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#1 Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 10:48

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Yesterday I had another relapse but finally I have recognised that I am out of control, that I will never have control over gambling and that I can never gamble again. This time I am ready to accept these facts. In the past I have never truly accepted that I will never gamble again - I have always believed that one last bet would change my life and that one day I would be able to gamble in a controlled way. For 10 years I have been trying to improve my life through gambling and in reality I have been making it worse and worse. In the good times I had no restraint to stop and benefit from the winnings (at the highest £50k!) and in bad times although I stopped for a time I always believed that I would be able to gamble one day and have control. Over and over I have proved to myself that I have no control and now I accept that I will never have control - I am an addict and I have to commit to never gambling again. For the rest of my life I cannot and will not gamble - I made this promise to myself last night and now i just have to carry it out one day at a time. 

I have finally realised that debt is only one aspect of my life that has been damaged by my addiction. I want to be a good person but I have to accept that this addiction has led me to behaving in a way that I dont like. I have become a person that I don't want to be and I need to make changes to get to the person that I should be. I feel that I don't deserve to be happy because I have done bad things - I have lied, I have amassed a huge debt which impacts on my family and friends and I feel like I ought to be punished. But equally I feel like my family and friends deserve better and that I don't want to let them down anymore. 

Will this feeling of guilt pass? I feel so guilty and I'm not sure how to move forward but I hope that the feeling will subside with time. I need to have belief in myself that I am still inherently good and that I can make changes and make ammends.

Just for today I will not gamble. Day 1 

Posted on:
Sat, 31/03/2018 - 21:18

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Milestone 1 achieved - 24 hours gf!!

I feel good reaching this mini milestone - so many more to go but I am officially one day clear! This feels like a good moment - I can make these changes. I can be abstinent from my addiction and I can make changes in my life. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to make changes for the good. I want a better life and this time I am going to make the right changes and I won't gamble again.

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 08:32

Compulsivegambl...

Joined:
2018-02-15

Hi samorgo,

Thank you first of all for your comment on my page, and I’m sorry to hear that you slipped up. But remember, every single minute, hour, day that passes without gambling is a step in the right direction.

Try to reward yourself with either little purchases, or clearing a bit more debt every day you don’t gamble. Install blockers on your phone like gamban, or K9 on your PC. Relinquish control of your cards to a trusted family member and live on a drip feed cash supply.

Before you know it, you’ll be able to clear your debts, and have a nice pot of money aside for treats and for spending on things you really want.

Wishing you luck on your journey, this addiction will not beat you!!

Posted on:
Sun, 01/04/2018 - 21:49

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Thanks for your mesage CG - the support is definitely appreciated.

Another day gf here - 2 whole days - yipee. Aonther step along the road to recovery. I need to learn to make my days more productive but as long as I remain gamble free I am moving forward.

I am concerned that I have been here (many times) before and that I can easily return to the hope of clearing the debt with one big win once the pain of loss subsides. This time does feel differently however - I think I have finallly recognised that I don't have any control and will never have control. I cannot gamble because I cannot afford to lose, nor can I afford to win, as we all know it'll lead to further disaster and destruction. I have won £50,000 in the past and gambled the lot thinking I could win more - if that isn't a sign of lack of control what is?! This relapse was no where near that figure but means that money will be tight for this month. It makes me feel sick that I have done it again but I feel that I have finally learned my lesson and that I am ready to change. Every time I have relapsed it was in order to try and make things better - to clear the debt that gambling has caused - but each time it has made it worse. I don't want this to be my life. Working so hard to clear the debt, living fruglly to the point where my husband is fed up of me but then wasting £££ "trying" to make things better. I am fed up of the secrecy, fed up of the lies and fed up of the miserable life that I have at the moment. I am powerless over this addiction and I am ready to accept this as fact. I have only one choice - never to gamble again and to avoid it one day at a time.  

I am not giving up this time. I refuse to give up giving up. I can do this. 2 days clear and counting...

Posted on:
Mon, 02/04/2018 - 19:47

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

In one hour and 22 mins I will be 3 whole days clear and I am feeling good. I have spent a lovely day with my husband today and reminded myself that we can have a much better life without gambling - it only leads to loneliness and misery. I am still preoccupied by the thoughts of debt and guilt but hoping with each day I will feel stronger and looking towards the future I know that month by month things will get better. I have realised today that in the past I was always so impatient to pay back the debt (in order to lose the guilt) but now I know I will always carry the burden of guilt (altough I'm trying to see it as bad choices made by a good person) and I can relax and take my time with the debt. Debt isn't nice but if I continue to chip away at it it will clear and by not gambling I have 100% better chance of clearing it (even if it does take me several years) rather than adding to it. Recognising that I don't have to rush has made me feel better - as long as I keep up the repayments and don't create any more in the hope of clearing it it will decrease and my happiness will increase.

I'm back to work tomorrow but I am determined that I will make the most of my evening (something I haven't done in a long time). When I report in tomorrow evening I will be recording what I have achieved because I can do this - I can make changes - I can be happy. 

