Back from the Brink

Day 242

Gambling thoughts pop into my mind at the weekend. First thoughts like these for a very long time. However, without the blocks in place, I think I may have succumb. Anyway, decided (quite stupidly) to have a go on one of the slots on freeplay - incidently it's one of the slots I spent (and lost), so much time and money. I was really really hoping I'd lose alot of pretend money, but instead I hit the jackpot .... about a year's salary won in around 10mins (be it pretend money). Having played this game for real money in the past, and for many many hours, I cannot ever once actually winning on this scale - not even 1/1000th, and yet after 10mins of freeplay, I hit ridiculous wins. It's crazy really to think that these are actually fair, and you can bet your bottom dollar, the second that pretend money became real money, it would be lose, lose, lose. Guess that's draws the unsuspecting punter in ... but I'm older and wiser now.

Anyway, staying clear of the freeplay in future. Lesson learnt.

Day 245

I've gambled for around 12 years, which has included long periods of abstinence. I've always managed to meet payments on debt etc. and managed to keep on top of things. I've kept this from my partner through fear of recrimination - I've confessed 10years ago, and she gave me a second chance, but I was not sure whether she would do this for a 2nd time.
At the moment, I'm 8 months GF, however, she has been given a fairly major promotion at work after many years of hard work.
The type of job that it is means that she is going through a fairly in-depth vetting process, which includes a Credit check, and alot of questions around current debt levels.
I don't think I have any option now but to disclose the financial mess I'm in - about the CC debt, and there's a good chance it'll mean that she will not pass vetting and lose the job she has been working so hard to get for all of these years. Bearing in mind, they are vetting on her financial situation (not mine) amongst other things, although I'm financially linked to her so I may have to disclose this.
I almost resigned to the fact that I will have to tell her, jeopardising her job. I've let her down so, so much.
Unhappy, scared, worried, you name it ... next time I write here, our marriage and relationship might be over.

Hi Michael

I hope everything goes as well as it can for you with this. That worry of when or if our gambling secrets will come back to confront us is just one extra issue to deal with. It is difficult to argue against being 100% honesty about your gambling with your family but sometimes life is not that black and white.  

Good luck and make sure this does not allow you to divert any attention away from  remaining gamble free.

Muststop123

My OH is out shopping for a few hours at least - forgot about that, and I feel exhausted. Remember feeling like this the day before I confessed all nearly 11 years ago - Feb 13th 2009. I strayed a few times in the early years, before binging early 2011 which is when I joined Gamcare. 1000’s of diary entries later, all of those efforts at remaining GF, paying off the debt, never once uttering a word to anyone, except to my Gamcare friends. Now, for once in a very long time, I genuinely think I’m making very positive headway - 8 months GF, and with steadily reducing debt, and this will continue. Question is, with this complicated vetting procedure for my OH’s new job, a one that she’s worked so hard at getting, overcoming a number of other candidates, I don’t know whether my past, and current debt levels will screw up her chances. It’s dubious whether she’ll forgive me for (a) Gambling again, (b) Getting us into so much debt and (c) Destroying her promotion opportunities.

I’m struggling to stay awake, shivering and feeling c**P and as I write this, and I know my OH won’t be back for a few hours yet. Desperately need to sleep but almost resigned to telling her everything. Our home is settled at the moment and relationships are great - this will no doubt completely destroy that. I am so so sorry for what I’ve done.

Hi  Michael35,

Sounds like you are going through a difficult time.  Please do get in touch with the helpline 0808 8020 133 if you need support and remember the support is there for your partner too.

Kind Regards

Forum Admin

Hi,

I hope everything works out for you

Best

Awoke after a solid 11hrs sleep - can only vaguely remember OH coming in last night. She gave me a kiss before leaving for work this morning as I was still snoozing - might be the last for a very long time. A million scenarios have been played out in my mind - how will she react, will my kids (one whose now an adult) understand or even speak to me ? How will my elderly parents, who helped me out all those years ago, take it ? 

I’ve even put some clothes in a bag and shoved them in the boot because I don’t know where I’ll be sleeping tonight. We’re both in tonight, so opportunity to tell then - £50K of CC debt will be hard to take, my only saving grace will be that I’m on top of it (already about £10k shifted this year), I’m 8-9 mths GF, I’m self excluded from everywhere and I’ve joined Gamstop. At least I’m showing that I’m doing something about it, but I fear that this will not be enough.

You are on the right track, please remember that. Whatever happens, please make sure that you remain on the right track. 

I am in the same position as you. I told all around a decade ago but I cannot bring myself to tell all again for many reasons. 

That said, I am also on the right track. The new decade is just around the corner and I am really positive that it will be a really good decade for both of us, whatever happens this evening.

