I have started replying to some of the posts on this site. But I must admit, I don't feel comfortable doing so.
I feel the need to write my thoughts down for the person, whose post I'm reading.
But I'm also aware that I am not qualified to give anyone advise. I constantly remind myself that all I can do is share in my experience. Nobody has the right to judge over anyone else.
I'm reading 'A Day at a time' at the moment, which was published by G.A. and it's giving me the strenghth to tackle life day by day.
I'm grateful to be here every day I wake up.
Sometimes I feel I don't deserve to be this happy. Then I call upon my G.A. buddies and now my friends in the forum.
I just want to say 'Thank You' to all who have taken the time to read my story and to reply.
It means a lot.
I went to a different G.A. room last night and found, as always, it helps.
Am a bit confused at the moment.
Relationships, a difficult subject. Why is it, we are never happy with what we have?
Or maybe I'm just not happy with me.??
Oh, I don't know. There is still a lot going on in my head and I can't make head or tales of it.
One minute I'm up on top of the world, the next I'm down in the dumps, but I pretend I'm ok.Why?
Maybe I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment. I think I have to try and identify, what it is exactly that is bugging me and then do something about it.
Ah Well. That's me done for now. I'll try and psot some more later.
I spent years trying to fix or break my relationship in the hope that it would make me feel better. It always looked like the easy option. Change everything around me and not change myself.
It took me years to work out that all I needed to do was enjoy what I had, care for it with the same passion I showed in my gambling and finaly admot that the problems where all about me.
It took me years to do and almost hours to see the out come once I'd done it.
The only problem with my relationship was ME!.
Now I know this is not always the case but the hard thing is to take you out of the problem and see if there is still a problem.
Life for me is now very very good, my relatinship gets better every day and life gives me everything I once looked for in the bottom of a fruit machine.
Take care and see you Sunday.
I thought I share a bit more.
I need to go back a few years.
I grew up with a Dad who is a compulsive gambler, a Mum who is a compulsive buyer, two brothers(older) and 1 sister(younger)
As we were never taught how to deal with money we all ended up in some financial mess at some point in our lives.
Mum and Dad still fiercely deny their problems and I find it hard to argue the point. They are both in their seventies and not too healthy. I'm in the UK and they are in Germany. So I try and exchange niceties over the phone when I speak to them, because there just doesn't seem to be a point in trying to change their outlook now.(I don't think I would succees anyhow)
All of us siblings have had our marriages break up. My oldest brother cheated and is now married to the women he cheated with, my sister was cheated on by her hubby and now lives with someone who she seems to be very happy with.
My middle brother - well - that is a whole story in itself and I think it's time for me to share that. My middle brother is no longer with us. He committed suicide on the 22. October 2000. We we very close, all of us.He was a person who always thought he had to compete with the world. In his younger days he was 'Jack the lad, the Joker of the family' He always had us in stitches. When he married, he changed. His wife's family thought their daughter married beneath her and let my brother know whenever possible. So he worked his b**t off to give her the things her family obviously thought a man should provide for their daughter. Don't get me wrong, I get on well with my sister-in-law. It's her parents I have a problem with. But they have to live with what they've done.
I'm not saying my brother was all good because he wasn't. We all have faults. He could be quite a male chauvinistic pig. But as his younger sister I had no problem telling him that and tell my sister-in-law not to let him boss her around all the time(Strange, because all the advise I gave her, I didn't excercise for myself for nearly 20 years) This is going to be a book by the time I'm done. While writing I remember all sorts of other stuff I need to get rid off.
Back to my brother.
i'm not sure about the details leading up to his death, as I was living in the UK by then.
All I know that the Christmas before his death, we all got together at Mum and Dad's and he didn't look happy then. Him and his wife were planning on going to marriage counselling round about that time. Only problem was, he had met someone else and didn't know what to do. Should he follow his feelings or his sense of responsibility. He became very depressed and suicidal then. He was put on antidepressants but sadly that made matters worse. He moved out of the family home 6 weeks prior to his suicide and lived with my younger sister. He opened up for the first time and we would speak on the phone for hours on end. By that time I didn't understand my brother anymore. I just became very afraid for him. He would talk about his headaches and about how he had asked God for guidance. And that he didn't get any asnwers from God so he would ahve to go and ask him himself.
He had very clear and then very lucid moments. It was dreadful to see. My big strong reliable brother ahd become a mumbling mess and I didn't know how to help him.
4 days before he succeeded he tried to get killed by a train but chickened out and then tried to c*t his wrist.
They put him in hospital to stitch his wrists back up and sort out the damage he did to his tendons. That was on the Wednesday. We drove to Gemany on the Friday and I spent the day with him on the Saturday. And again he was talking the same stuff I;ve already mentioned above. He showed me the hospital church and some bits in a journal which people could write in to 'talk' to God
He was sooo messed up. He kept talking about having to many things on his mind, the constant headaches. And then he said, he'd been thinking - They are so many ways to take your own life. I have asked God for help and he hasn't answered so I have to go and ask him myself. I left Saturday evening totally drained and promised him to come abck the next day to bring him a jacket he was searching for in the hospital.