1 hour 14 mins to 36 hours!!

Posted on:
Tue, 03/04/2018 - 07:28

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Morning diary - not feeling so positive today. With bills having gone out of my account after the bank holiday weekend reality has set in. This month is going to be harsh but I can make it and this time I am not going to make it worse by trying to win repayments! Only just over 3 weeks until the next pay day - I'm not kidding myself that everything will be rosey then but it'll be a massive step forward.

Although I feel down today I know I will not gamble. It's day 4 and there are so many more to go but I know that I've got this and for today I will not gamble (I also know that i will never gamble again). If I am ever tempted all I need to do is remeber how rubbish I feel at the moment - I never want to feel this way again. 

Onwards and upwards - in the words of that idiot MP antagonising Russia - "Gambling should shut up and go away".

Posted on:
Tue, 03/04/2018 - 14:10

samba79

Joined:
2018-03-22

Good luck samorgo you are doing brilliantly in what is very early days yet.  Take care

Posted on:
Tue, 03/04/2018 - 20:54

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Thanks Samba this journey is definitely made easier by being able to share it with others who understand.

Feeling a bit better this evening - definitely not gambling today :) 10 mins to 4 full days gamble free...

I managed to escape from work only 1 hour later than I should today. This is a huge milestone for me. In the past I have worked way above and beyond my contracted hours (often working more than a week extra a month) partially to earn extra cash to pay back my debts (or, in reality, giving me more money to gamble) or as a form of punishment. I have also realised that I did it as I had nothing in my life other than work (getting money in) and gambling (blowing the hard earned cash). I now want to find hobbies and create interests that make me a more rounded and whole person. Maybe I worried about being at home on my own in case I were to gamble more but I now know that I am strong enough to resist (and I have the blocks in place) so I don't want to be enslaved to my job anymore. I want to be "normal": have a "normal" job, a "normal" regular income, "normal" interests and hobbies, be able to hold "normal" conversations. I hate gambling and I don't want it in my life anymore. I wish I had never experienced it in the first place but what has passed is past. I can't change it and I'm at peace with that now. I just need to maintain this strength to build a better future.

I have read of some of the diaries on here and it has picked me up. I will overcome this blip and things will get better. 4 days without wasting money, time and emotions. Onwards and upwards to day 5. 

Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 07:44

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

I've had another rough night's sleep :( I slept OK for the first couple of nights but the past 2 have been horrendous - tossing and turning and feeling anxious. I'm guessing it's related to the money issues but I know these will pass as things improve which they definitely will while ever I don't gamble. If I'm honest the urge to gamble is there but I know I cannot give in unless I want to ruin my life altogether which I do not. I can do this - ODAAT.

Posted on:
Wed, 04/04/2018 - 23:07

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Day 5 done and dusted and no gambling here. Getting to work killed the urge I was having this morning. Overtime this month should make things a lot easier next month and from then on things should start getting better as I will not be gambling and might even get to start saving! I haven't had savings since I was a child so building up an emergency fund is the first thing I want to do. This is a real goal of mine so each day gf is a step towards achieving it. 2 more days and it'll be a week...

Posted on:
Thu, 05/04/2018 - 08:31

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Day 6 and feeling stronger today. Tomorrow will be one week - a real milestone. I must be honest though I am excited and worried in equal amounts. One week is an achievement and one I should be proud of but I have so often gone awry at this point thinking that I can have one last bet ("this time I will have control etc"). At least this time I know the truth - I can never gamble again. I have no control and I will destroy my life all together if I give in. Just for today however I will not gamble so that I can take a step further along the path to inner peace and a better life.

Posted on:
Thu, 05/04/2018 - 22:10

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Another day over and no gambling. Can't say I haven't thought about gambling and I am acutely aware of the adverts that are on TV and the radio. The gambling devil is whispering to me "go on, one go isn't really going to harm... sign up with a new site and get the welcome bonus... you'll be quids in as you know now that you once you get to the point where you can withdraw you'll be up on your deposit and so just take their cash... go on it'll ease the burden this month...it's free easy money" - well bog off gambling devil I don't want to know. You have ruined my life for over 10 years and enough is enough. You may try to lure me in with the thought of "easy money" but my life is anything but easy when you are around. I'm sure you will turn up from time to time trying to persuade me that I'm clever (at least 'cleverer' than those who keep losing), strong, lucky and able to be in control - you might be right but if I am those things I will use those chracteristics to live a better life not to waste more and more money and building more and more debt online. I'll admit that I am smart and strong - I am smart enough to recognise that I don't want or need you in my life (in fact the smartest thing I have done recently is to rid you from my life) and I am strong - I can, and will, overcome this. I am human and I have my flaws but I know that I am not a bad person. I may have made bad choices but they were mostly for the right reasons. I started gambling trying to improve my, and my husband's, life but was soon in your grip and you weren't willing to let me go. I have paid the price for allowing you to dominate me but I have woken up and I am no longer willing to be your victim. 6 days ago I was in your grip once again but that will be the last time you will ever control me. I see clearly now that I have an addiction, I now understand that I will always have this addiction but that doesn't mean that I have to act on it. Many people on this site have shown me that a great life can be lived despite the addiction as long as I remain strong and abstain. I will never gamble again because I want a better life and I want to be happy. I can achieve the life I want without you and know that I never will if I let you back in so farewell and good riddance.

