Trying to turn the corner..

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(@antswifey0)
Posts: 19
Topic starter
 

Hello,

I started online slots about 10 years ago and I have been to very dark places over those years because of my actions- i am ashamed, ive lied and I feel total failure as i have huge debts.   Ive had a great career, well paid. lovely home, nice things lovely husband. 

Over the 10 years my mental health has suffered, my husband found out about my squandering as we nearly lost the house, he took over most of the finances to make sure bills got paid but i still fought to have monies and now we live separate lives in same house as he's lost all trust with me and i cant discuss anything regarding money with him because i get defensive straight away and say stupid things like its his fault!   it's really not the case it totally my fault. 

I have major debts in my name only, he knows a little but not all.  i am trying to pay but any money in my bank account goes to online casinos... i am self excluded from as many as i find. 

The pattern usually is i search online all avenues-... after wasting a few hundred pound and having zero pennies left I panic and send them an email to close my account.. the next night i'm searching for another to open account and start the process all over again. 

The problem is there is always somewhere to find to spend your money- mobile phone, laptop, scratchcards, ...

I feel so crafty the lengths i would go too.... Ive drove 10pm up the motorway to go on the slots at services- approx 15 miles drive.     But what for?    I know I will never make a withdrawal, believe me i've had some great wins and would of got me back on the level again financially but cant hold on to it. And if any of you guys are thinking 'i would if i had big win' please don't kid yourselves. 

Thats the stupid part, my clever brain is saying you should just put your cash in bucket outside and burn it as i'm totally throwing it away.. but yes it is the buzz the thrill the lights and whistles....  Ive tried CBT and lady was lovely and she is the only person i have been able to be honest with, it didn't stop me gambling but i suppose she made me realise as pathetic as i feel it is an addiction, there is no real fix. I will always be a gambler but eventually i hope to be a recovering gambler.

Last night for the first time in many years i had a few hundred pound in my current account from some work i did, my husband had gone to bed, ...played then deposited again, but then got fed up = spent every penny in the new account (as usual)  but still had money in my bank account and just thought to myself  'ive had enough im going bed' .  doesn't sound much but honestly that is such a big deal for me, it means i didn't spend every penny!! 

Im sorry i do go on but this is so therapeutic and if anyone does read this i am determined to work towards stopping, this really feels like progress for me. I feel ive been very very low but now im going to work towards paying those debts.  As soon as money hits account then buy something nice for me, husband or home every month. i need to start living again. x

 

 

This topic was modified 4 years ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 21st February 2020 12:13 am
(@sardo122)
Posts: 46
 

Well done on not spending the last  amount in your bank account. The hardest part while actively gambling is cutting your losses. But are you going to spend it tonight?

It sounds like you have an emotional connection to gambling on the slots, most gamblers do too. It takes them into a different world - it's them and the machine or the dealer. I still have massive issues with gambling and it was mostly online roulette which can be a horror show in 5 minutes betting big when losing, but when winning can be 'cozy' from time and again to know that it's just me and the machine.

This post was modified 4 years ago by sardo122
 
Posted : 21st February 2020 3:21 am
(@antswifey0)
Posts: 19
Topic starter
 

Thank you for you’re reply and truths, I think you have a point I do feel I’m in my own little world for that time on the games. I’m never desperate and frustrated waiting for a win... I’m quite calm and just continue to press the buttons until balance is zero ?‍♀️ It’s like I have given in, surrendered completely to it. 
I didn’t go back on last night but feeling twitchy now, I’m going try stay busy. I’m going block cards today too say they are lost and need replacements sending- gives me weekend  not gambling maybe. 
Payplan have been brill with tackling my debts  and sorted a manageable monthly payment scheme so I no longer have individual companies harassing me.... 
we can do this. We can do this.  we are smart we are strong we just need not beat ourselves up.  The industry has abused us... financially and emotionally manipulated and preyed on us.
But let’s not give them any more of our cash it’s ours.

thankyou and I wish you well. 

 
Posted : 21st February 2020 9:07 am
(@libbyuk87)
Posts: 28
 

Have you thought about signing up to GamStop? It was best thing I ever did, after many many relapses with online casinos and countless nights of having spent every penny I had. 

 
Posted : 21st February 2020 11:01 pm
(@antswifey0)
Posts: 19
Topic starter
 

Hi Libbyuk87,

I joined GamStop last year and it hasn't worked for me. Ive found ways around it.

This morning Ive told the my bank my cards are lost so please block and to send new ones... Ive had some money paid into my bank account today from some work i did, I knew it was being paid in today so wanted to give myself the best chance of keeping it in account.  That is only so i can have weekend with no bank cards and therefore no gambling online. I then can put petrol in car and do food shop.  Im really trying to keep my money from casinos.  

Thank you for your kind thoughts

 

 
Posted : 22nd February 2020 2:00 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5968
Admin
 

Dear @antswifey0,

You can request from your bank to put a block on gambling transactions on your account/card. This of course depends on who you bank with, but it's worth checking and asking. And if your bank doesn't currently offer this then it's worth swapping to one that does. Santander, Barclays, Lloyds, Halifax, Starling and Monzo all do.

