Back 10 years later

I feel a lot of shame returning after so long, and the truth is I have been battling it for the whole time. I was gamble-free for over a year, and another time for 6 months are CBT and hypnotherapy. 

I started a diary 3 years ago which didn't really help me to stop but gave me an outlet like I was venting to someone. The grammar is questionable, and I have edited the places, family names, and other details, so it doesn't read very well, but it may help someone. Here I am, 17 years after first signing up here with exactly the same sickness, 15k debt, a little heavier, a little older and a few more secrets. I stopped for a year. I need something that is going to keep me on that path. I returned to my gambling after the first lockdown when the bookies reopened, not sure why them reopening triggered me as I didn't go into them for a year before Covid, but it's happened, and I'm hoping to end the cycle again.

I remember reading diaries on here over 10 years ago, and they helped me, so here goes:

21st January 2018 - A year after quitting, I have come full circle, and life is passing me by. 15 years gambling, and it only brings me hurt. My little boy needs me. I need to do this for him. 'Daddy doesn't want to play' he said to me this morning. I was wasting time sat on my phone when I could be playing with him. I watched a year of British murder in TV, and it made me think how short life is. I cried while looking at photos of my little boy. He has to be enough to stop now. I was thinking of suicide today and how I could never, but I want it to stop.

23rd January - Walked into a betting shop, gambled and won, so cleared both cards. 3 Scottish games, and the slimmest odds, to try and clear the high-interest loan I have. Lost.

25^th - Laid at the weekend and only had a small return. Feel drained. Put money on losers.
3pm - Another bet, this time to win. Won, so I got all my money back.

31^st - Feel happier. Been busy at work, so less betting. Still have some of my winnings from the last bet that won.
4pm - Gambled, won. Gambled, and lost again. I'm done.

1st Feb - yesterday, wasted some more money. I had a bet on which won, which I will go and collect. Put money into a machine and played. Put bets on for the weekend.
1pm - went into a betting shop and wasted more money. Some of this from my last win plus more from my card. I still have money on bets for the weekend.
7pm - really am wondering how I get myself out of this financial mess. £20,500 on loans & credit cards now. The only way is up from here. If Liverpool wins the league, I'll get some back to clear some of this.

4th Feb - A loss last night, and that was from the weekend bets. Was stopping, but gambled again tonight. Have to stop, or I'll max everything for the whole month. Lost both bets, and Liverpool drew. Won't win the promotion bet at this rate. I'm done.

5^th - Woke up this morning after having a horrible dream that *** had found someone else. Change of life now. Can't ruin my life. My little boy loves me too much.
9am - took some money out to go into the bookies, but luckily, it was closed. I have the money in my pocket, and I'm worried I'll just go and waste it.

7th - A win last night, so up a small amount. Put more bets on, and more money wasted. Put what was left on my credit card onto a last-chance bet. If it doesn't come in, I'll have to get a payday loan. Feels serious, and I'm trying to find a way to dig myself out of this mess.
10pm - Needed 2 bets I've placed to win. I've maxed everything. Only have enough to pay the holiday money. Have to get a payday loan now. A year after getting in so deep and having my sister bail me out. Tonight, Man City go level on points after playing Everton. Liverpool has a game in hand, but the writing is on the wall knowing my luck. 12 games left.

10th - Gambled on a machine on Friday and gambled again today. Really s******g myself up for months to come. Had to postpone the holiday payment.
10pm - Barca drew ap no wins. Endlessly wasting money, life, and future.

11th Feb - gambled again, and lost again. Just can't catch a break. Have NO money and no idea what I'm going to do for the next few months. Feeling so emotional. What am I doing to my little boy? Just sat in the car park crying. I am at rock bottom yet again.
6pm - feeling v positive. May or may not get the loan I applied for, but I can just about cope in the next 2 months if not. I have to make this happen. So many failed attempts, but I can't feel again like I did today.