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 20:43

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

One week down so many more to go!! Feeling good and strong today...

Posted on:
Fri, 06/04/2018 - 21:07

The fun has stopped

Joined:
2017-11-03

Well done on one week gf, glad your feeling strong, we need to be strong to beat this!

Posted on:
Sat, 07/04/2018 - 09:24

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Thanks TFHS. 

I have been in this position so many times before and ultimately thought that I could gamble in a controlled manner. Maybe I felt that these companies owed me something and that it would give me some of my money back. I certainly haven't been playing for enjoyment anymore. 

This time definitely feels different. Maybe I have finally accepted that I am an addict. I now know that I can never gamble again because it will only make my life worse. In the past the thought of never gambling again would make me feel anxious. I would say I won't gamble today but I knew that my brain took it to mean that I may gamble tomorrow, or next week and that would settle the anxiety for the day. Now I can happily say that when I commit to not gambling today I am also commiting to never gambling again and I am at peace with that. I don't have the anxiety anymore - I feel free.

Acceptance of no more gambling feels great but that doesn't mean that gambling isn't trying to tempt me. I just need to remember how badly gambling has affected me and my life. I don't want that lifestyle anymore. Hopefully as my finances improve the pull of gambling will diminish. Certainly the only "positive" I can see in gambling at the moment is the chance to win money to clear my debt but I am clear in thought enough to know this is a false promise. Gambling offers me nothing more than that so I have no reason to even entertain the thought.

I now that I have lost so much more than money through compulsive gambling but doing it again is not going to give me any of that back so I won't waste any more time or emotion on it. I am disguisted with myself for having wasted so much of my life staring at a screen rather than really living. It's now time to move on and rebuild the life that I have lost. This makes me feel happy - happier than I ever felt gambling. 

Posted on:
Tue, 10/04/2018 - 00:35

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

10 full days clear of the demon. I notice I have been eating more in the past few days - I'm hoping this will settle as I get used to my new life. No thoughts of gambling and hoping it will stay that way. 

Still struggling with worries about money but I know it wil settle and I am looking forward to my next pay day as it will be the first month where I won't waste my hard earned cash on gambling. 

Posted on:
Thu, 12/04/2018 - 00:33

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Not been here for a few days as I have been busy at work but pleased to say 12 gf so 2 more days and it'll be the 2 week marker :)

No urges at the mo which is great. Still worrying about paying the bills this month but I have accepted that the money has gone and I need to move forward. Payday is now less than 2 weeks away which is great news. Feeling strong and positive. 

Posted on:
Fri, 13/04/2018 - 11:57

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

2 weeks ago today I was in a bad place again. Admittedly it wasn't the rock bottom that I have known before and I am glad that I was able to nip it in the bud before it spiralled out of control again. The rest of this month is still going to be tricky financially but I feel so much better in myself. I feel free yet in control.

Deciding, and believing, that I am never going to gamble again has given me real peace. In the past it made me anxious but this time I feel great. I know that it is the best decision I have ever made and I am ready for the change.

Despite feeling so good at the moment I know that I need to be realisitic and alert. I'm sure the gambling demon will pop up from time to time to tempt me but I know that I don't want it in my life. Ganbling has made my life hell at times and I never want to go there again. 

It feels amazing to be feeling so positive. Change is possible and gambling doesn't have to be a part of my life anymore.  

Posted on:
Wed, 18/04/2018 - 20:10

Compulsivegambl...

Joined:
2018-02-15

Hi,

Just checking in to wish you well on your journey. It’s so difficult to it succumb to temptation but the trick is to busy yourself with something else, learn a new hobby (I’m learning guitar at the moment) and install blocks wherever possible. Willpower alone does not work, so do everything in your power to stop. If you’re really serious about stopping, you will be serious about putting these measures in place. I’m now 9 weeks in since my last gamble, and finding it easier each day. We’ve got to remember that when we think about other things, we can be healthy and free of this illness.

Wishing you well mate. Keep at it!

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 13:35

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Thanks CG - your message is reassuring that this can be done.

I haven't been on for a while as I have been on holiday. I am 3 weeks clear of gambling and feeling much better. Although having spent more than anticipated on holiday, I have had the urge to try and "win" some extra cash - I know it'll only end in disaster so I can't and I won't go back to those old ways. I knew that this month would be a struggle but with payday on the horizon hopefully things will start looking brighter financially. Although money is a constant concern I have to say I am already feeling so much better mentally having decided never to gamble again. I know I have mentioned it previously, but in the past I have always paid lip service to one day at a time knowing that one day I would return believing I would be more in control. With hindsight each relapse has demostrated that I am less in control and the damage is greater each time (to my self esteem, my relationships, my finances). Gambling really does wreck every aspect of your life but not anymore for me. I am starting afresh and it is never too late to turn things around so I am a former gambler and from 3 weeks ago my life is getting better. I look forward to being a month clear - that will be a major milestone and then it'll be onwards and upwards. It's so nice to be feeling like this and I never want to feel the darkness and despair of gambling ever again.

