Another few days done and dusted, no vices intaked so thats great...... been offered some extra hours at work painting and decorating coming up so happy about that.... going to ask for a pay rise in my next review as ill be back down to minimum wage in april....
Another few days done..... Works going well got a one to one next week with my new manager so that's good will see what occurs.
Watched New season of Ozarks really good watch loved it.
Went to flat today and done some work..... Floor in lounge has been cleaned and got all staples and nails out.... It's looking shinny as new loving it ..... It's actually what I would have gone for if I'd have chosen my perfect flooring.... Loving it.
Spent couple of hours scrubbing hallway floor today...it seems to have some concrete or cement over it in parts so trying to get it off....could take a while.
Gonna get a new oven and with it I'd like to update the kitchen on a budget.... Maybe paint over cupboards.... Install new tiles if possible and new lino flooring....one thing at a time tho.... Cloakroom first....paint it.....new tiles....new lino..... New towel hooks....toilet roll holder etc .... To make it look more homely.
That's the new plans then also gonna order sofa, tv stand, chairs, microwave, toaster and kettle..... Then get them all in ...
It's really taking good strides....
Was gonna go down next weekend but my sister's coming over Saturday so mum thinks have a weekend off..... Can't argue with that I'll just chillax....
Recovery going great..... Can't wait to hit 800 days and beyond.....
Missing people's posting on my diary tho but it's a great safe space to put down my thoughts
All the best Adam xxx
Bbb
Hey, good work in your journey this far! Keep it up, your life sounds like it's turning a corner for the better! Truly worth exploring.
As of support and posts....just an idea...maybe posting to others will generate more responses back to you? Not always the case but in the past, I was very fortunate to find a lot...A LOT of mindful souls just conversing back and forwards.
All the best and keep it up!
You got this
S&B xx
Hi adam, really proud of how well your doing. Doing up your flat and moving in is going to be a big step and a huge achievement for you.
Your doing amazing in recovery, keep it up
Stace x
Hi San and stace xxx thanks for popping by..... Yes San good idea.. today I would love to get a post back from Lou to say how she is doing...... She briefly came back to the site to say she'd been back gambling for a while but she hasn't posted on her diary for a while and I've asked after her on numerous occasions... Would love to see her back on the site here to get back to getting the help she needs and deserves?
Had a lovely day off today...... My sister came over with my nephews and niece and played some games.. was lovely to see them ... . They certainly are growing up......
Back to work tomo just the one day off this week as I said I'd do some overtime tomo...... Bit of extra cash......
Was a bit down yesturday and can't be helped we are all down at some points .....
Recovery going well no urges altho I did fancy a glass of wine tonight I must say ...... But I didn't.....
All the best
Adam xxx
I've put photo of my new lounge flooring as profile pic to show u all!!!
It's come up super shiny I love the floor.
Hello my lovely diary.....
Eventful time.... my sister and nephews and niece came over on my day off on saturday which was nice played some board games etc.....I went and did some overtime on sunday (fixed a paving slab, cleared gutters, moved some flower pots, filled in some massive pot holes and tried to fix car park lights) all great to do different things, then my nephew tested positive on sunday and i got a track and trace text so i texted work manager and have to get a pcr before going back to work...... So this morning 845am i was in car park doing pcr and now awaiting negative result so i can go back to work tomo.
Good thing was i will get paid for today and i managed to do a few hours at the flat sorting out the hallway flooring whilst my dad painted the skirting boards in the lounge....
One more coat on the skirting boards and lounge finished too...... so i am going to start to take dvd shelves and stereo down soon
Plan of action:
1) Paint skirting boards lounge.
2) Order sofa.
3) Order another dvd shelf.
4) Take lounge things to flat.
5) Finnish washing flooring in hallway.
6) Get quote for carpets and order.
7)Start kitchen and Cloakroom.
That's enough to get on with over next few weeks!!!!!
Recovery going great.....Budgeting going great...... All the best Adam xxx
update number 1) and 3) have now been done horray.....
Ill order the sofa on saturday.
Then ill take my stereo and dvd shelves down on sunday.
Been off work sick today felt like i did after vaccines headache, glans up, achy etc...
Took some paracetamol plenty of fluids, couple of baths.
Then had an idea for work so done a presentation quickly and sent an e mail.....
Looking forward to getting into my flat been looking at computer games today retro ones and if i can find my old ones in loft ill take them to my flat for some entertainment when friends are over!!!
Mental health wise saturday night was pretty bad but i didnt take any extra meds and controlled it so that was good. Heard a few voices recently whilst ive been at work which doesnt usually happen.
Negative pcr, then just posted another one today so should get results soon but should be thankful im negative i guess with my nephew visiting us and having it now.
Recovery going well im not thinking about gambling anymore its a distant memory, i think not being on facebook really helps as i dont see the adverts as much now.
also i dont play the free poker now on fb so that helps to not be thinking wow im great lets play for money or go to the pub etc..... ive not played a game of free poker for about i guess a year now so thats great.
ive bought a shirt and a jacket this month 48 pounds 70% off retail price, yep pricey full price 79 and 59...... and in total i spent 1200 after bills exactly for the year from april last year..... so two weeks ago i thought lets try to keep it to 100 pounds a month for the year ie not spend any money thru feb and march.....ive got ten pounds for a couple of coffees but it will be super tough to not spend anything.... lets see what occurs. However 100 pounds a month is a great achievement... on top ive put things for flat and not counted them eg paint, laptop, tv, etc but after bills its 1200 exactly so thats great. 2016 was 8k so ive come a long way.
