened with the request you made to end your self exclusion in the casino? Sounds like it would be a good idea to get that back in place. And do you think self-excluding from the bookies in your High St would help?

Please keep posting and letting us know how you're getting on.

Forum admin wrote:

What happened with the request you made to end your self exclusion in the casino?

I have been emailing them but they are not replying. Probably a good thing. I have been self excluding and removing them on and off for a few years, and they are getting the the point where each time they are saying this time is has to be permanenet. I guess they are taking things a little bit more seriously now with legislation and things.

To be honest I am fantasising about taking a 1k and just having one last try to get something.

I am 4 days free but today I am dreaming about gambling, I would really like to go.

I have done stints of 5-9 months. I will not be too saddened if i do slip up, as long as I am reducing my gambling, it is always a bonus.

I don't gamble online, haven't done so for may years, but I am thinking about it only because I cannot go to a casino anywhere in my area. I really don't trust online and won't use them again.

Hi urgh,

Whatever you do don’t start online . Its much worse than a physical casino as the chips don’t feel like cash - the money goes straight from your account and you don’t stop. My physical casino habit was bad but each time I went my losses were limited to the ATM limit....whilst online I’ve blown 20k one night. Register with GAMsTOP so you never go down this route.

I hate the way that online gambling’s is advertised everywhere - there is no way the majority of people will be betting for fun on sites, sure it may start off as fun or curiosity but it ends up being somewhere you think you can win big in the comfort of your own home....obviously not something that is gonna happen and you end up losing everything. I can understand why physical casinos could be justified as entertainment, night out with the boys etc , but online is purely to line the pockets of those big companies.

Gambled today, celebrations!

I was up £200, a nice little bit of cash to help cover bills etc etc. I always make the mistake of not using the money straight away for things. I put it in my bank accoutn and lose it.

I left with £60 profit and I bought my travel ticket with it.

I don't know what to think now.

Lost £200 today in the bookmakers. I was so depressed, because I had managed to make my money back but then I lost 5 straight spins.

Really dejected. I am so strict on myself with my bidget but when I lose, it makes me even more strict.

Fed up.

urgh, Forgive my graphic example: If a person is shooting up heroin or meth. can they pull the needle out of their arm in the middle of the injection? I see gambling to be somewhat like this example. When you start playing it's like injecting a substance in our bodies and because it's an addiction alot of compulsive gamblers will play until extinction of funds which is like playing until there are no drugs left . compulsive gambling may give the illusion of being about money and find logic around how we play but it's more drug like in my opinion. It's easier for me to digest not going back out if I think of it like a drug addiction. Really, science shows that it chemically effects the brain similarly to cocain. tara2

Went to the casino to talk about Reinstatement. In retrospect I do not think I will get reinstated, I absolutely forgot to lie about how I am all in control now.

It's been five years since I was last in this one. Looks exactly the same.

I am ashamed to say I have nothing in my life to look forward to, and the thought of one last go with 1k or something like that is worth a try.

Someone give me a slap.

Life will be even worse if you lost that £1000. How sick would that make you feel? How would you feel if you won? If you won you would eventually lose it all. Any winnings is just a loan you always give it back plus more

Good luck mate I know the feeling, at one stage I used to walk from bookies to GA meeting back to bookies. I am free one day at time, at the moment and for all of us that is all we can hope for. Listen to people on here, stick with the gamcare regardless of how bad it gets. I wish you the best in your recovery you can do it.

I went gambling today.

I spent last night watching videos on youtube and must've spent 2 hours watching FOBT videos until 4am. I had the day off today so I slept in late and went out to get some fresh air. I knew I was going to go. I was kidding myself when I said I was going to buy food.

I gave myself a £* budget. I won today and I didn't make the same mistake of putting it all back in.