 

Posted on:
Mon, 23/04/2018 - 23:15

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

I'm now a full 23 days clear of gambling. Earlier today I saw an advert for an online gambling site I had played previously (I am now self excluded) and for a moment I thought how nice would it be to have a go and win some extra cash to ease the burden, then I reminded myself that I had had several "good" wins in the past - ranging from a couple of hundred pounds to £50k and each time I had given it all back to the house. I will never win if I gamble - the only way I can win is not to gamble ever again (despite how happy everyone on the advert seems!)

I had been finding it reasonably easy to give up gambling over the past few weeks but tonight I am struggling. It's probably the burden of having very little to my name and still a few days to pay day. I have the physical blocks in place so I know I won't gamble tonight but part of me wants to. This addiction is so irrational... I recognise the hell that gambling has created in my life but part of me feels it will be my saviour. I won't gamble tonight. In the past I would have stayed up all night - gambling and trying to source money to play with but I am going to go to bed and hope the urge has passed by the morning. With every day gamble free I get under my belt I will get stronger but tonight has reminded me that I need to be on my guard and be ready to fight whenever the demon appears on my shoulder.

My life is so much better than it was 3 weeks ago so why would I give that up now? Bog off gambling addiction - I am strong enough to say no and I mean it. 

Posted on:
Tue, 24/04/2018 - 09:59

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

 

Feeling better today especially as I've noticed I was wrong with my count last night - I am now in day 25 of being gf!

Although it wasn't an early night I am glad I didn't stay up all night as I would have done in the past.  The blocks are in place so I can't gamble but I recognise that I also need to change my actions so that I live a healthier life. I don't want to live on no sleep leading to unproductive days anymore. Tonight I will go to bed earlier. 

Today I am going to look at how I want to improve my life - I am going to establish the areas that are important to me and how I can make changes to live the life that I want. I am finally appreciating that although I have made mistakes I do still deserve to live a full and happy life. I will update later once I have made my plans.

Posted on:
Tue, 24/04/2018 - 19:04

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

So I have been examining my life today and I have identified 5 key areas I want to improve.

1. Diet - eat healthier and lose weight. I am joining a slimming club this week. The aim is to get to target of 10 1/2 stone by my next birthday. I commit to attending group each week, sticking to the plan and keeping a food diary. I will start making weekly meal plans, a shopping list and batch cooking. I want to nurture my body by fuelling it with healthy, home cooked meals. I know attending the group is going to cost me £20 a month but I hope I can save (at least) that by sticking to a shopping list. I have had enough of the junk food that I put in my body and the shape that I have created through layers of fat. This will be a long road but one that I will walk alongside the path of abstinence of gambling.  

2. Fitness - be healthy and physically fit. My long term goal is to run a marathon. I did one many years ago but since then I have gained approx 5 stone and I now can't even walk upstairs without being short of breath. I know I can do it if I put my mind to it so I will create a plan and aim to stick to it. Start small (probably with a couch to 5k plan) and build up my stamina and fitness. I also want to improve my strength so I will start doing body weight exercises at home as I don't have the money to join a gym at the moment. Fitness can be done for free so it will be a good way of using my time rather than gambling. 

3. Work - find a career. My job is OK. I have been there a long time but I don't want to be there for the rest of my life. The trouble is I don't really know what I want to do. I need to explore what's available and what might appeal. I need to build the confidence to apply for other jobs and to do well in interviews. I will look at training/studying I can do (at a price I can afford) and look to making my CV stronger.

4. Home - have a beautifully clean, happy, welcoming home. I commit to doing at least 1 hour of housework everyday. During periods of gambling I have neglected my home telling myself I didn't have time - but I could spend hours on end gambling. Prior to gambling I was really houseproud and I want to get back to how I was. I want to have a beautiful home and I want to be able to invite people round. I haven't had anyone in my home for almost 10 years because I am embaressed about the mess it has turned into and it's about time I started turning it around so that I can build relationships with real people. I feel like I have no friends but how can you when all you do is work and gamble? Now that gambling has no place in my life I need to start building those friendships that I want and need. 