No matter what happens this evening, you will have had a massive weight lifted off your mind. Massive.

And that can only be a good thing.

Stay strong, eh?

NT

Day 246

NT - your words mean so much, and although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, it's kind of comforting to know that I'm not alone with these struggles, and doesn't matter how bad I feel, there's someone somewhere fighting the same battles as me.

Anyway, spoke to my wife this afternoon, and forgot that she was out again tonight. I bought her and my daughter tickets for a show that she was looking forward to seeing a fair few months ago. By the time I was back in from work, she'd already left - texts and photos of the theatre, no doubt loving her night out and thanking me so much for the tickets.

She's also out again tommorrow Xmas shopping again with my daughter, and tommorrow night we're out at a party. I can't avoid this for ever, but picking a good time to talk about it is very hard, and it's is crucifying not knowing how she will react.

I know she loves me to bits and I've only ever tried to support her in whatever she does. We've seen and experienced together some tragedies together in the last few years, far, far worse than any gambling addiction or credit card debt, which I've allured to in previous posts, and does to an extent put my situation into perspective - bad, but at least I'm still able to put it right.

This thing with my wife's work which has very stringent vetting procedures, delving into all areas is scaring the life out of me. I haven't given consent that they run checks against me, but what happens if the find out about my gambling past, and debts I've accrued because of it ? Telling her or not telling her doesn't change a thing about this, but it's information that I might have to disclose voluntarily anyway. Its an awful situation.

Anyway, although I don't want to put this off much longer, it might, at this rate, have to wait until Sunday.

Day 247

Woke up to a happy, settled house. My kids, laughing and carrying on, wife off to town for some Christmas shopping. Both kids out the house, on my own again so very fearful about what I might unleash. 

We’ve been married 22yrs now, and whatever has happened around us, we’ve remained strong throughout. That strength of relationship I hope will get us through. I’ve been trying to imagine how I’d react if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was my wife confessing to me. I think I’d probably show compassion and understanding but I’m looking through the eyes of someone who has experienced that pain already.

Picking a good time to confess is difficult, because unlike last time, I’m gamble free and gradually paying off debt. I would have preferred to wait a few more months until the debt was lower, but I don’t think I have any option. 

Im trying best to enjoy possibly my last day of piece and tranquility before I confess all.

Day 248
Almost a milestone reached. Something at least to be proud of. 
Had a nice evening last night, lots of old friends and faces to catch up with. The last few days have been massively worrying, but perversely has made me realise how fortunate I am. Everyone in the house are settled and content, everyone getting along, all is happy.
This makes it all the more difficult for me to drop the bombshell. Also, the trigger for all of this, my wife’s strict vetting for her new job, no longer requires me to disclose anything (including debts) - that’s what she’s told me anyway. They’re all under my own name, so my wife’s file will at least be mostly clear of them. Although I have not given consent, would they be able to check anyway (?) I’m thinking. 
Oh this is so tough - I’m keeping this from my wife because I’m afraid that she’ll leave me, and destroy a wonderful household. What will my kids, or my elderly parents make of it all ?
I’m playing out all manor of scenarios in my mind. The debts are under control, I think, no payments missed, and extra put in each month. Could be paid in 2 years.
Would I want her to confess to me if she was in the this situation ? Of course, yes, but I'm looking at from the perspective of someone whose living with it day in day out, would she be as understanding - I couldn't blame her if she didn't.
Really tough at the moment.

Dear Michael35,

We are glad that you are able to share on the forum and receive support for your situation. You are really making headway and you are appreciating the things that are going well in your life. Lovely to hear.

Opening up to loved ones can feel daunting.  We hope you are able to find the right time and the words to talk to your wife. Sometimes people even write a letter to express their feelings. You are also welcome to call us on the helpline  0808 8020 133 or via our netline to talk it through with us before you speak to your wife, or even rehearse what you might want to say to her. We are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Take care of yourself,

Fiona 

Forum Admin

Thanks Fiona ... I’m very tempted to call Gamcare - I’ve been a member here for nearly 9 yrs, so it’s about time I gave you a call !

Anyway ... no surprise ... bottled it again - just couldn’t bring myself to shatter the happy home and took the easy way out. Spent the weekend convincing myself that being gamble free and meeting debt payments reasonably comfortably each month, and barring expensive months over Xmas, should be able to overpay the rest of the year, is reason for me to feel positive enough to carry on doing what I’m doing. Why shouldn’t it be (?) ... “keeping it to myself” is something I’ve been doing for 8yrs ... I’m used to it.

