tryagain diary

Hi... so sorry to hear whats happened.

First off, don't do anything daft because of money or lack there of.

I can appreciate where your coming from, cos iv'e been in similar shoes (albeit male shoes size 11) for decades.

I know what it feels like to be feel utterly penniless but trust me, the pain you feel right now will pass, it will pass.

Your ok.

In a few days you will have calmed yourself and will be able to put whats happened into perspective.

Your 32, your still young. If you stop gambling, this time next year your finances will look very different and your outlook will change.

Am guessing its online... Register yourself with Gamstop. It will help you to stop.

Read and write, it helps.

Thoughts are with you 

Posted by: tryagain

I've been battling gambling addictions since I was a teenager, I'm 32 now with not a penny to my name.

I'd manage to save 20k by selling an asset and I've blown it all in the past month, it was supposed to be a deposit for a house. It will take me years to save that.

As a woman, I feel like I'll never be able to afford kids I'm running out of time. I just feel like a total waste of space. I've ruined my partner's future, my future. What a piece of s**t.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear this, I would say you need  some professional assistance as soon as you can, gp/addiction councilor, gamcare representative, ban yourself from all online gambling now if you've not done so already, hand over all your banking to someone trustworthy before you lose anymore , gambling is a devil addiction and requires professional help the same way a heroine user would need, it is that powerful and dangerous, try and hang on in there and talk with your partner and hopefully he will support you, I can relate to how your feeling.

Be strong

Thanks for your kind words.

I blocked myself from online gambling years ago. Even when I make new accounts they eventually get shut down as I've self excluded on so many websites. This time I invested my money, but then learned about trading and of course its just another way of gambling.

Partners says he will look after my accounts. He's offered many times over the years but I've rejected, wanting independence, and feeling perhaps with this latest debacle like I had a chance to make some good trades. I'm an idiot. I just feel like crying.

I've been to gamblers anonymous before when I was at university, but to be honest I couldn't relate as the people there were all middle aged men addicted to betting shops and I felt awkward when I burst out crying. Maybe nowadays it's different and I should try again.  I just feel like this time I've really gone and thrown away my chance at a nice life.

You can't have the luxury of independence of doing your own finances when you have a dangerous addiction and yes trading is the same, it's great your partner is standing by you and I would accept his help for some time to come, don't put youself in any other gambling temptation and communicate any thoughts or temptation with him,gamblers annomous works for some but not everyone and perhaps when things get to a kind of normality try a meeting again but I know how daunting it is to sit in that room and bare your soul to strangers, for me I have support from a professional addiction counceller, which I would highly recommend, see if there are any in your area, gambling of any kind is very complex and the brain plays a huge role in how we have trained it to be  basically you have to work hard at changing thought processes and change your lifestyle a bit is what I have learnt, stay strong and with the right support you can beat it,I can't stress enough how important it is to let your partner look after money, give up your bank cards and stay barred from every bookmaker, you can download blocking technology.

Regards 

Steve 

The only person who can do this is you! I applaud your courage and I hope you are active in getting the help you so much need. 

Dear tryagain,

I am sorry to read you’ve had such a difficult time battling your gambling addiction for so long and this has led to your feelings of low self worth. I wanted you to know that you are not alone in this and there is plenty of support available to help you recover from this. We are concerned with how you are currently feeling, and as many of our Forum Users will report gambling can be an escape from these low feelings.  We would therefore recommend making an appointment with you GP to discuss how you are feeling. 

We would like to support you too and would recommend you call our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or talk to one of our advisers via our NetLine to discuss all the support that is available to you. 

It is great that you’ve tried Gambler’s Anonymous in the past and I’m sorry that at the time this felt awkward to you. There are other options for peer to peer support available too such as Smart Meetings and free 1 to 1 treatment support which one of advisers will be able to refer you to.

You have taken a really positive step forward in seeking support and we would like to ensure you get the support you need. We can help you recover from this but If you do find you are struggling with your feelings and have any further suicidal thoughts please call 111 to get the support and help you need or in an emergency  call 999 or go straight to A&E.  

One of our advisers looks forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin

I posted this in a reply on another thread but sharing it here for an update.

I have just spent  3 hours going through my finances with my partner. He logged into my credit karma/ Experian so everything was out in the open and there was no way of hiding. He has now taken control of everything and I will be given an allowance on Monzo so he can see all my transactions in real time. 

It was shameful and humiliating, but absolutely necessary. He doesn't even seem to be angry with me, and I can't understand it all.