5. Finances - clear the debt and start saving. I have finally faced reality and I currently owe £42,000. The vast majority of this is from gambling. Some of it came from living beyond our means but I have to take responsibility and admit that had I not gambled we would probably have cleared that many years ago. Every time I have looked at it in the past I have told myself that I can clear it within 5 years - had I stopped gambling altogether when I first joined this site I would be debt free now too but it's not the case. I accept the money has gone, I accept that I owe the money and I commit to pay back every penny. I have worked out that I could pay it back within 5 years but that would leave me with no spare money at all each month, it would leave us extremely tight so I have decided that I will take 10 years to pay it back. 10 years feels like forever away but I have been gambling for that long so if I can not gamble for that period of time and clear this debt that will be my definition of success. In the past I have been in a hurry to get it paid back to rid myself the guilt of what I have done but I now recognise that the pressure to clear the debt and still live a comfortable life has often encouraged me to gamble to ease the burden. This time I am not in any rush. Obviously the sooner I can clear the debt the sooner I will be able to move on to the next chapter of my life without the shadow of my mistakes hanging over me but this time I want to try something different and make real, lasting changes. Even if I only make the minimum payments for a while at least while I am not gambling I won't be making the debt worse so each month should look a little better; the debt a little less. Wherever possible I will make a payment larger than the minimum but I'm not going to leave myself short anymore. I am not going to live under constant pressure when I don't have to. I can live a comfortbale life and still clear this debt. 

So these are my priorities and my goals. Each day I aim to work towards each of them - taking one step towards them and one step away from my gambling past. It feels great to be regaining control. For so long I have felt out of control but this is a huge moment in my life and I am finally looking forward to a brighter future.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 21:49

Compulsivegambl...

Joined:
2018-02-15

Hi there,

Read your latest posts with great interest as it really sounds like you are fully switched on with what goals you want to achieve for yourself in the coming months and years. You sound exactly like me, I too want to start eating healthier, exercising more, coming to terms with debt and looking at possible careers but not knowing where to start.

It’s positive that you’ve faced up to your debts. I did the same, most of my were not caused by gambling but I could have paid my debts off much faster had I not lost £2,000 in two years. Doesn’t sound like a lot, but it is to me. I’ve lost a lot more than that over my life.

What I would suggest is that every time you feel tempted, every time you want to have a splurge, every time you have spare money floating about - put it towards your debt. No excuses. I have been doing exactly that and cleared in excess of £1,500 over the last couple of months. 

It’s an amazing feeling watching your debt fall and you can dream of what might be. I have been working very hard lately, as I’m sure you have been too, and you do not want to literally throw your money away.

Wishing you every success, sounds like you have your head screwed on, don’t give up the fight mate. All the best.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 22:09

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Hi Samorgo, congratulations on 25 days gamble free. 

I’ve just been reading your diary and just want to say how well you’re doing. 

I’m (re)starting my journey again tonight and hope to be where you are in 25 days time. By which time you’ll hopefully be on 50 :)

Well done again!

Dan

Posted on:
Sat, 28/04/2018 - 21:53

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Thank you both for your lovely messages. It's great to know that there are others who are going through the same thing, who undertand what this addiction is like and who offer support so willingly. I wish you both well with your journeys - towards a gambling free and debt free future.

I haven't been on here for a few days but been spending the time sorting out parts of my life! I have had my first payday where I haven't wasted any money gambling. I did overtime last month so I have put the extra cash straight towards one of my debts and it feels great. I did have a moment the other day where I thought a few hundred pounds is just a drop in the ocean so it could be worth trying to gamble it to make more but then I reminded myself that the odds of winning £40k are so slim and the risk of losing hundreds more so high that I would be insane to even bother. It was nice that the thought passed without taking any action.  

I joined a slimming club today and although I weigh the heaviest I have ever been I am certain that I will reach my target. Just like I am beating this addiction - every day I will make the necessary changes, and take the steps required, to reach my goals.

I am over 4 weeks gamble free now and so close to the one month mark. These landmark dates are so exciting. I feel so positive at the moment - long may it continue!  

Posted on:
Mon, 30/04/2018 - 10:45

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

One month clear! There have been urges and difficult moments but at those times I have to remind myself that life is infinitely better when I don't gamble. 

Not having such a good day today but I know I will not gamble so I know the day is better than it would be if I were to spend it in front of the computer hoping for that significant win and then feeling utterly awful losing the lot if I was lucky enough to get it. 

I can do this - one day at a time.

Posted on:
Mon, 30/04/2018 - 16:11

ITDamo

Joined:
2016-01-26

Hi Samorgo,
Been reading quite a few diaries on here today and yours happened to be one of them.
Just wanted to say well done for coming as far as you have. You have put the practical things in place that will make gambling more difficult if you ever get the urge and it sounds like you have a great plan going forward.

All the best
Damo

Posted on:
Mon, 07/05/2018 - 13:38

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Thanks for your message Damo. I hope you are still going strong and enjoying the lovely weather.

I havent been on here in a while as I haven't had much to say. I haven't gambled for 38 days and I'm getting used to this as my normal way of life. I have had urges but the ability and oportunity to ruin my life doesn't exist anymore. Money is still an issue but I know it will get better with time.  

Posted on:
Mon, 07/05/2018 - 14:03

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Congratulations on 38 gamble free days, Samorgo.

It’s lovely to hear that you’re beginning to settle into a life without gambling. It makes days like today all the more sweeter when gambling isn’t there to add stress and worry. 

