The last time I posted, I was supposed to be heading to my first GA meeting in the evening of the same day but the devil struck before I got there and I have spent the last 5 days chasing again.
After 85days gambling free, I am back to square one. I had been doing well the last couple of months but I managed to log into an old account that's in my brothers name, my own debit card somehow worked on the account and I have maxed out my overdraft of £5300. Speechless.
Two weeks ago, I was saying to myself that I needed to cancel the stupid overdraft but I thought I might need emergency cash. I have absolutely no idea what's wrong with me, clearly my brain is badly twisted. No idea if I will ever be able to come out of the debt I am in. I work super hard to quickly come out of the mess but I always end up digging another hole.
Now, I will be out of job from next month, redundancy package drafted and will be in the region of £16k. I'm not bothered because I have a fall back job but that money scares the life out of me - losing the lot on gambling. I am just so scared now.
And by the way, the only reason it stopped at £5300 was because I ran out. So I have to get to the pawn shop AGAIN tomorrow to hand in my precious gold necklace for £200.
I am just a piece of s**t
@frogman Had enough yet or do you want to lose everything?
I couldn't seek out help, despite everything I said to myself, until everything had gone. You still have more to lose so now you have a choice. Lose it, come back on here, say the same thing again and finally get the help you want, or just read everything you've written, read all the horror stories that others have been through, and put some blocks in place before. It's no good finding a GA meeting, you have to go. If you can't go, call an adviser on here. If you can't call an adviser, go on the live chat.
To paraphrase the old saying "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got".
Either do something different this time or don't. But know that the outcome is determined by what you do.
Good luck in choosing.
Hi frogman, I'm not surprised or shocked this relapse started to happen a few weeks ago. I noticed your posts went from " I'm never going to do it again " to " it's going to happen at some stage" I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but if you could have got to a GA meeting at the time when things first started to go downhill might of stopped the relapse. Anyway no going backwards with this be proactive and look at what can change, and the fact that you came on here signifies to me that you do want to change. I had a bit of a wobble a week or two back aware that I had an avenue open for potential relapse in the future and that I had deliberately left it open trying to convince myself that I would be able to go to bingo in the future. I talked it through in GA and got the help and support I needed, I closed that door was the right thing to do......who am I trying to kid im an addict !!!! I fully accept that now ,the thought of that open door weighed heavy on me. But going to GA meetings is what made the difference, give it a try frogman you have everything to gain absolutely nothing to lose. No judgement...no trying to explain what it's like to be a compulsive gambler....advice from people who've been there got the t-shirt . Don't give up frogman but you will have to give that money to someone, that is going to be way way too much temptation at the moment. Hope you find a way
I am going for option 2. I am not looking back on what I have done the last few days. I know there's more to lose if I continue. I have now excluded ALL accounts I had access to, 5 years for the lot.
I realised I have been focusing too much on money and my debt. For the first time ever, I have deleted my spreadsheet of how much in total I have lost as a result of gambling, the money is gone. I now want to focus more on myself and my life in general. I can't change the past and as Chris rightly said, my actions now will determine the future. I have placed my last bet. Counselling did not work for me and I will now start the GA.
Nearly a month for me and there are days I don't even think about it. But there are days that I'd love nothing better than to spend the day in the bookies or on-line gambling on the horses. I could win 5 or 6 grand easy or lose 5 or 6 grand easy...........
Its nearly a month and I'm holding on and doing ok. Stick with it pal.........stick with it.
The hardest thing about this forum is watching people heading for a relapse and building up to a relapse in everything they say.
The longer term recovery people can spot the confusion quickly. I understand the confusion because this addiction alters our minds until gamblers dont even know whats real any longer.
The sad thing frogman is that mess is still your comfort zone( yes you still think you can handle losses like that) but there will come a day when nobody is lending ,youve maxed out everything and blown all your life savings and inheritances.
Thats how this progressive illness works and Ive heard some toe curling stories at GA, this forum and elsewhere
Thats a massive overdraft they are allowing and its not actually good for you to have access to that sort of borrowing as an active or tempted gambler. So you have the overdraft, the pawn shop and your wages and the cycle continues until there is no way out
Its going to be a much harder lesson you learn if you dont stop. The day is looming when your bank manager knows and they wont finance a penny...the paradox is that its a good thing when credit ceases for gamblers but a working man needs some sort of credit rating in life.
Someone has got to get tough on you and that should involve the help from people close. I needed the look on my fathers face...the look of bewilderment deep sadness and disappointment...that Why?? and how could you do it to yourself and us look...THATS REALITY THE ADDICTION NEEDS TO FACE.
Im worried that you have more money coming and you need to get that away into safekeeping with somebody else. You are missing the fact that you need help to keep money away from you...you should be on a petrol and sandwich allowance right now but you dont seem to be listening about that
Your addiction is playing with you and you are not on top of it...you are highly addicted and we have told you that your willpower alone is not good enough.
Dont just thank us...get on and follow the advice to get monitored and get your money looked after....you are heading down the route where you will be forced to tell your bank manager you are a gambling addict as you try and negotiate payment plans with everyone.
Please dont let it get to that. I dont think you yet realise what gambling addiction has in store further down the line. Its like we have to reaffirm what a disaster losing that money is as your mind is trying to do a damage limitation exercise. We understand as weve been there and got the t shirt
Who have you told thats close to you??
Nothing changes if nothing really changes.
I dont care if you get miffed with me...its because I care about you...the person that sorted me out the most told me frankly I was playing at it! (under the counter influence of an addiction).
Its that person I thank the most now...not the people that said there there sweetheart and take care.
take it easy and follow the advice!
Thanks very much for being brutally honest. It’s very difficult to disagree with all the points you mentioned.
My life at the moment is complicated so it is difficult not to have some money at hand, I am an employee somewhere and I also use my limited company to do extra work that requires money in and out. My relationship with wife is basically ‘cohabiting parent’. We have two boys that thankfully, we have both agreed should take priority hence the reason why we are still living together. My other family members are miles away and communication is mostly by phone.
I know you may not believe me and you probably shouldn’t but I do not think as though as I can handle these loses. I have already damaged my credit file and it will be 3/4 years before it’s clean again. The overdraft was already in place before I became a compulsive gambler. In the last 2 years, I have taken myself to a place whereby I begged and borrowed to feed. I managed to dig myself out, paid the overdrafts back but I consciously retained access to it which was one mistake and the other being that I knew that old account existed.
I am not letting any emotions in this time, I have always been honest with myself and I know my almost three months gamble free was pure luck. I am going a different route now, I have already done things I dare not in the past. I now have in place all the blocks there ever is. I have torn up my total gambling loss figures and I am not looking back to the past.
I know very well I have more to lose and I have promised myself that will not happen.
I have decided I will seek all the help there is and forget all loses. As Chris said, I cannot change the past.
It’s a huge sum to throw away but I can’t change what I have done.
Thank you for sharing your story and continuing to do so during your most recent relapse. The points above made by JoyDivider echo my sentiments. Keep posting, being honest to yourself and check in day by day. I fully look forward to reading your story and seeing your progress.
Hi frogman, hope you're ok. I think the saddest part about being a really destructive gambler is that the destruction happens in a matter of hours/days but the fallout of it last year's and the mental turmoil a lifetime. You got through 85days on a wing and a prayer now I think you really are ready to address it. As you can see from all these posts, everyone wants to try help you succeed.
Thanks very much for checking up on me. I have a mixed feeling at the moment, one of extreme bitterness of the money lost and resetting the clock and the other, a good feeling as this is actually the first time deep down, this feels very different. As far as I know, I have placed my last bet.