I think I won £* today, which is incredibly rare, that was a culmination of going into 3 different bookmakers.
I have thankfully spent £* on myself on things I have wanted for a long time, and a few more expensive food stuff i've been too stingy to treat myself to. I bought some supermarket vouchers which means my groceries are paid for the whole month. I have paid £* in bills, leaving me around £* in my pocket. I have thankfully spent the majority of my winnings on good things.

I am hoping I can socialise a bit more this month and meet new people. I haven't much else to do and days off work are a nightmare for gambling.

I cannot wait until payday, I will transfer the majority of my pay packet nto my savings, and I will leave my debit card at a friends house so I won't have access to it.

I hope I don't trigger any people who read this. the truth is that since December 26th I am still with a loss, and lets not go back the previous year where I probably lost around £* in 2018. All of this c**P urges I've had have recently gone back all the way to Christmas so it feels like this chapter is finally closed.

I am disappointed I went back but can't help but feel like I needed that money and i was a great feeling. i think I am screwed but it will be easier for me to stop for a when I am not int he "chasing losses" mode.

Oh god, can't stop fantasising about goingn to the casino and winning big.

I lost £100 yesterday. Didn't lose it all back.

Left my card at home, so that was a good thing.

I'm 100% certain if my self exclusion gets lifted, I will be heading to the casino. I am awaiting the result, but it looks like I won't be let back in.

Payday tomorrow, will transfer the bulk of my pay into savings, to live off peanuts. Same thing every month.

Hi urgh

Thank you for re-joining GamCare and starting another diary. I note that your diary at this point is very pro-active towards writing of your current gambling and desires to gamble, and you mention that you hope the content of your diary 'does not trigger people to gamble'. I am not sure what other forum users will think but we try to keep the focus on recovery talk in the forums. It sounds as if you're stuck in a cycle of chasing losses and finding it difficult to give up the fantasy of gambling being an answer to solve your debts rather than the cause of them. I note that you are particularly vulnerable due to the fact of having an uncertain work situation and I do empathise at the same time as being concerned that this is one of your triggers to continue gambling. Therefore if you are ready at any point to get further help and more advice from us please do contact the free HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and talk to an advisor. We perhaps can help motivate you to strengthen your self exclusion before the financial situation further deteriorates for you. Well done for leavng your card at home and recognising that to change gambling habits requires making other changes such as strenthening social life and addressing the trigger of boredom, and I wish you well in your pursuit of getting out and about and meeting new people.

Warm regards

Leigh

Forum Admin

Thanks for the replies.

Hopefully this bad period this will blow over. The main trigger has been leaving my full time job and the stress of potentially being unemployed, and trying to restart a career path (which I am finding very hard as noone seems to want to employ new trainees unless they are young).

Ideally I would like to stop completely, I am of course always trying to not gamble. I am under no illusions that we can, I know we can't control our gambling, I just try to minimise it as much as possible and be realisstic and realise I will slip up here and there, it is an eventual goal as I have gone 9 months gamble free before. From my worst point I was gambling 5 day a week so I am thankfully a lot improved from that.

Despite having bad gambling issues, I have been able to save a chunk of my salary each month for the past 4 years The problem is that when I do gamble I cover it up with overtime, or by living on a very low budget for myself.

Maybe that is how I justify my relapses subconsciously, because I have never gotten into debt in over 12 years of gambling, but it is problematic as I don't want to gamble AT ALL, and I have empited my bank account at times.

I had counselling last year with gamcare, I still have my notes so I will look back at those. I have also been rewatching some youtube videos on addiction.

The subject of controlled gambling does cause a lot of controversy here on the forum. Some people on the forum are attempting to reduce their gambling gradually, some to maintain a controlled level of gambling, and some feel strongly that the only option is complete abstinence.

All options are up for discussion on this forum, but we do intervene when content about gambling becomes triggering, and where it sounds like a forum user is no longer focusing on recovery, we will draw it to their attention. So, Urgh, thank you for being honest about what you're struggling with right now. Thank you to other forum users for responding with their views.

Deirdre
Forum Admin