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End of the road for marriage and family

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Lost11
(@steve850)

Well today is the start of a very long road to find myself again, after gambling for over twenty years on and off my latest relapse has resulted in divorce and homelessness,on my a*s again thankfully I have not been any where near a bookmaker or gambled online as I’m barred online forever,because of this hideous addiction,thinking of not putting all the measures in place to ever stop me doing this and not being brave enough to tell my wife as I knew divorce would be mentioned and all the heartache of what was coming trying to explain why I done it to any one who is normal is for me impossible,just couldn’t tell her,being out of work and having no sense of actually being in a job again after constant applications and having the pressure of a wife and family who for I will forever love as been through so many life problems and have had some very special times together to look after sent me to the escape of gambling and unhonesty the two go together ,enough is enough,going back to addiction psychology councillor and have to try and rebuild but the guilt and constant thoughts about hurting the people around me has taken me to places in my head that has to be honest scared the hell out of me to not to ever get involved with this dangerous thing ever again,how this creeped up and how my brain behaved to do it is frightening actually,no excuses I’ve done this and will have to forever live with this on my conscience any thoughts and advice going forward would be very much appreciated.

 

This topic was modified 4 months ago 5 times by Lost11
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Topic starter Posted : 21st January 2022 10:18 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @steve850

Thank you for sharing your story on the forum, I hope you receive some advice and support that you will find useful. 

I'm really sorry to hear the impact the gambling has had on your marriage, but I am glad that you have decided to speak to a counsellor for some further support as it sounds like you have been having a tough time. I hope that you find it beneficial for your recovery journey. 

I will include the link for shelter here as you mentioned you had struggled with homelessness, please do reach out to them for some support surrounding that too www.shelter.org.uk. You can also contact them on 0808 800 4444 

Please remember you are certainly not alone with this and have come to the right  place for support, we are available 24 hours a day on our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our live chat. Do get in contact and one of our advisors can talk everything through and look at all of the support available to you.

Wishing you all the best and do keep sharing your journey. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie C.

Forum Admin

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Posted : 21st January 2022 11:37 am
freshprince
(@freshprince)

Sorry to hear. There's no easy way out of this but you'll just need to take it one day at a time. Find something to preoccupy your time, other than gambling. Doesn't have to be anything extravagant or productive, just anything that will take your mind off gambling. Small steps from here.

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Posted : 21st January 2022 2:23 pm
c43h
 c43h
(@c43h)

Good that your coming clean here. Look there is no point in sugar coating this. This illness kills people. For that not to happen you need to set goals. You need to know where you are atm and where you are going. Without a plan you just drift back to gambling so don't dwell on why, decide on where to go instead and start walking. We have been compared to the early prehistoric cavemen and the best hunter gatherers or warriors from that time. Our intensity when in action outdid everyone else in the tribe by yards, but when we didn't, we drifted into autopilot and we still do. We go into autopilot so we can do what we have programed ourselves to do for weeks, months or many years ago. This means actions that fire neurons and dopamine releases that are on stupid levels compared to a non addicted people. If you can imagine a great inflatable ball and then place a pound coin on top. That pound is your conscious mind and the rest is your subconscious mind or your autopilot. Problem is that the subconscious mind is not easily reprogrammed when a habit is formed, so you need to work on that by getting another hobby that you can get yourself more seriously involved in. Many becomes sport fanatics and others become scientologist depending on who comes first. Or you can force your server to start a reprogramming itself by positive affirmations, hypnosis etc. It's a tough sale but your server (subconscious)can definitely do it with time and practise. The most important thing is having the knowledge. If you know what is wrong you can handle the good with the bad in another way and you have to forgive yourself from time to time in this addiction. There is no other choice.

I wish you well. This forum has a lot of good people that will be supportive as we have all been where you are now. 

 

Best

c43h

 

 

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Posted : 21st January 2022 3:05 pm
Lost11
(@steve850)

thank you for your replies and advise, yes it’s the not being to understand how you can behave this way or basically you become two people the person and the compulsive gambler, scary but for me enough is enough and I have to have to put measures in place for it to never happen again and to basically change my life.

