Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Morning dear diary 

toad I hope you find what you are seeking fella 

my old friend I have continued to neglect you, I understand your power and will make a greater effort to update my inner feelings and thoughts.

last night I attended another room, two hours of incredible therapy shared with like minded folk, nobody peacocking about what they are or have, nobody trying to trump anyone with the size of their house or wallet, just a room full of folk with a desire to live without the destruction that gambling addiction brings.

humility, unconditional kindness, everyone equal, nobody pretending their life is better than it is. Addiction leaves devastating results and deep scars, I happily wear my on my heart and sleeves and the room offers advice, shared trauma, and a feeling of belonging.

 I am 8 months without a bet or alcohol drink, I have purpose, I am gathering a better understanding of the difference between selfish and selfless actions.

 I am wholly committed to my wellbeing and being the best version of myself.

today I have been grafting hard cleaning and moving the equipment around the kitchen.

why?

because it has a greater purpose and will have a positive impact 

today that’s enough 

my glass is half full 

just for today 

Duncs 

Dunc,

Fabulous post.

You’re doing a terrific job in improving your whole life. You work hard, you’re eager to learn and you’re committed. I loved reading that last post.

RR

Evening dear diary 

RR fella thanks for your support and kind words, I am indeed living a life today where I seek to learn more about how to live as the best version of myself and to live without self destruction being my default setting. I am able today to show greater consideration than I ever have had towards folk and am finding a greater ability to listen equally.

 I understand that I will meet tough situations that I will navigate, I will find conflicting opinions which I am learning to react less to because I have no desire to argue, in the same vain I understand the value of having an opinion of my own fruition because I am worthy as everyone else is of one. With that I accept the responsibility it brings, I don’t have to share my opinion, I am able to keep my thoughts to myself if the outcome will result in a positive impact.

every action has a reaction, I am learning to be considerate, to take a moment before I reply to any question, I am lessening my gung ho approach which has been the way I have gone about life for the greater part of it.

my job is quite demanding at the moment, I am confident that I can shift through the gears a meet the expectations I am tasked to meet. 
I treated myself to more time in the gym as a reward for my efforts and the outcome is I feel more alive than I ever have in my adult life.

 I made a promise to myself when I arrested that last episode 

I will give my best to life every day, I have not rescinded on my promise to date, I have taken the effort I used to misappropriate and I understand the impact it’s having.

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

another week is in full flow, work is extremely busy, I am truly humbled by the way the owner cares for the wellbeing of the staff and it has a profoundly positive impact on the place and how I feel, in equal measure I am happy to have some quality down time, yesterday Sarah and I got on a train and went to petersfield for a wander with the hounds. We had a lovely lunch in an independent pub and a couple of wonderful coffees, Sarah is abstaining from alcohol for the month and I will be honest it’s lovely to share time sober with her, half a dozen days in and she’s more vibrant, her skin shines and she takes my breath away. In two weeks we will have been together for 29 years, I am truly as in love with her today as I was all those years ago and I am humbled that our love has conquered addiction, I am through 8 months sober in every form, I am inspired every day to continue living without gambling or alcohol effecting the best version of myself.

 I got to GA last night I am happy to still attend as many meetings a week as possible.

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

I was looking through the threads on the forum last night and couldn’t find the diary written by toad that was there a week or so ago. Not sure why it’s not there anymore, I hope that it’s a technical problem rather than it being removed due to its content.

for me personally I accept that I became at times here very sensitive with regards to gambling being mentioned, and I took everything personally if another thread didn’t dance to the same tune as my own.

today I believe I have a better understanding of myself and how I am effected by the outcome of other folks actions.

 I equally accept that everyone has the right to voice themselves and have an opinion. 
I accept as an outcome I can choose what to take from any situation or actions of another.

 I believe that the outcome of removing such content from life is not a healthy way of living 

regards Duncs 

Good evening dear diary 

I found myself pondering my life whilst working out in the gym yesterday, I found myself thinking about purpose and how today I live with purpose in every aspect of my life, I no longer neglect my own wellbeing, physically and emotionally I work hard on being the best I can be.

throughout my twenty five years feeding addiction I lacked purpose in all aspects of life, I had such a terrible relationship with myself I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. I simply repeated the same cycle of self harming through feeding every penny available to addiction. Why?? To gamble without the desire for gain, to gamble simply to stay in action, what was in it for me? What drew me back at every opportunity? 
escape, I found escape in those moments, I created chaos that distracted my purpose, I created issues that deferred my mind away from the inner turmoil and pain. From that I accept I stayed alive.

dead man walking would sum up my life as an active addict, emotionally detached, physically  Worn out with no desire to care for my wellbeing let alone anyone else’s wellbeing.

 I accept that I have wasted those years, I won’t regain them, I put them behind me.

 I happily wear the scars, I remind myself of that mental state of being, I understand what created that mindset.

today I have opened the door to a life without addiction, I have enabled myself a glance into a life without chaos and self harming restricting purpose and opportunity 

just for today I embrace recovery, I have found purpose and I accept that is something I need to work hard to maintain.

just for today I have been kind to myself, the outcome is profoundly positive, the ability endless as a pose to self destruction.