12th Feb 2018 - feeling good. Going to go into work today and read some Gamcare forums.

16th Feb - opened an online account and deposited some money. I have 2 payday loans as well. Am stuffed unless I win.
Update: 10pm - Won a bet and then lost it all again. Put more money on and lost.

17th Feb - Lost again last night. I am out of my mind with worry. I have two payday loans due and have to pay for the holiday as well. I simply don't have enough to cover it. I have applied everywhere, and everywhere rejects me. I want to come clean to my wife, but it will be the last straw. She will wash her hands of me.
Update: 13:00. Loan company lent me a sum to be repaid over six months. So even more to repay now. Hopefully, I'll get a pay rise this month, which will give me some disposable, which is doable. Going to try and get some money together somehow and pay it back, but safe for now.

18th Feb - I have no idea what's going to stop me. It's a disease. Put another bet on this morning. I just don't know what to do.
3pm - I won the bet, amazingly. Will invest some of this and pay in the rest so I can pay stuff.

19^th - Another loss. Gambled again, and so, basically, undid the bet I won yesterday. So painful when I lose now. It gives me a physical reaction. Got to stop.
16:00 - lost again. Just poured heart out to my sister again, and she's going to pay the holiday balance so I can handle clearing the payday loan. It stops now. Am in such a mess. Will be okay, and I can cope in the next few months. My sister will be paid off by August, and my other loan will be paid by December freeing me up some money each month to clear my credit cards.

21st - gambled some of the money my sister had given me, and then more this morning. Lost both. Considering getting a payday loan and putting more on. It would really mess me up. Not going to. I read my Gamcare posts from 2006 yesterday. What a harrowing read. I am in a worse position than I was in 14 years ago.

22nd Feb - It's been a month since I was in tears and a month since I started this diary. Got a payday loan today and put 3 bets on. I know l will lose them all. What's going to make me stop?
10pm - lost all 3 as predicted. I am already in the red next month without fuel and living. Mess. I have had a few beers, so I have a better attitude about it. Not sure what I will do, but it will be fine.
11pm - lying awake thinking how I am financially going to get through the next couple of months.

23^rd - woke up positive that I can beat this. I know I can't win, but I am sick, so it's never about that. Applied for a credit card so I don't have to get a payday loan.

25^th - Applied for a credit card to get me through the next few months. Got accepted. Very positive right now. I'm going to spend as little as I can and climb out of this mess. This morning, my son was very cute and made me think about how much I'd like a little sister for him. He would be a good big brother.

26^th - Big slip-up. Wasted money on bets and machine. Will try and move on from this.
6pm - picked my son up from nursery. On a big downer. Feel so awful. Worked out what extra I will have in December per month, and I will be in £10,500 in loans. I haven't completely ruined my life at this point. I was feeling so positive. All I need is a few days to get back to feeling positive, and I can beat it.

28^th Feb - 4th March - I got paid. Put the money I have for the month on the line and lost. Payday loan and the credit card to get me through the month now. How many times am I stopping?

5th March - Got my credit card. Used it to get money out and lost the card. Have to order a new one, so left me with no money for 7 - 10 days. Had to get another payday loan. Lost money on ridiculous results yet again. Every bet I have touched lately has lost. Nothing has hit, and it's always, always, always one result. I would be thousands up over the last few weeks had it been for a single result in the treble bets. Have to stop now. No choice
4pm - Poured my heart out to my sister again, and she has lent me the money needed to pay off the payday loans. This feels like the very last chance. I have to focus on December and paying two of the loans off. I have to focus on being happy. It starts now.

14th - have been happy and focused on not gambling, but I took my eye off the ball today and got a payday loan and put some of it in a bet that lost. Back on the horse.

17^th - my team have just got through to a big semi-final. Have been feeling very depressed ever since because I need to find the money to go.

18th - 26^th - Been feeling good. Have only had one bet and won back the money to pay the payday loan. Took some more money out so I could buy my ticket. Money is very slim until December when I free up more money each month.

