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When things feel different  

 
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)

Hi all

This is just a question for others out there who may have been through a similar feeling. So to cut a long story short I have been gambling for 5 years. It’s always been online slots, and I have accumulated nearly £38k of debt in that time. I have lied, behaved appallingly, and turned into a different person over the 5 years.

I have stopped a few times before which never lasted more than 2 months. Each time I stopped I felt positive, and like I was ready to do it. I even felt like I had hit rock bottom the last time I decided enough was enough, but I still fell at the first hurdle.

This New Year’s Eve I gambled my entire wages in 4 hours and spent midnight crying into my pillow feeling suicidal, trapped, and like I couldn’t take it anymore. New Years day the urge to chase was overpowering, although I had no money.
A week after new year I woke up one morning and felt like some kind of light bulb had come on. I thought long and hard about what gambling has done to me, who it’s made me become, and how it’s affected my mental health, my finances, and the people around me. I felt this feeling of disgust (not unknown to me to me honest) but a huge realisation and like some kind of switch went on in my head.
Now my problem has always been when I have money. I joined GameStop a year ago, but managed ways around it. This feeling of realisation has stayed with me to this day.

I spent yesterday writing out a list of my finances and a budget plan, and I’ve scheduled in Counselling. I’m not so desperate to pay back the debts as fast as I can, but know it will take years of hard work and dedication.

I got a small amount of money today from a part time job I do from home around my day job. I have gambled this money I get every month for the last 5 years. I received the money and had zero urges to gamble. I used it the second I saw it to pay a bit off the credit card.

What I don’t understand is why or how I am feeling differently. Has anyone else had a lightbulb moment like this? I am wondering how it’s happened as I’ve never felt so willing to change my life as I do at the moment. But it’s a calmness inside knowing what I need to do rather than the over the top motivation and highs that I would feel the last time’s I’ve tried to stop.
I sound like a crazy person and I am not overly religious, but it’s like someone has shone a light on me for the first time and is guiding me.

Has anyone had anything similar happen? Or am I just mad lol 

Quote
Posted : 15th January 2020 10:14 pm
Embarrassed gal
(@embarrassed-gal)

Hi liveinhope

im so glad to see your honest post (I really needed this tonight) I’m the same my lightbulb moment was NYE. For me I feel it’s to do with the decade, I thought to myself I cannot be this person in 10 years time nows the time to change my life! 

It’s  my 1st payday tomorrow since registering. And tonight I’m filled with overwhelming anxiety about it. Like you I have written out where every penny needs to go and I’ve set my alarm at the crack of dawn to make all these payments etc.

This for me will be the 1st time in about 6 years I’ve not gambled my wages within hours of receiving them. 1st I’m not saying up until past 12 for my limits to reset. Not sitting in a toilet at work trying to win money in 10 minutes.

I feel like this is our time live in hope! 

xxx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th January 2020 10:41 pm
c43h
 c43h
(@c43h)

Feelings come and go and so do urges. My realisation is that I will always need to be on gamblocks and gamstops because of this impulse control disorder. Having a lot of money sets of the urge to gamble as it is the fuel that keeps the wheels turning. Once the money is gone you go and get some more to get even with the machines but you do not stop even if you win because when you get down from that dopamine high you also get anxious and depressed + every time you get that rush after a win you just made that starting stretch for the new high just that bit longer. Addiction mathematics = you need more of the same to get on with the high. So if you are an addict you can not control gambling because you lack the impulses to say no.

The only thing that works is totally banning yourself from everything that has anything to do with gambling and walk away for good. That is why alcoholics go tea total etc. Nothing else works.

Why I am saying this is that I hope it will bring you insight into your journey where ever that may take you. 

Best of luck in your recovery!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th January 2020 11:01 pm
StevenU
(@stevenu)

Hi liveinhope and others on this post.

I was gambling out of control for 6 years up until 21st July last year. I seemed help at a place called Gordon Moody's. The rehabilitation place lasted 14 weeks and I can honestly say it's the best thing I have ever done in my life and it tops going in the army and serving for country.

 

I have been gamble free for nearly 6 months (which will be 6months next week) and its cause I had time to slow down and learn and piece my life together. I got messed over by someone through property and got 35k worth of debt from it and then butchered 5k of debt in payday loans. My life was put of control for6 years but worse for the last 2-3. Like you lady and gents I would fritter away my wages and then start manipulating others for money to get food, petrol or to gamble with. It's a vicious life and I tried many times to stop. But the reality is your demons have won for so long they will batter your resistance.  I got to about week 7 in recovery and realised that my conscious is out weighing my demons for the first time in 6 years. Prior to leaving the programme you get a thing called freedom back where you dont need to buddy with anyone to go out. I felt powerful, in control and walked with a swagger. And them traits and poise is still with me now. I dont even think about betting, I  am saving money and got counter measures in place to save and protect myself from gambling. Also with a great support network I have built from my time in G.M. 

