Well it has taken me nearly a week to start to put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard).
I have been a compulsive gambler for just over 3 years. Started because a friend suggested I would be good at matched betting - using the free sign up offers given out by most sports books to make a bit of money. In the beginning I was pretty good. Made some money and benefitted from it.
Then the story becomes familiar I guess. Made a bit of money, reversed withdrawals, lost it all and tried to chase it. Time and time again.
To cut a long story short, I have built up significant debts 3 times in 3 years. Twice betting on sports and once in the pretence that it wasn't gambling, trading shares.
Last Monday I hit rock bottom. Made a plan to take my own life and gambling even ruined that - spent every penny of what I needed for my plan on one last bet. How ironic that gambling saved my life...
After a long call with the samaritans and gamcare, I found the strength to speak to my family and the darkest of clouds lifted.
I am extremely lucky to still have their love and support. I wouldn't have wanted to stick by me and I know I will not get another chance.
Anyway, I am here and I am grateful to be alive. Ready to tackle my addiction.
I don't yet understand why or how I got to where I am but I guess I will need to if I am going to have a successful recovery.
I am here to learn and here to beat this. The first few day felt easy but today was the first time I regretted registering with gamstop and regretted handing all of my financial affairs to my better half.
Now when I read that it seems ridiculous. These blocks have stopped me from placing a bet and as I finish the day, I know that I will sleep soundly. Not worrying about how I will make back what I have lost.
The biggest thing I could lose is the love of my husband and family and I am not prepared to risk that any more. I know it won't be easy but I am ready to give it my best shot.
Good for you, my best advice is be honest with your husband, if you feel the urge to Gamble tell him, if you have fallen off tell him. Let him help you and always remember he loves you. I have taken control of cards, we have tracking on his phone so I can see where he is, I have called the betting shop before today and told them to tell him to leave. He is now only allowed a small amount of cash, he is banned from all online gambling and all local betting shops. Good luck, Keep posting how well you are doing the support on here is great.
Much to reflect on on Remembrance Sunday.
Thank you for reading and responding to my first diary post, it means a lot to not feel alone.
This is day 7 for me and think I am doing ok. I have thought a lot about gambling this weekend, sometimes because I want to gamble and sometimes because I never want to gamble again. Importantly I have “thought”about gambling - It hasn’t been pleasant but in the past I would act without thinking.
Need to work harder on being completely open and honest with my husband. He asked me a simple, direct question this morning and I failed to answer truthfully to start. In the scheme of things, it was a really minor issue and I don’t know why I didn’t fess up straight away. I could see it hurt him. Yet another mistruth.
Anyway, must continue with the housework for now. Have a good day all
Day 8 gamble free.
The chat room last night was inspirational and got me through my first real moment of doubt.
It was going to happen sooner or later - one of my family members completely lost it with me yesterday. It took me by surprise as I had nothing but words of kindness and support since I told them even though I know I have hurt them all badly. I didn't cope well with it to be honest but time to move onwards and upwards. I can't expect them to believe in me or trust me right now I have to earn that back. Today I want to prove them wrong, I am going to beat this.
Start my counselling tomorrow and looking forward to it. My first few days felt fairly straightforward. Now I am quickly learning that there are many things (some really small) that happen each day that test my resolve. So far I have dealt with them but I am recognising that I am still very vulnerable.
Have a good day all
It seems a lot has happened over a short space of time. We are so glad to hear that your mood has lifted. You are doing well to confront your gambling head on. It is positive that you are able to get the appropriate support for yourself through treatment. Also that you are able to share and get support and positive comments from the forum and chatroom users, who hopefully in turn, will be equally supported through your sharing.
Take good care of yourself,
Your first post grabbed my attention.
I'm not gonna sugar coat anything, so here goes, this slog is for the long haul, it's not easy and will be very confusing as you step back on to the path.
The experience you recently had with a family member is unfortunately gonna become the norm as you take the long road to not only your self respect but regaining the respect of others.
Theres lots of questions your gonna need to ask of your self and also to find your path of educating with regards to this very sly-EST of addictions.
What's missing Murlo, what dot isn't adding up ?
Our minds crave order - despises Chaos. Dig deep to why you went for the latter.
I wish you well
I have been thinking a lot since my first counselling session. Thinking about some of the challenges that the counsellor put to me - what do I want out of counselling? What do I want out of my life? I knew as soon I had uttered the words "to stop gambling" that it was meaningless, and not enough.
So what do I want? I want to be the person that does mad things that makes my husband happy, I want to "want" to be with my fiends and family, I want to do all of the things that I love but have avoided. And I want to care about myself again.
I know it is going to be a rocky road ahead but I feel nothing but gratitude for the support that I am getting to get through this. I don't like who I am now and I am the only one who can change that.