Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Evening dear diary 

balance fella thanks for your kind words and taking the time to write on my thread, I know that you have had your own problems to deal with so I am greatly humbled by your words, I am today fully committed to a life in recovery.

 I am just back from another GA meeting in a different room which I took so much from, I was so inspired by the pinning that happened tonight, a truly inspirational person received a pin for four years continuous abstinence and the turn around their actions have had had a profound impact on so many folk, I am further inspired to get to as many meetings as possible to take and give to the rooms as much as I can.

 I went out with Sarah today, she spent the night and she gave me a commitment that I honestly didn’t expect, last night she gave me back my wedding band, something 43 days ago I gave to her and asked that she made a deal to give me six months to prove myself worthy to be her husband. Last night she gave it back and replaced her own wedding band back to her finger and said that she doesn’t need six months, that she is in every sense of the word my wife.

 I got very emotional, I cried and was truly humbled and overwhelmed, from it I will continue to walk the walk and rather than talk about what I am going to do I will live through the actions I take.

 I accept that life is different today but it is honest and I am comfortable and wholly committed to creating change.

outside my own little corner of life the world is in a pretty chaotic situation, I have an uncertain immediate future with work, my boss has reassured the staff that he will do everything in his power to maintain the business, but hospitality is going to be changed for the immediate future and long term I fear that many people will have their lives changed, tomorrow we are going to look at ways to maybe diversify to maintain some income but I accept we are not alone in the market, I accept that the outcome will be of the creation beyond my control so I will maintain a level head and just like recovery live a day at a time.

 I wondered tonight if and when GA meetings will be affected and took steps to ensure a good level of contact with members of the fellowship can be maintained even if not in person but through social media.

A great sense of belonging was the result, the desire to ensure everyone has the essential things they will need if measures get tougher in time and more restrictions and made.

these actions are a far cry from the actions I took as a functioning addict.

for today I am as a result truly inspired 

just for today 

Duncs 

Dunc,

That was a lovely post to read. You have a good one their in Sarah and I’m delighted that things are getting back to normal their. From your posts, your family has always meant everything to you. They want you to succeed and be the person they know you are. We all want you to succeed. So there it is. Its up to you buddy and you’re certainly doing all the right things. Keep going, keep improving and stay focused on the things that are truly most important to you.

RR

Evening dear diary 

RR fella I intend to continue walking the walk, it is having a profound effect on my life 

So 50 days since I arrested the next punt, I have given recovery as much or more effort as I did feeding addiction and I have found a constant desire to better myself and the way I live my life as a result.

 I had a strange day today, first I had to deal with four fellas that were quite racist towards the staff in the cafe they normally reside in, I then had two ladies, a mother and daughter who had been shopping for the mother and were very despondent about their fruitless trip, I gave them a toilet roll and some potatoes as a result and in return they came back in after their lunch and tried to give me a lottery ticket for tonight, I explained that I simply couldn’t accept their kindness as I am a recovering compulsive gambler and that resulted in them getting upset, I gave them the ticket back in agreement that if the ticket was to win they would make a donation to a homeless charity in Portsmouth. Then a regular customer explained that from Saturday he will self isolate because he has copd and he doesn’t know what to do about his mum who he cares for as she is 96, I assured him that we will help where we can and gave him my phone number which resulted in him crying.

 I thought about the fact that if this pandemic had occurred previous to 50 days ago my reaction and the outcome would have been profoundly different to the actions I took today because frankly I wouldn’t have given a fookety f**k because there wouldn’t have been anything in it for me, how selfish and sad but that is the act of feeding addiction.

night off tonight, I am thankful that I got to go to the gym for a couple of hours and I am home safe and fed well.

now I plan to snooze and finish the book I am reading.

tomorrow I will get myself to work early and face whatever comes my way with a genuine smile on my face 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

no GA meeting tonight as the city council has closed all the community centres due to the current circumstances we all face, I touched base with a couple of members of the fellowship and have received a group WhatsApp invite from another room I visit who are planning online meetings whilst we live through the circumstances we find ourselves in. It’s great to see folk going the extra mile to ensure that recoveries are still able to be focused upon which fires my resolve further.

 I understand that life will be different and will review and adapt one day at a time, I accept the things I cannot change will be part of life.

