Escaping the Alter Ego

Hello foxcub! 

I am so so glad you are ok and now back home. I kept checking your post for updates! 

Like yourself I got into huge amounts of debt and couldn't stop. I told no one and kept plodding on until I knew that my next months wage wouldn't cover all my bills and couldn't take out any more credit. 

Thankfully when I told my partner he was very understanding. He's very strict now with my money and gives me an allowance and has access to all my banking. I've now set up a DMP with stepchange and it's the best thing I've done. 

I've been gamble free for 30 days now! I never thought I would be able to do it but I have...and each day forward is a success. 

I 100% believe that this is it for you now and you've got this. I'm proud of how far you've come already 🙂 

All my love xx 

You show so much courage in what you have done. 

It's my turn this evening.  I have come clean to my girlfriend about my addiction but i have two more lies to uncover to her.

I am not sure how she is going to take it as she is already losing her mind with all of this and can't deal with it.

She wants to go through all my bank statements where everything will be in black and white. I hate the fact that I am destroying my family.

Today I have PERMANENTLY closed my betting account.

Today I signed up to Gamcare self excluded myself from all gaming sites in the UK

Today I will not gamble.

Today I will not lie

Today I will love my children

Tomorrow is another day...

Thank you so much, what kind words of encouragement! 

Well done on 30 days! I know we can both do this. Look forward to following your story too. 

I am trying to focus on how much richer I will feel when I don't spend £1000 in a few hours gambling and have £30 to survive for 3 days. 

I'm so glad your partner supported you too. This is a one chance thing I reckon  so need to give it all I have. 

All the best xxx

@foxclub amazing news about your husband! You have made all the right steps early on. the way you speak tells me you know this time it’s for good. Well done you!! I can honestly say 225 days in and although parts of my journey have been incredibly difficult i  am a better person. Wishing you and your husband all the best. 

Sarah

Above should say 3 weeks, not 3 days.****

thank you Sarah. I appreciate all your encouragement and I hope I can get to where you are.

@Mirabelle90- make sure you tell her everything. This is your chance and it just just another lie at this point but later down the line it could be the final straw that ends it. It's hard but you can do it. I had pawned my engagement ring... doesn't get much worse than that emotionally and I could have gotten away with it but I decided not to. Xxx

Well done.

It saddens me I've made the choice not to tell my partner yet, fair play to you and good luck.Remember this is for life now.

Posted by: holycrosser

Well done.

 

It saddens me I've made the choice not to tell my partner yet, fair play to you and good luck.Remember this is for life now.

Don't be sad @holycrosser.  You've taken action.  Move forward and keep moving forward.

Well done @foxcub.  Don't dwell on the darkest hour, but keep it somewhere in your mind to make sure you never go there again.  Today is day 140 for me.  I never, ever, ever (x1000000) thought that was possible. I see people on here who are 1, 2, 5...10 years GF and its their inspiration that makes us realise it's tough, but possible. 

Keep up the good work all.  Enjoy your gamble free weekend and do something that you wouldnt normally have done when you were gambling. Whilst doing it have a little smile to yourself, however small that thing is. 🙂

I'm now 17 days gamble free and I can't believe the change in me. My skin has started clearing up, I'm back at the gym, I had time to relax at the weekend, I'm recording my gamble free days on the calendar I share with my husband in the kitchen. He even nudged me yesterday to complete Friday and Saturday. I've made a full financial plan to deal with debts and to get some financial stability back. 

Yes, there has been horrendous hurt and heartbreak. Yes, there are disappointments that we can't go on a holiday we had planned or do things we wanted to. Yes it will be very hard and I will need to continue to work very hard. But today it is Monday morning and I feel positive. 

I felt the urge to gamble over the weekend, on Sunday particularly. But instead, I went for a swim and sauna and cooked a huge veggie lasagne from scratch to last a few nights. 

My husband is checking my account every few days, we are talking about everything together, my blocks are watertight.

Monzo bank is amazing and really allows for excellent, detailed budgeting (plus bans gambling transactions of any kind and you have to talk to an advisor and wait 48 hours if you wanted to switch it off). They've also put a note on my account to check with me for any significant cash withdrawals. 

From sorrow to hope. That's what can happen through taking action and being honest (with yourself and others).

tomorrow I have my second counselling session to try to get to the root of my issues.

Good luck all this week. Tiny changes xxxx 

WoW !! .

What a difference in your post's in a couple of weeks Foxcub ? .

So glad that you're feeling more positive and that future plans are looking good , I often want to send those feelings to people when they first arrive here pretty broken and truly wish I could in some way say " This is what life will feel like as soon as you take control " easier said than done but so worth the effort :)) . 

Wishing you well with your continued success . 

I love reading this.

Gives me hope that one say I can get the words out

It's day 20. Payday tomorrow. Almost all going out on trying to pay back what I owe and fix some of the problems. But, I will buy myself a new pair of shoes as I haven't done that in a long, long, long time and I'm wearing the same 2 holy, scuffed pairs on repeat. Cheap, £20 or something. But they represent these new steps and a new life. 

I will go to get my engagement ring back from the pawn shop this weekend. Still can't quite bring myself to face that I did that. It's the worst thing, for me, that I've done because of this addiction. Screw the 10s of thousands, they are gone, for good. But that, that was low doing that. 

I've used an excel spreadsheet to plan out finances And shared this with my husband. 

We are even beginning to plan for the summer and a camping holiday to look forward to. Something to keep us focussed on and looking forward to, even though we can't go the abroad holiday we had planned to. 

