Back to square one

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Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

In 2017 - i gave up gambling and i promised my self i will never return to it. I managed to pay off all my debt and i was clean for 3 years. I relapsed and this time is big and i was gambling online for the 1st time and before i knew it i had several account chasing loses. If i continue it will 100 times worse than last time and i have decide to stop. I was shaking and nervous and spend all my day crying and wonder why why why did i go back after 3 years.. i am now 15k in debt, another 3 and half years of hard work and debt. And today is day 1 … 

 
Posted : 27th June 2021 5:31 am
(@rudge89)
Posts: 33
 

I'm sorry to hear this Adam, main thing is you're back here. You can do this ?

 
Posted : 27th June 2021 11:26 am
Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

Thanks rudge

 I am waiting for day 1 to be over - in the morning I looked at my innocent wife and daughter and I asked myself why why .. I don't know why i went back to gambling after the sorted my life out..  I am really struggling today - looked at my balance, I have done so much damaged this time worst that my first 4 years gambling spell … 

 
Posted : 27th June 2021 2:17 pm
Sam1987
(@sam1987)
Posts: 80
 

I know the feeling oh to well. Get the blocks in place. Start off with gamban and if you can hand over any cards you can deposit online or withdraw to gamble.

I've had some heavy losses since lockdown eased, ive already signed up to gamstop so my go to was arcades £500 jackpots. Over £3k down ive filled out self exclusion forms and gone round them today excluding myself for 12 month. I like you get hit with that feeling of guilt when i look at my family and how selfish I've been and what i could of spent that money on for them and doing family days out etc.

The self loathing kicks in and you ask yourself why and how you allowed it to happen again and wish you could turn back the clock.

Got paid Friday blown nearly a months wages by Sunday.

Wishing you the best of luck in beating this horrible mind f**k of an illness.

 

Sam

 
Posted : 27th June 2021 5:48 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5946
Admin
 

Hi Adamjamal,

Sorry to hear about your relapse. It sounds like you were doing well for a while. Relapse can be a normal part of recovery, I can imagine how upsetting and challenging it must be for you mentally and emotionally right now. Please remember you are not alone. I can see you have already received some peer support and encouragement from forum members on here. 

Understandably you might be feeling completely trapped by your financial situation. Perhaps if you haven't done it already, think about contacting a specialist not for profit debt advice agency such as Stepchange. They can help you deal with your debt in a manageable way.

Should you be in need of any further support with your recovery, please feel free to contact the helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our live chat available from the website  https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/   both of which are open seven days a week, 24 hours a day and where one of our advisers will be able to talk, for as long as you need, and look at all the support available to you.

Take care,

Vanessa

Forum admin

 

 
Posted : 27th June 2021 8:54 pm
Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

Thanks sam and vanessa

Day 2 - I woke up this morning feel sick.  I am at work now hopefully the pain will fade away ..

Cried in my car all the way to work. It will be a hard journey but i am determined more than ever this time...  

 
Posted : 28th June 2021 8:16 am
(@lynett50)
Posts: 6
 

I know how you feel I was there last week.  The sick feeling has passed.. but left with really low mood and a bit of anxiety.. BUT  now I've started to admit I have a problem and has put in steps in place.. I'm starting to feel a bit more in control and less afraid.. hope work has been ok 

 
Posted : 28th June 2021 2:31 pm
Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

thanks lynett50

work has been okay. I was asked if i can work for the next 3 weekends and the answer was yes. I will hopefully pay off alittle bit of the debt with the overtime .. 

I used to hate overtime - now I want it how wierd is that ! 

 
Posted : 28th June 2021 3:17 pm
Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

I wonder how many lives have been ruined tby gambling today. How many ppl committed suicide? How many families are broken! 

I was worries about my health today, My face was num, neck pain and headache - i was thinking what if i have a stroke. Gambling does not just ruin finances but health too…

This post was modified 3 years ago by Adamjamal2014-2017
 
Posted : 28th June 2021 7:15 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

Hi AdamJamal and welcome.

You honestly have to ask yourself if you started from square one. Its not a term I like but if we stay on that analogy many people start from square 25 and think they have the foundations in place. They start from square 25 and think they are returning to square one.

Again its not a snakes and ladders analogy I like because this is a devastatingly powerful addiction that gets into our bones. To call things square one doesnt really express the fear and respect one must show for this addiction.

You need to tell people close and have a monitoring group. A GA meeting would also be enlightening for you.

You need to talk through the gambling session. What did you think was on offer and why were you chasing. What you had in your head is not truly on offer! The odds are that you will give them your money. The drug is in the gambling action and problem gamblers crave it. A common theme is that we wanted our reward and refused to understand why is wasnt happening straight away. its a complex addiction based on a soup of emotions...even happiness can be a trigger because what can go wrong eh?

The addiction knows you and the chinks in your armour. It will wait if it has to because without a proper recovery it knows its day is coming again.

A lot of people think thy have stopped but in the back of their heads they know the weakness and the addiction knows the weakness. It will wait on the basis that it actually creates a comfort zone the door is open to gamble...all options are not closed which is a comforting thought for an addiction and mental illness

With talking it through you should realise that your gambling session made no sense whatsoever. We know the feeling...In the moment you were thinking it made some sense as you experienced the drug flowing round your body. The body creates its own drugs with this addiction

I hope you will reach out for more help and get your money protected. You can never be complacent again and you must face the truth that I am talking about the  reality of gambling

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 3 years ago 2 times by Joydivider
 
Posted : 28th June 2021 7:51 pm
Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

Thanks joydivider,

you are spot on. One of the main things which worries me at the moment is the future. I am confident i will get through this with hard work and commitment but i am scared i don't want to ever go back to gambling its not for me , it’s who i am.  I made a big mistake in 2014 and bigger one in 2021. This time i will do everything . I will set up blocks, GA, open up to a friend etc . What ever it takes - i don't know why i did not do this last time ….

 
Posted : 29th June 2021 6:58 am
(@aliwonton1)
Posts: 106
 

Hey Adam stick in my friend that feeling will pass. I got some bad news and relapsed. I thought a wee coupon for the euros will take my mind of it. Back to chasing my loses etc. Kills you inside big time. I was a year off the gambling. Had all my debt nearly paid off. A. Couple of payments. The movement in my bank was very little. I reckon 6 months till I clear everything off. I know how you feel. It will ease and every day that goes by you will be that better person again.

 
Posted : 29th June 2021 11:49 am
Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

Thank you

I am much better today, I still feel distracted at work, I have been looking for a 2nd part time job to help me deal with my debt but in the current environment there is not much out there .. 

 
Posted : 29th June 2021 5:34 pm
Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

Now my brain is clearing up and I am thinking straight - I am trying to think what made me relapse 

I never forgot the money i lost in my first spell something like £18000, i wanted that money back.. i said to myself why did I break my rules and this must never happen… how pathetic and stupid thinking i can control an addictive behaviour and control a chemical released in my brain and beat a system that is design to take my money !! How arrogant to think i am more clever the the rest .. well here i go - beaten twice by the casino and gambling industry and left to pick up the pieces and deal with my debt.. 

This post was modified 3 years ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 29th June 2021 8:18 pm
Adamjamal2014-2017
(@adamjamal2014-2017)
Posts: 137
Topic starter
 

Day 7

I feel so tired and drained. Sad and upset at my relapse and behaviour.

I have been watching a lot of you tube video. Its so sad how many lifes have been destroyed and lost due to gambling. 

There is no such a thing as a responsible gambling its all a con and anyone who gambles will soon see the harsh reality ... 

 
Posted : 3rd July 2021 7:59 am

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