28th March - I'm considering putting some bets on tomorrow, then I look at my situation. Why? I'm happy not gambling, and I have been happy at work lately. Yes, I'm in a mess, financially. The consequences are bad if I waste money this month. I'm meant to be going on holiday in two weeks, and I don't want to have to take a payday loan out.

29th - Payday! I have money for this month. That includes holiday and a day at the football. I am so tempted to put two small bets on today, but I know I will lose. Strange feeling knowing you will screw yourself for the month but wanting to do it anyway.
10am - Surprise, surprise. After feeling dreadful all morning, I go into the bookies, put two bets on and wasted more money in the machine. Every penny is so precious this month. 
10pm - I won the bet, which returned me some money.

2nd April - after losing what I reinvested, I am back down where I started. I have the football day and holiday. Will have to get a payday loan and more. I cancelled the direct debit for my loan today, but I will pay it tomorrow. Too risky to get into arrears.

3rd - I called the loan company, and they were very understanding, and I can just pay it at the end of the month. And I gambled again. If I win, I will pay it. I lost the big return bet, but I have another return running. I also have opened another account and put on a risk-free bet. I'm still gambling as heavy as always. It's scary. Gotta stop tonight as I will have to get a payday loan and pay back what I owe, which won't leave me much for the month. It's bad.
8pm - I'm sweating over a bet whilst I put my son to bed. I just don't want to be this person.
11pm - I won the bet and another one on another account, but I wasted that money already. So after a week since getting paid when I lost money on payday, I have the same amount of money. With not paying the loan company, plus what I currently have, I may be able to survive for the holiday

4th April - collected my money this morning so I have something for the month. Put on a bet, and then the first one lost, so I went and put more on a bet. Left myself with £100 less now for the month, but if it wins, I will pay my loan arrears and have something for the month. Fingers crossed.
3:15 - I'm 45 minutes away from a win that will pay the loan and leave me some in reserve, which I'm happy with.
4:00 - won it. I have money for the month.

5th April - opened another betting account and wasted some money. Groundhog Day. Down again for the month. Just doable.

6^th - I'm going to football tomorrow. Wasted money on bets and racing. All I have left now is the money I should have paid towards loan arrears. I feel so down. I am in so much debt. I have felt worse than this, and I can feel better. I know I can, but I am in a big hole. I am stopping. I have no funds and I am in a mess for next month.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS. DO NOT GAMBLE.

7^th - had the best day at the football today. Honestly don't know why I gamble. I'm done. I'm going to enjoy this week, and then we go on holiday next week. If it takes getting a payday loan to live, then so be it. I might be able to go to football next month.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS FOR MY BOY.

8th April - my birthday. Incredible day at the football. Mother-in-law has given me money for my birthday, so if I stay straight, I will have enough money this month and try not to get myself a payday loan. I won't get myself in a mess for next month either. I have a second chance, and I feel positive. I can mark the day I stopped gambling by my birthday.

9th - stupidly gambled some money. So tilted. Unbelievable.
10pm - put money on two more games. Wasted more money today.

10^th - put money on two Japan games. Last-minute equalizer. Was going to be up and pay the loan arrears. Could have cashed out online. Sick. In such a mess for the month. I have to stop, but I am so tilted. Little left now for the rest of the month, so I will have to take some from the joint account and somehow go on holiday this weekend. I have arrears and really don't want to continue owing them, otherwise, they will request the full balance and default me. I have worked out if I pay that back and the payday loan, I will have no money, so will have to take another payday loan. I can't believe I just got done by a 92' equalizer. I am so stupid. I have wasted my birthday money. I had some money and could have made it work this month. I need a few days to get over this and get happier. I have to stop this. I am ruining my life.
8pm - just applied for another credit card and got one. That's six loans and five credit cards I have. Disgraceful.