I feel better today but know this battle will continue for a long time. Even as I saw him managing my accounts, changing passwords etc I was thinking of the trades I should have done and imagining scenarios of what my balance would have been if I'd done them. This addiction is part of my personality and will be an ongoing struggle.

Hello tryagain.

Firstly you haven't thrown away your chance at a nice life. You've given yourself one. 

Do you want your partner to be angry or supportive. Embrace the fact that he cares enough to help.

Please give gamblers anonymous another chance when we re open. Be honest with yourself about how you were in the room before and how badly you wanted to be there. I would forget about it being full of middle aged men, it's full of compulsive gamblers, and if you listen long enough you will find others who have been through what you have. Not everyone, but enough to realise that you are not alone. 

I heard a good phrase not long ago that I've taken to paraphrasing and I think it could apply to your time at GA. Consider a GA meeting as a mirror on your life. When you look in the mirror, don't blame the mirror for what you see. Thank the mirror for showing you.

Now, it's not perfect, but for my experience, the effort and work that I put into stopping, all through GA, was reflected in how well I did. 

Good luck to you.

Chris.

Hi chris,

Yes I might give it another chance. I didn't mean to imply that I thought myself better than the people there. But more that I was so different that I felt out of place. I was young then and I think my ability to relate or feel comfortable with others  is much greater now than it was at 20/21.

I can't honestly speak to how much I wanted to be there at the time, but I was at a bottom and it is disappointing  to be there again.

Hi try,

There are some GA groups with "women preferred" designation for the kind of reasons you described, maybe there is such a meeting located close enough for you to get to. I remember thinking early on when attending a GA meeting that it was too far, I didn't relate to the people so much, they were talking about things I didn't gamble on, they weren't like me. When I first joined, I only gambled online, I would never go into a bookies "full of old degenerates wasting their lives, how depressing". That changed after I blocked all of my accounts online (the days before gamstop) and then subsequently fell off. I was then in the bookies, doing the same thing as the other gamblers and still saying the same things about them. Watching them walk through the door holding a wad of notes in their clutches, thinking how stupid they were and that i'd never do or become that. Yet I was doing the exact same thing at the same time. In the grips of this illness, I am a lying, deceitful, hypocrite with no concern for myself, and I can convince myself that my intentions are good.

I don't want to say too much more yet, as I say i'm no expert, only sharing what i'm going through (pretty much at this moment in time). I'm not healed, or trying to suggest that i'm better than you or anyone else. Im starting to see that I made no effort to do the things that I didn't want to do, I made excuses for everything and didn't realise it, put up so many barriers. Nothing is more important to me than recovering from this illness.

Let me know if you wish to talk more, if you want my take on anything. If not me, i'd encourage you to do the same with other people that do say things that you can relate to.

I'll be thinking of you today, and that isn't some empty platitude from me. You can do this. So can I.

-Charlie

Hi Charlie,

Thanks for your message, it means a lot to know there are strangers oit there wishing me the best.  

I relate a lot to what you've said and have done my best to put barriers in place as it's now not possible for me to spend money without my partner knowing.

Today I checked bitcoin prices  online (no  login required) and saw that had I not been emotional my bet would now be profitable. Of course, I'd have probably lost it eventually, and maybe it's better to hand over control now than further down the road when I've got a mortgage on the line. It still hit me in the gut though and I've been thinking of winning scenarios all day so the gambler in me is still very much alive.

I hope you're doing well and also have a good support network around you.

Best,

Tryagain

Hi all, 

Just checking in. I am feeling ok today but still very down about the losses and the impact on my life. 

Yesterday I had urges to check how much bet would be doing if I'd left it in but I resisted. I am still imagining winning scenarios but no urges to do anything at the moment. My primary focus is to save money and be extra frugal and recover from this. 

I still think about what my life would have been without gambling, I started at 17 and have spent close to 75k I'd guess, probably more and have nothing to show for it. I'm behind my peers financially and family wise. 

Although my account says I joined in 2014 I had a look at old posts here and found one from 2010 (I know there were more but they seem to have gone missing) it's been a long struggle and still haven't won. 

I wonder if it's possible to move this post to the journal section? I'd like to post at least once a week and I also feel bad that i gave it such a negative title, I wouldn't want this to trigger anyone. 

Hello tryagain,

As you've suggested, we have moved this thread from the 'Overcoming' section to the 'Recovery diaries' section.  We have edited the title of your thread to change it from 'Feeling suicidal' to 'tryagain diary'.

Feel welcome to call us anytime on the freephone 0808 8020 133 or netline.

Take care,

Adam.

thank you!