Back from the Brink

Michael,

Great post to read first thing this morning.

Congratulations on reaching a year gamble free. I’ve read that 3% of compulsive gamblers achieve that which makes you special.

Im sure you’ve worked incredibly hard and overcome many obstacles to be where you are today so well done.

I think i may be a little similar to you. I was never a gambler in my earlier years but as soon as I experienced roulette I was hooked instantly. The daily urges were severe and in action it appeared impossible to stop. Now that Ive stopped I feel capable if staying stopped. Stopping, giving it time and focussing on the benefits of not gambling seem to be enough for me. Long may it continue.

RR

Day 375

Still not sleeping well. Trying not to worry too much about things, but my Dads health and my own job security I know are the things keeping me awake. That’s on top of usual daily battles.

However, with the current world events, I’m now working from home which means at least I can keep a closer eye on my parents - which is a good thing. It’s also nice to have my family all under one roof for once so spending more time with my kids. I’m also to put some more hours into my part-time work which is helping to chip away at that debt mountain.

So trying to remain positive and hoping to come out the other end of this crisis in a much better place. 

Day 377

Another rip-roaring month on the debt repayments this month, and hopefully be followed by an equally successful month next month. At least with staying at home I’m able to get some hours in for my part time on-line work.

Outside of that, having had a year gamble free, I’ve started to get emails from a casino for the first time in a year. Logged on to see if I could self exclude but couldn’t find the option to do so - I guess it’ll be buried somewhere on their website. I need to stop this dead on its tracks.

Day 377

For the first time in 12 long years, I really feel I’m making significant progress. I’ve come further in the last 12 months than in the last 12 years combined.

But I still have significant job security concerns which, in the worst case, blow the wheels off this.

Michael 

fella you have come a massively long way in the past year, and it’s there in black and white.

with regards to the circumstances we all find ourselves in at present fella I believe every single persons life will be changed, effected as a result and I will just say this 

you have found the courage to change the things that you have the ability to bring change to 

use that knowledge to accept that you cannot change the circumstances you simply cannot 

and you will continue to live a life without adding to life’s problems through the act of self destruction and harm

most of all keep adding to those days of continuous abstinence 

with strength and honour 

Duncs

Day 390

Firstly, I continue to have absolutely no gambling thoughts whatsoever.

Anyway, despite the seriousness of the national / worldwide situation, I'm having no problems with lock down. Must be in my nature, but being shut away from the mad, irrational and often idiotic world is great - time to ponder, time to think, time to get my head into those books I've been meaning to read, and to get my head into my work without all of those stupid distractions. I am a loner by nature, preferring my own company - society irritates me at the best of times, but during these times, I'm more irritated than ever  by the actions of others - after all, what can be so difficult about staying at home with a cup of tea ?

That said, my job appears to be safe, at least for the time being, and I've avoided being furloughed for now. I'm also on course this month for another spectacularly good month of debt repayment - on that front, the last 4 months have been nothing short of miraculous - 3 credit cards and an overdraft paid off, and also of chunk of the next card. 

Unlike the majority of the country, things for me are continuing to look very rosy indeed. I'm not counting my blessing because I know this could change

Day 391

Not such a great day today. My wonderful dog took very ill last night which meant an emergency trip to the vets, and an overnight stay. She’s on the mend today, but for a while last night we thought we were losing her.

She’s a middle aged, but generally in very good health, but it was a shock to see her suffering so much.  She’s very much one of the family so we’re praying she pulls through and continues to lead a healthy life for at least a few years yet. She’s perkier today, but may have been a different story had we not got her in to see a vet relatively quickly - which was a nightmare on Good Friday during lockdown ! At least with the current home working we can keep an eye on her all day now.

One thing I’ve realised, particular in the last few years is that you cannot ever take anything for granted. And particularly in the last month or so, family, health and livelihood all brought very much into focus. And that’s where I need focus my energies - I simply can’t do this with the burden of gambling.

Sorry to hear about your dog hope she pulls thought and you keep gamble free in theses difficult time take care.                 
scotty 

Day 405

Things have settled down again - thankfully. Despite everything that is going on in the world at the moment, lockdown has helped me focus without any of the everyday distractions. It’s meant I’ve managed to get through a load of work and I’ve also started training again which I’m already starting to feel the benefits of. 

Also this month sees a significant financial milestone whereby I’m back to pre-latest-binge levels - something that’s taken the last 12months to achieve and a massive achievement. 

I still have long term job security concerns, but at least for the time being I’m being paid.

Michael,

Ive just read all 20 pages of your diary. An excellent read. I think ive only commented once and admittedly I never fully followed your journey. I wish I had.

You are doing a magnificent job in both abstaining from gambling and paying down debt.

Ive taken so much from reading that today.

RR

Day 410

Well, for the time being I still have a job, but ask me again in 6 months and it might be a different story.

Ironic really that this week I’ve reached a significant financial target I’ve been working towards for 10 months, and brought me back to levels pre latest gambling bout, I.e.pre-2017. By the end of this year the targeting being to reach a level pre-2011 bout, and another 2 years to pay the rest off.

To be honest, the battle against my Gambling demons has been the easy part - Gamstop has pretty much eradicated any temptation. Since signing up during Mar-19, I’ve had the odd thought, and 1 evening on and online Blackjack simulator (not for money), which was a bit stupid, but got quickly bored of it.

The main battle has been to pay off the debt I’ve amassed throughout 3 devastating bouts, 2008/9, 2011, 2017/18/19. This is the weight I carry everyday. In 10months, 20% of that weight has been lifted, and the cycle now starts again, aiming to have knocked another 20% off by next Feb.

This is all doable provided I still have a job - which at the moment is dubious to say the least, and in the current economic climate, a job loss could be devastating.

Very uncertain and worrying times, but at least I’m still working with head over water for time being which I have to be thankful for.

Day 416

Well 416 days gamble free, and around £16K CC debt shifted in around 10 months - another £46K to go. A long way to go, but currently flying through it - credit rating slowly improving and hopefully some 0% deals will start presenting themselves in the next few months to take the edge of the higher interest credit cards. Steam-rolling the debt bit-by-bit - hard work, but results are starting to show and I feel that I'm finally putting things right.

However ... since lockdown, I've started to tire and feel my motivation slowly ebbing away. My training as stalled and I'm procrastinating too much. No gambling thoughts though, and I'm certainly not even contemplating that path. But another concerning email from work, and I think nervousness over job security is weighing me down, more so at a sub-conscious level. The thought that I've finally started putting the financial mess right, really for the first time in 12 years to be undone by a potential job loss through something completely out of my control doesn't bear thinking about. Personally, I don't think it'll come to that, but I suspect I may have to take a pay cut, which would not anywhere as bad. Anyway, for the time being, I'm still working, and hoping for some positive news over the coming weeks.

Day 428

Time is flying by these days without a 2nd thought. From little steps in the first few months of recovery, I’m now taking huge strides to recover what was lost. Every month brings another significant milestone met, which adds to my motivation to achieve the next target. From that, self-respect, mood and overall well-being is improving month-by-month. I know where I want to get to - I’m not there yet.

It’s been a huge challenge, but the achievement to date has been better than I ever thought possible. 

I read your last 5 pages, was very interesting and later i will read the full story.  

Time is gone and you are on the good way. 

Hope you'll feel better soon

Day 434

I'm continuing to set myself targets and goals which is keeping me well motivated at the moment. Other than the GF days which are just flying by now, with each milestone reached, I feel another weight lifted. I've achieved more in the past year than what I'd done in the previous 12 years combined. Looking forward to another significant milestone achieved next week. Yes, things are definitely looking up at the moment.