A glimmer of hope

Yo, well done on your 19 days ! Only gambled twice in ten months shows you can do this , it looks to me that you are taking every step you can think of to fight the addiction. It’s my belief that the demons inside us play on our low self esteem, what’s done is done , beating yourself up for it atchieves nothing but more sadness and can weaken your resolve .Part of your fighting back needs to be being kind to you , and accepting and acknowledging that you are doing every you can to keep this addiction at bay . I wish you well , I hope that my words have encouraged you to break the big stick you are beating yourself with in half . Yes I remember the shame and discussed I felt at the stupidity and the hurt I caused others but try to focus on the future not the past .......just for today .......Shiny

Another day, another gamble free day.
GA meeting last night was good, busy and with more new faces. So many people with such similar stories but it's keeping me going and keeping me focused. My gambling and debt had gotten bad but it could be a lot worse and both the meetings and these forums remind me how 'lucky' I've been to be found out now before things got any worse. They're like my daily medicine.
Anyway. Doctors appointment today to see about some counselling and / or therapy. My mum is diagnosed bi-polar and my dad is currently on antidepressants so I will mention that just in case it's relevant.
So, onwards.

Day 25...

A lovely weekend, but also a depressing weekend on some respects...
Had family visiting and also friends on Sunday, which was great. Lovely weather, some nice dog walks, some nice food and a couple of glasses of vino.
Only depressing when the conversation turned to money, pensions, holidays and stuff and I stay very quiet and feel like an idiot for all the money I've wasted standing like a zombie, like a total t*t, in front of slot machines. What a waste of time and so much money. Am managing on the whole to be positive and feeling good about the future, but still can't help hitting myself over the head with a big stick.
I know the advice is to be kind to yourself and to draw a line under what has passed, but it's hard when friends are off to Hong Kong, Cambodia and Thailand on holiday and because of my stupidity we're not, basically!
Anyway. This seems like a bit of a rant, but I'm grateful for everything I've got and am lucky enough to be looking forward to a week in the Highlands at Easter - our first holiday as a little family.
Again, I'm thankful that I got found out before things had gotten so much worse.
GA meeting tomorrow for my weekly 'medicine'...

Day 26....
Visited the parentals yesterday - my last day time visit before I start back at work next week. Visit was fine and the monster was a good boy and had lots of giggles for his grandad, but I came away feeling really quite low and flat for some reason. Couldn't put my finger on it and felt that way for the rest of the evening. Just generally lethargic and with a can't be bothered attitude that I just couldn't shake. Anyway, had a relatively early night and the monster slept all the way through til 5:45 this morning, which was bliss! The first time he's done that since before Christmas. We had a lovely cuddle in bed for a half hour before getting up, including with the dog and so I'm in a much brighter mood today.
Getting my 'back to work' haircut shortly and then going to make the most of the little one being at nursery today and have another go at the garden. Still feels like hard landscaping rather than gardening, but it will get there and its good to see each little bit of progress. Not so good feeling the aching back and arms the next day kind but I suppose that's another reminder that I've done something proactive and positive.
GA meeting tonight but not sure I feel like saying too much at the moment. My emotions / mood have been a bit up and down this week, but no urge to gamble at all.
My mind has been mainly occupied with thinking about going back to work. Half looking forward to it just to get back to some normal routine, but also dreading it. It's been almost 11 months so I think it will be hard to get my brain in to gear and back into work mode. And if course, my real test will come when I'm back on that blooming motorway and trying to avoid those service areas. Got the blocks in place so should be fine, just worried that I'm going to get myself angry and worked up about what a mess I got in to in the first place. Hopefully in time I will be able to stick my fingers up at the places as I drive past, safe in the knowledge that I am so done with this gambling nonsense and back on track.
The GP last week was lovely, very understanding and I didn't feel like a total loser when I was blubbing and telling her that I need some help. She didn't think I sounded like there was an issue with being bipolar and suggested that I probably have some self esteem and anxiety issues. Been referred for some talking therapy initially and just waiting for a telephone assessment first to decide on the best course of action. That's not until 11/3 by which time I will have been back at work for a whole week!
Can't think of anything else to write for now. Back later....