My Ex wanted to go to a car boot sale the next morning and then meet up with some friends of hi from when we lived there.
A s I did what I was told I never got to see my brother again. At 5.30pm I called my sister's house to see if they wanted us to bring some food back.My Mum answered and screamed down the phone. - Charly is dead, Charly is dead. Come home quickly.
How I drove home I don't know. I can't describe how I felt. It is too awful to recall.
I'm going to have to stop here. I will carry on later.
It was awful to go back to my poor Mum and Dad and see them so very devastated.
Later that day, my oldest brother joined us. He told us that it was him who raised the alarm at the hospital. He went to see Charly at 4.30pm and he wasn't there. The nurses hadn't noticed that he was missing. Stupid thing was, they brought his breakfast which was untouched and they brought his lunch and that was untouched and nobody seemed to twig that-hey here's someone who tried to kill himself and we haven't seen him all day. Once my brother raised the alarm, the hospital called the police. By that time a walker had found him already and the police told the hospital.
My oldest brother went to drive home and actually drove past the playground where my brothe hung himself with the rope of a swing. The area was taped off and Ralf , for some reason knew that this was where it happened. He parked and ran towards the police, explained and then had to identify Charly.
Poor B*****r - all he could say when he got to Mum and Dad's was - " He was so cold"
That evening was the last time, my oldest brother spoke about that day to us.
He had to go for an interview 2 days later and when he came back, all he said was - "How can they think I had something to do with this." I suppose the police has to investigate all other possibilities. They found a note, written on the inside of his cigarrette packet, saying:" I cna't take the responsibility any longer." That's it. That's it!!!!!!
For seven years I have tried to make sense of all this and I know I'll never know why.
It's eating away in me and although I can at least talk about this now without bursting into tears, I miss him every day. I can't really speak to my partner about the way I feel, because he says life is for the living. He has lost both his parents and copes very well. I don't know, maybe I'm just more emotional than him. I can't really explain it.
My Mum, my Dad, my brother, my sister and myself said goodbye to him over a week later at the undertaker's.
That is a day day I'll never forget. He looked so peaceful, but I can still hear my poor Mum breaking down cradling him in her arms saying over and over again: "Come my boy, get up, I take you home, I'll take care of you." Until we near enough dragged/carried her out of the room.
My Mum, to this day can't cope. She tells herself he is somewhere where he can't contact her, but she just can't except that he is dead.
You know guys, I'm glad I started this diary. Just by writing this down makes life just that little bit easier.
All of the above is the reason I chose the name "Charly" for this website.
My brother's real name was Dirk. WHen he was a teenager he had great difficulties remembering girls' names, so he would call them all Charly until they turned it around and gave him the nickname. It stuck right until the end.
Thanks to whoever takes the time to read all this.
Thank you again for sharing your story with us. I'm glad it has helped you in some way, by making things a little easier. Your story has touched me on so many different levels. I can relate to so much of what you have been through with your brother. So similar to my own situation with my sister. I would really like to talk some more one day about our situations. I may try to make it to your GA meeting in Southampton sometime in the future, I have promised Alice that I would go one day.
All the best with everything. Have a great weekend....
Don't know what happened there. Must have pressed the wrong button.
I had a very good weekend. Didn't do much, apart from pottering about the house and talking to my man about all sorts of stuff.
The highlight of my weekend, as always, is my G.A. meeting.
My recovery is going good.
Because there is someone different in the chair every week, you never know what the meeting is going to be like and how much you can take home for yourself.
No different this weekend. Hearing therapies are eye openers and always make me think back to my time of gambling. And then I talked to my man about what I'm thinking and we came up with some great stuff and we were both able to find some healing. Hopefully we can carry on like this. A few weeks back it didn't look so good on the talking front and I became quite depressed. With the help of my G.A. friends I was able to see, that if I wanted to change things then I could, without putting all the importance on me.
Thanks RichB for your marvellous advise. Don't know where things would have ended up otherwise.
So all you guys and girls. Keep sharing. It's the only way we can pick up bits of experience from others to try out in our own lives.
Thanks to all
I'm out of action for a while, so won't be able to post until next Monday.
Have pre-booked some sick leave at work. Am having an Op tomorrow(day surgery) but as I have no internet access at home. I'll post again when I'm back at work.
Y'all keep safe and positive
Thak you for sharing with us, it has inspired me to look back at my own life, something I haven`t been that good at it in teh past..
Reading your story puts a lot into perspective for me..To go through what you have had to go through and loosing your brother and yet you are making your recovery work, if you can then it makes me beleive that I can..
You are strong, determined and have a lot of love inside your heart, qualties that no money in the world could ever buy..
Your brother will be proud of you and who you have become - make sure you are proud of yourself beacause you deserve happiness xx
All My Love