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Posted on:
Fri, 11/01/2019 - 09:43

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

So, I had what turns out to be a panic attack on 27th December 2018. No reason whatsoever, however these things can apparently turn up for no immediate reason and without any notice.

A sudden immense fear and intense anxiety came over me as I started worring about what 2019 might hold and whether any of my previous misguided and selfish actions would come back to haunt me. A cold sweat and my heart felt like it was going to explode.

Once this settled I was straight back into action as I desperately sought any way out. I spent the next three days immersed in the only way I known how to mentally escape. And then my current account hit zero and I was finally relieved of my burden.

So here I am, 11 days into 2019 and I am pleased to say that I am so far gamble free. Financially things are ok as I am still benefiting from about 18 months broken abstinence over the past two and a half years.

All of the blocks remain in place. Gamstop still has over 4 years to run and I have self-excluded from over 100 local shops - it is not easy to self exclude in London.

All excess money is still given Rosie so even if I do slip the final damage would not be catasrophic - but the emotional and mental damage would be.

I keep making the mistake of setting myself too large a goal and drive myself to the point of insanity with impatience and yearning for my goals to be reached.

It stands to reason that I mentally break down whenever I reach them, as per the last two summers and just this Christmas. Taking one day at a time is very cliche but I think that might be what is needed for me.

Everyday that I abstain from gambling is a small battle won and I should be content with this.

There are of course the underlying psycholgical issues which still need to be addressed.

An underlying depression and anxiety and general feeling of self-worthlessness, all no doubt stemming back to the domestic violence and emotional abuse I was subjected to as a child.

I am getting some counselling. Maybe 30 years too late. But it is clear that gambling is not the real problem, more of an expensive and painful symptom.

Today I have not gambled.

This morning I am close to what some might describe as inner peace, but with me that can end in a flash.

I am at my desk in a warm and cosy office. Soon I will be very bored (no doubt) but I must not forget that I am blessed with a job that some people would bite an arm off for.

Like the poor, homeless man who is currently mummified in a sleeping back on boxes in the undercroft car park literally beneath my feet. Charles Dickens could not have written it.

He is clearly suffring from his own broken world. He is rarely lucid. I am not sure whether drugs or alcohol. No judgement from me as I am no better than this wretched man.

I am just as big an addict as he is and it is but for the grace of God that our positions are not reversed. We bring him a cup of coffee from time to time. On Christmas Eve I tried to give him £20.00 for some food, but he was too intoxicated to realise, so I just left the money on his pillow. I hope he found some use for it and that it gave him a little comfort.

There is so much more to say but I suppose I had better get back to doing what I love!

People wonder why the legal process takes so long and I can confirm that it is becuase most lawyers are addicts in some form and are probably updating their "whatever" recovery diary on "whatever" recovery forum that happens to cater for their particular weakness.

At least I can make some people happy doing what I do; I can just never do enough.

Markman

 

Posted on:
Sat, 12/01/2019 - 00:12

duncanmac

Joined:
2012-01-26

Markman
Fella you write words that could have been written by any compulsive gambler who seeks recovery but can't let go of addiction and its hold.
The desire to empty all available funds, food for addiction because through doing so relief is found.
The desire to lose because winning would just prolong the agony.
Fella this for me became a turning point in life, addiction lost its hold, I knew that there was another way.
Abstinence awaits you fella and yes you will only be able to take each day as it comes and from that you will find a better way to live.
Go speak to your doctor about the depression it's nothing to be ashamed of, for me the only shame comes if help is not sought.
Second innings my friend, straight bat and leave those wide balls alone, its not 20/20 more a test match.
I wish you well.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Posted on:
Wed, 16/01/2019 - 16:12

Markman

Joined:
2011-12-14

4-4-6... to long on.

16*.

That is how 2019 has started.

16 days to the good and only 3 days given to addiction in the last 60 or so (looking at the bright side).

Back at the crease.

Straight bat.

Taking care to spot the wrong'uns.

Patient.

One 24 hour ball at a time.

 

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