Angel From Montgomery

Good morning

First well done for joining this great site , you will get lots of advice and support here

A must is to self exclude from all the sites you use online , then put a block on your computer to aid you in your recovery

I wish you all the best on starting this journey , it will be difficult at times but try and stay close to this site and read / post as often as you feel the need

Take care and keep strong

Lucy

Hi Judy

Again well done on starting a diary it will really help , admitting the problem is half the battle I hope ur partner feels the same then if so together u can help each other and lead a gamble free life and av some of the rewards that life has to offer which we don't ever see whilst gambling

Keep posting and reading other diaries get all the support and advice , there is so much on here , take heart in knowing ur not alone and we all know what ur goin through

I wish u both the best in ur recovery

Take care and stay strong

Castle2

Hi Diary,

I am thankful this morning for this site. What a relief to know that there are others out there who know what I am going through. I am ashamed of myself for getting caught up in such a stupid time/money wasting activity. When I am using - I imagine the folks on the other side of the screen/machine laughing at me. My behavior is predictable. They know that I cannot hold onto any winnings. There will be no "withdrawal". there will be know winning. Little cartoon images rolling by. No bonus play- and I begin to sweat and my heart begins to pound. All of this attention and energy wasted on little cartoon images rolling by!! Never enough. Always one more hit one more bonus round. I do a little chair dance b/c I get three sailboats in a row. Then comes the monotonous music. But, it is not music. Not to my ears. If I were really listening I would scream! Instead I am in some kind of feverish trance watching little cartoon images rolling by -- bobbing up and down to a cheesy little tune. And, I am powerless-- driven like a magnet. I am on my knees reaching out and upward. I am ready to begin again.

Hi Judy,

Warm welcome to you.

You know from reading thsi forum that you are not alone with this disease.

You are not stupid or crazy....this is an illness.

You have realised what gambling has done to you.

I also remember sitting for hours praying for a stupid bonus...then when it came was practically nothing.They pay people LOTS of money to make games that get us addicted.

Stick close to this site hun, make sure you have blocks in place and keep posting!

Wishing you good luck on your journey.

Sue xx

Hi Judy ,

You have came to the right place to beat this evil that has got a hold over us . I like you was addicted to the slots , waiting on the bonus , cos this time I would get the jackpot , knowing deep down it wasnt goin to happen , knowing all I was goin to do was get myself deeper in debt . It wasnt till you said it in your post did I realise what I have been gambling on , cartoons with cheesy music .

Anyway welcome to the site , I try to read it every day as the goodwill and encouragement you will get here from everyone is incredible .

You can do this

Sam

HI Judy,

Nice to see you started a diary 🙂 Stay close to your diary and use it to pour out the good, bad and ugly, Its an outlet to air your worries, frustrations, fears, anything you want to .

I have found it kick started me into recovery and spured me on to do other things,1 -1 councilling sessions, GA. There are some truly amazing people on here who are living examples that you can beat this illness.

Welcome I will be following your story.

Blondie xx

Hey Judy

Welcome to the site. I am a newbie (4th day using site) and find it a great inspiration and the people are soooo supportive.

My advice is to check back every day and even on the rare occasion that nobody posts (won't happen) still post your thoughts.

Regards

CBH

Hi Diary,

Once again I am grateful for this site and for all of those wonderful people out there who answered me when I called out. Today, I am thinking about the people that I borrowed money from over the years under false pretenses. I would tell my family and friends that I needed some money for dental work or that I had to pay a medical bill. It makes me sick to think about how easily I could lie to the people who mean the most to me. There is something worse than being financially bankrupt. I discovered that I gave more over to gambling than just my money and time. I traded my integrity, and at times my very soul for a few lousy dollars -- and for what?? To play a slot machine? For the oportunity to be able to watch a little squirrel dance across the screen! Betraying the trust of the people who I treasure the most is so much worse than accruing a gambling debt. When I first discovered this site just a day ago, I was writing because I was feeling sorry for myself. I was angry at the casino owners for being evil predators. For picking on poor little me. Well, today I discovered that it takes two to Tango. The smooth handsome devil asked me to dance and I said yes. So, now I have a long way to go. The 5 years that it will take me to pay off the banks is nothing compared to the work I need to do to repair the damage I have done to my own spirit/soul and relationships.