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Topic starter Posted : 21st January 2022 6:28 pm
Leweyman
(@leweyman)

Good luck Steve 

    We do anything to finance our addiction, lie cheat steal you name it we become different people completely , believe me I have done it all to those closest to me , especially if you’re unemployed because you’re brain is wired and conditioned to tell you the only way to get through is to gamble and win some money , unfortunately the win is never enough resulting in the inevitable loss  

Am really sorry to hear what it has cost you , but there is a way back I know because I’ve been there , I know it has damaged my relationship with my kids but after 2 and a half years clean I also know there is a sense of understanding and respect coming back now , at my lowest low didn’t feel that was possible , plus the fact I’ve got a few grandkids now and I tell you now I’m the best G*****n grandfather there is I will never let them kids down like I let my own kids down . It’s something I will live with forever but I finally feel like my old self again 

everyone is different and I am no expert but the first thing you need is somewhere to lay you’re head , then find something to occupy you’re time if you’re not working exercise maybe , take any work you can emptying bins cleaning toilets anything to help you get some self respect back and put all the exclusions and bans in place .   
it’s a long road Steve and you will have moments of weakness but that’s where gamstop etc will save you 

you can do it Steve small steps and all that but good luck mate and keep us updated even if you do relapse ,I know I did .

Its never too late to change mate

 

 

 

 

 

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Posted : 22nd January 2022 9:23 pm
Lost11
(@steve850)

Day 15 no gambling to report,no thoughts of gambling,still feelings of extreme sadness of what my family have been through,trying to make time productive, watched daughters football,trying to maintain at least 10,000 steps a day, one day at a time.

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Topic starter Posted : 22nd January 2022 10:27 pm
Lost11
(@steve850)

@leweyman thank you mate,appreciate it,yes determined to finally beat this once and for all, stupid thing was I was gamble free for at least 9 months but being out of work and having the pressures of being a dad and a husband I relapsed,no excuse but been to some very dark places that I have not been too previously with this disease,one day at a time and I will find myself again for sure.

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Topic starter Posted : 22nd January 2022 10:41 pm
Leweyman
(@leweyman)

It never leaves us Steve always there unfortunately but given time you will get yr self respect back I know all those dark places to well but there is light at te end of the tunnel keep posting keep reading yr not alone for some reason people like us are wired differently, you will understand that the only way we win is never to bet at all cos even if we win we have to go back for more of the same buzz

This post was modified 4 months ago by Leweyman
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Posted : 22nd January 2022 10:56 pm
Leweyman
(@leweyman)

Another thing Steve is after a certain amount of time you are willing to talk about it , whereas when you are in the compulsive mode you hide it away nobody knows about yr gambling until it’s too late . Whereas now I talk openly to anyone about it especially the young lads at work etc trying to guide them away from it I don’t tell them exactly what I did but I tell them it completely changed me as a person and made me a deceitful lying so and so etc I think that helps me certainly re inforces the progress I’ve made.  Funny enough I’ve been there 5 years and there is this one bloke who doesn’t say much to anyone , he overheard me talking about it and later he pulled me aside and told me he’s in recovery lost his house marriage and kids , everything , we quite often have a little chat about it between us now which helps us both 

It’s everywhere Steve but it’s not like walking past a J****E or alcoholic in the street you wouldn’t know it because when in the mode we do everything to hide it .  But to my mind it’s the worst addiction of them all 

well done on the last 2 weeks Steve 

This post was modified 4 months ago by Leweyman
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Posted : 22nd January 2022 11:13 pm
Lost11
(@steve850)

I think your totally true there regarding the brain,certainly not normal to use money to gamble to escape reality and to jeopardise everything you tried to build and create over many years,definitely self respect and needing time to find yourself again for sure,will keep posting and thanks again for your support.

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Topic starter Posted : 22nd January 2022 11:24 pm
Lost11
(@steve850)

Day 16 no gambling to report, no thoughts of gambling,keeping up walking long distances which is helping a lot,spent good quality time with my son,meeting with councillor in the morning.

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Topic starter Posted : 24th January 2022 8:05 am
Leweyman
(@leweyman)

Well done steve

Exercise is good as is spending time with yr son 

have you got somewhere to stay /any luck with work?

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Posted : 24th January 2022 7:20 pm
Lost11
(@steve850)

@leweyman Hi mate, yes sticking to exercise daily it does help a lot,also I adore my children although I feel upset I relapsed In difficult times recently, I’m currently staying in family home,yes I have finally a couple of opportunities after four months to go for but it’s so frustrating as it seems to take a lot of time to get in and working these days not like it used to be, just got to keep a positive mind and take one day at a time,thanks again for your support!

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Topic starter Posted : 24th January 2022 9:53 pm
Lost11
(@steve850)

All I can do is keep on trying and with all my determination put this to bed for good..I’m done with it and will never go back,enough is enough.

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Topic starter Posted : 24th January 2022 10:07 pm
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