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#1 Posted on:
Sat, 07/04/2018 - 16:30

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hi everyone, I joined here last month but I still had a few sites open due to thinking could win off frees but need to wager £2 to get frees every week, obviously I cant just wager £2 am kiddling myself, these sites arent daft, have had a few moments of binging on slots since then, Today, after a big loss I have finally decided to close and self exclude on open casino sites, have come clean to my Mum, although she did know but thought I had given up, I hadnt really... just half heartedly. I realise now that I would of continued win or lose as I said to myself if I win a certain amount I will give up, well, I did win that amount and more....but yet again I still try my luck for more and back to where I started. Well, today is where I say goodbye to gambling for good, disappointted in myself I fell off the wagon but proud am making the change today... for the rest of my life, for me and my family :) 

Posted on:
Fri, 13/04/2018 - 16:52

Forum admin

Joined:
2010-11-01

Hi Caughtup,

Thank you for the honest account of the difficulties you are facing while you are trying to stop gambling. I have moved this thread to "recovery diaries" as you may find it easier to receive replies and you do write about your recovery journey.

Set-backs are part of this journey. They give you a good opportunity to learn and to do things differently going forward.

I would encourage you to continue a recovery diary and should you feel that you would like more support, you are very welcome to contact us on the Helpline on 0808 80 20 133 or on the Netline http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/net...

Both services are open from 8 am to midnight every day.

Stay strong!

Kind wishes

Gabriele

Posted on:
Tue, 17/04/2018 - 10:36

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Thank you so much Gabriele

That’s a great help, thanks so much! 

10 days now has gone fast :) onwards and upwards 

Appreciate your help xx 

 

 

Posted on:
Wed, 18/04/2018 - 19:19

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Back to 0 days again :( 

What am I doing to myself? Third time lucky on my recovery diary, got to 11 days and back to day 0, how stupid am I? 

Stops now! Can’t feel like this anymore! 

Posted on:
Wed, 18/04/2018 - 19:32

wittle71

Joined:
2018-04-17

Bloody ell. Well shake your head and try again . You can do this

Posted on:
Wed, 18/04/2018 - 19:36

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Thanks wittle - I certainly can! No more! Sick and tired of this horrid dread! Thanks so much! I need to seriously look at myself, horrible evil that I am letting define me... no more!

Posted on:
Thu, 19/04/2018 - 00:44

Onepunchjamoo

Joined:
2018-03-23

You should be proud you got to 11 days at all. As long as you're at least trying you should be able to beat it, we all should. Try to keep yourself busy ?

Posted on:
Thu, 19/04/2018 - 20:22

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

 

Hello just little anxious me again! Thanks yes it certainly helps to keep busy! Still annoyed at myself for my slip, contacted help from here earlier today so had a little online chat!l I just feel so guilty and foolish! Let myself down, I can not continue to gamble, I hate hating myself, I have much better things to concentrate on and feel like life is on hold until I get myself ahead and stop gambling! Hadn’t lost loads over the couple of years gambling, probably around two thousand pound ish but I still keep beating myself about that money! I believe I do have under laying problem which I escape when I gamble! 

Just feel sad today! But it not gonna gamble 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 20/04/2018 - 01:54

Pink 2018

Joined:
2018-03-28

Hi caught up , thank you for the post on my diary it really helps knowing we all supportive of  each other , hope you have a nice calm and restful day , without the stress and misery of gambling , the sunshine always makes me feel better hope it does for you too ..........Pink

Posted on:
Fri, 20/04/2018 - 06:49

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hi Pink, thanks for your comments hun, read your story the other day, nice to get to know some of you on here, we are a lovely bunch of people been possessed by this addiction, today feel stronger! It is a beautiful day.. feel like want to turn all negativity of gambling into positive! Have a good gamble free day! X

Posted on:
Fri, 20/04/2018 - 10:21

RSmith39

Joined:
2017-12-24

Hi,

Wanted to say thanks for posting on my diary, and say don't beat yourself up over the relapse.  I know if I relapse I'll think I've blown my day count, so would just continue until I ended up really in a hole.  I always feel bad for people who relapse, but don't blame them, and admire them for admitting what they've done and cracking on again.  You see other people who just stop posting for months, and you know that they've probably started gambling big time again, so well done for fessing up and starting the recovery again.  Although the days go back to zero, you haven't actually lost the days you already had ... they were still gamble free days and something to celebrate just focus on beating that number this time and pushing on.