Just trying to keep my mind on other things. Have to get the blocks in place b/c am getting many online solicitations and freebies over my BlackBerry. Mondays thru Thursdays are not as bad as weekends and paydays. With credit cards maxed out and balances closed I only spend what I earn but, realise now that I must get the blocks put up. My partner in life and in crime has expressed a willingness to work along with me. We have always done everything together. Gambling is no different. We wonder why we cannot get addicted to exercise and veggies. 🙂

So, I ventured onto the chat room and found out that there was a free block that I could download. I had a friend of mine take care of it for me and they tested it so.. I can no longer get at the online gambling sites. Sigh.. I get these waves of clarity and peace then wham comes a feeling of insecurity. I cannot really name the reason -- it just comes on. It is the time of the evening here when I get the stongest urges to use so.. I am just writing instead. Cannot really think of anything to say... I wish I could remember what it was like before I got into this mess. Oh well, I did not gamble and I will not gamble tonight. Will see what the morning brings.

Good Morning Judy

Glad to see your still strong 😉

The urges , Judy they will come and go and at times feel impossible to let go off but they do ease off over time and each day you remain bet free the stronger you become

Glad to see the blocks are in place, one less tempation taken away and that can only aid you on your journey

You are doing the right thing by coming on and posting and i know with determination you can continue onwards and upwards

Keep Strong Judy

Lucy

Hi Judy,

Well done for installing the blocks, that is a positive step 🙂

U can do this, one day at a time 🙂

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

thanks Lucy and Charlotte for your words of encouragement. Thanks to all who write have written down your stories. I read them every day and get so much out of them. I guess I have been feeling a little double down lately b/c I have been trying to lose weight and for some reason my decision to stop gambling has created new urges to eat. It is looking to me like I have been using gambling to manage my stress. Now that I have made a decision to stop gambling I a have found myself in panic mode and am again turning to food for comfort. I tell myself that having a bowl of ice cream is better than gambling but, how long is that going to last? I will be trading one problem for another. Today I have decided it is time to get out walking. I learned a long time ago that exercise is an ecellent way to stimulate the metabolism anc positive brain chemistry. Over the years I have gained alot of information and tools for recovery. I have so much in this life to be thankful for. My problem is that from time to time I can be a very lazy thinker. I fall into a groove and sort of numb out -- not realising that there may be flaws in the way I'm thinking. Flawed thinking leads to wrong actions. Wrong actions lead to messes -- just like the one I am in currently. It is like my compass -- instead of pointing north it is pointing south. I get lost. I found you all pretty much by accident. I was not looking for you -- I sort of washed up on your shore. I feel saved in way. Like I was given a chance. I dont want to blow this. This is an opportunity to right my thinking. Get myself sailing in the right direction again.. Thnaks for listening.

I was just thinking that today instead of entertaining fantasy thoughts about winning that I will make an effort to recall the feeling I had when I lost: Driving home -crying. Punching the steering wheel. Asking myself over and over again, WHY? I actually thought about opening up the car door and just hurling myself onto the pavement. How are we going to pay our bills? Get the calculator out -- well, if I shift this around or wait on that. Call a friend. Tell them an out right lie. OR: the walk of shame past the other pale faces -- not exactly the winners circle toward the door. The rage washes over me. I see one of those b******s in a black suit carrying a walkie talkie and his bright yellow badge and I bite down hard on my tonge b/c I want to get in his face and tell him what for. I think about putting my foot through the glass door. Another long silent car ride home. Sobbing. Sounds like fun eh? NOT!