21st April - have been away on holiday with family, etc. Haven't gambled, and it's going to stay that way. Got another credit card to cover the loan arrears and should be fine for the next few months. There is a good chance I will get a football ticket, so very happy about that.

23rd April - put a bet on today. Very stupid, but was just a slip. Hopefully, my next entry will be to say that City drew or lost against United tomorrow, so Liverpool can win the Dooley, Hamilton and Liverpool bet. They're only a point behind City, and this is their last hard game

24^th - More money wasted today and more yesterday. Got a payday loan.
7pm - games yet to be played, but as it stands, I can barely get through next month. I am in a mess. Going to have to sort a payment plan with loan company.
10pm - waiting on one goal for the BTTS so I can pay some stuff. I am in an awful state, a complete wreck, and I can't believe I gambled after the holiday. I so want to tell my wife so she can save me, but she will drop me like a stone. I won't be winning the Dooley, Hamilton, Liverpool bet unless a miracle happens and City slip up.
10:30 - BTTS didn't hit, nor will Liverpool win. I am on my knees, and I am crying again. I have five credit cards and five loans. I am drowning. I don't know where to go from here. I will struggle next month, and I don't know how much longer I can hold it together.

25th - woke up this morning a bit hazy but worked out I can scrimp and sell some old bits and do a car-boot sale to get myself through. I was a mess last night, and I couldn't get to sleep. There's a very outside chance another one of my season bets will come off, but I will need a miracle. Roll on December when I can free up more money each month. I'm not saying I'm not gambling because I have said it so many times. I'm just going to get my head down and do it.

29th - Had a silly slip today on a bet and missed out on one team.
Got home from work, and my wife has told me she is pregnant. Called loan company, and I'm going to pay an extra £30 a month for my arrears. Have to improve my credit rating and somehow refinance, but I will probably be fine without doing it. Just need to get to December. I have to not gamble, and I am a little worried about the future and paying off my debt and credit cards.

30th April - payday. Gambled online today, won, and withdrew my money. Could have been more, but got stuffed, and can't control some games. Got to stop for our new baby in December. I have enough to live this month, so I'm to go to work without my wallet tomorrow.

5th May - My wife is back in *** and I have been gambling over the bank holiday. Won on Friday and reinvested it. Won and reinvested only to have very little left. I need to pay the saving jar. Don't know whether to put a last one on tonight before football, but when is the last one? I have a baby on the way in December. I have decided not to put the bet on. My focus is my new little baby. I'm going to get help.
17:30 - went to put the bet on before football. This is such an aggressive horrible thing. I just can't help it. Win or lose, I have to stop tomorrow though. Struggle, or pay the tin and have enough money for the month.
20:30 - 2 teams winning, but Guimares have a red 30' in, so won't be winning this. My recovery starts now. I'm going to read lots online and NOT GAMBLE. For me. For my wife. For my son. For bump.
22:00 - a last-minute goal from Napoli kept it alive, but got done by a 92' from Nacional. I am done. I have to do this for my son.

6th May - woke up, and still want to stop. It's real now, and it's only my children that will suffer when their daddy isn't around. It's so childish. It's stopping now.

13th May - Haven't gambled for over a week and been doing fine, however, I only had a small amount of money left, so I put a bet on, stupidly. I would have had to get a payday loan anyway but thought I'd try and save it. Wrong decision, as usual. I am still stopping. This was only a stupid slip. Man City won the league, so no win for me. Only one outstanding is the FA Cup and England Nations win. Very unlikely!

19^th - Been betting a little but winning only small amounts to pay for the weekend. Credit rating is rock bottom as I have the missed payment.
14:00 - Put a bet on and lost. That was mostly winnings, but still, it's crippling for me. I now have to get a payday loan. Leaves me with very little plus mileage for next month. It's the same over and over now until December, it feels like. I'm worried sick and doesn't feel like a way out. If I get a payday loan now, there's little chance of paying it back. It's so hard. 