I also think you're actually in quite a good position, in that whilst what you've lost certainly hurts, it's a fraction of the losses of some people on here, and it's not a life changing amount.  Take it as an investment in realising the problem and it will be money well spent if it stops things escalating.  Take care. Rich

Posted on:
Fri, 20/04/2018 - 13:17

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Aww thanks so much for taking the time Rich, means a lot! Very encouraging words! I feel so much better today, the world is a happy place, not a dark cloud over shadowing me. Had a couple of relapses but each time have, I lost more money and have a had the worse guilt and that horrible feeling again! It’s like I do it to myself on purpose and is pointless! Today I am focused, cleaned the fridge (whoop..life is so exciting lol) been swimming and work and am gonna enjoy the weather! Need to be strong and not continue on this bad road, stop chases loses and chase my dreams instead (where online slots aren’t welcome) x take care speak soon, it’s the weekend :)

Posted on:
Sat, 21/04/2018 - 07:44

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Morning all, just having my morning coffee and reading through some posts, using this time where usually I would of been playing on my frees to see if have any free spins which usually would lead to nothing but sometimes would but realise that the sites do this to keep you playing everyday and don’t want to close your account incase you had more frees to gain! That’s how you become hooked slowly because get in the habit of having hope to win everyday! These sites are not our friend, they are my worse enemy at the minute and I have grown to hate them! Some people spend their life on chat rooms playing games, seen same names over the course of time I have been playing, well that isn’t the life I chose! I wish I had never started but because I did I have learnt how strong I can be, how secretive I can be, how sad and desperate I have felt and the relationship/unconditional love and understanding of my mum who I have opened up to! I realise I have issues and somehow I punish myself but hoping can address this and move on!!

Counting my blessings today, and I do have a lot of them, if you looked from the outside into my life you wouldn’t think I had this dark cloud over me for all this time, kept smiling through and having this double deceitful life! Well no more, onwards and gonna try my hardest to get through! Having faith in myself today! :) Hope I can encourage or help anyone on here like some of you have helped me! Feeling the love Thanks guys x

 

 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 06:36

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Morning, just checking in! 

Day 3....! Staying strong, felt few urges, it’s funny how determined i can be then a voice keeps creeping in inside my mind to just play....’might win big on first few spins’ I know it is very very unlikely but still get this niggle! I did try to give up when I was up with my money so it makes no difference, would put back in anyway, I know that deep down but this voice keeps telling me different, your mind is a funny thing! I read the stories on here, understand and feel for members that are heading down the road to destruction, that’s what has helped focus on knowing I can do it, I have everything I could want, I have a beautiful family that love me, we don’t have loads of money  and I want to give them the best life they can have and by me spending time on my phone, playing stupid games to rob me of our money isn’t gonna help! Sending love to you all, keep on going, if slip up, be more determined to stop this taking over your life... is too short and precious xx 

 

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 18:07

Emptyp2

Joined:
2018-03-11

Good Luck and well done for Day 3 :) 

Baby steps and all that 

Sammy 

Posted on:
Sun, 22/04/2018 - 22:15

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Thanks Sammy, definately! Day 4 only a couple of hours away lol! :) 

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 07:41

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

I had a little slip again... but back to day 3 GF so haven’t posted for a couple of days as felt like a bit of a fool and guilty for giving in to my urges...! But now back stronger and seeing these sites for what they are, I decided to join on a site that I wasnt excluded from, stupid withdraw policies (won’t go into it) but it is corrupt and has a massive lack of duty of care to its customers! But knew this and still kept playing...! I feel I do it for the money but do it for the rush and anticipation but then the let down of all your money disappearing far out weighs that. Not only do these games draw you in and make it hard to stop playing with colours and big win flashing lights but the sites that run them clap there hands as soon as you make your deposits, as soon as make that deposit it’s gone, given our hard earned or borrowed money to this corrupt industry! Promotes the people that have won but doesn’t show all the many people that have just lost! 

I have cut up my credit cards, removed debit cards details off my PayPal account

I know I will never get that money back, but feel abit of relief finally realised these sites see you coming... we think we can out play them and get a few big wins but have to lose a hell of a lot to get that! I am done! My eyes have been opened and if I explained what I was doing to a non gambler it does sound as stupid as it actually is but we don’t see it as gripped by the addiction. 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 07:50

jjm2846

Joined:
2018-03-16

Same as you ......... Had a slip yesterday and feel stupid for doing it.

