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Day 57......  


After a really rough week of arguing with my husband, (shouting/screaming/not listening) it all blew up because we were just making noise and not communicating! Friday he was ready to leave and I was really ready for him to go...... when I sat on my own in our bedroom and actually thought about it......I sobbed like I have never done before! I mean sobbed! Everything just came out of me (it is the weirdest sensation I’ve ever had!) it’s hard to explain, I connected on a deep level with my feelings.... it’s hard to explain but living in a cycle of lies and pretending you’re ok and you are not addicted and all the other bull s&@t you tell yourself daily! I felt FREE! I don’t really know how to put it into words! Anyway I went downstairs, switched off the tv and asked my husband to talk to me, properly talk! I needed him to get everything off his chest because him trying to be calm about it all wasn’t helping because things were being left unsaid! I told him to tell me (even if he thought I didn’t want to hear it or I might be upset!) I need to hear these things, they all help me remember exactly what I am aiming for in recovery! I DO NOT EVER WANT TO MAKE MYSELF OR HUSBAND, MY SOULMATE, MY ROCK EVER FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN EVER! (In case I read this one day in the future.) We have been together and been extremely happy for 18 years roughly before I got sucked into this addiction and it’s only been this last year that we’ve dealt with anything like this! I know for a fact, 100% I love him and i would give my life for him to be happy because I know he would do the exact same thing for me! That’s what it’s about we’re partners in crime, 😄 and that’s what life’s about isn’t it? We’ve decided that it’s detrimental for us a partnership to lay everything down in front of us, say ‘ok this has happened, we know and we accept it, now we’re leaving it right there and we are moving on!’ We owe ourselves and our marriage & our 2 fantastic teenagers that, because if we didn’t do that, what’s the point of the last 18 years or so we’ve been together? I hope this continues to be the frame of mind we’re in, if it is .... happy days! If not we are strong enough as a couple, to deal with it! It’s as simple as that! 
I hope anyone reading this, who is just starting to come to terms with gambling addiction or are living it right now... they feel as strong as I do today, it will not always feel this easy but the more choices you make that are good, the more you feel better about life and quitting gambling! I wish all of you success in getting your lives back!!!! 

jadie xx

Posted : 7th July 2020 10:58 am

Hi jadie hope you're doing ok. Strangely enough lol when I flipped and told him' you go do the shopping will be good for you see how much etc etc everything costs' Guess what he wasn't interested !! So I'll see how it goes next time he's like that I will actually give him a list. I'm not doing it anymore jadie me telling the truth about my gambling has also given me the courage to tell the truth about other stuff as well. The worm is turning !!

Posted : 9th July 2020 11:07 am

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately @charlieboy, it’s like it keeps going round in circles and on Friday we kicked off! Big time! He was saying “I’m going I can’t do this” & I said “I think you should because this isn’t working” all because he’s wages have always been paid into my bank Acc & then he opened his own Acc so I have no access to it! He paid the overdraft off on my Acc but all his wages are now going to his own acc, but when I told him about the gambling we went through the finances and I told him everything we owed etc. I have another bank Acc that I get paid into, tax credit and working tax credits (which he’s never been interested in before! Now thinks the working tax credits are his technically they are paid to him but he earns enough lol) this account instead of being charged for things bouncing, I pay £15 per month and they take whatever I need for bills and pay them as they are due, whatever is left goes onto a debit card. He said if you don’t get charged by this bank, set up d/debits from this account and I’ll pay in whatever to cover my bills etc. So Friday I said I needed to pay my mobile bill and pet insurance, he wouldn’t do it! In the end I told him all the bills can be set up out of his new Acc and he can have the working tax credits! His insurance is a couple of hundred a month as it’s trade insurance which I’ve always paid because he does the bigger bills rent, food shop council tax etc. But because my eldest is leaving school the money I get now, will be cut in half and I won’t have enough to cover hardly any of it but he just kept saying I was being sly. I don’t see why we can’t discuss it without rowing but I’m at the point I told him to shove it up his &£@@ and that I hope his wages keep him warm at night! 😉

Posted : 9th July 2020 1:05 pm
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