Im rambling again but i like to on here its my sacrid special personal space.
all the best adam xxx
Update......been super ill!!!!! I've literally been in bed the whole time coughing with temp...
Phoned go this morning as I've been off for six days now.... He signed me off till 15th.....
No sleep last few days and surprisingly not feeling as bad as I should be.....
Looking forward to feeling human again......
All the best Adam xxxq
Hi diary, update 4 days later, im still off work ill till wednesday the earliest but think ill have to have an extra few days to a week off as well as still feeling pretty ill (coughing, fatigue, not eating etc) think if i went back to work straight away it would be a shock to my system.
When i do go back im thinking a staggerred return maybe three hours a day at first would be best,.... have to see what they say.
Starting to feel human again although it really knocked me for six over first week.....
The fact im writing on here is a sign that im getting better i feel (the last time i wrote i was supper ill and couldnt write much.
all the best adamxxx
Hi
You hit a mental low point do you think you were emotionally vulnerable and feeling sad.
Not gambling and drinking means you have stopped from abusing yourself and your body
Once I did this myself I found facing my feelings and emotions very empowering and in time healing.
My gambling and drinking were in effect more anti social hiding suppressing my feelings and emotions.
Being more aware and having clarity was the opening of my having a healthier life in reducing my fears in every way.
It is healthy to re read diary and sharing sessions so we become more aware of our self.
It is also healthy to understand see more clearly our self.
Where we were were we are and more importantly more healthy choices in our life.
Recovery program helped me at my job and I also reduced my fears and increased my own confidence.
I now understand how unhealthy I was living with all that stress anxiety which were all fear based issues.
It is very surprising by taking my recovery seriously my motives and decisions over time became much healthier with healthier consequences..
By becoming much healthier the time with my family was more fearless and healthier interactions and closer intimacy.
In the past by being so unhealthy I was not aware of how much I was missing in my life.
Well done
Thank you
Dave L
#hi dave, thanks for your thought provoking response.... when i was down was i emotionally vulnerable ? and feeling sad? Ive tried to look back to my diary today to find out but i can only see a time when i was down which related to my independence and resulted in me wanting to stay with folks here and curl up and not do anything...... i think it stemmed from change and the unknown? whether i should move out away from my safety net of home living. Ivwould say i was very emotionally vulnerable every time i have these thoughts..... and as a result of these thoughts sad too.
Yes once you stop a number of you vices at the same time you do feel empowered and essentially you have to be careful not to seem over confident and not brag about it as there are people who are really struggling with it.
Ive come thru these thoughts now and come out the other side... im now looking forward to living both with and without my parents...ill look to make the best of both worlds..
thank you dave.....
Adam
Hi Sam
In our sharing the fears reduce and we can interact in a healthier way with like minded people.
In saying we are emotionally vulnerable does not mean we are weak people, the truth is we are very much survivors and by healing our inner strength and our healthy boundaries increase.
Is your feelings towards independence more about isolation.
I use to get my words of isolation and withdrawal mixed up.
In the recovery I found that I needed more interaction than I was willing o admit to myself.
My control issues were very unhealthy.
You wanting to stay with your folks would be healthy if you are mixing with them.
By me doing nothing I was not resolving and not healing.
I can do nothing for a few days then I become aware that I am not being kind to myself doing nothing for to long.
If I was feeling secure safe and I was living with other people and I felt I was being healthy and motivated in healthy ways, why change it.
Yet if I feel that I am not able to be myself and I needed my own space that would be healthy.
In my recovery I did not move from home until I got married.
Was I ready for change and to become independent, I am not sure if I was that healthy at that time.
I started to understand that I was not being self sufficient, that would indicate that I needed to put more effort in to my needs.
It took time to understand what was a need and what was a want thing.
For me curling up and not do anything was alright for a short, if it becomes to long I am hiding in my fears.
With regards our parents time spent with them is very worth while if we have a healthy relationship with them.
Just because I got healthy did not mean my parents were not living in their fears.
Once I identified my fears and reduced them did not mean my parents were able to reduce theirs.
I spent time with my mother before she died, it was a very painful period yet very much worth while.
I knew my mother stilled lived in her fears and could not heal from her past.
I said to my mother that in the past there were lots of unhealthy things said or done which caused fears in us we do not understand.
The most important thing today is to let you know I love you today unconditionally, there was a pause and my mother melted in to being more affectionate than any other time in her life.
That was the recovery program working, fears reduced intimacy grew and affection rose from the unhealthy pains of the past.
The affection felt at that time was all part of nurturing to both hurt inner children.
By me saying I was very emotionally vulnerable was sign of my new found strength.
By giving up unhealthy habits and replacing them with healthy habits made me feel so confident in myself.
By becoming more healthy I feel more alive than any other time in my life.
Being confident is not about pushing myself on to other people.
Being confident in a quiet way is helpful in our growth.
Being confident there is far less procrastinations.
Being confident we reach more of the goals we set for your self.
Loud bragging people is trying to impress other people, it indicates that they have confidence issues.
There are people who are really struggling with it yet we can share our self with those people and explain how to heal form our past.
How to reduce our fears.
You are now looking forward to living both with and without my parents, very healthy indeed.
You look to make the best of both worlds..
Very healthy indeed.
No thank you Adam
You honesty sharing and awareness helps other people.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham
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