Dan's Diary

You could alway's watch all the back episodes of DIY SOS :)) LOL

haha - that's not a bad shout!

day 132gf

Like many others, I spent years using bad credit options to fund gambling - I've resisted trying to make any claims but decided recently to try asking the questions. Most payday loans were over 6 years ago but just had a response bascially saying I still owed money - they've now clarified that the debt was sold to a third party. I'm sure I have always settled my debts (eventually) but now caught between phoning the third party company to clarify it was all repaid and leaving it to avoid any contact being used to chase me for money.

I was in a really bad way in that regard when I was also moving house 7 times in two years - I house shared and moved with work a couple of times and also three times because houses were not good! So there is a chance I missed something! Absolute nightmare - talk about triggers! today I will choose to not gamble though

Not only have I spent 20 years gambling, I've also spent 20 years gambling money that has left me needing to borrow money which I have then gambled so then I have fallen into arreas which has given me poor credit which meant I have had to turn to high interest, poor credit options which mean I have become more desperate, increased stakes, gambled more, buried head more, watched interest rates and charges mount up, ignored debts as they have been sold from one company to another, more charges. borrow £200 - spend it in ten minutes - owe £250. Borrow £500 to clear the £250, gamble the £500, suddenly you owe £1,000 and so on.

It starts with one bet. What have I done to my life!

Today I will not gamble, tomorrow I will not gamble.

I will get fully out of debt (bar mortgage) and I will buy an ice-cream for my kids and sit on the beach, enjoying the sunset.

A challenge to myself. A post in success stories on day 500.

The debt will decrease in time Dan and I'll look forward to reading that post marking your 5th Century :))

Stay safe fella :))

Well done Dan. I love what you write at the end of each post "today I will choose not to gamble"

It is so clear in your posts just how remorseful you are re the hurt to your wife and children etc. I guess that is helping you stay clean. You are so positive and determined. I really admire you.

After all I said about logging off early too!

thanks GMH - I see you posted at 3am too!

day 133 - feeling guilty as I rounded up and typed 135 somewhere else today! tsk!

time off coming to an end, many jobs not completed, I hate that feeling, emails up to 236 in just 10 days, deleted the quick circulars and it dropped to 184 - great!

oh well today the sun is shining and today I will not gamble

134 days

Hi Dan

Me and my insomnia eh?

Just reading your other post about your marriage problems. Totally shocked that you are about to become a dad again. Not sure why that shocked me, of course addiction doesn't switch off for pregnancies etc. Wanted to ask you a few things but not wanting to upset you by prying. I guess the info in in the forum but you have so much stuff on here.

I can understand your wife being snappy irritable and also get that you are not mentally strong but right now she doesn't care about your feelings and I think that's something you'll have to try to overcome. I guess she's worried about extra financial pressures with the extra child, extra stress on family etc and understandably blames you. Pregnancy should be a time of joy and excitement and is probably blaming you for tainting that. I guess it is all part of actions vs consequences and you coming to terms with what you've done. Totally get though that you need support too. It sounds as though you are doing everything possible and can't physically or mentally do more.

I have to say that no matter what has happened in the past I really do admire you for being honest and open with her. Many partners never get that. You are doing brilliantly and in time she will see that. Keep doing what you're doing and I'm sure your gorgeous new baby will do some healing.

Thanks GMH,

Had a tough few days there and do find myself posting a lot here, especially when I can feel triggers bubbling away - a desire to solve financial problems overnight, a wish to be able to treat my wife and children, a spa weekend or something, - whatever really, just my mind always defaults to spending money. I suspect a lot of that is again connected to feeling like Ive never had any money. My dad passed away young - I inherited a tax bill and three black marks on my own credit file! Still as I now realise, it is always me that has made the choices to give in to my addiction.

I've had some precious memories from the last week or so, all free ones that are also priceless and for that I will be eternally grateful, as for my next chapter, who knows - I just need to make sure there is no gambling involved

best wishes and thanks again for the post

Hey CG, just wanted to pop on over & say "keep going"!

Try not to stress too much about being on the site...5/6 times a day huh? I do that in a minute when I'm @ my most manic (not to say this is be be encouraged of course)! When you've gambled as long as I have, it's a relief to have something to dip in & out of...Finding a harmless 'transient' addiction made the switch from gambling to not, smoother for me.

The problem with 'crying wolf' all these years is that our loved ones have to desensitise & become immune to the promises so that it stops hurting so much when they are broken. My mum has sworn to me so many times that it's over & all the time I was gambling too, I really thought it was as simple as that. I wanted to believe her so much that I did, over & over & over & over again. Just like I look @ people who tell me they've quit smoking & when I ask for how long, they tell me in minutes & seconds, in a confused way, no-one gets this unless they have really been around it!

I know life is incredibly time precious for you @ the minute & you are effectively rolling solo but do you get a lunchbreak? I have never tried it but I have been told that the Headspace App is worth checking out? I concur with the GA suggestion because you will find invaluable real life support there if you can somehow fit in a meeting.

I understand your impatience but that's what kept us in our fairytale life way past it's sell by date. Try & look after yourself as you do what you can for your loved ones & take each day as it comes - ODAAT

Is that just a thing with addicts, that they need to spend money. I cleaned the cupboards out yesterday.....6 bottles of ironing water, 5 different full bottles of surface cleaner, a box containing about 25 expensive spot light bulbs. I used to joke that if I sent my husband to a shop that only sold bread and bricks, he would come home with a reason why we needed a dozen bricks. I laugh now but last Christmas I sent him to Dunelm for something (can't remember what) and to my utter amazement he came home with said item plus a giant moose head for the wall. Kids loved it, I was speechless!!

Nothing at all wrong with keep logging in here, 6 times a day, 20 times a day! Nothing wrong with running around your back lawn naked.....anything except give in to those dumb urges. I think the only treat your wife needs Dan is you staying on the right road.....which you know you can do. You're doing a great job! Keep going!

Catch up later ODAAT, much to discuss!

Dan ! If you think I'm coming around to do naked lap's in your Garden youve another thing coming , I'm all for support but..................!.

GMH , It could have been worse and you might have found 6 Moose heads in the cupboard ? but Yeah , I did waste some money as well on pointless thing's ! .

On a more serious note and for what it's worth I think your doing a great job too , just keep working the plan and I'm sure it'll all work out my friend :)).

Talk to you soon Buddy :))

well i've been in the garden all afternoon and not a single naked person in sight!

20 years of gambling and self neglect, you dont wanna envisage this dadbod anyway!

many thanks for everyones support and kind words, i read earlier but no chance to reply, it's been a massive help today though, feeling more on top of things again

best wishes all