fitzys investment in his future = 26.5.14 = lightbulb moment

Fitzy checking in , not been on for little while , been so busy with life in general , believe is 110 days gamble free since joined forum.

Guess in theory should feel great , but I don't I feel s@@t and crappy today.

Really low mood , but tmrw hopefully better day.

Been ok in general recents no real urges , putting myself into excercise and work. Had nice short break with wife in London last week. Can do stuff like that now no gambling part of my life.

New snooker season starts this thurs which I'm team captain.

So lots to look forward to and to be positive about , work ok , family life ok ups and downs like any.

Think my mood swings annoy wife sometimes , am in middle of changing meds as previous ones make too sleepy and currently doing driving lessons( another positive step the non gambling me is taking)

Also been running lot of 5ks which releasing lot of natural chemicals .

Anyway enough of my rambling , hope everyone well and also thanks kind words from anyone that commented on my thread.

I feel better now I've vented and admitted feel totally cr** and useless and deflated.

Tmrw is another day , I'll fight through this day , no gambling for me I assure you.

I will not gamble and will never become complacent, complacency is a killer.

No gambling to report still since started thread , been some tough days recently and I feel very low at moment.

Pretty much suicidal if I'm honest.

Funny thing is I don't feel tempted or even want to gamble at moment.

I was only at it on and off for 2 years but although it may not have damaged me financially , I fear the mental damage it may have done.

I seem to either have big highs or massive , soul destroying , lonely , isolating lows.

I'll fight through it I've good family and some friends , not as many close ones as I'd like , but that my own fault to never letting myself get close to people or opening up.

I struggle to ever express myself or show any emotion verbally , it's like I'm dead inside , I don't even know how. And I was like this before gambling , so don't think gambling caused me to be like this.

I'm still running and trying to be positive , was off work last thurs and fri sick still deciding whether to o back in tmrw.

Think ill will defo go back to drs to reassess medication , m bit of mess at minute but ill fight though it.

I have finance issues nothing to do with gambling some ld debts that dealing with .

So I have relationship , mental , emotional , financial , social issues being able to interact and make conversation and maintain a meaningful relationship , including my wife who I love so much.

Hopefully I'll read back at this post in time in a much better place , emotionally , mentally and every other way.

For now today I have not gambled .

I wish every person writing a diary or who has read my post all the best , we can get through this.

Question

The state I'm in now , did gambling cause this ? Or did it just exaggerated it?

I'm also obsessed with comparing myself to ppl all the time , always same friend and couples perceiving how they so much better than me?

Guess I can answer that question myself , terrible low self esteem.

I will never become complacent

Complacency is a killer

This is my first really raw post I guess in this diary , any feedback good or bad greatfully received.

Just to add I'm really not feeling sorry for myself and sure others in worse or better perceived positions , but this how I feel right now and wish I didn't.

I want to feel and be just normal , normal emotions and interactions , happy go lucky , is this so much to ask for ?

I've got to stop being obsessive with so many things too , I can addicted to anything so easily.

I just basically hate and loathe myself at the moment.

Hopefully as I say I time ill read back on his from a better place , and be million miles from where am now.

Anyway good luck to everyone on their journey , which it certainly is.

Fitzy

Hi Fitzy,

Hope you are feelng more positive this morning.

You are not alone with these feelings I am sure they hit all of us CGs sometimes when in recovery.

I am on 154 days and I still occasionally wake up in the morning and think I have done something awful, it is a dreadful feeling like I had at the end of my last bet.

I can relate to your feelings ! Think I felt them more when I was gambling.

Try and push through them I know it's hard, use all the help you can get, go back to the Doctors, try every avenue available.

We are bound to feel really low at times after the aftermath of gambling just think about the S***e we put our minds and bodies through when playing.

Don't be too hard on yourself you are dong brilliant clocking these days up now.

Keep pushing through,

Sending you positive and strong thoughts

Suzanne xx

Thanks Fitzy

As I just said to bear, after reading jayms post

we are made of glass that can be dropped at any time,

You are doing great, use everything you can to starve it, I spent 3 hrs this morning as I woke up with panic feelings that I had done something awful, we can push through them and we will, it's the way to go forwards ,

Hope you are feeling more positive now.

Suzanne xx

Thanks so much glad you can relate to these feelings , least I'm not on my own.

I will try to be more positive , thank you.

I'm coming off anti depressants after over 10 years so that a battle at moment , but am substituting them for running instead. I'm sick of being emotionally numb and tired because of them. Sure once there out of my system completely ill start to feel better, they horrible to come off after to being on for so long.

In some ways I feel strong and positive as making real positives changes with the running , eating healthier coming off the pills ,so can find myself as forgotten what it's like to be me and who I am not being on meds.