It sounds to me that this probably is a safer way forward for you.

Also it might be helpful to find out what your triggers are. The more you understand your triggers the more opportunity you will have to put strategies in place to either avoid the triggers or (if they are unavoidable) to find ways to cope with them in a positive way.

Keep posting and sharing and please feel free to call our Helpline or Netline any time for some one-to-one support and advice, we are here 24/7.

Wishing you all the best in your recovery,

Eva

Forum Admin

 

 
Posted : 22nd February 2020 5:20 am
acorn83
(@acorn83)
Posts: 43
 

I’ve recently stopped all activity and it’s great that there are blocks in place but it’s these scratch cards that are hard to ban from, the lotto need to introduce a national ban yourself from buying and send to every retailer 

I mean they can do it for shop lifters (police) so why not for gambling addicts like? 

the best thing to do is forget the money you’ve lost, it’ll never come back even if you carry on gambling, my way of dealing with it was to slam hours in at work and because I work in care it’s easy to get overtime (I could turn up today if I wanted and it’s my day off) it does take your mind off it, I try to make sure I finish at a time when all the local shops are shut so I have no option than to drive past them, I’ve recently changed my gas and electric to smart meters so I can avoid going into shops that sell scratch cards when I top my gas up as I can now do it online 

I have just joined a gym with a pool and a jacuzzi, you have no idea how amazing a jacuzzi is to take your mind off gambling, it’s literally my own counselling that is, and the memberships £27 a month for everything, I was spending that a day on scratch cards 

if you do join a gym then be honest with the trainer who inducts you, I told mine I was a recovering addict and his words were ‘ your not the first and you won’t be the last to come to me and say that’ so a lot of people must see the gym as a bit of therapy to get over the addiction 

I went in at first after someone told me to use a gym and thought it was nonsense, how wrong could I have been, and my gym even has its own counseller 

im at a point in my life where I’m lucky as I’ve only thrown money away I’ve earned and not got into debt because of it, however not so lucky as I could have been as I could have saved a lot of money which would have helped me when I’m older such as adding it to a pension etc 

I know it sucks and right now you feel like you can’t do it but trust me I did and even though I’m not far into my programme I’ll still always be an addict sadly you’ll always be an addict but a recovering addict 

you’ll be ok and if you need to talk message me 

 
Posted : 22nd February 2020 1:54 pm
(@antswifey0)
Posts: 19
Topic starter
 

Hi Eva,   I am with NatWest and yes they say i can block my card,,,,, but guess what,,,,,, I can unblock it using the banking app on my phone anytime (instant unblock)  I seem to know every trick in the book!!  I cant open a new bank account because of my 'very poor' credit status.

It seems my trigger is money in my account and when husband goes to bed i can sit on laptop for hours... searching for online casinos.  I just think the only real obstacle is by having no access to money and the only way at the moment is saying card is lost so the bank blocks it completely. But a new one will arrive next week and loop starts again... hopefully i've paid a few bills before then. 

Well done acorn83, you seem a lot stronger and honest than me. It's great that you are facing up and owning your addiction.

You are right of course we shouldn't feel shame but I aren't there at all. i'm still living a life of pretence, to all my family (not husband) Im absolutely fine, work hard but when i say i cant afford holiday or something new for house they often say 'you must be loaded all the hours you work" they mean it in a friendly manner but how do i say no I work hard to pay for the debts and will probably paying for many years... 

I wish i could get rid of my smart phone, laptop but i need access to the internet for work. i wish i could not have a debit/credit card but i need one for my business.  the blocks don't seem to help me. Gamblock didnt work for me, bank blocks not working for me, i cant speak to husband he doesnt understand, he thinks I should have some self control... me too 🙁 

Im just taking day to day now. Going try fill spare time with hobby and get better sleep pattern, 

Thank you for listening and let me ramble on. x

 

 
Posted : 22nd February 2020 11:21 pm
(@antswifey0)
Posts: 19
Topic starter
 

Im sitting here in my living room with my husband fast asleep in bed.....

Ive had email from online site offering vip status and they have credited my account XX ....  Ive just been on and turned it into XX and then I see the balance go slowly down to zero.  Im usually depositing between  XX-XX at a time and This is the moment of panic, I need to deposit because I think one of the games is going to pay out!!!  

Thank god i blocked my card as i then had time to think I haven't lost anything tonight, I then sent an email to request they close that account. 

I feel good- I have gambled but not put my money in and Im also blocked from using that site again. 🙂 

Dont get me wrong even as i'm writing this i'm thinking about other sites i could try but the point is I have no access to money so that tactic is working for now. 

I honestly aren't kidding myself I did gamble again.  But proud that forward planned as i knew this weekend would be temptation with some of my salary still sitting in my bank account. 

so I'll now go and get some sleep feeling a little stronger. 🙂 . 

this site is giving me strength and hope, each day i will fight this demon.

thank you everyone for your honesty..

julie

x

This post was modified 4 years ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 24th February 2020 2:15 am

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