7 months of not gambling only to return.

Hi Dave,

It is good that you are using the forum.  Thanks for sharing your powerful poem about gambling as 'Financial suicide'.   As some of our forum members can experience suicidal feelings, I should flag up the Samaritans freephone 116 123 in case you or others want to talk about these feelings https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

You mentioned that with work commitments and Covid restrictions that it isn't easy for you to attend local GA meetings.  You might like to consider 1-2-1 appointments with GamCare treatment services by telephone or online videocall, in case the treatment services can offer you appointment times that are more convenient for you.  

Please call us on freephone 0808 8020 133 or on the netline if you want more information or feel like chatting, we are available 24 hours a day.

Take care,

Adam.

You lived 7 month fighting back against gambling because you thought there is more worthwhile to do or to offer the World by not doing it. You need to tap back into that sense of meaning to find the strength to do so again. The main target is to beat 7 months but setting regular targets and coming on here regular is something I've added to what I do - a sensible idea! Ps nice poem

I do apologise as that is the context of money more so than a individual or myself but well highlighted. I will try to make some connection with the website more and live chats as I could do with one, over the phone or net.

yes maybe instead of thinking I have lost 7 months of being away from gambling I should take each day as it comes and attempt to beat that 7 months away from it. Thank you for the support s3v3n 

Well I have been trying to support others during my forum posts and I have found how scary it can be some times with some of the responsibilities some other people have that are rather greater than my own.

I have managed to do well to not think about gambling or trading because of all the other problems in my life at the moment, I feel I have done a lot of damage to myself and others around me in away.

financially I am ok and stopped short of a massive disaster  thanks to the site and my will power to want to stop gambling.

I of course have debts, but they are manageable in the short term, personally I just want to get on with my life and I started too only to repeat myself when moving forward by gambling again.

hopefully I can resolve some issues in regards to my living situation at the moment, I just want some privacy but I don’t want too feel isolated at the same time. I feel I somewhat isolate myself in many ways in which can turn me to gambling. Hopefully I can better myself moving forward in a more social aspect and find some thing I love doing.

Hello Dave. Hope all is well and you are enjoying the weekend.

Just read through your diary and feel sure you have what it takes to continue living a meaningful gamble-free life.

Your poems here and on Deano's diary are very thought provoking and have helped me in evaluating my own recovery.

Aum ?

Thank you so much for the reply Aum, I appreciate it a lot!

i was expecting to have no replies on my return today, the weekend has been a mixture of good and bad in a way. Most importantly I have not been gambling and have kept up my barriers to a certain extent as I did browse a old project I used to follow which is just another way to me to end up back at day one.

I am currently having relationship issues at the moment as I don’t feel I love my girlfriend anymore and it’s just died in a way, mostly because of my selfishness and gambling in the past. The thing is I love spending time with her tho and doing things with her but it’s all just so hard with other things ( living situation) 

I don’t have many friends and I don’t really talk much about my relationship to anyone to be fair. I promised to her that I would come back from Germany where I was working and I did and got a new job in November last year. Now 7 months have gone by now since I have been back and I don’t feel like me and my girlfriend are moving forward in any meaningful way and I feel stuck and unloved too. 

What I find astonishing about this situation with my girlfriend is that she has always had more debt than me and I am the compulsive gambler for pete’s sake!! I offered to help her a few times and she refused every time saying she would pay half for everything we do.

during are 3 year relationship I have paid more than half for some holidays etc because my income was always higher than hers and that seemed fair to me at the time. But now when we want to move into a place I will be covering the majority of the costs because I sat down with her and went over her finances and I genuinely feel sorry for her as half her monthly wages go on repayments for debt. 

in the mist of this insane situation she wants me to move closer to where she lives now which is in the city and I work well outside of it and would be a hour drive to work and probably a 45-50 min drive back from it during my night shifts.

Anyways I comforted another problem of hers today to do with her having so much stuff at her place and not clearing it out. In all fairness she doesn’t drive but I have offered to help clear it out with my car. ( pretty much a hoarder)

as you can understand the loneliness of gambling and having no one to talk to about it has always been hard for me and she has stuck with me through a lot so I fear leaving her. 

I am a mixture of emotion about it all and I feel I have already done the damage in away and there is no way to repair myself or help her either with her problems.

I feel bad dumping this post here but all I can do is tell the truth and hope for some support in away.

dave101

Well I ended up having a lovely weekend away with my girlfriend, currently looking for places now! I had a couple conversations about places to live and I think she gets it that I may have to move out by myself first due to the situation.