In terms of the thing that’s sparked this panic off, personal Credit searches for my OH’s new job - I haven’t provided any written consent for my file to be searched, and I can see no searches on either of my Credit files. Checked my Credit scores, Equifax is rated “Good”, Experian rated “Fair”.

I’ve also read that they’re these types of searches are looking more for warning signs such as missed payments, maxed out CC’s, IVA’s, bankruptcies and CCJ’s. Clean as a whistle on that score.

So nothing to disclose, no consent to check credit files provided, £50k CC but nothing to show that it’s not being managed properly. Not sure whether this is cause for me to stop worrying as much, or whether my mind isn’t functioning properly and I’ve convinced myself that there won’t be an issue.

My idea was that I wanted to tell my OH when I was far enough down the road, 12 months at least into recovery (I’m 4 months off) and debt levels to less than 40k (again, achievable by March ... just).

I’ll be keeping a close eye on my credit file in the next week or so.

Day 247

Feeling in a number crunching mood today.

Thought this was going to be Day 250 ... miscalculated by 3 days ... oops. Doesn’t really matter, still an achievement.

Also worked out that this is now my 3rd longest period of abstinence in the last 9 years. Also, since joining this site, 3096 days ago, I’ve had 2734 GF days, so hardly an on-going day-to-day issue. Problem is, the other 361 days which have been the problem, losing £100-£120 per gamble day, £400 on average, per month. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle at all, but I know others who would easily waste this amount of money each month on going out , luxury items etc.

What it all boils down is that I’m trying to convince myself that things aren’t so bad as they seem.

A busy and fairly productive day at work. If nothing else, the developments of the past week have been a massive reality check. But I have 247 GF days now, and CC debts down by £13K in 10 months (they were 63K in Jan) - this shows some significant progress, and the one thing to hang onto. 4 months from now, 365 GF days, and CC debts down a further 8K. An even better place. I very much would like to talk to my OH about this; our 21yr marriage is, I believe, strong enough to survive, but don't think the time is right quite yet. I need to demonstrate that I'm serious about recovery, and that the debts are well under control. That said, this may be taken completely out of my hands if I'm required to devulge financial information for my wife's new job - I'll cross that bridge if I have to - so far, nothing has been mentioned.

I'm really hating all this, and if I could turn the clock back 11yrs, 20th Sept 2008 to be precise, I would have sat my wife down and talked to her about the stress and strain, of being the "breadwinner" when we've completely overstretched ourselves in buying our dream home, and the concerns I had at the time about facing redundancy at work.

I firmly believe that this was the trigger that started it all, stupid pride preventing me from admitting that we'd bitten off too much. 20th September was the day I worked through £20 on 50p BJ hands, with a £20 guaranteed cashback - easy money. Win, win, win then big loss a few days later (£700 which I could not afford), initially trying to win it back, then losing big again, slowly getting sucked into this addiction. A temporary stress relief bubble which I retired into time and time again. This was 2008, when credit was easy to come by, slowly maxing out Credit Cards, getting deeper and deeper into trouble. Stopped 6 months later and confessed all. My OH, whilst angry, stood by me. I was unable to cover even min payments, but with some help, started to get back on my feet.

I stayed clear for 2 yrs, then from nowhere, binged again for 5 months early 2011. Now into the 3rd year of pay freezes at work, and worries about job losses again, and sick of constantly trying to pay off my debts, I dabbled again, trying to at least win something back, but again, small win was followed by the inevitable big loss. Frustrated about all of the hard work of the previous 2 yrs being thrown away, try to win it back. Stopped 5 months later May-2011 - this time, I didn't confess - this is when I joined Gamcare. Then started a long-term period of abstinence, punctuate by the odd wobble. Finally getting somewhere, until Jul-2017, although CC's were still very high and I Wanted to accelerate the debt repayments - saw some article on Matched Betting which looked pretty lucrative. Not having had a bet for nearly 4 yrs, I naively thought I was cured. Initially, the system appeared to be working, however after a few months I succumbed, with some big losses once more. Again, started to dig myself into another hole. Matched Betting profits time and again being wiped out by stupid gambling losses. This cycle lasted for 18months, not so much as a "binge" this time, but smaller losses over a longer period of time.

Finally stopped and joined Gamstop this year, and once again, I'm trying to repair the financial damage caused. This time is different, I can service the debt fairly comfortably now, and although a few years off, I can see the momentous day when I'm finally CC debt free. This will take time and patience but I have no other option.

I'm setting myself little targets at the moment - for instance, I'm aiming to pay off my first credit card by the end of Feb-20, then the 2nd one by May-20. Both achievable targets if I stay focussed and work hard.

Anyway, last Thursday, I was feeling 0/10, today, probably a 1-2/10. Lets see what tomorrow brings.