20^th - got a payday loan, and put a bet on. And it came down to 1 selection, as always. No money next month, so I'll have to get another one to live. I'm always coming back to it to get me out of it, but it is the cause. If I could consolidate, it would save me. My wife brought up how much stuff is going to cost last night. I'll be ok if I don't gamble. I'll have some more money each month, which is doable IF I do not gamble. I have already messed up my credit score, so I'm going to need a year to rebuild that and refinance.

21st May - Gambled and lost on a 1/5. It's unbelievable. I have no money next month. I am such a failure to my little boy.
3pm - feeling a little happier. Got a payday loan, which I will withdraw from next week when I get paid. It'll give me something to live off, then I'll scrimp next month. I just have to learn to be happy.

23^rd - fighting cravings yesterday, and today, even worse. Just want to open an online account and try a payday loan. Would really mess me up if I did.

25^th - opened another betting account and gambled some more. Been up and down. Called loan company and another payment behind. I have enough to function next month now. If I stop, I can pay the last two payments out of my Xmas bonus. I should be fine. Feel positive.

28th May - 10pm - opened another account and gambled some more. Going to do the self-exclusion on every online account tomorrow.
10:30 - laying awake. Can't sleep. Thinking about the new baby. Doesn't want a dad that is like this. I am stopping for good. Going to listen to my audiobook tomorrow on the iPad.

10th June - For the most part, I haven't gambled. Had a few over the last two weeks and wasted some more money. Behind £100 on council tax and sold my old bike too as had no money. Will have to get a payday loan this month, and it'll be the same scrape until December. If I had £300, I could live and stop getting behind with stuff.

12th - Managed to work myself into a hole again. Got a payday loan and have no money as I wasted money today for the rest of the month. Going to have to get another payday loan to cover that and only have a little cash every month to spend. I'm so financially messed up with nowhere to go. The joint account went over yesterday, and my wife luckily didn't ask questions. I'm so desperate to get out. 
8pm - I have dug some stuff out to sell. I have to make this work. How many times have I been here? I have already sold my bike and my wife's bike.

17th June - 6 days gamble-free. Going to buy a job lot today and turn them for a profit. Should hopefully make some money on them, I would guess. 12 pairs for 100! Had to call the loan company to delay payment so should be ok for next month now.
19th - bought the job lot and should hopefully make some money so I can get rid of the payday loans. Have been very positive and keeping myself busy. However, I did think about pre-season bets today.

24th June 2019 - Nearly 2 weeks now. Focus and keeping busy is everything. I need new ways of making money out of work, which fixes both problems. Keeps me focused and makes me money. More job lots are a good start. Made some money back from my original investment on 2 items already.

29^th - still on the wagon. Financial ombudsmen - should get back £400 from one loan company and more from another loan company soon, hopefully.

6th July - I don't know why, but it has worked this time. Just having a focus of selling this job lot seems to be enough. Nearly a month gamble-free!!

24th July - have placed some pre-season bets, but I don't consider that to be a problem. I am so happy to not be ruled by gambling every day. Its 6 weeks no gambling now, and I am a lot happier.

6th Aug 2019 - I am 6 days shy of 2 months. It feels good. I need to get rid of the debt and arrears though.

4th Jan 2020 - sat here with my new baby girl, nearly 7 months gamble-free.
--------------
Gamble-free for 14 months
------‐-‐--‐--

6th Aug 2020 - been betting a little lately. Need to stop. Nothing serious, but could slip back into my old destructive ways. Watching sport on my phone. Not good.

7th Aug 2020 - was going to put on another bet, and I would have won. Watched Father, Soldier, Son on Netflix, such a sad story of when his little boy Joseph died. I cried a lot thinking about my little boy. I am not going to return to gambling like I used to. My life is worth more, and my little boy and girl don't want that from me. The question I am asking myself is if I did put that bet on and win it, would I have just started gambling again with the money?