Day 30.....
Generally feeling positive and in a good place these last few days, though mind is still very preoccupied with getting back to work next week.
Been quite stressed out trying to get blooming payroll issues sorted out but hopefully that will be sorted next week, after which I can work out my monthly budget and think about the best approach for debt consolidation... I hate this limbo period where I don't know how much I need to pay back to work after they messed up my maternity pay. Can't believe how incompetent they've been. Impossible to budget when I don't know how much pay I should have expected for the month. Anyway, staying on money and finances, my partner has lent me some money to clear one of my credit cards today, so that I've got a card that I can use purely for work expenses now. Mixed feelings about it. In some respects it feels like a 'bail out' and like I should be feeling the pain of paying it and the interest, as a punishment for my stupidity. I feel guilty that my partner is having to help me like this, but I am grateful as it means a bit of breathing space and should help my credit score when I'm considering a loan, and I can pay it back without interest. Feels weird though. Even though we've always lived as though we have a joint account and joint finances it doesn't quite sit right that she's having to lend me money. I don't know, can't quite articulate how I feel about it. I feel like I should have the entire responsibility for paying back the debt. And although I will be paying it back, she's paying indirectly too because she'll have to subsidise for some stuff that I had previously committed to paying for. We've talked about setting up a joint account too so thats something to look into next week maybe.
On a different note, GA meeting on Tuesday was good, though not as well attended as usual. Said more than I thought I would and also tried to contribute a little when others were sharing their weekly updates. Don't know whether that was helpful or not!!
What else...? Signed up for the 2019 guru challenge thing - just fog to remember to check in on a Sunday!
Think that's it for now

Day 34...

This week seems to be going by really quickly! My first few days back at work have been OK and not as bad as I expected.

Been too busy to think about gambling and only wanted to get home to my SL, LO & TO on Monday when I was driving and so I sailed right past the services without a second thought. Long may that continue!

GA meeting last night was fine again. There is such a mixed bunch of people there; age, gender, background etc and yet people's stories are just the same as mine on the whole. I take some comfort knowing I'm not alone in getting sucked in to this black hole but it also makes me so angry about how easily and quickly it can happen.

I know there is no 'fix' for this and that I need to continue to fight this addiction probably for the rest of my life, but I still feel at the moment that I want nothing to do with gambling ever again in any way, shape or form. One day at a time but again, long may it continue!

Finally making some headway with my payroll issues and that should hopefully be sorted by the end of the week. Looks like I won't have to pay back quite as much as I thought, which will help with some credit card repayments. Just hoping my next payroll will be correct!

Too sleepy to write any more so signing off for tonight. Back soon and keep racking those GF days up...

Hi Kate, it’s good to see that you are doing so well - well done. I’m similar to you in some respects - 37, female, supposedly intelligent and sensible, yet this has happened! I relapsed a little today and feeling guilty but not going to let this beat me! I have all of these dreams of paying my mortgage off and travelling but it’s not going to happen if I keep doing this.

Reading other people posts really help me to rationalise what is going on a I need a wake up call to stop me from doing this!

Every day is a new day so let’s all work together and beat these demons

Day 42.....

Havent posted for a little while and didn't get to my meeting this week so thought I'd best check in.

Still feeling positive and confident that I won't gamble again.

Been trying to work out finances with help of my partner but it's been awkward with the payroll saga, though it's now finally resolved. Woohoo! Paid back what they worked out they'd overpaid me and it was a bit less than I was expecting so i was able to pay a bit extra off credit cards. Payday tomorrow but its still tricky to work out what my actual monthly take home will be as this month's payslip still looks messy because of the adjustments from the mess they'd made last month!

Anyhoo. Trying to get a plan in place is good and helping me to fel back in control but it also makes me sick thinking of the money I've wasted and the time that is lost for saving while I'll be paying off debt. Just so annoyed at myself. I know it doesn't help to keep whacking myself with a big stick but I think I need to keep feeling that particular pain for a while yet.

Had phone assessment following the counselling referral and now waiting to hear about a recommended course of action to help address some anxiety and self esteem issues.

Work has been OK so far but had to miss an important meeting on Tuesday as we've all been hit with some gastro flu bug thats knocked us for six. Looks bad that I've only been back a week and a half and already had two sick days. Can't be helped I know, but just worried tat it looks bad to my colleagues..

Anyhow Friday tomorrow and working from home. Looking forward to the weekend to carry on getting the back garden sorted. Have filled a skip this week with old paving slabs, concrete and garden rubbish. Quite the workout without the cost of going to the gym!! And three is some noticeable progress now - almost ready to start actually planting stuff - yay!!

Right that's it for now.

Hi Kate, can’t believe I haven’t seen your diary sooner...Another huge shout out from a supposedly intelligent 40 something who has the world @ her feet!

I came here a few years ago and much to my surprise managed to abstain relatively easily after a glittering (not) gambling career that spanned about 3 decades...Simply stopping almost sent me round the bend! It’s only with the help of GA, working the program & the incredible support from my loved ones & people I have met on my recovery travels that I have finally managed to turn my life around & feel @ peace.

You have an awful lot going on in your life @ the moment (congrats on the baby by the way) & whilst I hope that you always feel strong & like you will never gamble again, the harsh reality is that @ some point, the urges may strike. I too was a fruit machine J****E: bingo, shops, service stations & then onto the bookies & I had to surrender my finances to stay safe. Even then, when the urges did strike, I began meticulous planning about how I would gamble & not get caught. Fortunately the amount of time this took was enough for me to come to my senses. Self exclusion is hard because we can gamble with cash or cards so I only used a card that my now hubby would know instantly if I had gambled on it. It also had a limited cash withdrawal amount for damage limitation & the accountability afforded me an extra layer of “don’t even think about it” (in more colourful words)!

