First 5 days

The absolute number one thing is no gambling, well done.

its massively tough mate but keep going , it will be worthwhile, good luck .

Thank you holycroosser the most important thing to me is no gambling it hit me hard today the argument , I have to remember why I am having counselling and why I am doing this it’s to make me a better person for myself so i felt better about myself . For the first time I am starting to feel happier in myself and everyday it’s to not gambling 

2 months since I last gambled 2 months since I nearly lost everything and now it’s all changed I don’t gamble or have the urge to I am still having  my counselling sessions which have helped so much not only with my gambling problem but my confidence my ability to deal with my anxiety and it’s helped with my relationship that I nearly lost due to gambling this site has helped with just being on here Christmas is coming and the first time I am looking forward to it with out the worry of money loss or how I am  going to explain why I don’t have the money i should have , feeling great and two months no gambling 

It’s been 5 months now no gambling no urges to waste that money in a fruit machine or go on line that’s a big plus to me despite the pressures that have been around ,my mum being diagnosed with a tumour my boss leaving and it all falling on me with in a week and the normal trigger of gambling and hiding. Starting  to feel a lot more confident in my self and looking at changing things that suit me better that benefit me not everyone else realising how much gambling was holding me back . I am thankful for my partner and her support but starting to feel that I have had enough of her selfishness in certain areas where she wants to control everything and now that’s pushing me away , we have a holiday booked that I don’t want to go on and there’s is no longer an engagement ring , part of this is my fault if I hadn’t gambled so much and so recklessly then things may be better but now she needs to realise the more she wants to control things the more she is pushing me away . I spoke about this in my counselling and that I felt overwhelmed by her at times to the point that’s why I gambled at times but now I see the triggers and concisely don’t gamble as don’t want to be like that anymore

Well Sunday my partner finished with me she has had enough of my laziness me not having a relationship with her son well I am devastated but not gambled at that point of being dumped my normal point of call the online gambling but I haven’t six months no gambling for the first time in my life I feel really in control I love my partner to bits she made me a better person in a lot of ways but my gambling hurt her I didn’t see that then but I do now one of her reasons to finish with me she couldn’t get over me lying about my gambling I get that it makes a lot of sense but I don’t gamble now I don’t need to ,the triggers are there but I see them to the point they don’t trigger . I am a better person without the gambling  I don’t miss it instead of the quick win I think of the large loss maybe I should of thought that sooner but that’s hindsight we would all be better if hindsight was able to change things.

as for her kid he is a only child he has  had her for 10 years of his life  to himself he has never had to share her and he won’t like that he won’t know that now but that’s there he will want his mum to his self  why share someone he doesn’t see he should , I get that I am an only child I hated sharing my mum I didn’t live with her but she dated. I hated them all they took her from me as far as I was concerned  even when she bought a house with my step dad and moved me in I didn’t want to share Her I argued said some very nasty things to him yet he persisted he stayed eventual marrying my mum but he always took on me no matter how c**P I was to him he was there he made sure I was ok he made sure I wasn’t left out I was included , when I started gambling he tried to warn me I didn’t listen as my problem got worse he bailed me out he picked up the pieces with my mum he  has always treated me as his son. And I will always be forever greatful when I admitted  I had a problem and thought I lost everything they both made sure I was ok and I haven’t gambled since no urge no wanting to throw that money away instead I put it to what it should have been for my family my well-being I lost a lot when my ex dumped me but will forever be greatful for her calling me out on the gambling 6 months on and no gambling no w hiding myself on line throwing money at a machine for a cheap thrill 

Well 6 months and no gambling loosing the love of my life and being stuck at home because of the corona virus could of sent me down that path again but I haven’t  gambling is what caused me to loose the love of my life I am at rock bottom and I don’t want to gamble there is no way I can or ever want to gamble ever again I lost the best girlfriend I could ever have she was kind loving caring and I hurt her through gambling she was hurt by my lies about money my moodiness through gambling that never left her she supported me so much but couldn’t deal with it anymore I hope she will somehow come back to me but that is a pipe dream , I know now gambling destroyed the best relationship I have ever had. She was everything I ever wanted and her boy was the best kid ever and they got the worst of me thanks to gambling I let it control me and make me moody and miserable if anyone reads this stop gambling look at your loved ones they are what’s important not playing roulette or putting your money in a fruit machine in this time keep your family safe and get help I did it  I stopped but didn’t do enough with that help so make the most of it keep the goal in sight no gambling it’s the only way and remember that you stoped gambling  for yourself  and for your family 

Wow 7 months and still not gambled it’s hard to believe after 17 years of being a compulsive gambler I haven’t in 7 months  I lost the best girlfriend I could possibly had I know I ranted about her in an earlier post but deep down she was the one and I lost a bunch g part of me loosing her and her son In loosing her I could of easily started down that path to gambling and throwing away all that I have achieved but I haven’t  I chose not to gamble this Covid19 lockdown was another push that could of got me gambling again and it hasn’t so I am proud of myself that I haven’t it’s an achievement to me no matter what else I will not go down that path to gambling and loosing my money or another person in my life to gambling. If anyone reads this then you can stop gambling the ability is in side you look around at the people who care about you they are the reason to stop I stoped because I had to because I hurt the woman I love to the point she finished with me because it still hurt her but I won’t let the fact she stood by me go to waste as she is the reason I can hold my head up that I don’t gamble and hurt  myself anymore 