 I find inner peace from the outcome.

dear diary just for today I am wholly thankful for the opportunity 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

just in from my second GA meeting this week, on Tuesday I had the honour of chairing my first meeting, I enjoyed the evening and took a great deal from the shares, tonight I have had another good meeting, very sobering therapies and a good dose of the medicine I cannot buy in a pharmacy or get from a back street dealer. The recipe I follow today is to put the effort in, I could have easily got home from work the weather beating me up all the way and showered and settled in to watch more antiques road trip and pretended that I wouldn’t benefit from another meeting. I understand that I am rewarded for the effort I give, work is my means to earn money but I no longer go gung ho with no time left for myself. I have been to the gym every day equally, I am reaping the rewards of the effort there to. My waistline shrinks every week and I am starting to define some form of shape without all the wobbly bits lol. I find myself smiling more than I frown. Yes there’s days when I face adversity and inner feelings of inadequacy, I accept that I am a working progress.

but my progress is no longer in decline, addiction doesn’t rule my thinking, I am less erratic and irrational in my thinking, the outcome is profoundly positive.

my glass is half full, non alcoholic, I remain abstinent from gambling and sober from consumption. 9 months have passed, I have not wasted a minute 

I am proud,humbled and inspired in equal measure 

just for today 

Duncs 

Duncan,

Good evening. As always i relish reading your posts and the honesty and positivity that happens 

You are able to say so much. I feel your pain. I toast your success.

My son is moving to the Isle of Wight soon. Very close to you. I would be grateful to meet over a coffee to discuss............life.

For that i would be humbled

Kindest regards

Best

Evening dear diary 

balance it will be a true honour to meet up with you and share a coffee and some words.

so we head into another set of restrictions, 4 weeks to begin on Thursday, I will be working as I did last time, providing food for those families who need our services. I am saddened that the rooms will again close but can accept the bigger picture. To think one person may not have a loved one taken through this virus is motivating In itself.

 I will not seek to stockpile, I will not act through greed, I will continue to work on my physical and mental wellbeing, I will offer my time to anyone who needs an ear to talk to.

 I believe I understand the damage to life isolation can bring, I isolated myself from the world for prolonged periods in the past, I was ashamed of the way I often felt about myself and life as a result.

today I believe that the only shame would be if I didn’t share the ability I gain every day to be worthy of the life I have been gifted.

 The door is shut between myself and addiction, it’s opening many doors as a result 

look after yourselves, be kind to yourselves 

just for today 

Duncs 

Dunc,

Nice post.

Same to you - take care.

Keep working on yourself, keep working to help others. Everything you do seems to be worthwhile and very rewarding. Good stuff all round. 

RR

Evening dear diary 

my dear friend I have just got in from another GA meeting, I am so thankful that the authorities have let the rooms remain open throughout this latest lockdown, I have to say that my mental wellbeing is in a greater place as a result and although sad as a fact but good as an outcome new members are walking through the doors of every meeting I have attended in recent weeks. Addiction didn’t lockdown, online gambling didn’t lockdown and bookmakers opened up after the first lockdown long before the rooms reopened.

 The joy of sharing the principles of GA and seeing the person return the week later and again the following week looking less in turmoil and like they give a hoot about themselves is a healthy reminder of what addiction will do, addiction has no boundaries, there were no limits to were it took me, I myself was morally bankrupt when I sought recovery again in January, something I accept was far worse than any financial loss I incurred.

GA offers a dose of medicine I accept that I will not find on a pharmacists shelf or through any other means, it’s a dose that’s free and given unconditionally by folk who have shared the same pain through their own actions.

 I accepted my life had become unmanageable, that my life was in rapid decline through my acts of self destruction. I didn’t hit rock bottom, I accept that I could have played to the end, for me it would have been suicide.

 I am truly thankful that I got off my ride before that point, I am able to live to make amends where possible as a result and continue to live to become the best version of myself as a result.

my reward is a sense of growing inner peace and self worth.

 I am able to accept life on life’s terms as an outcome.

today I choose life warts and all 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change 

The courage to change the things I can 

and the wisdom to know the difference 

Today those words are my mantra, those words enable me the ability to breathe, take a step back and assess any situation before taking action.

every action has a reaction 

I accept that selfishness and selflessness work in harmony, as a result I respect them equally.

Today I have a growing desire to live in harmony with my inner self, I accept that I am worthy of my own kindness, I am worthy of the effort I give to maintaining my own self mentally, emotionally and physically.

as a result I am able to share the wealth I create.

 I choose life as a result, one on life’s terms.

 I accept the outcome of life’s current circumstances, they are testing, I believe I am embracing them for what they are.

 I read on a very thought provoking post earlier that if it wasn’t for the fellows family, children and dog they would have sought to end life.

 I am not ashamed to write that I have harboured those feelings, I carried them for thirty years and more, I will be equally honest that today without shame I would write that list the same the only difference I would put my beloved hounds first, I enjoy a bond with them both I can honestly say I haven’t with many humans, they give unconditionally every day, they have saved me from myself countless times, they are my lights guide.

abstain and maintain 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

busy week this week my old friend, I have work some ridiculous hours getting ready for our relaunch next Wednesday and tomorrow I have my Sunday roast delivery service fully booked again, tonight I cooked off the dishes for the new evening menu for the owners which went well.

 I managed to get to two GA meetings this week, both full of amazing therapy and I dosed myself up with the desire to remain gamble free and live using the principles of GA in all aspects of my life.

 The twelve step program my guide, I accept what they gift, I am motivated, inspired and have a complete conviction to using them to be the best version of myself.

 I passed through 300 days without gambling and equally sober from alcohol in equal measure. I grow in my confidence that I made the right decision when I decided that alcohol either replaced gambling with regards to my search for escape from my mental state and equally gambling fuelled the addict inside.

 I accept that the season when alcohol is a contending factor in folks celebrating the festive season, for me the truth is I can have a far more enjoyable time sober, so I will continue abstaining.

just for today 

Duncs 

Good Morning Duncs,

Great post. You are on a mission. You are so fully motivated and determined to succeed. I love it. I love reading about that type of commitment and desire and how it translates to a total zest for life. Your passion is contagious.

Keep going. Keep giving everything to your life. 

RR

Evening Duncan,

Always happy to read an update from yourself. Personally i take great strength from the words used and actions you are taking.

Stay strong.

Best