26th Aug 2020 - I have been betting for the last 2 weeks. It's so pointless. Don't feel like I'm in too much danger, but of course, I am, I just can't see it. I will stop now and just do outrights. I will just find myself back in a hole again.

Been gambling again, and lost. Gotta get out before I start getting in deep. Will still do my outrights, but match betting has to stop. It's ridiculous I'm putting more on. Put five bets on today. Vasalund were 3-0 in the first half and drew. Unbelievable.

10th Sept - Invested some more in a week after getting some back from a few bets. Haven't hit one yet. Seven to go. If I don't win one, I'm done. Horrible game. Got a rate-setter loan to consolidate debt. No new credit. Taken it all in my means at the moment, but that'll change if I get sucked in.

11th Sept - 1st game of the season. Put more bets on today. I have probably wasted £1,000 in the last month, so I can break away here unscathed. I don't even feel much of a draw and a compulsion like I used to. My season bets will keep me interested.

14th Sept - won some of my bet from yesterday back. Will stop and get back to my life. Been moody and usual gambling left over the last week. It's ruining things again.

15th Sept – Coronavirus lockdown. Genuinely thinking of saying, "I need to go into work," and then spend all day in the bookies. Feels like this is a turning point for me. Its nip it now or destruction again.
14:00 - I'm going to get some more money out today. I can stop after that. I need this weekend to come when we go on holiday because being furloughed is allowing me to be bored.

25th Sept 2020 - Still going. Won some back and then wagered some more from Thursday to Sunday. It's Friday night, and still no wins. To not get one from 12 bets would be horrendous. Getting pretty bored of it now. I need to stop. I cleared up my debt with a loan company, and I've put some on the credit card. That's my total loss from the last 6 weeks. Not good or acceptable.

4th Oct - Been gambling every day for about 2 months now. I'm done now. Placed 13 different bets over the three-day weekend, and not a single one came in. Most are 3/1, so mathematically, 3 should have hit. Quite incredible. I've started to act weird around the house too like I used too. I'm making a break for it before I turn into my old self.

5^th Oct 2020 - put a bet on KUPS and Huancayo to both win. Of course, KUPS drew.

7^th - Few more bets, and missed out on a return. I don't feel the rock bottom, but I need to get out now. Put more money on credit cards from the last 2 months so gotta stop.

8th Oct 2020 - no cash for the next month, so had to do a balance transfer and then will have to draw it out and put in my bank account. Really feel like betting today, but it's an endless mess. Don't feel as hooked this time, so hopefully, I can make a break from it.
8am - an hour after writing this, I get a payday loan. I must want to feel the depravity and the suffering and the all the worry that I got last year. What on earth am I doing?
3pm - put 3 really rubbish bets on to win, and of course, they miss a penalty. I am so done now. I have exhausted everything financially without getting into trouble. Have significant debt. Over half the amount compared to last time I gave up last year.
10:32pm - Lost all 3 bets. It stops now.

11th Oct - tried to make an excuse to go to the shop and put a bet on earlier, and my wife got suspicious. I have to be done now.

12th Oct 2020 - applied for a loan like an idiot. Got the money in my account, and then came to my senses and had them take it back and withdraw from it before I went and gambled. Such an idiot. Now I think it will show on my credit, etc., although they say it won't. I don't believe it.

15th - whilst I'm happy not betting, I really want to be. I won the other day and was going to pay back the joint account, but instead, I went and gambled on virtual dog racing.

18th Oct - got a 0% balance transfer card and took out more money the last 2 days. Down two months in a row now, so taking the money to clear cards and the two little loans was pointless. Waiting on two more bets, but I have some horrible bets from the bankers on footy tipster. Two separate bets, the team was winning, then got pumped after 75' to lose. Incredible. I have to stop after I lose. Still waiting on 2 bets.
Update: 18:15 - Another loss after goals for West Ham in 82', 85', and 94'. You couldn't make this up. I feel so drained like I used to. Unbelievable.
22:00 - landed one bet.