I went bankrupt when I left G.M. 6 years compared to 12 years of paying back and it to have a hold against me it was the best option. It might appear to be a bit of easy way out but it took so much weight of my shoulders. 

 

I am new to this site just to try and help others and give support cause if I can help one person then fantastic!

 

Like I have mentioned Gordon Moody check it out online it's so worth it! It might drag, feel boring and long winded but it's better to get your life back rather than letting this vicious disease controlling you. 

 

Take care and feel free to ask questions.

 

Steven U

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2020 3:04 am
c43h
 c43h
(@c43h)

Welcome @stevenu

Thank you for sharing your story. I would recommend that you start either in the new member's section or copy your introduction to your own topic as we are both in @liveinhope35 post having this conversation. That will give the rest of the forum a chance to say hello.

Good luck in your recovery!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2020 7:37 am
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)
You have got this! You can completely change this payday. I understand the anxiety. If you feel overwhelmed please reach out to me. I know this month you can make a difference to the start of this year. Tell yourself today I will not gamble. One day at a time, but I complete have every faith in you that today is the day you can make that needed change. Please let me know how you get on today xx
 
 

Posted by: Embarrassed gal

Hi liveinhope

im so glad to see your honest post (I really needed this tonight) I’m the same my lightbulb moment was NYE. For me I feel it’s to do with the decade, I thought to myself I cannot be this person in 10 years time nows the time to change my life! 

It’s  my 1st payday tomorrow since registering. And tonight I’m filled with overwhelming anxiety about it. Like you I have written out where every penny needs to go and I’ve set my alarm at the crack of dawn to make all these payments etc.

This for me will be the 1st time in about 6 years I’ve not gambled my wages within hours of receiving them. 1st I’m not saying up until past 12 for my limits to reset. Not sitting in a toilet at work trying to win money in 10 minutes.

I feel like this is our time live in hope! 

xxx

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2020 11:09 am
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)

Thank  you c43h

You are very right. I have made all the necessary steps to block. I now have Gamban for phone and laptop. I am on GameStop. But like you say I am an addict and I will not become complacent. I will always have to have blocks, I will always have to stop myself from falling back in. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me some sound words of wisdom. I always appreciate it 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2020 11:14 am
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)

Thank you so much Steven 

what a wonderful post and congratulations on your gamble free months! An amazing achievement. I will look into the programme it sounds brilliant. I hope you walk with a swagger down the street for many years to come. I appreciate you story and kind words 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2020 11:17 am
Golfkid46
(@golfkid46)

Hi keep it up , glad u posted , I thought I was strange stopping overnight, over last 36 years tried every possible way to give up GA , counselling the lot nothing seemed to work, I was in deep debt ,wagering this is from my last statement with b—365  three quarter of million in one month alone, then one day just had to stop other than Gamstop no special ways.

how and why I have gone over a year without thoughts of relapse I don’t know maybe it’s just lack of pressures from all the different things I should do to give up this illness, from VIP customer to giving up in one day. I am very very blessed . 
Will always remember the pain so may this feeling of calm stay with me.

sorry to make out easy it’s not lost family , bankruptcy, friends all the normal addictions consequences. Before one moment changed everything.

Wishing everyone a lightbulb moment, my life and your lives can be wonderful again. Reached a milestone this month £1k in savings seems huge . 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2020 12:26 pm
Liveinhope35
(@liveinhope35)

Wow golf kid that is really interesting and I have admiration for you.

it’s so reassuring to hear someone had that feeling of just completely having enough of it all. I honestly feel like I’ve just had enough. I’m mentally and physically tired of it all. So much so I don’t even want the high of a win, I just want my life back. 

My trigger is payday and feeling stressed/depressed. I have two weeks before I’m paid so for me that will be the ultimate test. I just have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to put things right and do it so I still have the time to live a normal life in the next 4 years as I head towards being 40. And I want to do it for my other half, my kids and everyone else around me. They all deserve me to get better. 

Keep up the amazing work! You must be so proud. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2020 7:19 pm
KS2
 KS2
(@ks2)

Hi Liveinhope,

I’m not sure it was a lightbulb moment, but on my last day gambling, I just felt really, really tired of it all.

The danger for me is I go through periods when I am hugely positive, don’t even think about gambling. This can be for weeks or months. After my first GA meeting I was euphoric.

however, something happens and I can find myself in a black hole where the urge to bet is almost overwhelming.

This is why I need all the blocks, the self exclusions, the lack of access to money or credit, and the reminder that recovery doesn’t come easy. It’s hard work - it’s about openness, honesty and it’s not just about not gambling again.

It also helps if you have someone who can pull you out of that abyss - which I guess is what a GA sponsor does.

If your trigger is payday then you maybe need to hand your finances over to your partner.

Don’t see it as a weakness- see it as you are doing something positive to fight your addiction.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th January 2020 9:03 pm
Embarrassed gal
(@embarrassed-gal)

Hi Liveinhope how have you been getting along? 

xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th February 2020 11:32 pm
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