Ladies and gentlemen, I somehow, someway went 82 days without any gambling. Until yesterday when I lost £500 on roulette as soon as my exclusion ended.
I excluded myself again but it's just disgusting what I did. Yes gambling is indeed an illness but I realised today that it definitely is something that we do to ourselves. We make our own choices. And it was my choice to ruin my amazing run. I'm looking to get a mortgage sorted somehow but it's impossible as I can't go for months and months without gambling-or should I rephrase that-I choose not to go months and months without gambling.
We can place blocks and self exclude ourselves. We can ALL do it. But we choose not to and then complain and moan when we lose. That's a really sad state of affairs. To know that you can do something about the horror that is gambling but people including myself choose to NOT do anything because we...like to keep gambling and keep having this insane false perception in our heads that gambling will solve our problems when WE KNOW GAMBLING DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING.
I am disappointed and disgusted with myself. I know I'm better than this. And I bet everyone that reads this is better than this.
there is no way of putting a positive spin on this.
Excuse the punt.
We will never realise completely that gambling resolves nothing.
I done the same last night.
But I lied to my mum and used her account... I didn't even cash out when I was up...
Gambling makes me feel dirty and scummy. But yet I still want to do it.
Why
Hello X M
Relapse happens, however, its what you do about it that counts. You have come straight on here and shared your devastation with your peers. The biggest cause of Relapse is complacency and perhaps you stopped putting your Recovery first. A very wise saying 'When you get there, remember where you came from' - it is too easy to forget the pain, shame, guilt, devastation caused by problem gambling. This does not mean to walk around morbidly in the past, however, to be reminded of where gambling can take you.
Usually the 'thinking changes' way before the Relapse takes place. You have stated that you feel 'disgusted' with yourself - is this what you would think about someone else who relapse's? I think not, therefore, please don't be so brutal with yourself. Of course take your Relapse seriously by putting in place protection and looking what you are doing on your recovery path. Recovery is a continuous journey with many bumps along the way. The 12 step program states that the first 9 steps get you 'there' and the last '3' step are the maintence steps and keep you moving forward.
Never forget that problem gambling is cunning, powerful and baffling and without help it is too much.
Again good on you for sharing which will help someone else which in return will help you. Many people ask HOW? how do I stop gambling? Look at the word H.O.W = Honesty Opendmind-ness and Willingness that's how.
Please feel free to give one of our Advisers a call should you need further support or any information.
Best
Amanda
Firstly, may I say I like this forum admin Amanda, quoting GA stuff is just wonderful to see.
Secondly, for @x-m, get back up, brush yourself down, look at what went wrong and do something different.
Blocks on their own are not going to be enough. There needs to be additional support, either through counselling through a Gamcare affiliate or a GA group. Long term a change needs to happen otherwise you will continually be relapsing. You can have a life free from the financial and mental misery that problem gambling brings but it requires work on your part.
If you have any questions please just ask. You know you can do it and you'll do it again. One day at a time.
Chris.
Hi xm, how long have you excluded for this time? If you've gone for a short spell again you are putting added pressure on yourself in your mind you are counting it down to when it runs out instead of counting up the gamble free days. I hope you've gone for much longer this time , as compulsive gamblers we need all the help we can get to abstain, indeed it's always there but I'm finding that the more months I'm gamble free the longer I'm going without even thinking about it. My strength comes from firstly the blocks without them I know that I would really struggle through the vulnerable which are inevitable from time to time. Secondly have you tried GA or some counselling, there is nothing more powerful than help or advice from other compulsive gamblers. Logging in here more often and posting more often is really helpful, I don't post every day but I do read every day I find it keeps me grounded and when I read posts that move me.....like yours today....it serves as a healthy reminder to me of the distress and harm I caused to myself and loved ones, it toughened my resolve to continue with my recovery. Have a long hard think about what you can do different 82 days is a huge achievement, you've come back and owned it hats off to you, don't beat yourself up learn and move forward
we've all been there i relapsed and blew 300+ one sunday afternoon about a month ago because i was bored
its demoralising having to go back to day 1 but once you get a month under your belt its soon forgotten about especially if your finances are otherwise healthy
i think i hit 30 days tomorrow had no real urges to gamble just plodding along nicely , lockdowns ending the weather is improving summer is coming
a lot to look forward too
Yeah. It's horrible. I was up. I bet most people are but we never stop. And then we carry on until we lose. It's just bizarre. So much happier when not gambling.
You are correct. Once that first month is done it is actually a much better feeling and I'd even say if you go a couple of weeks after getting paid and still haven't gambled then it's only a couple more weeks to payday and if you can keep doing that and just save rather than waste, life can be so much better
I was actually doing really well by just blocking and doing other things instead. I don't know why, something must just trigger it. Or just the demon returning. I don't know.