Keep winning :) 

Dan

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 17:06

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Thanks Dan. I hope you are still going strong too.

45 days gamble clear now. This is the best I have done in some time and it feels great. This time is definitely different - I will never gamble again. Yes I concentrate on the here and now and surviving the day as I do get the urge from time to time but one day at a time has a completely different meaning to me now. Rather than thinking if I don't gamble today I'll be able to gamble tomorrow or in the future, now I think I won't gamble today so that tomorrow will be better. I will never gamble again. 

At the moment not gambling in the future really isn't bothering me but the havoc I have created in the past is... My life is no where near what I would want it to be because of the damage I have caused through gambling. My finances are in a mess and my self confidence is at rock bottom. I am embarressed about what I look like, what my house is like, how I live... More than anything though I am embarressed about my addiction. 

I try to remain positive and can see that I have made a huge change not gambling over the past 45 days and not anticipating gambling for the rest of my life but I just don't feel positive today. I suppose sitting in front of a computer waiting for the big win is easy and maybe I'm realising real life isn't.

Some days are tougher than others but at least they are nowhere near as bad as when I was gambling. 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2018 - 22:31

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

 

46 days clear and feeling a bit better today.

Life isn't great but it's hell of a lot better than when I was gambling. The financial burden is going to be hanging over me for some time but I know that I am going to have to ride it out. I didn't amass this debt overnight so I need to be patient in paying it back but I'll get there.

On the job front I have found vacancies that interest me. I am really struggling with my self confidence but I am going to give it a shot - what's the worst that can happen if I apply?

As for the house, the amount of stuff to do is overwhelming... I don't know where to start so most days I don't bother. I know I am lazy so I need to start to make small steps.

I have been committed to the weight loss plan for the past 2 weeks but today I could have broke. I was desperate for junk food but I managed to wait it out and the urge did eventually pass. I am learning to be strong and with every day that passes I will get better at it.

Posted on:
Mon, 21/05/2018 - 21:23

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

 

52 days free of gambling. I missed the big 50 on here but Saturday was a busy day... I also got my half stone award at slimming (having lost 9lbs in total).

52 days ago I was on the slippery slope to ruin. Now I accept that I am a non-gambler. I know I will always be an addict but these days I chose not to act on it as my life is infinitely better without the demon gambling in my life.

Money worries are still on my mind every day but I haven't made the debt any worse for 52 days.

I'm doing this - I am beating this addiction every day. I can do this. 

Posted on:
Tue, 22/05/2018 - 22:37

Ukds69

Joined:
2018-04-28

Hi Samorgo,

Great to read your diary and to see how well you have done in banishing this life sapping addiction from your life.

A lot of similarities with me in there. Notably, having to finally accept that you must never gamble again. Like you, I always used to ‘leave the door ajar’ for a future gamble. Thinking I would be able to control it. I could never seemingly bring myself to accept that I need to stop gambling forever. Once I had come to terms (and that in itself is not easy) with the fact that I will never gamble again, the fog started to clear.

Like you say, there are days when that positivity relating to a gamble free future goes out of the window and your mind wanders back to one more gamble couldn’t possibly do me any harm... But we both know exactly what that leads to, and neither of us want to be back there again. 

Keep up the great work 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 24/05/2018 - 00:35

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

 

Thank you for your kind words Ukds69. For me it's taken many years and countless relapses to get to the point where I accept that I will never gamble again. When the realisation finally came it did feel like a weight lifting or a fog clearing... since then my life has been better. That's not to say that there haven't been difficulties. The main one is with the debt and the knowledge that I will struggle with funds for years to come because of the mistakes have made but by chosing to no longer gamble I am making a mends.

I've had a lovely day today. I met my friend in town and went for lunch. It cost me just over £10 which ordinarily I would have avoided at all costs (especially at this point in the month) but today I didn't begrudge it. I got to spend time with a human not with the computer! Yes it could have been £10 I could have put to my debt but I need to start living life.

 I can't sleep tonight and I don't know why. I'm not tempted to gamble or indeed have any urges but something has brought me on here and I don't know what it is. Maybe to make me realise how much better my life is without gambling. Well staying up all night is something I did when I was in the grip of the demon and as I no longer am I must go to sleep as I have work in the morning.

54 days clear - roll on day 60 - the 2 month milestone!

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2018 - 23:51

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Almost 2 months clear of gambling and still struggling financially. Today is pay day but already I can see I'll have no money by the end of the month. I suppose I have become impatient at paying the debts off again but they are a constant reminder of all the bad choices I have made. I have survived worse financial issues (at the height of my gambling I could waste ££££s a night) so I know that this isn't the end of the world but I just feel a bit doen about it.

On a positive note I know I am making progress as in the past this would have led me to gambling in the hope of winning some extra cash but it is not bothering me at all. I am tempted to eat though... I suppose these are emotions that I need to learn to deal with. Luckily I am due to weigh in at fat club tomorrow so I have managed to resist going crazy in the kitchen. Instead I'm going to bed. Good night.

