Soon after getting together, my partner and I began using online gambling as a ‘fun’ activity to pass the time.
During our 3 years at uni, we managed to turn what was a bit of ‘fun’, spending maybe £20 a week at most, to a shared problem, often spending hundreds in one night (bearing in mind we were students who had very little to begin with). We used the entirety of both of our student loans, thinking a big win was surely going to come. Then my £1500 overdraft. We both want the best for each other but when it was bad, that went out of the window and we encouraged one another, fooling ourselves into thinking it was just a bit of lighthearted fun. We even had inside jokes and nicknames for the games, it had consumed us.
We managed to stop at this point (probably mid 2019), eventually recognising that this was clearly a real issue for both of us. We managed to stay away from the websites until about a month and a half ago, bored (as I know most of us have been) stuck indoors. Very quickly we’d spent everything we had plus my £2000 overdraft but were (very) lucky and won over £3000, enough to pay back the overdraft plus extra. We said at this point that that was it. This was November 25th. We excluded from every website and are so determined never to go back.
I feel fortunate to have my partner to confide in when I’m feeling low and like I want to find a way to go back and get around the blocks in place, but she is managing really well, much better than me. I won’t go back, I know I won’t, but I’m in a dark place and thinking about it a lot, and she isn’t. That’s why I have come to this website, to feel a little less isolated in these thoughts and read peoples thoughts and stories, people who really understand this struggle. Anyway, I’m taking it one day at a time and I feel positive and confident that I’ve put it behind me, but I’m not naive and I know that I need to put even more in place to stop any possibility of ever going back. I’m so thankful for my partner and I know how fortunate I am that she understands from a firsthand perspective, but I don’t want any gambling-related conversations we have to trigger her too and put her in the dark place that I’m in, so I thought I’ll spend a bit of time on this website to vent my feelings as I want her to stay on track, she’s doing amazingly.
sending well wishes,
El
Thanks Stace,
Some brilliant advice and encouraging words there there so thank you so much! I will definitely try speaking 1 to 1 to an advisor as I haven’t done that yet. I’ve done CBT before but not for gambling so really interested in that, so I really appreciate those suggestions. My partner has access to my bank accounts so that helps with accountability but will look into the bank blocks too. Any extra measures are worth it for sure.
hope you’re doing ok too and I wish you a really happy Christmas and new year.
best wishes,
El
34 days since I last gambled. The urges have subsided, which to be honest, really surprises me considering it consumed my mind for nearly 5 years. I’d made excuses not to register on gamstop for so long, convincing myself that I didn’t need to go that far to quit, that I could do it by ‘simply’ controlling the urges. I proved this theory wrong time and time again, spending hundreds per session. I looked at my bank the other night and saw that in one day in October, I’d spent over £1200. That’s way more than I could afford as a student. I’m the type of person who talks myself out of buying a £12 tshirt, convincing myself I don’t need it. Yet with gambling, it’s like my brain saw it as Monopoly money. Once I registered on gamstop, I felt like I could do anything. It took everything I had to sign up, it really did. Something so easy in theory but yet it felt like the hardest thing in the world. Luckily the only other person who’s account I’d use is my partner, and she registered with gamstop too. I don’t feel as though land based casinos are an issue for me, they never have been, but once we’re back to living our normal lives again, I’ll consider excluding from those too. I live with my parents who are both high risk and so I’ve only left the house for walks since March, haven’t been into a single restaurant or pub. I’m not going to come back to this site until I am either a) struggling and needing to vent or b) hit a brilliant milestone in my recovery such as 6 months GF or 1 year, at which point I’ll update this diary and hopefully inspire others struggling with this insidious addiction. Whichever of the two options comes first, there’s no shame in either of course but as of right now, I’m feeling like I’m in a really good place and having a break from gambling-related discussions feels like the right thing for me personally.
I’m looking forward to reading these entries in the future and hopefully I can look back and feel great pride in my biggest achievement to date.
Important for me to note that I know I’m still early in this journey, and there’s still a good chance I’ll be back if I have urges in the future and need a place to air my thoughts, but as of right now, it feels right to remove myself from this website to focus on work for my masters. Wishing anyone reading this all the best and thanks for stopping by.
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