December 2019 about a week before Xmas I admitted to my partner and mum I had been gambling and it was a massive problem which was effecting my mental, physical and emotional health! Hi when I won something (although never really profiting as I’d always be borrowing and repaying money to people) if I lost (£100 and £100 of pounds) I’d feel anxious, I’d be panicking, I got migraines, neck ache, skin problems, stomach pains etc obviously I’d be stressed and my mood would be horrible! So I lasted over 3 months and then I asked my husbands friend how he thought my husband was coping with my admitting the gambling problem? He told me my husband had said ‘He didn’t believe I wasn’t gambling, he didn’t think I’d even stopped at any point and I’d been gambling for years & years’
this broke my heart as I had completely stopped & I thought f*** it I might as well do it! Big mistake as I gambled more than I had ever done, I used rent money, shopping money, I pawned jewellery, borrowed money from family etc nearly lost our home and was being threatened by bailiffs over council tax! I self harmed cutting my arms with razor blades, anyway I came clean to my mum I was doing it again she bailed me out, paying my rent arrears but warned if I gambled again she’d tell my husband about £3,500 I owed her! I didn’t even realise my husband mistrust me so much when he was paid for work in cash (self employed) he was saving it and had over £1000 in the house while I was trying to keep track of the lies I was telling, money I was using & owed out! Safe to say my addiction was back and I didn’t pay the rent a couple of weeks even though my husband had thought I’d paid it and then a rent statement came through the door 10 days ago and my husband found out I was still gambling, I hadn’t paid the rent but written down fake references for online payments.
I had been told he would leave if he found out I was gambling but my addiction was too strong and I was in too deep! The weekend before he found out this time I’d gambled our wages for the week over £700 I’d lost it all! He was devastated! I had to tell him everything and I did!
It’s the 1st time that I have been open and honest with myself and I’ve realised I’m turning into a monster and a lier and I really do not like it!!!!
I am normally a very trustworthy and honest person, we both work hard and I’m confident, outgoing, lively person but gambling had sucked the life from me to the point that I didn’t meet my friends or family, I rarely got dressed or did anything apart sit for 7/8 hrs a day gambling every penny we had! Sometimes I won a bit most of the time I didn’t! I have nothing to show for all the money or heartache or stress NOTHING!
I believe people make mistakes but you have to learn from them! It’s how you use that mistake and make things better! I made the mistake of believing I was in control of my habit!!! I was very very wrong! I now realise I have to be the wife my husband deserves! He deserves so so much more because he stuck by me! He makes me feel like the most loved person in the world and I would be an absolute Idiot to gamble again and lose him! I feel like it’s been to easy to stop, I’ve used gamstop to self exclude for 5 yrs and that has taken the urge away because I cannot go into any site registered in the uk! Talking to other people in the same situation to me has helped! I’m quite private and I get emotional if I am face to face so prefer online forums!
thanks for looking at my story and if you are feeling low or guilt please talk openly or honestly with loved ones and use the resources out there! They are amazing gamcare, gamstop all of them are really useful tools to help stop this horrible addiction!
x
Dear @jadiebby85,
Thank you for posting on the forum and for your openness in talking about your gambling.
I can see that you have had a lot to cope with over the past few months, this must have been a very difficult time for you. Your comments and honesty about your relationships with your husband and mum will be a familiar story to some of those who share this forum so you are not alone with your feelings about how they have been affected by your gambling.
It sounds as if you have worked hard to mend these relationships and I am so pleased that you are in a place now where you feel supported by them. I agree that to speak openly and honestly with loved ones can be so helpful as long as you feel safe to do so.
You are taking some very positive steps to stop gambling and are taking responsibility for your recovery, that is brilliant. But this has not been an easy journey for you and your comments about self-harm and low mood show how gambling can significantly impact on your mental health.
I hope that you were able to get help with this. It is important that you speak with your GP if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself. Your GP will be able to support you with this and discuss available treatment options. If you have not already seen your GP, please do so. It is important that you look after both your physical and mental health as part of your recovery.
Please also feel free to call our Helpline/Netline. We are here 24 hours day, 7 days a week to take your call to offer support and advice. Our helpline number is 0808 8020 133.
Many thanks for sharing you story.
Kind regards
Jo
Forum Admin
Hey Jadie
Welcome the the forum and congrats on what you've achieved so far. Gamstop has been my saviour months before I signed up I'd told people I had a problem but until you take that necessary step to take temptation away then you're never fully committing to it.
I hope that in that your able to gain the trust of your loved ones again and thus is your opportunity to prove them right and why they should stick with you etc etc ☺️
If before you go to sleep every night night knowing you haven't gambled then that day has been a successful day.