Posted on:
Mon, 28/05/2018 - 09:37

Ukds69

Joined:
2018-04-28

Hi Samorgo,

Great to see how well you are doing. It would be nice if once we switch that gambling switch to ‘off’ so everything else surrounding it gets instantly easier, better still, goes away. Unfortunately of course there are realities and consequences of our addiction.

But the way I look at it... Those realities and consequences are going to be there, we can’t change that now, but just imagine how much MORE stressful and damaging it would be if you were also gambling at the same time. For me, it puts it into perspective. Life is soooo much better without gambling in it. Not perfect, far from it, but just compare how you feel now, where you are now in your mindset, not gambling, with how you were in the downward spiral of your addiction. Chalk and cheese. Day and night.

Don’t look back, only forwards. Currently I am sat at home on my own as the family are away and I am facing probably my biggest test since I gave up a month ago. A lazy BH Monday with nobody around would normally see me spend the day online frittering away my money. Today I am choosing not to. 

Great up the top work and keep super strong! :-)

Posted on:
Mon, 28/05/2018 - 12:17

Rugbyman

Joined:
2018-05-12

Great diary Samorgo. Congrats on your new life. One tip id offer is just look at your debt as your punishment and accept it. As a gambler I have spent years making stupid choices and having to go through 6-12 months skint whilst I clear the bulk of short term debt is just my punishment which I’ve accepted. Just think where you’ll be in a years time. Financially stable, healthy, engaging with friends. It really is the jackpot no slot machine can offer.

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 20:50

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

60 days and counting!! This is a huge milestone for me; things are definitely different for me this time.

Thank you for your contributions:

UKds69 - I hope you had a good bank holiday - every day chosing not to gamble is a step along the path to a happier future. Staying strong is the only way to ensure things get better, keep remembering how much better life is without the demon in our lives.

Rugbyman - thanks for the praise. I think I get what you are saying about the debt. Every day it is a constant reminder of all the wrongs I have made but do I really deserve to be punished?! I made some really bad choices but I'm not a bad person. My debt will be around for a lot longer than a year but I am not making it any worse and even if it is only tiny steps to start each month it is getting better. You are absolutley right with the phrase "it really is the jackpot no slot machine can offer" - I just wish I could have realised that years ago to avoid the pain and sufffering I have caused.

Still feeling strong and looking forward to the next milestone - 70 days... here I come!!

Posted on:
Tue, 29/05/2018 - 22:46

Ukds69

Joined:
2018-04-28

Hi Samorgo,

60 days. Wow. Massive kudos to you!

I had a real nice chilled out BH Monday, thanks. Which most importantly... contained no gambling whatsoever! :-) I would’ve struggled in those circumstances as recently as just a few weeks ago but like you say, it feels different now. 

I see quite a few people saying that. I’m fairly new to this forum so maybe that’s common at any given point, I don’t know, but I also wonder how much of an impact GAMSTOP is making. Quite a bit I wouldn’t be surprised.

I do think it coincided with me seriously wanting to give up but at the same time it has taken away the potential of a quick opportunistic gamble, that was always loitering.

Keep strong, keep focused, you’re doing amazingly! 

Posted on:
Thu, 31/05/2018 - 21:32

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Thanks for your kind comment Ukds69 and I'm glad you are still feeling strong. I have had physical blocks in place in the past but not wanting to really give up meant that I found ways around them. This time is different though and I hope that I will never be tempted by gambling ever again. Stay strong and thanks again - your support is appreciated.

I have been looking at my finances tonight ahead of a new month and it's not pretty. The worry of not having enough money would have led to me gambling in the past but not this time. I have seen numerous adverts for various gambling sites on the TV tonight but nothing can tempt me back to the dark hole of depression, isolation and deceit. It's going to be tough but it's one month... and at the end I won't be in as bad a position as if I chanced my luck. I can guarentee that if I tried to win I would inevitably lose and dig myself a bigger hole so I chose to win by not gambling. 

Honestly, despite the debt and money worries, this feels so amazing. I never realised how good it would feel to be rid of gambling... I feel so stupid because for years I felt anxious if I even considered giving it up but now it makes me feel sick to think about doing it! Life really is better without gambling.

Posted on:
Sat, 02/06/2018 - 21:44

Ukds69

Joined:
2018-04-28

Hi Samorgo, I hope you’re well.

It is strange, I feel exactly the same. I don’t know what is was/is but I knew at the start of this attempt of going GF that it was different. I reckon it is probably a combination of several things...

1. GAMSTOP.

2. A build up over the years of determination and anger against the industry taking my money which finally became stronger than the need to gamble.

3. Finding this forum

4. A year of counselling 

The counselling aspect was important as I really do believe that a true CG cannot give up on their own (i tried and failed dozens of times). I never brought myself to admit that I was gambling again to my girlfriend. She discovered many years ago and I’m not sure she would understand or accept the fact I have spent the past few years gambling. Despite my every effort to give it up. 

As for all the gambling ads. They really are sickening aren’t they. I reckon in years to come we will look back at these adverts and wonder wth were we thinking? allowing this to go on.