Today I feel possible ok , had a few hopeless low moments.

Funny thing is I'm not struggling on stop gambling or even tempted ! It's actually trying to control my mood and try and stay positive.

Guess that's a positive even when really lowest low and feel suicidal I have no gambling thoughts.

I believe I'm maybe more stronger than what I realise.

Time to believe in myself and be more positive , no one else can do tie for me.

Hope anyone that reads this may help them or resonate , hope everyone ok and gamble free.

Hey Fitzy

A good positive is you are not on your own feeling like this, even non CGs have a big problem with anxiety, I did and that was years before I went down that destructive road of gambling.

If you look at the big picture not one single human being is so called normal we are all unique and life is a challenge for everyone.

You are doing great be proud and keep walking forwards

Suzanne xx

Hi Fitzy

Ty for your words of support. Have read your diary and the issue of self esteem/depression seems to run through a lot of diaries think its a chicken and egg question for a lot of people. No real answer I know but I have the same thoughts. Take care and keep doing what works for you

Cheryl xxx

So ...... im back :(. Thought come back to old diary.Been at it for last 12 months on and off. Determined now to stop. Guess hope some that see my diary and even 5 years without bet . It can get you through combination of complacency and forgetting the pain.So you can never forget and always be on guard. Rereading my diary from 2014 has been eye opening and thereputic and reminded how feeling. Luckily yet again managed to chase and break even over last 12 months similar to last time back in 2014. Feel this last chance saloon , next time I know won’t be lucky. I fully realise from 2014 at fanfare/ga people in better and worse financial and emotional position. But we all have being a cig in common. I’ve accepted that’s what I am. I can’t put bet on , in my 8 years of betting on and off never ends with one.Don’t want to be gambling into my 40s , so going to give it a go to stay stopped. Put the knowledge and advice previously and any other ppl can get help from on forum. 

Good luck to anyone on here fighting this . Don’t recognise anyone yet from last on 6 years ago. But lots of current inspirational ppl who really trying. Just want say you can all do it , learn from me 1,2,3 yrs or whatever. Never got it beat. Keep the blocks. Keep the no access to finances. Don’t forget the pain and pure illogical and evilness and destruction of gambling.

Hi seenthelight2020. Wise words and words that I take very seriously. I never want accesses to our finances again my husband is not mean with money so if I have to stay no cards etc it's a small price for being gamble free. And I intend to keep the blocks on permanently. Back to you I know you've been gambling and want to stop again but how are you doing mentally ?. I've been reading your previous diary some dark thoughts and feelings there. I know for me anxiety/ depression and gambling are like a nasty tag team but I can honestly say that I'm 48days gamble free today and the anxiety is starting to lessen life is brighter

So trying to post once a week at least. Tried to post on couple of other ppl diaries show support. Also helps me to realise if I carry on where this can take me. From reading everyone’s stories on here. At appears fact that never got in debt , and by some miracle  always managed chase and break even. I fully realise I’m no different just plain dumb luck , if I carry it clearly could change to instead of loss win loss win loss win. To loss loss loss loss loss loss loss loss and so on. But what I’m realising although I know have a problem and clearly not under control with my gambling . Fact have got out and withdrawn and put money safe when broke even where couldn’t touch. It’s made such a battle in my mind , as saying well you’ve not really lost have you you could go on winning streak. Then logical says no total opposite could happen. Then there’s all the time lost and relationships affected over last 8 years. You’d think horror stories of debt and misery and losing it all. I’d count myself lucky and reading these stories be enough. But it’s not , so I need to look further into myself . I have all the blocks and 0 access to money cards now . But as hinted by some of long term members . Think to properly recover have to action change in myself. From this selfish self centred individual . Unhealthy , lazy stopped running . Stoped doing anything lost all interest in anything . So yes I’ve lost financially . But I feel have lost in person it turned me into and who am now compared to who used to be . So I don’t feel lucky at all that not financially affected. As everyone says not about money really , that’s counts both ways whether not lost like me or lost everything . I’m no different to person who lost it all ( for now). Realise what could happen , I’m not immune from it happening further down line if don’t knuckle down and change and recovery. Can’t wait to get to another g a meeting when they resume. Need the reality check and to let things out badly . Will look into counselling here I need to accept any help can. Really struggling , but want to keep on here rather than come back again when have lost everything . Sorry for the ramble if anyone read . Your all doing great , thank you for sharing all your stories also. Feel so pulled at min and tempted , glad when in sane moment few weeks ago got rid all cards and any access to any money. Right now , guarantee would gamble it , also got rid of I.d as think would take credit out too which never done . Just such internal battle :(.

light

Need to create and manufacture a change from within . Long term willpower will not be enough.