Same as you went to withdraw as I was up but had to email everything but the cats name. So........ Obviously I had to play a little more.

So more money gone but yet again its just another learning curve.

Stay strong C U.

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 08:45

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Oh thanks jjm, onwards on upwards we go! Xx watch this space, gonna proof we mean business xx

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 09:37

burko26

Joined:
2017-06-16

Hey CaughtUp, 

I read your diary and I see a lot of similarities between what you have gone though and what i was going through. I tried to stop but had multiple relapses. I think the best i did was 30 days...stupidly, I thought to myself that "if I can do 30 days, then I have nothing to worry about, i can have a gamble, then stay clean for 30 days".  That does not work though.

The best thing I have found is to come clean to a loved one (which you have to your mum). Give them your bank cards. Install gambling blocking software on your computer. Join a local gamblers anonymous group. Tell your loved one that you need help and support.

The urges to gamble are strong, it is very hard to over come them. You need to give yourself the best possible chance of doing so x

Posted on:
Thu, 26/04/2018 - 10:26

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hi Burko, well done on your GF days, thank you so much for the encouragement! Will have a look at your diary later and get inspiration from it! Seeking into getting help and blocking! Xx will let you know how get on 

Posted on:
Fri, 27/04/2018 - 15:58

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Day 4, been a strange day today, felt so anxious this morning, as day gone on... felt so overwhelmed by everything, spent abit of time on here today, on and off... now feel proud am on day 4 and am making steps to move forward! Glad it’s friday, have a GF weekend everyone xx 

Posted on:
Mon, 30/04/2018 - 06:33

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Day 7 Folks! One week GF, feels bloody awesome! Not been checking in and writing on diary... not much to say but reading lots of diaries and stories on here makes me realise how things can get so out of control so quickly..very scary! Makes me hate the world of gambling and that industry so much! Take care, smile... only five days to the weekend and it’s only a four day week next week xxx 

Posted on:
Mon, 30/04/2018 - 07:25

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Congratulations on being 1 week gamble free! 

Each second that passes by is a second further away from your last bet. 

Have a great day. 

Dan

Posted on:
Mon, 30/04/2018 - 09:56

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Thanks Dan xx very true - take care Buddy x

Posted on:
Tue, 01/05/2018 - 18:43

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

8 days Gamble free 

I am happy as can be 

Day 8 of being Gamble free 

Today I am very glad to be me :)x

 

 

 

 

Posted on:
Thu, 03/05/2018 - 17:37

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

10 days....! Been up and down emotionally today but staying strong! Thinking of gambling less and less so that’s good :) nearly the weekend :) x

Posted on:
Sat, 05/05/2018 - 05:12

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Twelve GF Days! Gonna be a glorious day so gonna enjoy and spend it with my beautiful family! Xx feeling lucky

 

Posted on:
Sat, 05/05/2018 - 08:48

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Have a great day, caughtup!

Well done on achieving 12 days GF. Keep it going buddy!

Posted on:
Wed, 09/05/2018 - 06:14

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Thank you Dan, didn’t see your message, been busy reading everyone else’s posts on here instead! Hope you doing ok matey! 

Day 16, feel free! So much less stress. So nice to not think about logging in and playing games, complete waste of time and money, don’t even want to play them!! The sheer desperation of having a loss, trying to get money together to chase loses is a feeling I don’t miss one bit! Sleeping so well, although always get up early...birds singing, nice and bright so don’t mind! 

Just trying to focus my energy on to positive, productive stuff that I can reap rewards off instead of a contributing my time and money to evil online games! I look at my family and feel so proud... they are growing up fast. I don’t wanna miss a thing with my nose stuck in my phone on a night panicking that I am juggling with our money! The thought of that makes me feel sick! I do believe my eyes have been opened to how these sites draw us in, try to keep us there and encourage us to keep playing! I don’t want to be a member of those sites anymore, don’t want any part of my life involved in it...! I am growing to believe I am worth more and that I want to shut, lock, chain, padlock and double lock that gambling door, never to be opened again! I know if I even slightly open it to peep it could drag me in and would harder to get out! I have come this far and walking further away from it, day by day! Love that fact, giving myself a pat on the back xxx

I have changed the title of my diary instead of ‘fell off wagon’ as now I have strapped myself into the wagon, holding on tight and staying here! Keeping my seat - a day at at time xx 

 

Posted on:
Fri, 11/05/2018 - 21:14

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Check me 18 days :) and it’s the weekend :)

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 07:03

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Morning! Looking at my gamble free days on profile 21 days feels good! Struggling and feeling odd urge but it is so nice to not have loses and guilt following me around all the time, got a super busy week, no room for gambling to hold me back :) xx

 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 08:33

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Congratulations on 21 days gamble free. You have a solid base to kick on from now. 

