A Listening Ear.

Hi Amba, 

Thank you for being so open about the way you are feeling. Recovery can be very unsettling in the early stages and this is normal. Gradually, you will find that you can adjust and cope better as you move forward and leave the gambling harm behind you. I am sorry that you lost your husband, grief is multi faceted and  through time you are likely to have experienced many feelings.... We are glad that you have the one to one GamCare support. You are always welcome in our chatroom and on our helpline/netline ,but please just take things at your own pace.

Be kind to yourself, you matter.

Best Wishes

Fiona 

Forum Admin  

Hi amba, I'm so sorry about your husband life is extremely cruel. You are still actively grieving and you are raw, and I 100% understand the need to escape I've done it. But amba gambling is not the answer and never will be I'm nearly 6 months gamble free now and I can say with conviction it's not the answer it makes things worse and I can say that with a clear mind. I don't know what it's like to lose a husband but I dealt with miscarriages with gambling and wish I hadn't its blighted me on and off ever since only now I'm dealing with everything . The addiction was always there waiting, when I eventually had my lovely son I was consumed with motherhood gambling was still there but very in the background. Took off again massively with life changes I had to stop working as a nurse and my son reached teenage years and our relationship changed ( as it rightly should ) and I got very lost which is what you are feeling I'm sure. My addiction then gripped me and turned me into a liar, deceiver, very secretive....a person I hated and loathed so fast forward my son is nearly 16 and I'm 6 months into recovery and mentally feel better than I have in years a cleaner life all round. Wish I'd found this site years ago but hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? I'm not saying our situations are any way the same but the underlying addiction is the need for escapism is, common to most people on here. Grief has very clear stages what I don't want for you is that escaping causes you not to grieve properly, I never grieved for my lost babies and it has rebounded on me several times intensely but recently with my clear mind I've mulled it all over and put them to rest in my mind. I hope you can find your way through your grief without gambling and find some peace, you are doing all the right things, keep talking, keep posting..You can do it you're stronger than you think

Hello Diary

I don't know if I should carry my diary on. It's full of negativity. It's not what people need to be hearing.

I tried to stop gambling because it was making me feel "seedy". emotionally-detached and guilty. I needed to regain some presence of mind. some sanity, clarity and self-respect. I thought not gambling would mean I developed unending patience towards human-kind. 

The present situation for me is that I've mentally and emotionally collapsed and have had to have mental health team intervention as well as having a gamecare  counsellor. 

I hadn't and have not gambled since 18th November. Just the blink of an eye really. Since not gambling I've had to sit with things that I've been running from for many, many months now. And it's not pretty.

I'm sure if I tried I could find a way to gambe but I know I couldn't emotionally deal with the pain that the regret of doing so would bring. The strange thing is I don't even have a desire to gamble. 

The one thing I do know is that the comfort blanket of gambling is all just an illusion. A "friend" you think you have in times of need. But it's a two-faced friend. I know we all realise that. 

When I first joined the forum I read a poem by a member and I so dearly wish I could remember who'd written it. At that time I was reading through the eyes of someone that didn't know the reality an horror of those words. That was a truly privileged place to be. But now I do know. 

I wish I knew where that poem was on the site because I'd find it and quote it for all to see. 

Hi amba, I'm sorry you are feeling so rough, and I wish I had some magic words to help. Please don't stop posting you need help and support and that is what is at the heart of this forum. I use my diary as a reminder of how bad I felt then and how I feel now and as a stark reminder of what relapsing would do to me. One day you will be better it sounds like you are now getting the help you desperately need and then you can look back on your diary and see how far you've come. You are more likely to stay gamble free if you engage with the support and advice of other compulsive gamblers. Life is really tough for you don't make it worse by retreating. Take care amba, you can do this

Dearest Amba you are a part of the gamcare community and we need you to be here alongside us as we all set about rebuilding our lives.

Together we are stronger and you are admired and respected by your gamcare friends.

I am wondering if the poem you are referring to is "I Am Addiction." It was given to me on a card when I attended Gamblers Anonymous and I remember seeing it printed somewhere on the forum. I will not print it on your diary because it might not be the poem you are thinking about and you might find it upsetting.

Take care dear friend.

Wishing you contentment and happiness throughout the coming week.

Aum x 

Hello Charlie boy and Aum.

Charlie boy I'm mortified I missed an earlier response from you and thank you for your latest one. I'll re-read them and reply as soon as I'm able.

Aum thanks so much for replying. I can't respond just now (I'm mums carer) but I will when I can.

Hey don't ever apologise I understand. Reply when you can ok just don't leave you need this . 

Hello again 

1) Thankyou to Fiona for your note on my diary. I'd have said thanks earlier but I don't know if it's me but I don't always see people's replies on my small screen device till I switch to a bigger tablet.

2) CharlieBoy.