Today I feel low again. A grandparent is in hospital, a heart attack. A lot of this is still hitting me hard. 

However, the start of the week was positive. I just need to keep fighting through the demons. Counselling is on Tuesday next week so I will keep my weekend busy until I get to then.

last night a comment from my husband made me feel so depressed. I was going to meet work ones for a drink or two  tomorrow and he said "you can't afford that" - maybe he is right and I just agreed. But I am repaying £20K in a year on the plan I've made (not all of that gambling debt, my car payment including etc) and I've left myself £700-£900 (depending on income as it fluctuates) a month to live on. I feel sort of resentful as I feel like I can't live like that where I can't spend £20 to have a few drinks with work ones once in a while. Maybe I deserve that punishment though, but I just feel like it seems unrealistic to live like that. The money left to live on should easily be enough for fuel, food, and a couple of drinks out or a cheap £12 gig at the weekend. I feel like I need that to get through this. I darent say anything and don't feel deserving of anything. I think I should just stay schtum and suck it up. Punishment, brought on by myself. 

28 days GF. 

I am still having trouble accepting that it was me who did all this. Spent all the night money on gambling. It is surreal.

counselling has been going really well and is helping me to look at the bigger issues that fuelled such an addiction.

things with my husband are good. He is being supportive in the practical way of checking my account etc. He finds it hard to talk openly about anything so I don't think I can ever expect emotional support in any aspect of my life. I keep basking him how he is and trying to reassure him but showing him everything before he has to ask, chatting to him about everything I buy, etc. 

i think I am rebuilding an awareness of the value of money again- I've realised how tight things are going to have to be to repair the damage. The budgeting tool on Monzo is helping an lot. I even have £16 in savings from the rounding up of transactions, it's not a lot but it's a start. 

If your husband's thoughts are along the lines mine were he may well be feeling resentful at the thought of you enjoying yourself while his world has fallen in and he's consumed with worry and responsibility. I'm not saying it's right but IME it's a normal reaction. I can remember fuming upstairs when Mr L had the audacity to enjoy a joke with the kids in the early days. It is of course fine and part of healthy refocusing to spend on things you need and even on the odd night out. The debt is going to be with you for a while. Throwing absolutely everything at it and denying yourself a few treats can lead to renewed thoughts of gambling in itself so IMO it's best to allow a little for it in your budget if you can.

I'd advise against asking him how he's doing.  I don't think I'd have been responsible for my actions if Mr L had played the concerned partner after what he put me through. If your husband wants to talk let him open the conversation and follow his lead on where it goes.

Thank you @aln and @lethe for your responses. 

I will be almost debt free in less than two years (minus car finance which has another 3 years to go- I drive 500 miles a week so car is necessary and not an extravagant one, just reliable and fuel efficient) and my husband will have back the financial gift he gave to me in full and now I will pay my own fees for my masters. I've already repaid him the Money I had not paid into the house bills in April as extra this month. No joint debt and no effect on CR. I had the DMP before I started gambling and have repaid it in full over 6.5years (ends in 6 months). CR will be clear by next May. We don't have any joint finances. I supported him financially a couple of years ago when he wasn't working and paid lots in on my own for our wedding too. I haven't only taken, I have given too, which seems strange but it is true. 

I want things to work with my husband and I will keep focussing on how amazing it is that bye has found a way to give me another chance despite what I did to him and how hideous that was with the lies/deceit.  This is by far not our only issue and he himself recognises that too and has said as much. There's been infidelity on his side in the past (a long time ago and I trust him entirely now), there's also been serious communication difficulties and really very negative actions on his part too. Not as bad as mine, I am no doubt of how awful what I've done is. But still bad things- mocking me when I've cried, telling me I'm pathetic, sighing/rolling eyes/ blanking me when I talk etc. There's far more positive things- he is motivated and hardworking, we have fun, similar interests and outlook on life, he is much more domestic than me etc etc I know deep down he loves me  but he certainly has some issues in regards to his behaviour towards me as well. You know it's not great when your mother in law says 'I thought he was done treating you like this' after a particularly bad outburst at me. 

So we both have stuff to move on from and come to terms with. I hope that we can, I love him so much and want it to work. Being honest has absolutely been the right thing and I know that bad I never ever ever want to go back to that life of Lying and hiding things. It's not me, it WAS me. But I refuse to let it be me again. I feel so much sympathy for him and feel so much guilt about what I've done to him. I don't think I will ever forgive myself and there's no excuse to treat anyone that way. 

Lots of work ahead and big things to address and work on. 

I think this shock of me doing something this terrible has forced both of us to really analyse what needs is going on here in our relationship too. Anyways, that is the bigger picture with the relationship. 

Ive been leaving every lette ron the table for him to see, sending screenshots and handing him my phone to check and accounts. He has every login. I've done everything he has asked. I will continue to be Patient if he needs anything/ snaps/ lashes out- I deserve it all and he has a right to feel all of that. I will do anything I can to make this s**t thing I've done better for him. I'm not perfect and yes I have had a moment where it annoyed me that he was querying £20 on a couple of drinks after work- but I took it on the chin and reflected and knew I had no right to be annoyed- and I didn't go and didnt mention anything or answer back to him. 

Almost a month GF now. It feels good, even with how difficult it's been. I feel I can see the future in the distance and it doesn't seem grey anymore. 

Thanks for all the advice and i really appreciate the hard talking and the opinions from the other side of things Lethe.

You are both so excellent at throwing in great questions that challenge thinking. 

I hope I can start adding more to the forum to support others too one day with more experience and having learned from you all.