19th - reinvested the money from my last win and added more to it. If I lose, I have to stop. If I win, I want to pay back the payday loan and joint account.

20^th - I have to stop now. If I carry on, I am finished, and I won't win. I work myself into a huge hole, and I can't do that to my family. It stops now.

22^nd Oct - milked the whole credit card plus all the money in my account. Waiting to see if a bet comes in. Have another bet to collect tomorrow. Will be down again by the time I'm done. I thought I stopped all this on 12th June last year.

23rd - Wasted what was left from my last win. If I'd won, I already had plans to invest the winnings again in other bets.

12th Nov - after stopping, I won some back just before we are locked down again for coronavirus. No bookies are open, so found an online casino that requires no verification and allows credit cards. Seems to be based overseas. Wasted some money there, then added more to it, which I won a bet with. Added some more to it to play another game and lost the lot in a couple of hours. Incredible. I haven't changed one bit.

17th Nov 2020 - found a betting site that allows you to play outside of restrictions and blocking software. Wasted some money on it. Withdrew initially and played again, but was always going to blow up on one game. In a bit of a hole with the credit cards now, which is going to be tough around when we re-mortgage. I feel very numb. Knew it was going to happen though and kept telling myself to be disciplined, but I got the burning tilting feeling, which is impossible to get away from.
22:30 - in despair again. I haven't gambled since I wasted the first deposit with this casino but had two emails to say I've gone over on two of my cards, and the casino has charged me when I pressed the deposit button. It charged me for 2 anyway, which I didn't want, but a 3rd didn't even go in. Really feel low. The whole thing is so dodgy:-

  * Adding more deposits to account.
  * Withdrawals take 3 days.
  * Asked to be self-excluded 3 times, and then changed my mind, and it was fine.
  * Only allowed to withdraw £500 at a time. Their terms say £5,000.
  * Take ages to get back to you via email.
  * Payments made from overseas and charging a non-sterling fee plus a transaction fee each time.

18th Nov - feel the guilt this morning. Yet again, back in the same position. Was looking to be only a few grand in debt by the end of 2021, but adding to it this time will probably push that to the end of 2022. Two years isn't that long really.

23rd - got properly scammed by a casino. Down again. Tried to withdraw, and it was taking forever, and I am obviously not disciplined enough. God knows whether I would have got my money, but I have self-excluded now. Gotta pay off this credit card debt somehow. £15k total debt at this point.

10th Dec - gambled as soon as I got paid and wanted to raise some more money to place a big season bet. Have been furloughed, so been in the bookies betting on everything that moves. Won enough to cover the promotion bet and got it up some more. Took more money out today, and I have some bets on to win it back but could be down since the start of the month if nothing hits. I have to be reimbursed for the casino saga on my credit card, but sure I'm going to lose it, and they slap it straight back on.
16:00 - just lost another 2. Got a shot at 2 bets, but I know I won't hit them. Back to the same place as usual. Always end the same way.

14th Dec 2020 - yesterday was my son's birthday. Gambled over the weekend and lost again. I'm going into what has been refunded on the credit cards. I'm furloughed, so considering going down to the bookies and gambling on horses, etc. Was down there this morning placing more on games today. If it won, one of those would straighten me out a little. Need to get a grip on this.
15:00 - Spent the last money in my account. No money for the rest of the month now and Xmas, instead of the credit card money, which will get put back on when the casino rejects the chargeback. Watching Can't pay, we'll take it away, and could be me on there. Heart-breaking to know my children's daddy is a secretive dirty gambler. I have to change now before Xmas, and for them. I'll wait for the outcome of the 2 bets tonight and pay it into my account if I win and stop.

21:00 - both bets lost by a long stretch. I did make a little bit back on a horse bet though. I think this is the end of the line though. I can make a break with something left for the rest of the month with no more credit being used. I can slowly pay the credit cards back and accept that I have wasted over £6,500 in this five-month gambling spree. I did the same last time, but my starting debt was more, and I ended up even deeper in debt. I was at £10k and am now at £15k not including the car. I can stop now and hope that it won't affect re-mortgaging next year and that my wife won't find out.

