2021 MY AMBLE TOWARDS THE NOT GAMBLE

Hi i've just started my first week of gamchange, louise is going to ring me each week and ill do the questions each week.  Hoping it will shed some light on why i enjoyed gambling soo much and why it still seems appealing even  tho it takes soo much from you?

I've realised my overall goal for the next ten years is to save enough money to own my flat outright and have enough money to work when i want to rather than when i have to.  I think ill keep working till the normal retirment age but i might have a sobatical or year off when i hit 50.  Thats the aim and should i not gamble or do any other vices then its definately achievable.

Good to have goals adam. Gives us something real to aim for and also long term goals that you know would not be achievable if you were gambling. Good idea to do the course shows you are being proactive in staying gamble free. Well done carry on being you !!

Thanks for popping by charlieboy, spent evening buying seconhand dvds saved myself some money as would have bought on amazon and secondhand is much cheaper.

Got some overtime this week as manager off again cha ching.

In a great place at the moment.

Felt slightly low yesturday after coming back to work , end of holidays and euros loss in final..... but feeling better now.

Just need to knuckle down now earn some more money and look forward to christmas with holidays and new years celebrations of another great year.

All the best Adam xx

Weekly diary update.......  Been a productive week, my manager came back after his two and a half weeks off for one day then hes had to self isolate for five days (maybe more if they test positive).  I'm happy tho as i can do a bit of overtime and keep things ticking over quite easily.

Was going to be working tomo but they text me last night to say that the mri clinic has been cancelled.....  real shame as i was counting the money id make up earlier that day and my next months pay cheque was going to be pretty healthy.....

I went to the beach today with my family, was really nice and hot and the sea was pretty warm in places so really enjoyed myself.

Now i have tomo off tried to arrange something with some friends but no luck so think ill sit in my garden tomo and listen to some music.

Looking forward to a holiday again already.... really should work a couple of months before getting more time off but as the weathers soo nice i think i may put in for a couple of holiday days.

Already wishing my life away by looking forward to celebrating another successful year on here......Theres still five months left almost half of it but i keep thinking come on christmas.....i do also love christmas time but should be thankful for warmer days at the moment and no rain!!!!

Done my first gam change module yesturday and it cemented my thoughts on not wanting to go back to gambling.... Id been thinking about it and in all honesty if i did go back to it id ruin my objective goals of what i want to achieve by the time im 50....  So lets just try to stick with the program.

Managed to get thru the euros without having a drink which is allways difficult.... but i know deep down that sobriety brings good decisions for me, i can still enjoy myself,  not act like some of the idiots i saw in the pubs and not wake dehydrated and remorseful.

I might update again later tonight i'm feeling like analysing things.  

Great to read your update Adam glad you had a nice day at the beach and have things to look forward too.

I did the gamchange course so you know and it really helps you change the way you think about gambling I think it's good for relapse prevention hope you find the rest of the course useful 

Lou x

Started to watch a netflix series last night called Iron Fist, now in it the lead charactor gets put in a mental home and is forced to take lots of drugs and he cant get out.  Now this is obviously the worst kind of viewing for me as ive been in a mental home (albeit only voluntarily as i was scarred at home and only for two weeks untill i wanted to go back home).  However its made me think a bit more about the way that im dealing with my skitsophrenia.....Now ive allways been honest with everyone, work collegues, friends and family but this program has made me think maybe i should allways keep it to myself....  I mean on the face of it im a perfectly sane person and dont need to ever be put in a home.....  If i tell people that im hearing voices, seeing ghosts, believing in all sorts then maybe i will seem to be a dnger to myself and others in the future and will be put in one of those homes that i cant freely get out of.  My dad allways thought it was strange that i freely told people about my illness and this is probably the reason he did.  

From now on i wont tell anyone about my illness and will look to be seen as a fully functioning sane human.

" i wont tell anyone about it"...and you just told the whole wide world ?

