Back on here a decade later with a decades worth of gambling baggage with me. Had a torrid time of it that's cumulated in me losing around X in a month. Basically my entire wage after tax.
I've thought I've felt low before but I've bounced back within days. This one really hurts and genuinely feels like rock bottom. It's emotionally and physically traumatic to think I've done it.
That said, I'm not suicidal and I know I have a lot to live for. Great family, career and GF, so all I can do is make the mistake a cheap one and not an expensive one by never gambling again.
It's a long way back this time I know it is, but all I can do it begin the climb and try and find a return to normality.
I have a counselling referral session on Wednesday and have got a decent support network set up, so now it's time to get the job done.
This is day 4 of the rest of my life.
Well done getting to day 4 and for getting support 8 months ago I gambled all my wages without paying the bills and will never forget that feeling sick feeling I wish you all the best in your journey. I installed Gambian in place and also gamstop for maximum amount of time.
Day 5. Will be writing in here every day for at least the next 360 and then take it from there.
Today feels a bit better, the physical pain in my chest has subsided a little, god only knows the long term impact I've had on my physical wellbeing never mind my mental.
Worked out that 20 years gamble free will pay off this mistake, so that's what I'm here to do.
Going to get back into living/eating healthy today as get myself back on track.
Need to fill in my CWNL referral form and also buy a couple of books. I'm going for this one but any additional recommendations will be welcome.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Rewired-Bold-Approach-Addiction-Recovery/dp/1578265657
Need to also work out where I'm getting the 25k I've stolen from friends/family to pay back by the end of the week, which also isn't a nice thought.
Ascot this week, which I'd normally have a go of. Table games are my real addiction and I find Horse Racing fun, but I'm absconding from any gambling or competitions, so that will have to be sacrificed.
Onwards and Upwards.
Well done on day 5 mate. Seeing your posts here also helps me so please do continue as long as you feel necessary.
You’re resetting your brain’s chemistry, teaching it to get that release from other things. It will take time as the bookies have devised their methods to generate maximum dopamine but gradually over time your receptors will become adapted. It’s a long road but think each day you’re further than you were the next day even if you’re not where you want to end up yet.
Im sure I speak for everyone on the forum when I say don’t look back and we’re all backing you.
Well done for getting this far - I'm just starting again after almost a year GF and it is amazing how quickly all the anxiety and physical reactions come flooding back.
I'm taking inspiration from stories in here!
Day 6
Still no resolution to the money problem but the gambling losses are so insurmountably big that I'm not even considering it as an option.
Still feel physically sick about what I've done and I need to never forget this feeling.
Yesterday I looked at the Ascot results and stock markets, which is closer to gambling than I should be at this stage so today I'll go a full day without any gambling interactions.
Have my referral call at 12pm so another important step.
Day 7
Yesterday went by pretty much without event. Didn't look at Horse Racing results or Stock Market but did talk briefly o a family member about gambling, although early on I told him I no longer gamble.
Had my referral call and have my first (this time around) counselling session on 30th June.
Handed over all my financial details to my mum yesterday, she's having to borrow against the house just to get me out of this hole and I'm in around £30k debt as it is, so it really is a dire situation.
Trying to draw the positives by telling myself it's a cheap mistake if I can get my life back. I worked out that if it's the mistake that makes me quit my gambling it will have paid for itself by 2030 based on how much a month I gamble. Today marks 7 days so I'm officially £75 better off than if I'd gambled and 0.18% of the way to break even.
Bit of a strange way to view it but genuinely the only way I can try and move on from the horrors of what I've done.
Day 8
Bookies open now so need to be extra vigilant.
Seeing the GF most of the rest of the week so will have limited opportunities.
Onwards and upwards.
Woop woop loving your positivity keep strong not long until your first counselling session you have got this ?
Day 9
Bit harder to write as i’m with my GF today.
Looked at the football games as id normally have a bet, still getting used to the fact that this is for the rest of my life but will adjust in due course.
Hi @got2be done. I'm 16 days today GF and I understand what you mean about this being for the rest of your life. I can't get my head around yet that I'll never be able to go to a bingo hall again. Hopefully they won't open up again for a while so I can have a bit more time to deal with it !!. Best wishes for your journey forward
you said earlier that's it's a bit harder to write as you're with your girlfriend. Why is it harder? Does she know and wouldn't she be supportive of you having a diary to use to help yourself?
Also why is your mum bailing you out? Why can't you arrange to pay your family back over time?
I ask because all it did when I used my own mum to bail me out was transfer the debt to her and it freed end up my own money again. It was enabling and the only way i stopped was when there was no more help. I had to be responsible and if that took time and most of my money then so be it.
Chris.
you said earlier that's it's a bit harder to write as you're with your girlfriend. Why is it harder? Does she know and wouldn't she be supportive of you having a diary to use to help yourself?
Also why is your mum bailing you out? Why can't you arrange to pay your family back over time?
I ask because all it did when I used my own mum to bail me out was transfer the debt to her and it freed end up my own money again. It was enabling and the only way i stopped was when there was no more help. I had to be responsible and if that took time and most of my money then so be it.
Chris.
Hi Chris,
Both good questions
GF is only a GF of 4 months, so very new and certainly not ready to tell her and won't be for a very long time. She's the first serious GF I've had in the past 10 years and I'm not prepared to throw that away at the moment.
On the debt, you're right but the debt would be mine and not hers. I've actually now borrowed off my uncle, who is a gambler himself and knows the problems. He echoed what you said and said he would lend the money to me and not my mum, so I have £25,000 more debt and about £85,000 total.
Day 11 anyway, and with the threat of money not hanging imminently over me I know I have to be more certain and keep away from temptation.
Day 12.
GF is still staying over so not much free time. Have now managed to cover the hole in my finances but the long road to paying it back begins now.
2.5 years paying £1,650 back as things currently stand. Horrible to think but that's where we are. Will be cheap in the long run if I quit forever.
No real urges to gamble at the minute, although I know vigilance must be maintained.
First counselling session is next week.
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