Keep strong :-)

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 08/06/2018 - 09:12

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Hi Ukds69 I hope you are still going strong.

It's day 70 for me today - 10 whole weeks since I last gambled. I have had the occasional urges (particularly when I am worried about money) but on the whole feeling much calmer and proud as punch that I am still going strong. Last Saturday I was considering going to bingo to try and win some money as my finances are really stretched this month but I realised this would be another version of the hell of gambling so I decided against it.

Each day I am distancing myself away form that past and making a brighter future. This time I am really doing it but having read other peoples' stories I know I need to stay aware that the addiction can rear it's ugly head at any time so I am staying vigilant.

In the past 70 days I have stopped gambling, applied for a new job (and am still waiting to hear) and lost a stone in weight.

The next goal/milestone is 90 days by then I want to have established a fitness routine, paid a loan back to a friend and started decluttering and thoroughly cleaning my house.

The future is looking far rosier since I have stopped gambling and I want it to continue that way so one day at a time I will not gamble.

Posted on:
Fri, 08/06/2018 - 11:45

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

I have been reading quite a few diaries on here this morning which has made me think about the physical blocks that I need in place. I have self excluded from the sites that I used but had resisted registering with gamstop. This morning I have questioned why this is the case. Part of it is a concern that others will find out about my secret past as I still feel so ashamed of it but there may be another reason... Perhaps its a delsuion that one day I might be in control and that I will be able to enjoy gambling in a controlled way so I don't want to give up that choice but having thought about it that's insane... So I have registered and yes I considered for only 6 months at the time but witihin a split second I settled on 5 years. I will never gamble again and although I felt a little anxious filling in the form having pressed submit I feel so relieved. 

This is a real step forward for me. This time feels like it is right, like it is forever and that a better future is on its way. I feel that this was a good way to celebrate the 70 day milestone (although I did consider waiting until the 90 days - ridiculous!)... I am doing this and it feels so exciting. I will never have that sickening feeling of losing, of lying and of worrying. All of that is in the past and I am creating a better future for myself and my loved ones.

Posted on:
Sun, 10/06/2018 - 23:28

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Another weekend is over :( but another gamble free weekend clocked up :)  Day 72 done as I'm about to go to bed.

Finances still pretty awful so penny pinching means nothing exciting done this weekend but I have made a start on the house. This week the focus is on fitness. Healthy eating is still going well. Gambling is still behind me so all in all life is improving. 

Posted on:
Sun, 17/06/2018 - 18:25

Ukds69

Joined:
2018-04-28

Well done Samorgo. Really great to see things moving in the right direction for you!

Posted on:
Mon, 18/06/2018 - 15:51

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

Day 80... and still strong.

Today I went swimming for the first time in years. In my gambling days I wouldn't have wasted £4.30 (it would have seemed like a waste of money that I couldn't afford!) but I enjoyed it despite it showing me how unfit I have become. Never mind everyone's got to start somewhere and now I have a baseline the only way is fitter!

Life is infinitely better without gambling. It's not easy to make the move but to anyone reading this still in the grips of the gambling demon turn your back on it and start living. Put the blocks in place, believe that abstinence is possible and enjoy the simple pleasures in life. 

I'm getting closer to the GA goal of 90 days then it'll be on to 100... roll on... I'm not going back to the hell that my life had become when gambling ruled my life. I'm in charge now and I want to really live.

Posted on:
Thu, 28/06/2018 - 22:11

samorgo

Joined:
2013-02-01

 

Day 90!!! I have made it to the magic 90 days! That's not to say it's been plain sailing and if I am honest without the physical blocks I have no doubt that I would have gambled again. Each time money is tight and I think about the debt I am in I feel like I want to gamble - that one big win would sort everything... then I remember how I got into this mess in the first place.

I still feel ashamed and guilty but I now understand my addicition and my only choice is abstinence. I have to keep on fighting because life is, and will continue to be, better without gambling in my life.

Posted on:
Thu, 28/06/2018 - 22:24

Chirst21

Joined:
2012-07-20

Congratulations on 90 days. Amazing achievement. 100 days just round the corner but as the old adage goes - 1 day at a time.

Posted on:
Sat, 30/06/2018 - 01:47

Ukds69

Joined:
2018-04-28

Whoop whoop. 92 days!! Well done Samorgo, doing absolutely awesomely.

You are soooo right. Total abstinence is absolutely the only way forward.

Have a great weekend :-)

Posted on:
Sat, 30/06/2018 - 10:37

Sjr12

Joined:
2018-06-01

Hi Samorgo. 

I’ve been reading your stories this morning and just want to say a massive congratulations to you on your progress and journey! 

This thread is so inspirational and I take my hat off to you for all of your hard work and efforts to be GF. 90 days is only something I can aspire to right now so well done. I’m happy recognising that I am a third of the way there :) 

Keep it up and keep sharing, it is the beacon of hope that we all need to push through! 

Thank you! Sjr x

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