All the best with your journey
Packer
Hi thank you for your kind words! Before when I tried to stop I thought I could do it alone, even though it had been suggested to me to register with gamstop, I actually told my husband and mum I had but I wasn’t ready to have it completely out of my hands!
i wish I had because it has taken the option if I’m bored to stick £20 on here and there or if me & the hubby are bickering and I think ‘f you’ lol and stick money on! It would have saved a lot of stress and heartache but hindsight is a lovely thing!
I feel really positive at the moment, I hope it continues but I worry it’s been too easy (hope that makes sense) I’m not sure if my brain is thinking completely different to before! Or the fact I know my husband would leave me if I ever did gamble again! Plus it’s really nice having money in my bank account that lasts the week! I had tricked myself to think I was skint if I didn’t gamble! Pppffft ?
Thank you ?
Hindsight is a wonderful thing haha though my first couple weeks I would reflect on alot of times I was gambling and why I didn't stop when I was up but it was pointless. To move forward we have to let go of the past.
I always believed if I told someone it would make me stop but it never. It's until we make that decision but the best piece of advice I had on here is when at the start you embrace everything to want to stop put as many barriers in place as possible ☺️
For me personally it was all about creating a new norm for myself, I've gambled for half my life, my emotions are often like rollercoasters sometimes but these past few weeks I've felt great. I haven't tried to gamble but at the moment it's near impossible for me to do so because of gamstop and blocking transactions on my card.
Don't get me wrong I've had temptations and sometimes it's hard to tell your close ones because sometimes they don't get it but that's what I love about the forum, no judgement and great place to rant ☺️
Packer
Welcome Jadie. Reading your diary made me sad and was a good reminder of just how horrendous gambling addiction is.
It is good that you have decided to put a stop to the foolishness and I wish you every success in rediscovering your life.
You might like to try the gamcare chatroom where you will meet friends like yourself who are on similar journeys of recovery.
Best wishes
Stephen
Thank you Stephen for your reply, I do feel like something has clicked in my head and the thought of gambling again makes me feel sick! I’ve been doing the cbt course on here and the second part asked to add up how much money you’ve spent online gambling in 1 month! WELL I AM SHOCKED AND DISGUSTED! I spent £3247 of which £1620 I won back and the rest was losses! I threw up last night when I’d worked it all out! It’s put me off the excitement & made me feel stupid!
I know there is no point worrying about it, it’s done and the money gone but I also looked through some emails from the casino I used and they had sent me an email saying as I was a ‘high value’ customer they wanted me to prove I could afford to spend as much as I did by bank statements, p60s etc! I’ve sent them an email explaining how could anyone afford to deposit and lose the amount I did and why have they only contacted me to cover their on tracks but still let me deposit over 10 times before I blocked everything myself! It’s made me realise their is no skill or luck involved and it is a mugs game!!
I am proud to say 22 days GF! I feel really positive, had a lovely weekend with my family and my husband is relaxing which feels great! He asked me this morning ‘if I had been good?’ And it felt amazing when I said ‘100%!’
He told me he trusted me and that’s what makes it worth it!
The fact that I’m not carrying this burden of self loathing and constant lies just feels as if I can breath again! When you’re in the centre of addiction and trapped in a cycle of lies, keeping track of the lies and then more lies it’s exhausting but you do not realise how much better it feels to not do it!
when I thought about stopping I thought I’d have no money, I’d be bored and that excitement would be gone but I feel so much more motivated and my bank has money left in it! I’ve even ordered myself a new washing machine which I would’ve not been able to do because I was using every last pound and then borrowing as well to keep gambling!
i also think the game change course has made me think differently! For example I did not think my constant gambling/lying/covering up was effecting my husband so much! As part of the course I had to ask him to answer true or false to statements like for example ‘do you feel you’ve lost your lust for life?’ Or ‘do you think it affects your daily work role’ I hadn’t thought about it like that! I know gambling has a really negative effect on my physical and mental health, I know it’s effected my relationships but I hadn’t thought how much damage my gambling was doing to my husband every day!
It was really eye opening and made me feel sad because my husband is an amazing man! He’s never hurt me & he works really hard for me and our kids, so I know that I will beat this addiction not only for me but everyone I love because they all deserve so much better than what I was doing to them!
I know that I will always have to think about what I’m doing so I do not feel the urges to gamble and I’ll have to keep thinking about them reasons for a long time but I think I can do it or actually I know I can!!
?
Good afternoon Jadiebby85,
Congratulations on the 22 days GF!