I guess I am going to keep enquiring about different places and hopefully I get lucky. I need my independence and need to start doing a lot more positive things for myself so I am hoping this step will help me move forward and together with my girlfriend. It gives her the option of coming over anytime and having are time together with no 3rd party in a way. 

ideally it would be great to move in together but there are some many barriers in the way of that that the option above is the only answer for now. Hopefully I can still save and send money to my father while renting to potentially buy a place. I currently want to sit on the fence with that as prices have increased massive in the market due to many factors. With that in mind it always looks like they are going up in price which is a warning in its own right.

anyways I won’t think too deeply about that and just plod along and get some more freedom in my life while being gamble free too. 

wish me luck

dave 101

Well the weekend went well, I registered for a few places for a potential place to rent. Fingers crossed.

spent the Saturday and Sunday with my girlfriend and all went ok and I think she gets the message reference my above goal. 

first time since last year I did a BBQ and cooked for my girlfriend. I must say I am good at BBQs and I am a good cook…. Maybe some thing I should pursue.

anyways my car had issues this week  and I got a new battery…. I haven’t fitted it yet but it needs replaced.

hopefully I can do that tomorrow.

gambling wise a phycological barrier was broken and I spoke about a old project I was a follower of. Hopefully that can be the past after today.

I hope everyone is alright and gamble free

take care dave101 

Well I missed a viewing on a place to rent this week due to my work hours and waking up late. My right arm hurts a lot from work and is trying to recover. My girlfriend doesn’t listen to me and it’s just fading away at the moment as I haven’t made any plans with her this weekend.

I am having to look for a new job as I am unsure of how long I will be at the place I am currently at. I am in a unmotivated mess at the moment and need rest too tho ?

anyways I guess Sunday I can try do some thing with my girlfriend or focus on other jobs like My CV and applying to places.

gambling wise I can’t even afford to think about it at the moment.

anyways I hope some ones reading

take care

dave101 

Hello @dave101, 

Thanks very much for updating everyone on where you are at the moment. It sounds like you have a lot of difficulties at the moment with home, relationship and work. But you've not mentioned gambling at all. Hopefully this means that you are staying strong. Sounds like you are learning to incorporate life's difficulties into your recovery. 

Do keep posting and keep everyone updated on how you're doing. If you ever feel the need for more support, please do contact us on the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or by Livechat. 

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin

How am I doing:

Well I have sent off a application for a potential property to rent, job search here and there but still employed currently. I am just thankful I am 81 days gamble free at the moment which is awesome. I of course have had thoughts but have put them to bed easily.

I am about to go on holiday today to wales with family and I am looking forward to it!

also to note I am very proud of my sister who got a first in her mathematics degree  with the open university. I have got her a card and some bubbly and looking forward to a good chat with her about what she wants to do moving forward. I guess my only advice to her would be to follow what you love!

I guess in hindsight of the above, not many people think of love when writing on a forum for gambling addicts but I can truely say I do not love gambling or the addiction that runs through me but I sure love the family and friends that I have and hold dear.

keeping my chin up and and a smile on my face as I tackle the world and the addiction at the same time.

my go now I have a long drive todo tomorrow, I hope those who follow and comment enjoy the more upbeat me

take it easy

dave101

I had a dream the other night, it was a recurring gambling dream in which I enter a casino of sorts and all I can see is penny machines at the arcade those ones that push coins down like putting 2p’s and 10p’s in. Funny enough in this dream I found a load of 10p coins in the tray at the bottom and the prizes on top were chocolate bars and not money strangely enough.

anyways I steer clear of the machines and head to the shop their to buy some collectible coins and strangely enough this time there were none.

the first time I had this dream I walked in played a casino table game and won lots of money to buy collectible coins only to wake up into the reality that I had won nothing.

due to this most recent dream I wasn’t stressed nor did I have any anxiety Like I did the last time when I woke up. I was more annoyed I couldn’t buy collectible coins with the money I found in the tray when I woke up.

I recently purchased a collectible bronze Roman coin back in the day when you couldn’t gamble on the internet, this was before my dream 

I am not too far off 100 days now and I can only hope this most recent dream as a some what turning point for myself and way of thinking. 

one of my patterns in the past has been:

buy collectible coin

look at precious metal prices

think about trading

trade

gamble ( basically same thing)

back to square one with nothing.

one of the reasons this is significant is mainly due to my past and getting lucky ( if you can call it that) and winning a large sun of money and buying a lot of collectible coins. Maybe with this dream update with my mind is that it’s letting go of it all. I know my consciousness stays away from those things while I am awake I guess I have a deeper peace knowing my sub consciousness is accepting it also.

anyways thanks for reading

dave101

On second thought I shouldn’t buy as much chocolate too.