On a serious  note,my mum suffers from it and has been for as long as I can remember.  Dad tells me that it's getting  worse as time goes by but to be fair, she is on so many medication, it is not surprising  she is seeing and hearing voices. 

She has been sectioned back in a day also...ohh, and does go to clinic every two years to help her get medication  on track.

My point here Adam, it's rather others know so they can have a bit of incline in understanding  why you behave as you do sometimes.  I don't know how manageable it is for you but I guess its one of the illness which has to be under control  and continued review.

I don't  think it's something  to be embarrassed  off.

You are the same as everyone else and none of us are perfect  and have our own way s we fight. Mine is depression  which goes up and down. My work colleagues knows and so, I believe it helps them understand  my up/down moods and how I deal with things some days. 

Rather be honest  than keep everyone  blind from your emotions and mindset.

Good going  on g free  time, keep it up!

S

The thing is ive allways thought of this  site as being annonomous.

I have my photo on here, and im registered under my email address, but no one i know reads this site, well they havent soo far, my work collegues dont read it, so i feel its a safe place to get advice and put forwad my thoughts?

Thanks a lot sb, sorry to hear ur mum suffers from it, yeah i've allways told everyone everything but in recent years i haven't done anything out of the ordinary.  I get voices a lot but i mostly get them in the evening when im in bed and i just listen to music nowadays and try to ignore them..... i used to get carried away with the story they tell and get into the different world they are describing.  I've not had any halucinations for a long time now and thats better.  

I've just watched some videos coming from others who have the same condition and it puts it more in perspective that its all in my mnid and not real.  I'm hoping my mind will grow out of the skitsophrenia and ill stop getting the voices with time.  The medication  is known to give man boobs that i have slightly, over the years its known to make u put on weight and i have ballooned over the years but am working on that.  It can make you lethargic and not want to do work, exercise etc but i continually work on this.

I just saw the series and remembered when i couldnt leave the ward i was on and not being free to leave somewhere i a very scary experience and i wouldnt want that.

They say 1 in 100 people suffer from it at some point so that shows its pretty common. 

Thanks for the input sb much appreciated, hope ur mum moves to a place where she doesnt have it anymore.

All the best Adam xx  

My sunday shift got cancelled last week so i asked the mri manager whether that would happen again and they said probably.  This weeks sunday got halfed to 5 hours.  So i asked my managers manager whether i could increase to working full time as a porter.  She said she would be up for that.   I would be doing 10-6 mon-fri.  She's gonna check with my manager when he's back but its looking promising...... ill keep my diary posted on any news. 

Hello diary, here's my weekly update.......

I asked for full time hours as the receptionist work was maybe going to end.....Now ive found out that the housekeeping manager wants to step down in hours and responsibility so she might be the new porter needed.....now this means that my potential full time hours have dissapeared..... also my weekend work ends this weekend.....  Now at the time i found out i was actually a bit relieved as it was hot and i was tired so i thought i can go back to working five days a week instead of six..... but it does decrease my wage back from 1100 to 900 again...  oh well just got to think of the positves of working less i guess.

Just wached a film with mum and dad one of my new dvds was really good enjoyed it thoroughly.....

Hello dear diary,

Went to work my last sunday shift today, enjoyed it as allways, ill be looking out for extra work in the future if it comes up again but i will however look forward to whole weekends off work again.  With this in mind im going to go to london for lunch with some friends this saturday (i think)......see how the week pans out.

Ah Adam that sounds like a nice plan ? enjoy x

Cheers stace......Another few days have gone by......over the 600 day mark now......so roughly four months till i hit the 2 years gamble free mark.....Looking forward to that immensely.

I've spent quite a lot over the past few months with the easing of lockdown and euros on etc..... after bills ive lready spent 500 pounds since start of april.....this is more than i spent the whole of the year beofre so im going to try to spend as little as possible over august in prep for an expensive month in sept with holiday and wedding to go to.....