I just have to say a huge and sincere thanks for sharing your personal story on my diary. That was very kind of you. I can see you have been through some really heartbreakingly difficult stuff. Yes you are so right, escapism is the common theme many of us seem to experience. You've done loads to help yourself and deserve the peace of mind you are building for yourself. Kindest regards to you.

3) Aum.

Goodness me Aum thanks for naming that poem for me. I didn't know it was a well known poem, I thought it had been penned by a forum user. I looked it up and read it again. Sadly, I am now reading the words knowing how they feel. At the earlier part of my gambling life chapter they were simply words, words I could attach no understanding to. How things change. Thanks Aum, I appreciate your help with that.

Hello Diary.

Haven't gambled since 18th/21st November, not sure which.

Been referred to Gambling Clinic NHS. Not sure if I'll follow it through, don't really know what to expect.

Had all kinds of phone calls from professionals this last week. Don't want to take medication for anxiety. I'm not against them, just scared of them.

I hope to write on my diary again soon and I'm sending love and kindness to all who have left notes for me.

I desperately don't want to gamble but feel on the verge of succumbing to the temptation of escapism that gambling gives you. But we all know what gambling gives with one hand it takes with another. There's always a price to pay and it's a hefty price that doesn't appear on a bank statement as any gambler knows.

Its just that it's another battle on top of other serious issues in my life and I feel beaten. I've never tried it but I liken it to having to hold your breath under water - you can do it for a while but at some point you have to admit defeat and surface above the water. I know I don't have to admit defeat, but I've run out of resilience, hope, determination and staying power. I'm just too, too tired.

I know I must sound terribly sorry for myself but I'm unable to cope with major life events right now and d am just so very exhausted.

@amba rather than succumb, can you talk about the issues you're facing every day. It helps me to vent, although normally at a GA meeting.

Remember too, if you go gambling to escape from life's problems, once you finish those problems are still there, normally made worse through the gambling!

So what's on your mind? Call an adviser if you can't share it on here.

Chris.

Hi Amba, sorry you feel so rough and whilst I understand the " need to escape " gambling is definitely not the answer, as Chris said the problems are still there and made worse by gambling. I still feel the need to escape...health issues...stale marriage etc etc. But I cannot express to you enough that gambling again would kill me I have worked so hard to get this far and I won't give in. Once covid is over I'm 100% committed to finding something for ME I'm not sure yet but it will be something that is fulfilling . You have also worked hard to recover gambling now would be a disaster for you. Please use the helpline, post to us on here, anything that will occupy your mind. Take care ❤

Thinking of you Amba and hope you are feeling better today.

You have been traumatised over recent years and it is understandable that you struggle with negative thoughts and emotions but you know with absolute certainty that gambling is not the answer to your difficulties.

There should be a way forward whereby you can  live a comfortable, meaningful and contented life. You may well feel sadness at times but you will be able to address it safely and constructively:

Please don't make impossible demands on yourself.

Please let your loved one's know how you feel so they can be more supportive (if you would feel comfortable in doing so).

Please treat yourself with kindness, understanding and be supportive towards yourself.

Please forgive yourself for anything real or imaginary that might cause you feelings of guilt or unworthiness.

Please take steps to maintain a fit and healthy body and mind with regular exercise and a nutritional diet.

Please look at all the positives which include the kind, hard working and generous nature of your good self.

Please respect yourself.

Love and best wishes.

Stephen x 

Hello Chris UK, CharlieBoy and Stephen. Thank you all so very much for your kindnesses. It was really thoughtful of you all to reply.

Like a lot of us I think, Gambling was my barrier and now that is gone all my struggles are laid bare, in the cold light of day, There's nowhere to hide. 

Its "loss" mainly ChrisUK that I'm trying to cope with. The bereavement of my Husband in the past through illness , loss of a sibling relationship, loss of my Mum as she was from Alzheimer's and the anticipatory loss that goes with that. Bereavement of a family member. I'm also finding it incredibly hard emotionally to witness Mums Alzheimer's alone. I'm one of 3 siblings but have been taking the strain on my shoulders only. The added challenge is that Mum doesn't want a "carer" and is a very reluctant and defiant patient. I can understand that she objects, but it's hard to cope with the outbursts nonetheless.

I feel guilty for whinging as I'm aware of the difficulties many are facing right now. Its just that I'm losing the ability to keep going emotionally.

All the best to you good people that wrote recently. I wish you all peace.

@amba Relapses don't tend to happen instantly, they normally started a while before the actual placing of a bet, and if you feel like you do then I don't know anyone who would object to you writing about how you are feeling, especially if it helps to get it out of your system and stop that progress towards a relapse.

Loss is terribly hard to deal with but talking about these things is a wonderful tool to have, albeit talking to another person about how you are feeling or just putting it on paper like you have.

The other thing is not everything that's written needs "fixing". It's sometimes just nice to vent. 

Keep well.

Chris.