Chris Diary

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(@chrisd89)
Posts: 2
Topic starter
 

Day 1

After losing my house deposit in the space of a week and a half I’ve finally started to take the first steps to stop this vicious cycle. I’ve told my partner and am now anxiously waiting to see how she responds after talking to her family. I’ve also made enquires about therapy, signed up to a blocker app for gambling and joined here, all many years later than I should.

I’m hoping through this diary I can find positive changes in myself despite everything looking very dark at the moment.

some background to my addiction... I have gambled to varying degrees since the age of 18 and increasingly over the years found myself in bad situations due to gambling. This ranges from creating unsustainable debt through credit cards and payday loans destroying my credit rating and making the idea of saving for anything seem impossible. The worst thing though is the lies to my loved ones which seem easier at the time but ultimately stack up. This has probably contributed to my on and off severe anxiety and moderate depression over the last 5/6 years which I have failed to deal with adequately. 

I thought telling my partner would lift a weight off my shoulders but I currently still feel the dread of not knowing what’s to come. The idea of sharing my experience with friends and family feels like the end of the world and the shame and disappointment they will feel seems unbearable.

Hopefully I can begin to move on with my life and I look forward to becoming part of this community and appreciate the honesty I’ve seen looking through the forum and being able to relate to others that have found themselves in similar situations.

Chris

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 1:17 pm
(@boo-radley)
Posts: 1492
 

Hello Chris.. There are better days ahead... Look forward to more on chat

Boo 

?

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 9:35 pm
(@mark-powell)
Posts: 156
 

Hi Chris

Lovely to meet you last night on chat.

When I confessed all to my wife it was such an upsetting thing to do, I repeatedly encouraged her to take my child and leave me, I explained that I would be commuting to recovery with or without her by my side.

Having to be selfish in your recovery, having been selfish to get to that point, is a very weird concept to get your head around, you require your partner to become the glue in your relationship for a while, whilst you steady the ship between you.

Whatever decision your partner makes it is about commuting to a selfish journey and improving your mental well being now, actions will speak louder than words, and once you both start doing the right things again, you will develop a continuous circle of love between you.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

 

Mark

 
Posted : 2nd March 2020 8:57 am
(@chrisd89)
Posts: 2
Topic starter
 

Day 2

thanks for your kind words Boo and Mark. This site is a very powerful tool that already feels like a safe space to speak freely.

Relieved to have begun the path to escape GA but still struggling with the emotional consequences of ‘coming clean’. 
I’ve made some positive steps today though and started to organise my new life. I’ve contacted a local gambling support group through advise received from gamcare and reached out to a therapist to book an appointment to start dealing with the underlying anxiety and depression. These feel like huge steps, but in reality I know it’s early days. 
One of my triggers I think was the desire to make sport more interesting by having a rooting interest (my knowledge on the Cambodian 2nd division is embarrassingly good). To try to take this away in these early stages I’ve removed my racing and football apps from my phone and even cancelled the sports package on tv.
The idea of not being ‘involved’ in the upcoming Cheltenham festival and not having the Saturday accumulator makes me sad even though I want to be positive about this change but I know this is just one of the many signs of a GA that I feel sorry for myself.

My partner has not taken the news well and I cannot get a good read on exactly how she is feeling or how well she understands what has happened to me and the battle I gave to overcome this. Some of her family have already weighed in with positive and negative input (mostly negative) and this only enhances the feeling of shame I currently have. As Mark mentions I think I understand I need to be selfish to improve but there is always the feeling of letting her down and pretty much all I can think about is trying to make it up to her however I can. Unfortunately this might not be possible soon enough... only time will tell.

One of the main consequences of my recent losses was having to pull out of the chain to buy a new house and I informed all parties today. This needed to be done but has pushed me down further with self hate. Hopefully this will be short term and possible for me to overcome. 
I’ve read some really emotional posts on here and was particularly touched by the situation one member found herself in. However the care shown by members who know basically only a username is nothing short of amazing. I look forward in time to becoming a bigger part in this community and hopefully I’ll feel confident enough in myself to offer advice.  
ive gone on a bit here... bring on day 3!

thanks

Chris

 
Posted : 2nd March 2020 4:03 pm

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