 I equally understand the value of community and communication are paramount in these testing times.

just for today 

Duncs 

Morning dear diary 

I will not lie because I simply will not entertain lies in my life, today is going to be a difficult day, our eldest son is 26 years old today and I will only be able to celebrate by means of the message I have sent as our relationship by his choice is finished. I stole from him, lied to him and for that I fully respect and accept the outcome and the consequences that result. I will quietly celebrate alone in my thoughts and I simply wish him well.

 In truth this is the result of feeding addiction, I have seen it for over eight years in the rooms yet foolishly said well that won’t happen to me, well it did and I will carry the consequences for the rest of my life.

 I equally understand the strain it will create on the relationship it will have between myself and Sarah, but in truth I can only in the situation continue with the path I am treading, that my own recovery is the most important thing I have to aspire to continue with.

addiction has taken from me far more than the money, in fact the money is in sequential, I can replace that but you cannot buy a new son in any shop. I will simply have the memories of the good times we had and be able to ensure his good health is retained from a far.

its painful I won’t hide from that fact, I type with a tear freely running down my face, I am not ashamed to write that.

just for today I will maintain my honesty 

from that I will behave in a better fashion 

Duncs

Hi Dunc,

I read your post today and felt sad for you buddy. I didn’t reply immediately but returned now to read it again.

I believe you and tour son will rekindle your relationship in future. He’s hurting now but time is a healer. All you can do is your best each day and in time your son will realise that your doing your best and becoming the person you truly are. 

I don’t have much more than that. Take care and get through a sad day. Who knows how great tomorrow may be.

RR

RR thanks for posting fella as I wrote the outcome is a result of me actively feeding addiction and I will carry the consequences of that for life, I accept that I didn’t find the courage to seek the help I have sought today and I will remind myself of this next time addiction comes knocking at the door.

so dear diary today seems to have been a day were my resolve has been pushed to it’s limits at times, we had a very long and emotional meeting when I arrived at work and the result was a decision was taken to close our business down from 3pm today, we agreed that for moral reasons we would close that we simply were not complying to what has been asked with regards to the request for social distancing and we all emotionally charged closed the operation down and from it dont know when we can return. Tomorrow I will go in early and deep clean the equipment so I can have a degree of peace of mind that we won’t return to anything unpleasant.

I left and went to the gym to burn through some pent up energy and whilst there watched the live news conference that confirmed that we had taken the right decision and I was relieved to hear that we will receive financial assistance for the fact we simply cannot work until the government let us resume trading.

equally I then was informed in the same press conference that the gym will close at midnight today and won’t reopen until allowed in the same fashion as my own job.

news that I expected but a hard thing to accept never the less, the gym has been an absolute sanctuary in the past seven weeks, I will continue to use exercise away from the gym, I have armed myself with a skipping rope and I have my bicycle so I will use those to maintain the hard work I have put in since resuming recovery.

so I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster of sorts today, a great deal of uncertainty that I accept I can do little about.

 I am pretty isolated from the world where I am living only a few miles from the city but in a very quiet part of the outskirts of town. 
I am truly relieved that I have self excluded myself from the couple of bookmakers and equally pleased that Sarah has total control over our finances because I know it will keep addiction from trying to re enter the fray as a result of the situation I have found myself in.

 I am pretty sure GA meetings will be suspended and am so pleased that one of the rooms I attend has taken measures to establish an online meeting of sorts.

 I will live in a prudent fashion over the coming weeks and it’s the one thing I take from my active gambling life, I became excellent at living with very little money or resources and that we serve me well in these troubled times.

social interaction is something recovery has given me a desire to seek and I find it has had a profoundly positive impact on my life in recovery, I will seek to interact with folk in as many ways I can to continue with my recovery.

Addiction thrived on circumstances like these I understand the value of vigilance and again communication.

just for today I will be kind to myself 

Duncs

Evening dear diary 

today I deep cleaned the kitchen at work I got there very early before it was light and put in a decent amount of work so I was able to lock the door and leave with a peace of mind that nothing will perish, the equipment will be ready to turn on and there won’t be anything that resonates a bad smell upon our return.

 I then had a conference call with a physiatrist with regards to the accident I had back in 2016 which resulted in an hour and a half well spent 

then I collected the hounds and spent the afternoon with them having fun, pure unadulterated fun

I am fed and watered and am going to bed down with a book until I fall asleep.

which won’t be far away lol

I haven’t wasted a minute I feel I have forfilled every one with something worthy 

tomorrow I will look to achieve the same 

just for today 

Duncs 

I read some GA literature earlier  one thing stood out today 

Remember the distance to our last bet may get longer and longer but the distance to our next bet always remains the same-we are one bet away from disaster.