It’s the 1st of May and the start of the 8th month of no gambling in this time I have learnt a lot about myself and the people I love and took for granted the woman I love and have lost due to gambling the step son I lost due to gambling not just throwing the money away on gambling but hiding behind it letting it control me my moods my whole well being gambling made me moody miserable and in truth not a nice person I lost the best girlfriend I think and know is the one and a step son or as I always called him my boy because I let a addiction take over me and not fully take on board how much it controlled me being with out my girl I have gone through hell anxiety has reared it’s ugly head again depression all the things I had when gambling came out harder and brought me to my knees I had counselling which helped and looking back over what the counselling brought me I am re doing all the steps my counselling taught me I started to go over my mistakes all things I can change about me every step I look at the triggers that made me gamble and they don’t anymore the things that made me moody and miserable they are not there any more a boss who used me tried to blame me for all his faults has gone I now look forward to work even more when I can go back I don’t bring home stress from work as there isn’t any as have a new boss who supports and encourages me. I have laid to rest the grief I had for loosing my grandparents grief loss of them made me gamble to hide the pain now I am thankful for the good memories and the joy they brought to me and the faith they had in me . I miss and Love my ex girlfriend more than ever and I miss my boy  never wanted kids but he brought sunshine in to my heart I never knew I had he didn’t get the best in me but if there is ever the chance that boy will get everything I could give him but that’s wishful thinking in honesty I lost the best thing I ever had in my life because of gambling and 17 years of it didn’t give me anything but a selfish attitude and a crappy look of what’s important.

if anyone reads this gambling isn’t the way it doesn’t magically make things better by winning as you always look for the next big win which doesn’t come instead what happens is you risk everything and loose more than you can ever win , if I honestly could talk to my ex I would show I am not the same I have more in me to give for us and I am not the shamefully moody and creature of habit she thinks I am  because I have opened my eyes and see how c**P I was and I don’t want to be like anymore as I have more in me than negativity and I am not defined by my past as a gambler 

Hello Chris1979

Thank you for posting this update. You have been very honest about the pain that gambling has caused you and also about the many ways your life has become better since you stopped. It's so good to hear that many of the stresses you had in your life before are gone, and we hope that treatment has left you in a better place to cope with anything else life may throw at you.

Thank you again for an inspirational post. Keep updating your diary,

Best wishes,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Thanks deidre

i still have anxiety and depression that’s more because of what gambling and all the little parts of this addiction has cost me loosing my girlfriend and step son and her family  has hit me very hard gambling took a lot from me money my relationship it changed my personality it made me moody and miserable but I still have pride that I haven’t gambled in 8 months but I lost a lot more than I have ever gained from gambling I will continue to post on here as someone will hopefully take notice and see what happens when you gamble and have a problem it’s not just you that gets hurt it’s your family it’s your friends  you hurt them till you loose everything I am at rock bottom but I can only go up it’s a struggle there is only one way for me now and that is up , if I could talk to anyone it would be my ex show her I have changed the moodiness the stress it’s gone the willing to fight for what is our family it’s still there but that’s just a pipe dream but if she ever reads this I hope she knows that I have changed.

the last thing I want to say for now if anyone wants to give up gambling it’s hard it’s stressful but do it for you and you  will find a freedom that you didn’t know you had not straight away but you will notice the difference in you that you change slowly but you feel better about your self and all the good parts in you slowly start to come out bring you back to how you should be I just have to get over the anxiety and depression that I have at the moment but  I feel the good in me slowly returning that I had lost due to gambling and may bring me back the things I love and miss every day 

Today I looked hard at myself as I know deep down gambling helped me escape it made me a nasty lying horrible person the more I gambled the more I lost the more I had to hide the worst  part was the lying I hid what I had lost had countless arguments with family with my ex because I was weak and gambled I lost more money that would have given me a much better future would have given me and my ex a lot of breathing space but instead I lost money I hid that I became moody and miserable even more As I always got moody after loosing and that moodiness would last a few days and then I would get depressed and everyone close by me would suffer that was 8 months  ago in that 8 months my depression got worse I let my depression get the better of me i had counselling which helped but the depression And anxiety  Was  still there no where as bad as it was but I still had it I didn’t take into account how much gambling had affected me how much it had control stopping gambling was the easy part the real battle was the emotions that were inside me I let little things become big things I let my emotions take over that didn’t need to all Because of gambling I have lost the two most important people in my life my ex girlfriend and my step son because I didn’t accept that the gambling side affects were still in me moodyness being standoffish laziness because i was hurting inside because of the hurt I caused it’s taken me time to realise all of this I am writing this all on here so that anyone who feels like this inside the pain the stress the depression talk to someone i did I spoke to a counsellor and she helped a lot I just didn’t see the depression and anxiety coming back and get the help again that I should of but I can’t stress enough there is help out there get it gambling is more than just a compulsion it controls you it controls you in a way you didn’t know it could it affects you in every day life to the point it is all you think about this website and it’s forums is a god send it has saved me so much in the sense that I don’t gamble anymore it doesn’t have the control over me it used I don’t feel moody anymore the only reason I have depression and anxiety now is I lost my girlfriend and step son because of how gambling had made me .

