Support us

Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.  

Page 325 / 325
 
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Morning dear diary 

A beautiful day, the sunshine seems to lift everyone’s mood, folk returned a good morning, folk less agitated by the circumstances of life we’ve found ourselves in. So there’s an advertisement in the window of the local bookmakers that I cycle past at least twice a day announcing that it will be open for business on Monday, for me I am grateful that I am excluded from this and every other bookmakers in cycling distance of my workplace and where I live. I used to beat myself up about feeling excluded, like I had something taken from me against my will. Hard done by at the thought that I wasn’t given control, but the truth is I am when feeding addiction totally out of control, my rational thinking loses itself in the fog of addiction. By taking away the ability to gamble in every way possible willingly I find myself in a new mindset, I don’t hold anger or relief I just feed a growing purpose. I don’t want bookmakers to close, equally I don’t want the challenge of being able to enter one being a possibility however remote, I understand today the power I gave addiction by leaving the door unlocked, yes previous actions over the past eight years have shut the door but never locked it. I have seen many reactions to having the ability to gamble taken away from within myself and today I can honestly say I fully understand why gambling is unhealthy on every level for me, the outcome more than financial loss, the short term emotional escape or high just feeds horrendous thoughts and a mindset that shuts off my ability to be responsible. Equally I am mindful that addiction has had a part to play in my life, it has been my coping mechanism, in times of turmoil it’s distracted me from the place I thought many times I would find myself, standing silent defeated in wait for that speeding train, today I am seeking an alternative, a complete overhaul of my life and the way I live it, to communicate openly and honestly, to dedicate my time with purposeful actions, to be happy to commit or decline in equal measure.

today I am sober in every sense of the word, yes there’s potholes and every now and then I will tread in something unpleasant, but I accept that I am entitled to enjoy the sun when it shines.

my advice today is when you are ready relinquish your ability to let addiction to control your actions and thinking as a result take every measure available, it’s empowering beyond belief.

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th June 2020 10:11 am
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Evening dear diary 

I have had a day of paperwork today, banking and planning for the immediate future for work, hospitality is an ever changing business due to the current circumstances of life and we are trying to keep ahead of the pack, the fact that we changed to a delivery service and can’t let customers through the door worked well but with other similar businesses following suit the market space is pretty saturated and I am looking for other avenues. It’s been a very good learning curve, I am thankful for the opportunity because it’s helped greatly with my mindset and it kind of mirrors the way I am looking to live my life in every way possible moving forward. To adapt and grow and respect and not to seek short term gains are life choices I work upon.

 I hope equally that with the lifting of restrictions I will soon be able to get back into the GA rooms in person, I really appreciate what I get in the rooms and am genuinely excited at the prospect of visiting as many as possible when we are again allowed to do so.

 I have been reminded a great deal in recent days about what my relationship with gambling was and how it damaged my life, for me the financial loss has always been the least contending factor, I have never measured how bad things are by way of how much money has been lost in an episode because I accept that I would gamble whatever was available, I would decimate the bank account and seek to gain money by any means to carry on with an episode and then the worst of me would seek to replace the lost money in the aftermath by lying, deceiving and kidding myself that everything was ok. So how much I lost doesn’t become the main factor of damage, money quite simply is the easiest thing to replace. And active addiction even when dormant through lack of fuel/money to feed it just had a cycle of repetition of which I foolishly believed that the outcome would one day would change.

I have rarely written figures of my financial loss as a result because I equally believe it gives addiction an opportunity to seek the addict in my brains attention. Because no matter how much I have lost through gambling in my life someone suffering from the same addiction will have lost more money and as a result addiction would be telling me that I could therefore justify gambling more.

A question posed with regards to whose addiction is worse asked in a GA room gave the best answer 

which is worse the fella on minimum wage with a wife and kids was given the washing and the money for the laundromat and rather than wash the clothes for the week the money was gambled away and the washing taken home dirty and worn again, or is it the millionaire footballer who waged his huge salary and was greatly in debt because they tried to sell the world the story that life was beautiful.

 The answer they are equal 

the destruction brought by gambling addiction is ruthless, it shows no prejudice, it will take everything and more, it will harm the addict mentally equally and hurt the folk around them equally.

So money is the fuel nothing more.

 I remind myself with this often 

how do you make a compulsive gambler into a millionaire??

simple start them off as a billionaire....