Evening dear diary 

today I got up early and got myself sorted with a decent breakfast and did some exercises and stretched myself then set off for a solitary bike ride for a dozen miles to the beach in Hayling Island via the old train pathway which is pedestrianised today. On the way I passed the supermarket which at half past eight this morning had no lie approximately 1000 people stood outside and all over the carpark. At the other entrance there was a sign saying NHS staff only were there was say 30 people queued in an orderly fashion with good space between each of them.

 I felt great sadness and shame because why are folk not taking this seriously, people will lose their lives and I anticipate that trips to a solitary beach will be an option I won’t be afforded through other folks actions before long and in truth as a result my mental wellbeing will be tested.

 I spent two hours on the beach, I saw only a handful of people walking alone or with their dogs and I enjoyed the waves crashing and breaking and the harsh wind on my face. I walked, skimmed some stones and collected some beautiful shells for a project I have in mind and I let some emotions that have built up over the past few days go.

as a result my good state of mind was preserved.

 I stopped for a newspaper on my way home and some milk, sat in the park and read for a while and then returned home cleaned and gave my bike a tidy up, fed myself and read the paper which was a great source of factual information as the ucl report on the Coronavirus was printed in full.

then I watched today’s press conference with regards to the Coronavirus and the warning was sterner than before, for social interaction and I believe more restrictions will result in the coming days as a result.

 I will respect whatever comes and abide by the outcome, I am aware that I will be mentally tested but I equally know that I will get through whatever is placed in front of my path.

 I will grow stronger as a result, I will look forward to life on life’s terms.

 The impact of the pandemic is without doubt in my mind going to change everyone’s lives in the future, I hope that the steps that the government are taking will preserve as many lives as possible to see the change.

 I read an interesting article about online bookmakers trying to navigate customers from the cancelled sports events to the online gaming, not something that I gambled on ever but I have met a great deal of folks who have had their lives devastated by so I hope it doesn’t have an outcome that gives more people the effects of destruction that gambling can result in.

As a result of the effort and actions that have taken today Sarah sleeps peacefully at my side. Bless her she has been working so hard at her job in a supermarket she went out like a light as soon as her head hit the pillow.

tomorrow I hope to spend some quality time with her as she has a days rest.

just for today I found a greater respect for myself 

Duncs

Hi Duncan

Good to see you looking after yourself my friend. Keep being kind to you.

All the best

S

Evening dear diary 

today I had the pleasure of waking up with Sarah and spending the best part of my day with her and lily our daughter, we got our essentials from the supermarket, walked the hounds in an isolated area where we didn’t cross paths we another soul and then we had lunch and a good chat with a good few laughs and from it my resolve is again buoyed.

sarah has five early shifts at the supermarket where she works from tomorrow and I have a meeting in the morning with my boss to see if we can establish a food operation to help with the needs of the community. 
this evening I exercised in the local park for a good hour, using the benches to do step ups and press ups and I skipped for a good half an hour, all the while being abused by a group of kids which improved my ability to skip lol as I didn’t want to further embarrass myself lol.

for it I feel better I will ensure I exercise every day in some form or another, it’s good for my mind and will maintain the new waistline I am fashioning. I must have lost 3inches around my waist and I am delighted with the effort I have given to do so.

life is changing for everyone, I will embrace whatever change is required.

just for today 

Duncs 

Afternoon dear diary 

well what a difference to life in 48hrs, I am totally isolated from the world, I will have no social interaction, no human contact for the foreseeable future until the restrictions are lifted, I understand the circumstances and will abide by them and I know my mind will fill itself with some dark thoughts as the days grow, last night we took to WhatsApp for a group GA meeting it was good to see a group of people United to help each other get through this testing period. For me addiction is cut off, there’s no possibility of me placing a punt unless I fell into the trap of the lottery which I haven’t thought about since I arrested the last episode and I will remain vigilant when I venture out for my essential shopping because I know that addiction will be thinking it can re-enter my mind, I will not open the door, I am committed to recovery, I will get through the coming weeks, I will seek new ways to exercise my body to maintain my weight and I will more importantly exercise my mind in as many ways I can. I understand the choice Sarah made to stay in the family home, she works in a supermarket and is still working through this and it’s less than a mile from the house and makes sense, mentally that doesn’t make it any easier and in truth talking to her on the phone mentally makes my mood enter dark places once we finish, emotionally I have grown stronger since I embraced recovery and I will continue to find growth, I understand the value of setting out a routine and will set myself a timetable of sorts to get through the circumstances.