Keep it going! You’re doing brilliantly.

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 14:04

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Thank you Dan, lovely to see you back on here, you gonna beat this... I can feel it! Take care buddy xx 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 14:43

Muststop123

Joined:
2017-10-03

Hi Caughtup

Just read your diary through. Congrats on 21 days, you are doing great!

You sound like you are already starting to appreciate that life truly is so much better without gambling in it - we all have that choice of making our loved ones/ourselves totally miserable and losing all our money or enjoying everything life has to offer us. It does not sound like you have done too much damage to your finances so you can focus purely on never gambling again without worrying about how to resolve money problems at the same time.

I don't believe that blocks on their own can stop you gambling permanently, you have to really want to stop gambling and not just want to stop losing money, but I do think they are a good way to make you stop and think before we do something stupid. Have you got any blocks in place like Gamstop or software on your phone/tablet/PC? I have just signed upto Gamstop for 5 years - if I never want to gamble again, why would I not sign up?

Keep up the good work

Muststop123

 

 

Posted on:
Mon, 14/05/2018 - 16:42

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hi Muststop, aww thank you so much for taking the time to read my diary and comment! Means so much.. the support on here is lovely! I have signed up to Gamstop for five years which feels so good, I used K9 for a little while but couldn’t get away with that one, will look into more though! I feel I am one of the lucky ones... my finances aren’t too damaged even though we do struggle for money which is maybe one of the reasons I was attracted to gambling in the first place but I feel in a couple of months time, things should start looking up as I am looking into refunds from payday loans I have had and already been offered £340 back from one company so that’s positive stuff! I keep thinking, maybe things happen for a reason, I do have more than I ever want (not material things) but family and health are most important, never want to stress myself out and put myself or family in jeopardy because of these stupid games ever again! And I do like to help others so hopefully I can be like you on here and be an inspiration- fantastic racking up all those GF days, hats off to you! Take care, see u around on this fantastic forum, so glad I found you all xxx feel the love 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2018 - 16:27

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hello, it is a glorious day so made the most of it, park and garden, bought some pretty plants as well as enjoying the sun!  with my youngest! Day 22 GF. Had a lovely time, bearly thought of horrible gambling, is not gonna spoil my thinking today, been reading alittle on the forum, some members are so strong... is fantastic! I read today someone saying about feeling normal - well I do kinda, and so much happier! Certainly want to keep it this way! It is a deep evil that follows you around, takes over your thoughts, takes your money, and time as well as your self esteem! Hate it! Love my life too much! Got to catch up alittle on my finances for a good few months due to damage I caused last month but not fretting to much! Staying positive x

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2018 - 18:07

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Positive is the way forward, definitely! I’m much more at ease with myself when I’m not gambling. There’s no guilt or dirty little secret following me round everywhere. You’re spot on, it’s like being ‘normal’ again. I’m glad you’re feeling so much happier. That comes as a result from not gambling. I know that it’s stating the obvious but we must always tell ourselves that. Gambling creates misery. 

Stay positive, Caughtup. There’s good times ahead :) 

Posted on:
Tue, 15/05/2018 - 18:59

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Thanks Dan! Love you are living up to your name, feel like you my little pal on here! As well as few others I had seen over the past few weeks, is lovely all the encouragement !

Yes it does create misery but when in the mist of it.. hard to see a way out! I don’t even wanna play those games, certainly isn’t fun, would of preferred if I had of flushed my money down the toilet than given it to those greedy casinos, never mind... they won’t be seeing any of my hard earned cash or watching me spin my time away ever again hopefully! Life is hard but getting a buzz from being GF which is ironic! Even got a massive buzz from signing up to Gamstop, easy plessed xx :) 

Posted on:
Thu, 17/05/2018 - 07:34

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Hope all is good in your world, Caughtup....x

Posted on:
Thu, 17/05/2018 - 10:03

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hello Dan, thanks for popping in to say hi, doing ok.. felt anxious this morning so using my energy to clean today, (just having a coffee and break to check in) and speed awareness course later (whoops!) hope you enjoying running and keeping well. Am up to 24 days now and is soon mounting up! I don’t even want to play games so that’s a bonus. Yesterday had money in my account and paid bills so all good! Will pop on here later tonight to have a little catch up! Have a fab day everyone xx 