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th June 2020 7:02 pm
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Evening dear diary 

had a busy week so far and sold out for our delivery service on Sunday, a full book of orders for either a roast lamb dinner for 4 or a ploughman’s platter, so I have been busy putting the bits and pieces together to ensure that the folk we serve have a good day as a result. I enjoyed a couple of evenings with Sarah and the hounds something that we will make permanent in the coming months, I have laid the foundations of a better set of life circumstances for us over the past four months and will continue to seek better ways to understand the inner workings of my mind and mental wellbeing as a result.

hopefully the rooms will open again in the coming weeks, I have genuinely missed the connection to recovery they bring, rooms full of knowledge, wisdom and a shared desire to see folk arrest that next fateful punt unconditionally and for the want of nothing in return. A far cry from the attitude of myself when actively feeding addiction.

humbling and worth so much more than the two quid asked to contribute to the room hire every meeting, in fact the value of those rooms are priceless.

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th June 2020 12:07 am
Ford2017
(@ford2017)

Hi Dunc,

I take great interest in reading you diary, you speak well and talk a lot of sense. You also hit the key addiction points for me and i have put in to practice things you have said. 

It sounds like with all gamblers you have a great life without gambling and I too wonder why i need it or want it. 

One day at a time, stay strong thanks for support

 

Ford

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd June 2020 12:18 pm
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Evening dear diary 

thanks for popping by Ford, I am humbled by your kindness, keep on keeping on fella life without gambling will improve and your mental wellbeing with it.

tough day today long hours and busy trying to prepare for reopening next weekend with a strange underlying feeling about doing so, the general attitude appears to be that life has returned to normal, folk getting too close, large gatherings in the park I exercise in and the roads and litter everywhere would have you soon forget that the world was a better place only a few weeks ago. Truthfully it makes me feel quite sad the general disregard that folk give to the environment and others with it. I am applying the 2m social distancing in our business, yes the footfall will be less but until it’s recognised as safe not economics making the rules we have decided to continue working the way we have for the past 13 weeks. My teeth are playing up again I will look to find a dentist this week, hopefully I can find one taking patients and I can finally fix the mess in the back of my mouth, the legacy of my excess use as a teenager.

still gamble free, passing 150 days quietly was nice, those days I know count for little if change is not sort.

 I have turned my life upside down, every day I work hard on my failures and am willingly giving to change. My life undoubtably was unmanageable when actively gambling.

yes it’s tough to get through some days without using addiction to escape, but I know this, whatever life throws my way, the worst day will never measure up to my worst day 

I take great heart from that 

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th June 2020 10:21 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hey good stuff on your gamble free time. 

and yes am starting to think about going to the dentist as well, now they are starting to open up. Iv'e kind of got use to the hole in the front of my face, especially as i have no pain, but if the NHS wants to put an implant in i'd be very happy. One consequence of losing a tooth is that I am looking after my teeth properly now, brushing regular and mouth wash. I no longer spit out blood.

I agree that people are getting lax about the virus. I couldn't believe the scene's on Bournemouth beach. How could people be so selfish. Its almost akin to get yourself a tan and then go home and put grandma in intensive care.

Just for today

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th June 2020 10:53 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

Hi Duncs

 

Massive well done on g free time! Brick by brick

 

Keep looking after yourself

 

Best wishes to you & family

 

S&B xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th June 2020 6:08 pm
Ford2017
(@ford2017)

Stay strong Dunc, all the best for Saturdays reopening, hope the public in general dont go too mad but i envisage they will. Enjoy the things youve worked so hard to achieve without gambling

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th June 2020 2:02 pm
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Evening dear diary 

thanks for popping by, community and communication are two amazing outcomes of recovery.

 I am in from a very busy weeks graft, we didn’t reopen yesterday we put back our opening a week because we are simply not ready to receive customers in 3D. I am so pleased that my boss took the decision to do so because it’s without doubt the sensible outcome. Safety is the first priority, beyond money, everything.

this is something wholly new founded, the previous establishments I have worked for would have opened and simply done so for economic reasons.

A great deal like my gambling life, to take risks and uneducated unreasoned actions because I needed fuel , I would tell anyone anything they needed to hear to supply me the ability to fund another episode.

today I am working on educating my mind to live without the destruction, without self harming 

the outcome is profound

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th July 2020 12:25 am
Markman
(@markman)

Dear Duncan,

I am so happy to see you turning over the scoreboard so nicely - not far off that double Century!

Whereas some people will sadly crumble, you are clearly grafting your way though this crisis. Your resolve is admirable and you are a credit to you family and employers.

Obviously I have not been that active on the forum lately as I begin to focus more on "life," but I quietly follow your diary and a few others and am behind every step of your journey.

I wish you and your family every bit of health, happiness and contentment that your resolve truly merits.

Best wishes,

Mark

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2020 12:48 pm
Page 325 / 325
Share this page
Share
  
Working

Please Login or Register