Actually, I am going to type more, I want to keep myself honest and open.
I am getting closer to applying for a mortgage and recently met with a broker, it really is quite sobering to be faced with the consequences of my addiction so vividly. It is hard to hear that the interest rate will be about 4% higher, the borrowing capacity 80% of what it might be and the deposit needs to be 15%. basically the low end of mortgages, all as a result of not taking care of my finances, sure gambling didn't give me the black marks on my credit files but it was a priority and one that came before paying bills. To borrow enough, I will need to look at a 5 year fixed (solves one dilemma I guess) but that will be fixed at a higher rate that 95% of people and means around £3/400 a month extra being paid. That comes from family funds. My choice to gamble for twenty plus years still has a significant and stressful impact on our lives. That consequence is one I have to face and one I have to accept and I do. The hard part is that my wife, children and close family also have to see that impact. for five years, even at the lower end £300 per month, for 60 months, or £18,000. think of the holiday and life experiences that could and would buy. Wow.
Yes I did have very brief thoughts about just taking the 'deposit' money we now have, go on a massive binge and hope to 'double' up, that would 'solve everything', only it wouldn't of course it wouldn't. Then, after another month of zero wins on premium bonds (My wife's choice and name, not mine) I turn my mind to the stock market, investments, even the safer ones would yield a better return but no, I can never do that. In the same way I now refuse to take part in raffles, that is a door that I must not, do not want to open. Well I do, I'd love to open that door actually, I would love to dabble in stocks and shares but I do not want to expose myself to that risk.
All of which brings me onto a big point. I have owned my addiction this time round, I have made choices, decisions and I am very remorseful that I did not understand the extent of my addiction, my behaviour or the impact on others anywhere near the scale that I should of. I have had professional help and I am still trying to learn about addiction but I have not tackled my behavioural traits fully. I can feel it, I can feel the addictive personality creeping into my life in other areas, the deceitful, devious character is still there, I have not face into that fully yet. It still impacts on my relationships and yet I still deny it to myself. I still take some strange, deprived pleasure out of punishing myself. I am not ready right now but I must not ignore this and I must get help to understand why.
So many questions and so many thoughts but I should be working and need to crack on.
Why Dan, why are you choosing to not fully tackle this.
Hi Dan .
I think our " behavioural traits" are pretty much part of our core or DNA ? , I like you notice thing's about myself, how for instance I replaced the addiction of gambling to the addiction of work , it started out purely as a way of keeping myself busy but I really need to keep myself in check these day's so it doesn't escalate .
I'm not sure I'll ever be at peace with the way I am but like yourself it's all work in progress my friend :))
It is what it is Dan but don't let it put the dampers on what you've achieved so far , be proud my friend :))
many thanks - a great read though, hahah, not sure about that, it's bit like treacle in places, namely from pages 1-12! haha, cheers though I really appreciate peoples comments - especially when I don't post on anyones recovery diaries, at least not very often!
take care all
I am a compulsive gambler, yet for today I will choose to not gamble
Hello Compulsive Gambler,
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mmm, its been a while and I feel a bit disappointed in myself but equally I have managed to stay gamble free and have ticked through the 800 barrier, which is a pretty good feeling, life is mega busy but still has pockets of wasted time - I just know many of those used to be filled with a desperate gamble, feels good to not be doing that