A new dawn

Dear Diary. 30 days gamble free and a fair bit to reflect on.

Another good day at work today. I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to listen to someone talk about an aspect of my sphere of work that has left me feeling highly motivated and inspired to change something. A genuine eureka moment. I am beginning to find my feet in my new role and my confidence is starting to rebuild. I have connected with the inspirational person and asked to be a part of their mission. That's what I am calling what they are striving to achieve because it really did seem to be so important to them that it is clearly one of their reasons for being. It was great to feel real passion within myself again.

Tomorrow one of my elderly cats is going to the vets for an endoscopy. I am writing about this for a couple of reasons. Firstly, my pets are really important to me and have seen me through some difficult times. However, they are masters at hiding their own pain and illness. I am hoping for some positive news about my old boy tomorrow. Secondly, an endoscopy for a pet is an expensive business. The good news is we can afford it. I wouldn't have been saying that a month ago. The money is in my account, ready to be spent on its intended purpose. It is hard not to think about what might have been if I was still gambling. I know with a degree of certainty that I would have spent the allocated money on fuelling my addiction. My cat would have got his endoscopy some how, but it would have inevitably been funded by borrowing. It feels embarrassing to think about that but facing the consequences (real and potential) of my addiction is important to my continued recovery.

My hubby arrived safely at his work destination late last night and we spoke this morning. We had a video call so we could see each other. How fab is technology. He was pleased to see me bright and breezy. I hope it gives him some comfort while he is away.

Tomorrow I have a day off work so that I can do what I need to for my cat. I have booked a pottery class to keep me occupied during the day. I am looking forward to making a mess and hopefully something constructive at the end ?

Thinking I might take a break from my diary for a couple of days. I just need to pay attention to something. Nothing sinister. 

Pleased to read that you are getting your life back on track Murlo and congratulations on 30 DGF.

I hope the endoscopy helps to identify what is troubling your cat so that he can be healed.

Take care over the next couple of days whist you are away from your diary. It is always there as and when you need it.

Stephen x 

30 days is brilliant. I will worry with Hubby being away and you not posting. I don't like the idea of you not having some form of support. Just being honest. I hope you are okay. 

Drama x

Hope your cat goes on OK. 

If you don't write down your wise words today then think them. 

Take care.. Boo x

Good morning, thank you all ?

I am ok and not completely opting out. I will still pop into chat. 

Day 31 gamble free nearly over. 

You absolutely rock! I am VERY proud of you! 

Lot's of love from Drama xoxoxo

Oh getting so closer to the weeks end also.

Well done. 

Love to Mr. Whiskas.. 

Nite n bless.. Boo x

Thank you both ?

Good morning diary,  it is cold and crisp outside, a lovely morning. Christmas market starts here today so it will be a bit mad trying to get around for the next few days. Hoping to get some time to pop up to have a wander around today as it is locals day and sample a gluwein or two. 

Today I think I will be able to write a bit about my last couple of days but that is for later. 

A good day to you all x

Oooo a cliffhanger... Love it. 

Enjoy the market. And how's Mr. Whiskas. 

Boo ?

Thank you Boo ?. My seems quite happy in himself this morning, wouldn't know he had a procedure yesterday!

Dear Diary, day 32 gamble free.

I am back. Very short interlude, I know. I just needed a bit of time to adjust to some bad news and to check that it would be ok to write about it. Diary, this could be a bit raw in parts but I am going to get down what is in my head anyway.

On Monday evening this week, my nearest and dearest friend told me that she has brain cancer, secondary to breast cancer. I am utterly devastated. I genuinely mean it when I say I love her. It didn't feel right to talk about my day without talking about my friend, or to talk about my friend without her consent. That is why I didn't want to write anything yesterday. Tuesday's diary wasn't true to how I was feeling but that is ok, no need for a post script.

As well as being completely rocked by the news of her terminal illness (she only has months to live), I have had to find a way of working through something that she wants me to do that I feel unable to fulfil. She asked if I would be happy for her to get me appointed as power of attorney. She has no family and lives alone. If I hadn't been a compulsive gambler, I would not have hesitated. But I am, and I just cannot risk being responsible for someone else's affairs right now. I am only just beginning to look after my own again. Thankfully I told her about my gambling addiction some time ago which made the conversation and solution a little bit easier. My hubby has agreed to take on the role. So there it is, another impact of my gambling addiction.

Right now, I am feeling as though I will never, ever gamble again. My friend's wish is to die in her own home and I want to be the best I can physically and emotionally to make sure she can have her wish. That is where I know I can make a difference. We have talked about her death a lot since Monday because for her it is the one certainty in her journey over the next few months and has to be sorted. Tomorrow she is coming to stay for the weekend and we will talk about and plan the things she wants to do in her life. She refuses to call it a bucket list. I can't wait to spend some precious time with her. She will be joining us for Christmas too so I have good reason to make this year's a special one now.

I guess it's not a surprise to say that I have been thinking a lot about my friend's cancer and the fact that she will not live for long. It is ripping me apart to think that just over a month ago I came within a hairs breadth of taking my own life because I was afraid of facing up to something (my addiction) - it's why I don't like Sundays. Watching my friend face up to something unimaginable with such strength and dignity is awe inspiring. The last thing she needs right now is for me to be a crumpled mess, so I am not going to be. She has been there for me in my darkest days and I remember her saying to me "you chose not to die, just get on and bl**dy well live!" I think she had an inkling even then that she was facing a shortened future. It is my turn to be there for her now and I am not going to get that wrong.

Yesterday I also received some unwelcome news about one of my beloved cats. He has a tumour in his stomach. No decisions made about next steps yet, awaiting the results of a biopsy. He may be 17 but he is a major part of my world. I am hoping for the least worst news to be honest.

I have surprised myself a bit about how I have dealt with what the week has thrown at me so far. I haven't crumbled, I have drawn strength from the way in which my friend is handling her news. Maybe I have some resilience returning. Only 6 more days before hubby returns, maybe he will see a difference in me.

I don't really have much else to report other than to say that I am still gamble free and a thank you to gamcare and chat/diary buddies for helping me along the way, I wouldn't be where I am today without you x

Firstly so saddened to hear your news and secondly thank you for sharing this painful experience with us. 

Friends come along and steal our hearts. They are steadfast and true. I can't imagine how you have negotiated all this over the last couple of days single handed Almost with hubby being away.

There will be many whys what's and ifs over the next few months. . I know we are not actually present in your life but would like to think we can offer some strength and support. 

I will take your lead in diary and chat and however the conversation needs to be directed I hope I am able to tune in to help with your feelings. 

There's little more to say. Thinking of your friend. Yourselves and Mr. Whiskas.

Love to you in your saddest of times.. Boo xx