15th Dec - the money I won has just gone on two doubles. I don't expect to win them.
14:30 - two doubles, all for favourites, and all four lost. It is unbelievable, and I have no money for the rest of the month. Really need to consolidate my credit card debt. There is around £6,500 on them at the moment. Bad situation.
15:00 - scraped together enough for one more bet. I'm seriously risking it now. It was inconceivable to waste all that money just a few months ago as I was getting a handle on my debt. I've put myself back eight months, maybe. Ridiculous.
19:00 - I lost the first game, so I'm done.

16^th - put my last money on a treble. Of course, the first selection lost straight away. Sick of it.

17^th - took a payday loan and immediately used it to place bets. If I lose, then everything is exhausted.
16:00 - won two of those bets, so paid the loan straight off. Have money in my account now and another bet placed for tonight.
18th - narrowly missed both bets, one of which was a 77' pen. Would have been nice, but paid the loan off straight away yesterday and have some cash for the month.

21st - after the other bet, I paid back the loan. Had some cash and narrowly missed out on a small win. I could have been all good. Wasted that, and got another payday loan today, and wasted that too. Groundhog Day. Not much left for the next 2 weeks.

22^nd - STOP DATE - couldn't help myself and put a bet on what looks like losers. Kristiansund 1-0 and Haugesund come out 2nd half and score in 53' and 54'. Couldn't make it up.

27th Dec 2020 - haven't gambled for five days. Went to buy daughter balloons for her birthday and contemplated wasting what I have left until I get paid. But what's the point? I've wasted probably £6k this time around, and nothing ever changes every time I gamble. I'll save my money from now on and concentrate on giving my beautiful children a good life.

30th Dec - watched Room on Netflix and realised how precious my beautiful children are. Feeling emotional. Haven't gambled in 8 days and don't feel like gambling. It feels like I need to improve myself and my situation. Life is precious. New Year's Eve tomorrow, and we are moved into to tier 3, so Xmas and New Year, not able to see family or friends.

1st January 2021 - 1 SLIP DATE
Happy New Year to me. I gambled after 10 days with no gambling. Very little left for the month now. Greatttt.

4th Jan - 4 bets. Every bet had one game that let me down by a small margin. Was waiting on a replay of the Benfica game tonight, and they conceded in the 60'. Unreal. Got turned over in 88' and 92'. Just amazing. Going into another full lockdown, and the bookies are closed for at least a month, so it's another stab at no gambling. I'll be furloughed so lose out £300 in pay too. Not sure where it puts me for re-mortgaging in December with £6k credit card debt.

15th Jan 2020 - I called the credit card company a few days ago, and they said the chargebacks were successful. Today, I got an email from credit card company to say I went over limit and instantly knew they had been rejected and the amounts reversed, so I can only assume they were unsuccessful. I'll try and call them on Monday, but that is quite devastating. Also spent some of the chargeback on bets before Xmas on the card, so I'm in deep. Got a final notice letter from council tax today, which is nothing really but annoying. Have to get a payday loan to take me back under my limit on the credit card. No gambling because we're in lockdown, but keeps coming back at me and biting every way it can. Pretty depressed right now.

18th Jan - so had to pay £370 of the final council tax bill because they've issued a final notice and 'couldn't stop action' unless you paid it. Maxed everything out now.

27th Jan 2021 - gamble-free for the best part of a month now. Just had them slip-ups after New Year. Still in lockdown. Still maxed out cards, but just watched the Justyn Rees Larcombe TED talk, and it has made me feel really sad about what I've done, but I can see a future. The biggest thing is this credit card debt. It's dragging me down. Lucky to have the chargeback from the casino and awaiting another one. Reading lots of stuff online at the moment about scam casinos and people getting around blocking software. Shocking.