Back from the Brink

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T-Positive
(@t-positive)
Posts: 62
 

Michael,

I've just sat and read your diary from start to finish, and what an inspiration. It's clear the past 3 years are only a quarter or so of your full story, but what a journey you've been on the past 3 years. Massive congratulations on getting to well over 1 year GF. Reading through the past few years of your life has given me a lot of inspiration to do it for myself too - to get those GF days racked up well over a year and to see the debt going down.

Thank you for sharing, please keep it up.

T

 
Posted : 23rd May 2020 3:04 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 443

Another great month and another huge milestone reached. Still no news on the job front, so sitting tight. 

Looking forward to June as another Credit Card gets fully paid, that's 4 so far this year, only 6 left.

 

 
Posted : 31st May 2020 8:28 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 461

Motoring along nicely now. Every month I feel more weight lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in a 10yr battle, I'm able to go about my daily life without a cloud hanging over, and what a wonderful feeling it is.
So far this month, I've found out that my job should be secure - huge relief, I've managed to pay off the 4th credit card (only 6 to go) - huge achievement and also started training and feeling like a 30-something again (I'm nearly 50).
All-in-all, I'm absolutely over the moon with progress. But, once again, can't get complacent because if I do, it could all come crashing down.

 
Posted : 19th June 2020 11:11 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)
Posts: 887
 

@Michael35

Congratulations on the continued improvement and abstinence. I like the fact that you used a diary in the right way, good or bad, happy or sad, day 200 or day 1 again, you kept going and kept trying. No one can ask more than for you to try.

If you don't mind I do have a couple of questions. Do you still attend GA? Have you been honest yet with your OH and if not, what does she think is happening with your wages each month?

Finally, have you looked at working the GA 12 steps program for long term recovery?

Thanks

Chris.

 
Posted : 19th June 2020 1:08 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 500

Thought I’d put a quick update in to mark the occasion. 

Gambling thoughts a distant nightmare, feeling fitter and healthier than I have been for many years, mental health infinitely better. Home life nice and settled.  Job now secure and debts continue to melt away. 

But, my OH is still unaware of my more recent gambling past. I haven’t considered fessing up for a while through fear of upsetting what is currently a very happy and settled household. I need to be a lot further down the recovery path before I rock that particular boat.

 
Posted : 28th July 2020 9:24 pm
lastbinge
(@lastbinge)
Posts: 52
 

Hi Michael,

I read all your diary as i have all your previous diaries. I searched for you when i came back to site as your the person I can relate to most when I read your circumstances. I too would describe myself as a binge gambler-can go months/years gamble free and then boom-commit financial terrorism on myself.

First off, well done on your recent success. I think Gamblock has been a gamechanger in terms of restricting your access to sites.

It seems your struggling with telling your wife and obviously the debts. People advocate full honesty but I can see why your reluctant as it isnt your first revelation as such but rather a relapse which I think our other halfs could be far more unforgiving towards. As for your debt, in a way I wish you would consider the IVA route or something similar (im not an expert) so you didnt have these debts hanging over you but it sounds like your wife has a job that, that this could effect or impact so I understand that. 

I admire your honesty in always coming back to update/admit your mistakes and just hope you and all of us can stay gamble free

 
Posted : 2nd September 2020 6:14 am
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 552

Well, 552 days in, in terms of gambling thoughts, yes, I've had one or two - I always do at the beginning of the football season, but they soon pass. Gamstop is working perfectly.

Things are settled at home and are generally moving in the right direction. Considering the current crisis, we are doing OK. My wife and I are still working and both of my kids are still at college and we're all fit and healthy.

I'm extremely busy at work at the moment, and that's a really good thing. Also trying to do as much part-time work as I can (I have a small on-line job which is a useful 2nd income). Finances are heading in the right direction - I've knocked a third off the CC debt in 18months, another 2yrs for the remaining debt, and debt has reduced every month now for 14 months - all heading in the right direction. I haven't considered and IVA or likewise - I think I can tackle this without resorting to those arrangements and so far it seems to be working.