Since I stopped pining for the should have, could have, would haves I have been much calmer person but agree that drawing that line under money lost was a vital starting point. Learning not to take anything personally also vital...If you are sick, you are sick, it happens. Keep up the good hobbies & remember to let your partner know how much you love her - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT for the comments

So day 48 is not going too well so far.....

I've been monitoring my credit rating for the last few weeks with a view to applying for a loan to consolidate debts. Rating. Is pretty good as never defaulted on anything and with some help I've managed to redece down my credit utilisation ratio. Up to last night I was getting loan offers with a good rate and high chance of approval but when I looked last night my chance of approval has fallen off a cliff.
not sure why, as I'm in a better position now than I was a month ago....
credit report indicates it has been updated, but the credit balances are at least 2 months out of date....
The only thing I can think might have changed is if my income is reviewed as this would show a significant drop between November and February due to being on statutory pay instead of full pay. This is now back to normal but how far behind are these credit reports??
Anyway, its a mild inconvenience as I now shouldn't apply for a loan in case it is rejected, so will keep paying credit cards and monitoring the credit reports until they have caught up, assuming that is the issue.

On another note, I managed to start the day by opening a phishing email at work which then autoforwarded to all uk employees (2000+) as well as my external contacts.

A lesson in how NOT to get your name known at work.....

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!!

Day 61....
Been to GA tonight but come away feeling quite flat for the second week in a row. Not because I'm struggling to not gamble - that seems to have been surprisingly easy since I got found out - but just because the sessions have been pretty heavy the last couple of weeks.
it just brings me back again to being thankful that I got found out when I did before it got any worse

Also feeling absolutely knackered after a rough weekend where we've all had a bout of a 24 hour tummy bug. The little man started with it first and it's worked its way round all three of us. Feel like I've done a few rounds in the ring.

Still feeling very guilty about money and how much I've wasted. I think this is probably exaggerated by the fact that my partner has transferred money from our savings to help reduce my crefit card debt. Its not a bail out as I know I will pay it back, but it still makes me feel a bit sh#t if I'm honest and that's stupid I know, because if anything, it shows me that she still loves me, still thinks of us as an 'us' and wants to help get us out of this mess as quickly as possible. I think I must just be good at beating myself up for something!!

On a positive note, it HAS felt easy so far not to gamble or to think about gambling. I'm comfortable in saying that that's because since I got found out, I've lost all interest in gambling and anything to do with the time wasting, money eating, energy sapping, confidence draining affair altogether. GA tells me not to get complacent though. It's only been 61 days. 90 days to make a habit, 90 days to break a habit. Apparently.

Still no further forward in understanding why my loan offering might be worse now when I'm in a better position than it was 4 weeks ago, but hey ho. It might be a question that only my bank can answer... Not worrying about it for tonight but would like to get to the bottom of it soon. I may post a general question elsewhere on the forum to see if anyone has any thoughts. No one at GA seemed to know what might be going on.

Anyway. Best sign off for now as got an early alarm in the morning. Dropping my partner at the station as she's going away for a few days for work. Let's hope the little one sleeps well too, as we could all do with a solid few hours...

Until next time

Day 126...

Been ages since I posted - partly due to the new site structure and trying to find my diary but mainly because I've just been so busy! I've still been reading lots of posts and I tried to post a couple of weeks ago but got an error message.

Anyway. Things are generally good at the moment and still no urges to gamble. Work is very very busy and quite stressful which would previously have been a trigger for me to zone out in front of a slot machine but I've been trying to leave work at the door and just focus on getting home to my little gang.

My partner continues to be super supportive and regularly checking in about how I'm feeling about everything. She's continued to lend me money from our savings to pay off my debts and by July I will be debt free as far as the banks and credit reporting agencies are concerned. Just got to start paying back to savings then. Still a long way to go but feeling so much better about money generally.

Talking therapy is going OK. I must admit to being a bit skeptical about some of the suggested strategies for coping with stress and anxiety but I've tried to be open minded and give them a go and whilst there's not drastic improvement, things are definitely a bit better.

On the meetings side of things I've missed a few weeks now because of work and so that's another reason that I thought I'd best try and post here, just to keep fresh in my mind that this is a journey and that I shouldnt fall into the trap of thinking I've arrived, just because I've notched up 4 months without gambling.

So. All good at the moment. Looking forward to a visit from my mam in a couple of weeks time and then a week away around the Yorkshire heritage coast in early July with the gang.

The garden is getting there now too. Planted clematis, pyracantha, cherry blossom and a pear tree in the back and, finally (thank goodness), had the front turfed so it no lo get looks like an ex building site with a wild meadow growing over the top of it! Lol

Next I'll be complaining about how often I've got to cut the grass....

Til next time x

Ps not sure why f a l l and c u t were asterisked out - maybe I'm just not down with the lingo of the youth of today and those particular words have other meanings or connotations!