When you hit the proverbial rock bottom, then it's important to take something from there
And shoot, this of many rock bottoms I've had in the past, this has been the most challenging and still going down and digging at the bottom of this pit and trying to figure what this particular lesson is all about.
Had a biggish day today, jacked my job despite them being supportive of my wobble of late. The over whelming anxiety being the opponent in the opposite corner of the ring at this particular stage.
I've faced a lot in my time and try with all my might to hang on to the cloak of stoicism, yet now I now realise this is the ill ego hanging in my shadow.
Where do i go from here and that's one of the biggest questions I've literally asked my self in the past 30 years ?
It's hard to not look back, correct my self there, it's OK to look back but, shoot I need to stop staring and wondering what / why the f**k did I take the lonely path that has been the direction that I've trodden.
Their is no equation in gambling addiction and money and believe me equations matter
More random thoughts -
I've been in a challenging 6 months and now finally ending a 7 year chapter of my life. A big reason for the massive wobble I'm presently going through.
Yet, this I hope someone takes on board. Its so importantly to talk. I've had the last people I really would of thought possible emphasising in my ' weakness ' and getting it. Its given me strength.
Addiction isn't a weakness but our own personal alert system in telling us something is amiss in our lives
Random No. 3 -
Follow that gut feeling when showing your cards.
Possibly, if not understanding the sentiment an inappropriate statement.
A fine line in being open and keeping things close to your chest
Hey man,...long time no speak
As always random thoughts...love them! Has more meaning than constructed ones!
So what's the plan? How you plan to go forward? For better or worse - change must happen. Be brace, be you, be what you always meant to be!
I got your corner my friend
S&B xx
You've got my corner Sandra, that's cool and I'll also reciprocate that gesture.
Infact, these last few days I've got over whelmed in people offering their corner services. Just goes to show the power of talking.
Despite, leaving my job on Thursday, I've been amazed by the support from the company I only contracted to, albeit seeing out many contracts and this being the first that I've done a runner from.
As the title suggests the crash has been inevitable and now pretty lost and struggling to take the support out there. Which concerns me in thinking that I've not yet hit this particular rock bottom ?
It's a beach in how us addicts handle stress. Guess it's all about the contorted control settings and I know mine is at the wrong end of the spectrum.
Hai ho, decisions to make and reinforce that even though I need to do what I need to do by myself, I can't do it alone.
Hai,
"I can't do this alone" - powerful and very true words there!
Please take the support in any shape and form offered because its paramount to help you start digging yourself outta the hole you find yourself in. Please don't end up like me, pushing everyone away and declining help and ...surprise surprise, ending up so alone and lost with no return ticket. This true hurts as hell to this day.
Life throws highs and lows to all of us. Kinda had to accept this fact after few dummy spats out at fate. Just have to get on with lows and don't stop looking/searching/accepting. Answers are out there, we just tend to walk past them on too many occasions.
Start small....you will end up with big overall picture. Be patient, day at a time is enough.
Right choice today will bring clearer tomorrow.
S&B xx
Back again, literally.
Am trying to understand and hopefully have the tools in place for the next time if/ when it happens in dealing with the recent anxiety wobble for the past few months that I've been experiencing.
Pushed my self and met up with a director from the previous job / company I walked/ ran away from recently. It went well. The Industry I work In making roads in the support of mental health and not just ticking boxes.
If all goes well tomorrow, then I'm finally walking a way from a tough past 7 years of my life, living in a area that I never warmed to or liked, yet strangely despite my dislike becoming a comfort zone. Where I go from there, in truth I haven't a clue as I go back to living out of a bag. A full circle if you like from my youthful days.
Trying to process some upsetting news from this past Saturday, in hearing news of a friends passing, having only talked to him in the morning. Addiction taking the life of someone younger than my self. Very oddly, as I try to process this, I feel my pal left a legacy of sorts, in never to give up. It doesn't sit well with me, but that's part of the grieving process I'm going through is that he gave up.
So, even though my stop button and escapism to my primary addiction of gambling has improved. But, its a lifetime lesson that I need remind myself on a regular basis in combating addiction.
Moral - Identifying and working on core values to combat the addictive mind
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