Hi. Thanks for your message. I excluded two years. I can't get on any casino sites that I know of. However I still have a Sky Bet account open which I can't get onto the casino sites there. Weirdly, I could still bet on football and horses which I used to enjoy but I don't even do that. It's the addiction of the casino sites that has ruined me.
Thank you
Hi XM.
We dont do it to ourselves with a straight mind though. The mind isnt healthy and its a complex addiction
The addicted part of your mind was controlling you. Its a split mind disorder and we have a lot to learn about the power of the brain to overide everything for its urges or its fix.
Im not the person I was in 2015. That wasnt the real me in 2015 and the very scary thing is Ive been that way for decades. Scary that something inside swung me enough to leave me without money for food or shelter
Yes I accept responsibility in order to recover...yes nobody else did it or forced me. However its not as simple as that and I was actually very ill even though the addiction made me feel normal but silly if you understand what Im getting at.
I was addicted to the drug of gambling and it altered my mind. For forty years I would look at a machine and just had to go to it even if I pondered for a while over a pint.
It was my drug of escape...the addiction that got me and helped bankrupt me twice.
You will stop this when you get monitored and realise you can never be complacent again for the rest of your life. You will break free when you know that telling people about your feelings is highly important.
Ive been depressed all my life with a few happy breaks. Im only now getting in touch with my feelings and understanding what life is all about.
My best advice is that breaks are not a sign of any control until you have had the born again moment and just know that gambling is the most dangerous thing you can do and you need all the help you can get
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hi XM.
We dont do it to ourselves with a straight mind though. The mind isnt healthy and its a complex addiction
The addicted part of your mind was controlling you. Its a split mind disorder and we have a lot to learn about the power of the brain to overide everything for its urges or its fix.
Im not the person I was in 2015. That wasnt the real me in 2015 and the very scary thing is Ive been that way for decades. Scary that something inside swung me enough to leave me without money for food or shelter
Yes I accept responsibility in order to recover...yes nobody else did it or forced me. However its not as simple as that and I was actually very ill even though the addiction made me feel normal but silly if you understand what Im getting at.
I was addicted to the drug of gambling and it altered my mind. For forty years I would look at a machine and just had to go to it even if I pondered for a while over a pint.
It was my drug of escape...the addiction that got me and helped bankrupt me twice.
You will stop this when you get monitored and realise you can never be complacent again for the rest of your life. You will break free when you know that telling people about your feelings is highly important.
Ive been depressed all my life with a few happy breaks. Im only now getting in touch with my feelings and understanding what life is all about.
My best advice is that breaks are not a sign of any control until you have had the born again moment and just know that gambling is the most dangerous thing you can do and you need all the help you can get
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Hello. Thanks for your message.
I have gone through the past 18 years or so having a lot if "reborn" moments only to end up back to the demonic hell. The past year or so after my gf broke up with me I've been looking a lot into mental health and addiction etc. It is really more complex than I thought. Also I hate the way it is stigmatised. If you have an addiction, everyone looks at you negatively (unless people who have been addicts before as they'd understand).
Yes Thanks.
I believe the mind does heal when we abstain and learn that gambling is the most dangerous thing we could do.
I have no wish to gamble because I simply associate it with pain and there are no upsides to it. I understand the odds and I understand addiction
I wasnt even gambling for something that would have changed my life. I could have borrowed the maximum amount anyway. The truth is I was an escape gambler as most machine players are. It was also an act of self harm when I felt hurt or aggrieved. It had much less to do with the money and more about the feeling of be good to me...somebody be kind to me.
Only its so complex that I ended up playing to lose...playing to be cheated..playing for the near miss. All of these things causes a chemical surge and any emotion above or below numb.
Theres no way after losing the price of a house I could have said it was ever an income scheme or easy money. Countless thousands a year chucked away and I barely felt elated if I did walk out with something. I was like a lab animal pushing a button ( I dont like the thought of animals for experiments) but they soon turned me into a mindless zombie seeking a fix.
There is no shame in talking about your addiction so try not to worry about stigmitization. Some say we are all on the addictive scale to something.
You can break the cycle and I hope you can get people close to protect your money. Any method of gambling you can access is like leaving the door wide open.
If I ever think that a gambling feeling is taking over again I pick up the phone and all sorts of measures swing into place. Its a great feeling knowing I have support and we have discusses all the possible triggers points...stress ...rubbish job...travelling away from home....all hope lost and motorway service stations would be my worst nightmare
Im quite happy now but Im not naive and Im not complacent
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
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