 I accept that I cannot change the circumstances, I accept that I understand the value of what is being done across the world, I am inspired by the actions of folk who have held out a hand to another person in need, I hope as an outcome that society will be brought together in many ways after this pandemic is under control.

please look after yourselves, in time life will improve as a result 

just for today 

Duncs 

Evening dear diary 

I have had a good day, because I understand the value of feeding my mind, I understand that every idle minute brings despair and with that the door opens to the darkest depths of my mind. I have been reading and reflecting the twelve steps, I have in previous occasions stumbled upon step 2, all the literature talks of a higher power, and my mind got stuck with the belief that had a religious connotation attached to it, today I believe that I have been able to break the barrier I had made myself.

 I put my thoughts to the WhatsApp group newly created by one of the GA rooms I attend in the wake of the restrictions on movement and the answers, opinions I received helped with my thinking because I conclude that the higher power of many different forms carry a common theme, by and large the higher power for many is something to aspire to but without question in return and from that true hope is created.

 I am so pleased I voiced my thoughts because I took a great deal from what was written in reply and I will be able to approach the steps with a greater sense of belief.

 I had a long talk with a fella who came into my life recently through my change of job, he has a wealth of life experience and is happy to share his learnings.

we discussed isolation and the fact that solitary confinement in the penal system is given as a punishment, because it’s plainly brutal to leave a person with nothing but their own thoughts, from that I understand what happens when I am isolated from my community, whether that is family, work colleagues or the fellowship and more prudently when I am not actively feeding addiction when I self isolated as part of the process unwittingly. I sink rapidly into a mindset of deep inner loss, of no sense of belonging or believing that another soul cares for my wellbeing and in moments of despair I listen to the callings from the dark side of my mind, it twists my thoughts into more self loathing and from that a wantant desire to self destruct. 
I will break these thoughts and emotional feelings because I understand the ever decreasing circle they create and I have lived that life for a very long time. 
I created the circumstances through live in jobs as a young man and I have found myself in this situation throughout my adult life.

 I accept today that a proportion of my current life experience is beyond my control and the circumstances that I have caused through feeding addiction have brought the rest but and today I can see the but, life in the past eight weeks has been profoundly different, I actually have a true relationship with my wife, I have a job which I actually enjoy for all the reasons I should and I have returned to the fellowship, in fact I have found three rooms that for very different reasons will all have a bearing on my life in the future, so today life although on a temporary paralysis of sorts has for the first time have a true sense of hope in it.

for that I am inspired 

just for today 

Duncs

Dunc,

Thanks for the kind words and support on my diary.

I’m glad you’re doing well and really putting in the work that is required. This is the way.

I’m so impressed with your weight loss and dedication to fitness. I have always been dedicated to fitness but I don’t lose the weight that I so desperately want to. You cant out train a bad diet and I simply eat way too much. If I could get the calories right I’d drop a stone in about a month. Frustrating cycle for me when it comes to this.

Take care.

RR

Evening dear diary 

today has been another productive day, I have been busy behind the scenes with regards to my workplace which will have a profound impact when we are able to return and I am pleased with the effort I have given to it, I have exercised hard today, done my washing, cleaned and mentally I have started to lay more foundations to my desire to live in accordance with the 12 step program.

 I have taken a great deal of time to read reread them and I know that I am prepared to commit wholly to a life 12 stepping.

 I also understand further every day about taking life a day at a time because with the current circumstances I understand out of my control that things change on an hourly basis and from that I know that plans could be short lived.

 I have taken to watching the headlines of the news rather than letting my mind become embroiled in the other agendas that seem to be unnecessarily brought into the situation without them being of any use other than folk trying to out trump one another.

 I am very interested in the fact of the matter but I understand for me the underlying point scoring produce an unhealthy state of mind.

 I found myself thinking today why aren’t pictures of children having fun with their families being added to boost folks mental wellbeing, this by default is a great opportunity for children to learn so many things about life that schooling simply doesn’t cater for today, cooking, repairing things, wiring a plug and gardening are all things of a bygone age, and folks could have genuine fun in teaching these things.

 I don’t believe offsted will be visiting homes lol and maybe children could be shown the joy in life rather than being points tested and being a statistical outlook.

life will change dramatically in my mind as a result of the current circumstances and I have a growing hope that communities will be better United and again people will have a greater importance in life.

just for today 

Duncs