Just checked the date and it's coming up to the anniversary of that 1st fateful bet - 19th Sept 2008 - 12 years ago. Just £10 which produced a win of £200 or so. Wonder how life would have turned out if that hadn't happened - if I'd woken up in a better mood that day, or went for a walk, or down the pub rather than placing that first bet ? If only I knew the demons about to be unleashed by that first innocuous bet.

I was in my 30's at the time (I hit 50 next year), my daughter was in reception year at school (she's in 6th form college now) and my son in Year 2, he's now an adult. The past 12 years have been hard, but not without some good times and great memories, but when I think about it, it's always been with that "monkey on my back" to varying degrees, Ok - I can forget about it for an hour or 2, but it's always there, everyday, without fail.

I think the issue came from hopelessly overstretching ourselves during the property boom of the time, and the pressure & stress that caused. Ok, we have a nice big house which the family loves, and don't get me wrong, it's a lovely home, but I believe it's been a major factor in my fall into gambling - acquiring it has come at a cost. Strangely I have a re-occurring dream where we're squatting in our old house, the kids are toddlers again and I feel completely free of pressure and stress, at which point I wake up and it's back to the here and now.

Once the mist of the financial struggle subsides, which is 1 or 2 years away now, how will I view the last 10-15 years ? Will I look upon it as a huge life lesson, something that's positively shaped me to appreciate and enjoy life more, or as a wasted, stressful 15years of my life that I'll never get back. I hope that when I'm old and grey, I don't look back at life with too many regrets.

 
Posted : 17th September 2020 11:44 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 557

Just totted up and I've done around 400 hrs of part-time work since March and I've earned around the same amount that I lost in a few hours in a ridiculous losing streak which was the last gambling I ever did 558 days ago. 

The mind boggles now as to how I allowed myself to self-destruct in this way - how was my brain was functioning at that time ? It's very scary that I'm capable of such stupid behaviour.

 

 
Posted : 22nd September 2020 8:24 pm
Gambling_toad
(@gambling_toad)
Posts: 155
 

Hello Michael35, 

Congratulation on over 500 days a great achievement. I read your diary yesterday.

Your diary illustrates to me that you are a very determined and resilient person. I also see myself in the fact that you are thinking about money and debt on a daily basis.

I understand I have been there. You have analysed amounts lost and percentages like a nutty professor but I get it. The trouble with gambling is that yes maybe for 70%  of your life you didn't gamble but it only takes 1% of your time to do massive financial damage. This is what makes gambling so deadly.

Another thing that struck me in your dairy is the amount of stress you must be under. Working two jobs, family, worrying about wife finding out etc etc. Maybe you do need to get financial advice. Maybe downsize your big house? What I have learned and especially since the virus has been around is how little money we need and we get sucked into this rat race. ?

Anyway the stress you are under may have an affect on your health. This is gambling and what it does. We see it in your diary.

If we can stop gambling and relax on our lily pads life can be good. We won't worry about money and life can be good by the pond. So let out a croak and give gambling the leap.

This post was modified 3 years ago by Gambling_toad
 
Posted : 15th October 2020 7:17 am
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 606

Whilst the world is in turmoil, I've been fortunate enough to be able to keep my head down, and keep busy during whole of this the pandemic. It's been hard work, but I'm in a much better place than I was 6 months ago, and infinitely better place than I was 20 months ago. I've also arrived at some significant milestones, for instance, earlier this week I checked and looks like I've paid back everything I wasted on my 3rd (and last) binge which for me, is a significant achievement. All the while, not a single gambling thought (other than reflecting on how stupid I've been). Everything running smoothly.

But, I've had a nagging doubt in my mind that something or someone is about to "P*** on my chips" - a feeling I've had for about the last week.
And today, that gut feeling about something bad about to happen moves 2 steps forward.