Thank you for your post, it is so good to hear you had such a lovely weekend and that things continue to improve for you. You are a great example of how much better life can be without gambling, to go from the exhaustion of keeping up with a cycle of lies to being able to buy yourself something with money that would have otherwise been wasted on gambling. You have been putting in so much effort and you truly deserve the rewards.
I am so pleased that you have found the GameChange course so beneficial and delighted for both you and your husband that it's had such a positive influence on your life and your relationship.
You are doing so well in your recovery Jade, I’m sure your post will prove an inspiration for many.
I look forward to reading more of your posts on the Forum
Kind regards
ChrisK
Forum Admin
33 days free of gambling is huge and I’m really proud of myself but I feel like c**P today! My husband isn’t coping too well with believing me and I know I am to blame for that & I know it will take time to prove that I’m trustworthy but in the meantime it’s making things really hard to stay in the positive frame of mind and not just think ‘ if he thinks i am, I might as well do it’
I love him and want to be with him and prove to him that he can trust me but I feel like he is punishing me constantly! I made a huge, terrible mistake and I hurt him but how do we move on from this if he’s constantly bringing it up and then letting me think it’s ok and then a small insignificant thing that has nothing to do with gambling will make him switch?
He rants and raves and barks questions at me and I feel like I can’t think straight and I’m trying to answer the questions but I can’t and it makes it worse, then the slamming and banging will start and the dogs are scared & the kids are in their rooms and I’m just trying to make it alright! (He has never hit me!) I know he had every right to want answers to questions about where money has gone or he’s got a gut feeling something isn’t right, I just can’t fight a gut feeling and I can’t fight that when I say to him “look at my internet history or look on the bank app” he says it makes no difference because he is illiterate so it makes no sense to him!
He is a good man and he’s been amazing but how do I get him to stop bottling things up and then exploding? He’s mental health has been effected because of my behaviour and I feel so guilty for that, I lie next to him and look into his eyes and my heart breaks because he’s not himself at all but he’s also a proud/stubborn man who doesn’t really want to talk about his problems because he thinks people will judge him! I really just need to vent and any advice would be much appreciated
jade xx
Hi @jadiebby85. Congratulations on 33days that is huge I'm day 9 today and really chuffed. I know exactly how you feel my husband is very similar to yours bottles and snaps. However mine has always been like this and (I'm not blaming him ) but last few years his bad moods impact on me and have been a trigger for me. Not anymore I refuse to let his moods get to me. I'm walking away and occupying myself with something else . It's going to be ver y difficult for you to carry on with your recovery living like this. I suppose the question " have you tried talking to him about it" is a stupid one? You love him ?are u in love with him? If answers are yes then it's worth fighting for u understand your guilt I feel it to. Problem for me is that I love and care about my husband but I haven't been in love with him for a very long time and it does change the dynamics in a relationship. Don't let this drag you back 33 days is wow so awesome. I'll always reply to you and I'm feeling and understanding your pain
Hello Jadiebby85
Sorry to hear that there is so much tension in your relationship right now. It is understandable for a partner of a gambler to feel angry. And it must be worrying for him when he can't just look at the online bank account to set his mind at rest. However, it's a bit concerning to hear that he's ranting and raving and that it's affecting your children and pets. I know you've said he's never hit you, but there is also such a thing as emotional abuse. Why not give us a call on 0808 8020 133 or chat to an adviser on Livechat? You could also let your partner know that he can contact us himself. We are here for partners and loved ones of gamblers too.
You might also want to give the following service a call to talk it over:
Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
As Charlieboy said, don't let this hold back your recovery. Keep posting,
Deirdre
Forum Admin
33 days is great!
43 days free of gambling! I’m so happy to write that! I feel really positive at the moment, me and my husband are starting to accept what’s happened in the past and it feels like he believes me when I tell him I love him! My home is happy again and I feel completely different to the other times I’ve tried to quit! I’ve actually taken steps to change instead of lying to people around me or myself! I’ve accepted that I had a gambling addiction from the very 1st time i ever gambled online! I’m nearly finished on the game change course (which I would recommend anyone who is trying to quit to do!) The calls I get weekly with the counsellor have really helped me, I’m not normally the type to talk to people about my problems because I don’t want to get emotional so I clam up and stop talking completely but I have realised that is not helping me and that I have to get things off my chest so I can move forward. Things are looking a lot brighter now! My mindset is different, I’m talking to friends again and not isolating myself because of gambling.
I know it’s hard to stop and you really have to work hard to make it happen but I would like to say to anyone who is trying to quit and finding it difficult to keep trying and never give up! You can do it and your life will be so much better! This is my 3rd attempt at quitting and I intend to make it my last but I’ll never stop reminding myself just how bad things got so I never ever feel as low as I did when I was gambling!
best wishes
jadie x
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