I will never gamble again as it cost me to much  and as for me i never be able to thank my ex for all the love and support she gave me through this even till the point she couldn’t be with me anymore  to every one who reads this don’t leave it till it’s to late to give up give up now and look after yourself and the people who love you just hold them close and don’t do what i did and loose them 

Haven’t posted in a while I haven’t gambled I honestly and happily can say that and I feel so much better for that loosing so much to gambling has taught me a lot about myself and now I am changing so much for the better I have out so much more time into myself now and feel 10 times better I still miss and love my ex and her son and I have missed all the little things we did as a family but I don’t miss the old moody miserable me the guy who would sit there and winge I still have anxiety and it’s taken time longer than I thought to get used to it but I am definitely in a better place and I am back to work as the covid restrictions are lifting a little I feel ready and better for the way ahead gambling is definitely not the answer but I have had to loose everything I hold dear and love to see that hopefully in my posts that helps someone find their way out of gambling and move forward 

Wow still no gambling and no urges my anxiety is easing finally and don’t feel as depressed as I used to feel which is a great feeling I wake up at 6am every morning now even if it’s my day off and I feel ready to start the day not how I used to feel dreading the day dreading being me and starting an argument that didn’t need to happen just to hide the fact I gambled , this forum has really changed my life and outlook with the counselling on here and the other members in a couple of posts I moaned about my ex I wasn’t angry with her I was angry at myself for being in this situation for gambling for lying for hurting her and being a miserable person all down to gambling  I put myself here I was the one gambling and even though I moaned about her as I was angry in reality I was angry at myself for putting us in this situation in the first place it’s easy to blame the person you care about the most as you deflect the blame from yourself  but I was the one who gambled and ruined everything .

i recently got some online counselling through the lockdown which helped a lot which has given me more belief in my self and feel better in myself I had one to one counselling which I mentioned in earlier posts which helped but not as much as I would of liked as I thought the counselling would help in other areas as well in my relationship and help with my struggle to build a bond with my ex son but that didn’t happen how I expected even though I asked for help with this i it didn’t happen how I expected and even though I got great help with the gambling and the reason why I gamble those points which were just as important to me didn’t happen. The extra counselling I got during lockdown really helped I talked about everything and it’s amazing how different counselling really picked up on other things and I have better control over my depression and anxiety now still do what my first counsellor said about taking a breath and counting to 10 and then trying again  but now I look at situations different I see all the triggers that started me gambling or would get me gambling and they don’t trigger me now I push myself as I don’t want to be how I was moody miserable and shutting myself off I lost the most important two people in my life because of how I was and I am not going to loose anyone else because of the way I was I can definitely say gambling is the worst thing to happen to me but it’s not going to be the thing that ruins me 

So much happier now I don’t stress about gambling again or worry I will gamble and go through the cycle again or wasting so much money I have started to change in myself a lot I have lost weight and started to take better care of myself my anxiety is low at the moment which is good as it’s not holding me back and I am starting to feel how I used to before the gambling got to much and started to really take over me and control me and then I would get moody miserable and shut myself off its taken time but I am getting there 9months of no gambling  and really appreciate the fact my ex girlfriend called me on my gambling and I no longer gamble I am definitely a new person and starting to have more confidence in myself 

It’s been a long time since I gambled and that was October I lost everything I hold dear to me the love of my life my step son my home all because I gambled and lied and hid it and let it control me and I became a horrible person someone I am not I was horrible to the woman I love still love to  this day I missed out on so much with what was my step son he is an awesome kid and I missed out on so much with him it’s because of her and that awesome little dude  I don’t gamble any more I don’t let gambling or any of the side affects moodiness laziness control me anymore I have no one to blame apart from myself but after 9 months of no gambling i feel better in myself happier I can control my anxiety better and I definitely don’t get moody anymore the one person I would love to see the change is my ex as I would give anything to be with her and my step son and show them I am the guy they first met the guy she fell in love with not the gambling idiot that threw everything away for a fruit machine and chase of a win Rather the guy that  she went on holiday with couldn’t gamble while on holiday and it made all the difference was happy sociable joined in I wasn’t miserable infact how I am now .I am writing this post as I hope anyone who reads this realises that gambling isn’t a quick fix In fact all it does is take everything from you and breaks you Changes you instead look around you look at your family no matter how bad you think it is talk to them get help dont loose everything like I did I am happy because I was at rock bottom and working my way back but with out the two people who I would love to have in my life but I hurt them both to much so have to deal with that but don’t let my failings stop you from getting help I really am better with out gambling