Diary of a familiar tale

Hi Paulds, you poured a lot of yourself into this one post. you are right it is a familiar tale, but every one of the tales on here are very individual, and this tale is yours to live.

you mentioned no light at the end of the tunnel and no direction, well in my opinion you have just set out in a very clear direction today by making this post, you really want to stop and you are in the right place. I joined on here in spetember and the help and support i have received has contributed to me not having a bet in 127 days. I have wasted 21 years gambling, am currently 24K in debt. i think the best thing i have learned in the 127 days is that the money is gone and i am no longer going to chase after it, i just have to put a long term plan in place to clear it and then move on.

i am certainly a happier more relaxed person now than i was when gambling, i am enjoying life gamble free, being in the real world with my family not stuck in a bookmakers wishing for the big win that will fix everything.

Just take it one day at a time you will get there, keep posting and keep strong.

Pat

Thanks Pat I appreciate your kind words. Congrats on the 127 days, hang in there. Having read your reply I realise that starting this diary is not just a pathetic cry for help but also a step in the right direction. I am not sure what will happen in the future but I realise that I must give it my best shot.

I managed to get to the supermarket and back without going into the bookies so that is definitely a positive. Amusingly when I left the house i realise that with all the anxiety of posting on here for the first time and setting myself up for a fall by advertising my intentions I actually forgot to take my wallet with me meaning I could only buy bits and pieces from the supermarket with the loose change in my back pocket.

At least that loose change didn't end up in the bookies although I think it was sheer laziness of the thought of having to go back home and get my wallet when I would have inevitably lost that drove me past the bookies and onto the supermarket. I suppose a triumph of laziness over addiction is still a victory. No more gambling today is the new aim and lets see what tomorrow brings........

Two words...

SELF EXCLUDE!

It sounds as if getting some blocks in would do you the world of good. I feel so "safe" in my home town and 30 miles around it as I have self excluded myself from every single bookie.

If you have never done it before, it really is a simple process. Just make sure that you don't take any cash or cards with you, just carry some passport sized photos in your pocket. Why not print out some A4 sheets full of them so that you can embark on a self exclusion project.

And trust me, each time that you leave knowing that you can never ever go back will feel good.

All the best.

GT

Hiya Paulds,

GT has give you great advice on self exclusion. I would add that you self exclude from any online accounts if you have any and purchase a blocking software like betfilter or gamblock. Well done in passing by those bookies!

Keep posting and reading, it really does help and importantly, take one day at a time. My best wishes on your recovery.

Delgirl

Thanks for the supportive messages and advice, I have now excluded myself from the online sites although dont have any blocking software yet.

Next stop will be self exclusion from bookies.

Today i feel weak as it is of course Saturday with my traditional football bet now not going to happen!

Football was always a safe bet as i would get more pleasure from losing 20 punds in a day than winning a huge amount on roulette.

Horrible logic I know. I must get through this day, will go and walk in the sun and be around 'safe' people.

Everything seems to be avoiding the problem without really dealing with it, that is still to come I guess.......

Hi paulds

I can relate to you well.

I moved to a place called Newleak about 15 years ago, it was in the middle of nowhere with only 1 bus going in and out a week plus I can't drive.

There was no bookies or amusment arcades there and it was well before I started gambling online.

The funny thing is, the 2 year I lived there, not once did I gamble or miss it, Never even thought of it and I was truly sure I was done with it for good.

Within 2 days of me moving back to a city I was in arcades again!

Now, I also have just joined here and on day 1.

Be stong, and hope you get what you aim.

Tony 🙂

Thanks GT and Delgirl for your sel-exclusion advice, is that right you take passport photos and then as to fill in a form at the desk? It all sounds a bit humiliating, god I am so weak.

Just read your diary Tony and wish you all the best, the non-gambling bit is quite bizarre isn't it? I have spent a whole year without any withdrawal symptoms and yet on a weekend trip back to Blighty, straight off the plan straight into the nearest bookies. Gambling is not something I need in my life but it has such a hold.

Actually feeling physically sick now without gambling and sick and tired at myself.

I know this feeling all too well and it usually comes around when I am not gambling. These periods are usually after I have lost all my wages and have a week until payday and maybe 50p to live on. The days when the t****g stays in the cup so I can make another cup without using another bag. Pathetic days of self-loathing and pity.

It comes as a reality check. When I am gambling I feel as if I am in an unreal place, so detached do I feel that sometimes I win a lot and feel unhappy or even worse I win then lose it all immediately and leave the bookies with part of me thinking that I have actually still won....