Posted on:
Sat, 19/05/2018 - 06:14

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Morning,.....yippee! Up to 26 days GF now! Busy day planned so just popping in! Doing good! Still getting guilt alittle from previous binges but moving forward :) feel more in control, more aware of what’s around me, grateful and a lot happier! I am having massive bouts of anxiety but will try manage that somehow! Enjoy your sunny, GF weekend everyone, keep smiling and keep hold tight of your well earned cash... been able to treat one of my loved ones yesterday, that gives me a better buzz than those horrid slots :) x

Posted on:
Sat, 19/05/2018 - 11:32

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Wow, 26 days already! :)

Almost a month! You’re doing great, Caughtup.

Busy days are good when in recovery. Have a lovely sunny Saturday. 

I hope to always be 20 days behind you. 

Dan

Posted on:
Sun, 20/05/2018 - 01:49

Anne. 1

Joined:
2018-05-17

Hi well done I'm quite new here not gambled for 5 days I'm feeling better today hope I can keep to it. I'm not sure how this all works here don't really do no how to write posts here, I have been doing the diary. I hope we all get free here and encourage one an other. I need all the help I can get feeling lonely and sad about all the money I have wasted on stupid gambling.

Posted on:
Mon, 21/05/2018 - 07:05

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Hi Anne, thank u for your support! Aww well done on your GF days, as each day goes by it soon mounts up! Hope you are feeling not so sad and lonely, we have all been there that’s why we are here! All here to encourage, support, the forum is lovely and a huge help! 

Day 28... wowwee! Feel like a different person than I did four weeks ago! The thought of gambling sickens me...! Feel proud each day that passes and so blessed! :) enjoy Monday peeps! Xx 

Posted on:
Mon, 21/05/2018 - 16:25

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Well done on 4 whole weeks gamble free!!! Impressed? Hell yeah!

I’m glad that you’re feeling differently from 28 days ago :)

Keep riding the gamble-free train. It’s an enjoyable ride. 

You’re a winner, Caughtup! x

Posted on:
Tue, 22/05/2018 - 10:03

xangel11x

Joined:
2018-02-23

Very proud of you caughtup, every single day you are winning against this horrible addiction and in the meantime being so encouraging with your posts on the forum I find inspiration in lots of them :) 

Keep strong, much love x

Posted on:
Tue, 22/05/2018 - 17:52

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Aww that’s so sweet, thank you for dropping by Hun, lovely we are both on the same path, skipping along, not turning back..well done you too my lovely! Xx so nice having no guilt and thinking about being normal isn’t it! Take care angel, speak soon xx

Posted on:
Thu, 24/05/2018 - 22:35

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Hey Caughtup, a belated congratulations on reaching 30 days gamble free. Your journey is well and truly underway. There’s no stopping you now!

Thanks for your post on my diary. 

Another 5km completed today. All contributing to getting myself fit and trim again :)

Keep on winning in life, Caughtup! You’re doing amazing. 

Dan x

Posted on:
Fri, 25/05/2018 - 12:35

caughtup

Joined:
2018-03-01

Thanks Dan... you are doing fantastic! Keep on cracking on!

It is funny when you step away from playing on these stupid slots for alittle while you realise what’s in front of you, I always appreciate what I have but I know it sounds abit cheesy but when you take a step back and look at your life, looking at my kids faces longer and hugging them tighter, texting my friends more often, being proud of myself instead of being on a hamster wheel all the time. Life is so hard but so much harder if gambling!

’Life’s for the living so live it! 

I have played online games everyday..for about 32 months (2 an a half years)...now into 32 days GF! Feel like a human being not a zombie going through the motions of losing then losing then winning then losing then losing etc. It is a complete waste of time. Lovely not to be distracted thinking about what time the free bingo is etc.... Nice to look in the mirror and see me, not me looking ashamed and tired of it all. Thanks so much for everyone’s support on here! Hopefully I can keep on this track... don’t ever wanna look back! 

Keep strong! Xxx enjoy the weekend GF my forum friends xx

Posted on:
Sat, 26/05/2018 - 15:50

DeterminedDan

Joined:
2016-09-08

Hey, Caughtup, just checking in to see how you’re going on this fine Saturday and to give you an encouragement and positivity boost :)

Dan x

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