Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde I feel like this a lot of the time. I try very hard to be a good person but Sometimes times Mr Hyde pops up and i turn into a monster. I hate myself after the Chaos has finished but while I'm in the Chaos i have delusions i will make things right. It never happens. Day 2 gambling free.
So I'm keeping to my a plan so far. GF day 4. I want to simplify my life and deal with things on a daily basis. I know when things get on top of me that's when I become a monster. I've not really thought about causing Myself anymore damage and destruction but I know it can pop it's ugly head up at any time. I got some good blocks in place I don't want to gamble ever again.
Still going strong no gambling day 6. I have been thinking that I need to keep to basics. My Head would play tricks on me saying if I gamble I could sort out all my problems and all my friends and familys problems. That never ever happened. I would cause more problems and heart ache for every one. I have not looked at any football results as this is a big trigger for me and it would just get my head in the wrong place. I need to stay strong and take it one day at a time.
Day 15 GF happy to report. I have a few debts I have to pay. I am paying week by week. I hate having this disease and the way it attacks by Brain. It trys to get me dream about gambling and keeps saying we can change my future. It can change my future for the bad as i have experienced. It trys to say you can help others and feel good Which is Bull. I have believed i could do good but its just mind games. Best thing I can do is keep Gambling free and stopping people worrying about me. Much love to every one and stay gambling free what ever it takes. X
I seem to be replacing Gambling for Drinking which isn't good. I will try to knock drinking on the head as it's just another way to escape. I will try more healthy escapes and deal with my problems more. I will try to find a good balance in life again. More me time, more wife time,more kids time. More of a routine of fitness and eating healthier and not drinking Alcohol as much. Hope all are good. Take care.
Belated welcome to the diaries Dr Jekyll. I sincerely hope that Mr Hyde is causing no problems for you today.
I have been reading through your posts and am impressed by your understanding of what we are up against and respect your proactive efforts to neutralise the urges to gamble by making positive changes to your lifestyle and adopting a more positive and loving attitude to yourself and those around you.
I myself am now well and truly on the road to recovery. Relapsed on several occasions in the past but I now feel more than capable of stopping gambling.
I will stay on the gamble free road and climb the gamble free mountain and when I get to the top I will look around me and be happy.
You are a couple of weeks up ahead of me and that is the way it is going to stay.
I wish you every happiness as you continue on your noble quest.
Thank you Stephen. I'm still on the right path thanks. Day 19 GF but need to cut the drinking out as this is not the right thing to replace Gambling. So Day 1 of not drinking. I know I will be in a better head space if i don't drink and i know that if I do it can and has increased gambling thoughts. I'm not saying I'm an alcholic but I would have a drink on the evening. No more will do me good. Hope all are doing well.
I to was a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I was a very unstable unhealthy person.
My instability caused people around me to feel very unstable .
In time I would understand my emotional triggers.
In time I would understand my highs which I thought were fun were in fact adrenaline rushes.
The anticipations the build up were a bigger buzz that the gambling.
I use to think that I loved gambling and that life was boring.
What did love mean to me before my recovery and what did love mean to me today.
Love today is about having a healthy interaction with a living creature.
Before my recovery I use to react in very unhealthy ways, I was living in such high levels of fear I could not love or be loved.
The walls of fear I built around me were a way or protecting my hurt inner child.
The walls of fear I built around me were sadly stopping me having intimate relationships with other people.
I could not love myself so I was unable to love other people.
I did not respect myself so I was unable to respect other people.