Now comes the reality and it is not just the gambling I have to deal with but so much more. The lies, deception, depression, mood swings, thoughts of self-harm, guilt, lack of self-esteem, finanical debts, drinking to forget, ignoring my family and friends. The list seems endless and I feel weak. I know that gambling will not help and will make the situation worse but at least then for a moment i do not have to deal with reality.

I realise I am using this diary as a confession, reading the other diaries really helps as I do not feel so alone.

One by one I will deal with my problems. I have started to look at my debts and they are horrific, I will start to accept payment plans from debt collectors rather than ignore them.

I feel so shaky but must not gamble today, I must be strong, it is not just a small bet on the football, it is throwing away any chance I have of putting my life back together.

Day 3......

So yesterday was horrific but I managed to get through without gambling, even on those sorts of days I need to keep in mind that the overall objective is not to gamble and I managed to achieve it.

Not betting on the football meant I had the well known, what if I win syndrome, I even had the betting slip from earlier in the week in my hand and of course I had to keep checking the results and lo and behold I would have won.

This made me laugh and cry, cry because I am so gripped it is pathetic and laugh because I think it is Gods way of showing me how foolish I am.

I am going to try and deal with the demons one by one as they all seem to gang up on me and attack me when I am weak.

Firstly I will not gamble today, going to do sport not bet on it. I will not gamble today. Today feels like it will be another hour by hour day.

Hi Paul,

Now lets get one thing straight - if you are weak and pathetic, then so are each and every one of us on here. Now you don't want to get lynched for calling us all names do you?

Joking aside, read some posts today from members who are further along their journey, I think you will find this a comfort as we all felt similar emotions on day 1, 2, 3 and 4. To be honest, it is intense at the beginning but it does get much easier.

We are holding your hand through this.

I would also like to point out from your posts that it is clear that you are much stronger than you think. You predicted that you wouldn't make it to the supermarket and back but you did. So what if you didn't have your wallet? we all know a compulsive gambler would bet 10p just to try and get a fix. BUT YOU DIDN'T!

So when you find yourself making mental predictions about what you can, and can't do - remind yourself that your estimates are not always accurate so you can ignore the negative mental chatter.

On the subject of self exclusion - you feel scared when you walk in, but ten feet tall when you walk out. It was the most empowering thing I have done in years. They will deal with it very discreetly I guarantee you - it is bad for business to draw attention to the dark side of gambling.

Take care, and post as much as you need to. Take it one second at a time if you need to!

f x

PS - I recommend Sabine's diary, ex-gambler jeff, Winningpost, or curly's for inspiration and happy endings 🙂

Day 4.....

So here I am in the early hours gamble free for 4 days.

Today was a sport day with so much pleasure gained from playing rather than gambling, I never felt the urge once when I was playing, just passion, exercise and the will to have fun, just wish those feelings were always present.

Not betting on the football killed me this weekend, I know this has to become the norm as it once was over 15 years ago but boy is it going to be difficult to get used to. those last minute goals just dont have the same impact.

Thanks so much Freda for your posts, i took a some time this evening to read through your diary and it was such an inspiration, so honest and clear. i didn't mean to call CG's pathetic and weak, I forgot I would be insulting most of the users on this site! Freda you have reminded me that I am actually quite a self-confident person, unfortunately also with severe bouts of self-loathing. Thanks for the happy ending pointers, it is going to be another long day today so I might need them.....

Just 15 minutes later and I tried to gamble, what is that all about?, an hour reading through inspirational messages and thought I would do a few instant games on the ***** website, thank god they are not accessible and will now close my account, didn't really think that ***** was proper gambling, what a mug.

Then came the urges from deep, lets do it just a few quid, cant really hurt... Came back to post to try and keep my mind off it, time off it, time for bed, hope I don't dream of big wins.......

Well done for not doing it!

We have banned every form of gambling from our house now, even a quid on the lottery or a scratch card we not going to do now because i'm that easily influenced when it comes to this addiction and just the smallest of a bet can set me of wanting more.

Tony 🙂

Hi Paul,

I feel sorry for you reading my looooooong old diary! sounds like you are going through the mill a bit, emotionally.

Gambling dreams are totally normal, try to focus in on the bit where you feel like s**t afterwards!

The intensity of these feelings will lessen in time. Common side effects of withdrawal from gambling in the first few weeks include: anxiety, depression, shaking, nausea, heart palpitations (harmless), IBS, insomnia, anger - I could go on. So be compassionate toward yourself, and realise what a courageous and difficult, but extremely worthwhile thing you are doing. For me, it was at least as hard as giving up smoking.

You are much stronger than you realise, and it sounds like you are doing great : ) don't think too far into the future, just stay within today, even minute by minute if that is what it takes.

You can do this!

f x