First, I learn of further vetting for my wife's job, a role she's been doing for 12months, so why on earth are they vetting her now ? If you've read my diary, you'll know that I've confessed all to my OH many years ago, but since then, I've fallen off the wagon big style a further 2 times, 10 years ago, and most recently 3 years ago. I've been unable to bring myself to confess a 2nd or 3rd time and I've just been getting on with paying off the debt, which I'm tearing through at the moment but I think now might be the time to confess all. She will be upset and angry with me, that's for sure - she may even kick me out and I shudder at that thought.

So that was this afternoon, then 30mins after hearing that, I receive a grim message my employer saying that, having a few months ago telling me my job is safe, they're now looking to get rid of significant number of staff. The redundancy arrangement would probably see me OK for around 4-5 months. So more alarm bells because as a somewhat institutionalised employee, I don't fancy my chances in finding meaningful employment in the outside world, not even in pre-Covid times. The thought of being forced out of the organisation I've given nearly all of my working life to terrifies me.

With 2 teenage kids to support at Uni during the next 2 years (plans of finding work straight from school have been put on hold), so the Uni plans have come out of the blue,  the ability to support them may become a big issue.

I also get this feeling that when things are going well, the sh** usually hits the fan. Doesn't matter how hard you work, something bad is always around the corner and this time is no exception.

I hope in the strongest of terms, that these 2 latest worries wash away leaving a clear 2021 ahead, but from feeling on top of the world, I'm now back to feeling as stressed as hell.

 
Posted : 10th November 2020 7:16 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 669

Ages since I last posted. Can't believe I was so stressed out a few months ago, but, as is often the case, these worries soon wash away. Things have settled right down again, and the recovery continues in earnest. Some big milestones coming up over the next 12 months, and although I know I'll never get years I wasted gambling back, I'll at least feel that I've achieved an element of closure on this whole sorry episode. Finally after 10 years the fog is lifting and the world is looking a better place.

 
Posted : 12th January 2021 9:28 pm
(@rouletteregret)
Posts: 571
 

Michael,

Lovely to read your post and congratulations on your recovery.

I read your previous post and I’m sure that was a stressful time for you but because of your recovery you would have been able to deal with it and move on in a healthy way.

I am 475 days off a bet today and I notice the improvements in my life daily. One of the improvements is to be able to deal with stress or having a bad day without hurting myself i.e. not blowing a fortune on a spinning wheel with a “to hell with it attitude”. We have good and bad days but now we can cope with both in a healthy way.

keep up the good work.

RR

 
Posted : 12th January 2021 10:05 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 686

Well, according to my phone app, it's 4517 days since I placed my first bet, and 686 days since my last. In between, many periods of abstinence including over 3 years without placing a bet until falling off spectacularly during Jul-17. 3 binges during 2009, 2011 and 2017-2019 and a huge sum of cash lost.
However, today, after alot of hard work, I can finally say that I've managed to repair / pay back everything lost during my last binge. Every single penny paid back, and I'm back to where I was in Jul2017.
Binge 2 will be paid off by Jun this year, and probably sometime next year for the 1st binge.
I'm over the moon, and mentally I feel some closure on that last episode.
This continues to gather pace, and every month I feel another weight lifted and another milestone reached.

 
Posted : 31st January 2021 5:41 pm
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 694

My phone app is telling me that I’ve reached another milestone today in that I’ve reached 1,000,000 mins gamble-Free. Considering I was struggling to manage 30mins without logging on and gambling at one stage, this is a major achievement.

 
Posted : 8th February 2021 5:49 am
Michael35
(@michael35)
Posts: 707
Topic starter
 

Day 800

Thought I'd put in a quick note for another milestone met. 800 days now gamble-free. Gambling doesn't enter my thoughts at all now - hasn't done for months, but still living in its aftermath. It gets a little easier every day - I know they'll be a point in time, in the near future when I will be put this 12yr battle to bed once and for all, but I'm not there yet.

 
Posted : 24th May 2021 1:55 pm
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