Diary 2

Hi Phil :)) 

I don't believe we've ever had any cross word's but just wanted to congratulate you on your honesty , It can take a lot of courage to let something like that out . 

Congratulations also on your continuing gamble free success , 1174 day's makes you fell kinda good doesn't it buddy:)) 

Stay well and stay safe mate 

Alan  

Thanks for the posts. I was actually 7 months sober before I went to AA. I'm still of the opinion that for the "addict" whatever their poison of choice there are various options besides 12-step programs but I decided - not coerced - to go to AA. I still struggle with a lot of the steps but I'm willing to listen and learn at a pace that suits me. 

Just realised that my "recovery" from my gambling problem is now actually longer than the time I was actively gambling. Before I was 40 I'd been in a bookies maybe three times but between 40 and 43 I really got sucked into it. I'm now 47 and haven't gambled on a horse, match, snail race or other forms of gambling such as the Lottery since February 2016 and very rarely think about gambling. I certainly didn't need a spiritual program to stop or (thus far) maintain my commitment to stopping.

I believe gambling compulsively was a consequence of my problem with drinking which began many years ago. I made a lot of crazy decisions when I was an active alcoholic including hundreds of visits to the bookies near pubs I frequented. Several years ago I was willing to accept I had a problem with gambling but not with drinking. I would acknowledge I was a heavy drinker but not accept the label (or as I considered to be a label) alcoholic.

After a dramatic admission to hospital last summer in which I almost died as the consequences of drinking I was told I could never drink alcohol again because my liver cannot process it along with certain foods and beverages. However, it was two months after I was discharged from hospital I first used the word alcoholic with my GP. I kind of think he was waiting or hoping for that to happen.

I'm now coming up to nine months without a drink - my longest period of abstinence since I was a teenager. I realised after six months without a drink that I needed additional support and believe there is a difference between being abstinent and sober - what I refer to "emotional and mental sobriety". I made the decision to go to AA and have continued to attend meetings 3/4 times a week. 

I was never against GA but was unhappy with the heavy-handed approach (probably well-intended) of forum users whose attitude was "go to GA or inevitably you will gamble again". Well I've been to 2 GA meetings in 27 months and haven't gambled again. On the other hand without the support of others in a setting such as AA or SMART Recovery and learning to live with myself without drinking my mental health was shaky and I knew I had to reach out for a life ring.

For me, with almost nine months abstinence and working on my sobriety and a lot of reflection, drinking can bring all sorts of unwanted personality changes - be it drugs, arguments or gambling. So far putting down the drink has been the best decision I've ever made and I truly do know now the meaning of one day at a time.

I was just reading a post about measuring "success" in terms of recovery from gambling addiction. I've not gambled for 3+ years but I don't think that makes me a success as there were other issues I wasn't tackling - specifically alcohol. Drink and gambling went hand in hand but I was able to stop the latter from the day I committed but more or less in complete denial about the former. I'm almost nine months sober but my head is still a bit of a mess - lots of guilt, shame, fear....

Dear @phil72 ,

I appreciate tackling multiple challenging issues and problems at once is a very difficult road at times. Trying to mask over the past is a fairly natural human behaviour. And when we take away the band-aid (whether that was drugs, alcohol, gambling or all these combined) the sore is still there and it only begins to heal. Which can be painful and raw at times. 

However reading from your recent posts it sounds like you have found a new attitude towards it all, a new honesty and a willingness to show vulnerability. This will be scary, painful, disconcerting at times. At other times you will feel a new ability to breathe and be OK with yourself and be accepting of the fact that you are human, you've made mistakes, you are vulnerable and  all you can do is to try your best.

None of this is easy but it is very worth it, you know yourself. So keep working, keep the focus but also make sure you are kind to yourself.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Thank you Eva. I actually thought in the past I'd hit a "rock bottom" but things just got worse particularly with alcohol. I'm not sure if things could get any worse than last year but I'll never say never. I'm coming up to nine months sober and feel pretty good physically compared to when I was admitted to hospital last year. It's certainly been a humbling experience and the impetus I needed to stop drinking. Best wishes, Phil.

It's my wedding anniversary today and I feel great! Many people recovering from addiction are on the same page  - "all" I have to do is make a daily commitment on THIS day to not drink alcohol or gamble. One day at a time. I've got other issues which I'm seeking help with but the golden rule for me is to make that daily commitment and so far it's been working and the rewards are unexpected and amazing. I haven't gambled for over three years, I haven't drunk alcohol for almost nine months. My head is clearer, I feel healthier, I look better, my marriage is solid, my relationships are honest ones, I get on great with my mum and siblings. Like is super with all it's adversity, ups and downs and disappointments.

Happy anniversary Phil :)) 

The unexpected rewards of not not choosing addiction over normality are truly wonderful .

Hope you have a great day my friend and wishing you well .

Alan  

Thanks Alan. I can tell you hand on heart that the transformation in my life is amazing. I would never have believed I could be so happy within myself, be productive and of help to other people. I've worked my b**t off to get "clean" and I can now start to see how wonderful life is without all those monkeys on my back. Yes, I still have issues and feel guilt and shame at times but I'm prepared to deal with adversity without picking up a drink or placing a bet to change the way I feel.

B U T T is not a swearword! 

It is on here Phil as is the colour R  E   D   apparently :)) 

All the best Buddy