Time to reflect on some miserable years (pt1)

I See now that it is a long read. Might be a bit too much detail, but perhaps some might like it.

This is part 1.

Most mornings, the first things that happens when I wake up is that I say or almost shout a swear word. Not because I missed my alarm, overslept, or whatever. It is just that at this point I would prefer to never wake up again.

A lot of things happened before I got to this stage of not seeing value in life anymore. For me it all goes back to just one cause which is my persistent gambling addiction. It has grown over the years to something so strong and uncontrollable that it heavily impacts my life.

Let’s go back to the beginning, because you don’t develop a gambling addiction overnight.

Note: I am from the Netherlands, just moved to the UK, so my English might not be perfect

My first experience with gambling was around 2006, when I was 16 years old. A group of friends played poker on a regular basis, so I joined them. I turned out to be pretty good at it, not the best, but having profit more often than a loss made it an enjoyable event. It was with small amounts of money (€x-x on a night) and the main purpose of the evening was just to have fun.

After a while, some of us started exploring internet poker and it didn’t take long before I gave it a try as well. It was merely low stakes, but I remember the first time that I won some serious money (€x) by winning an online tournament with a xcent buy-in. It gave some form of confidence of being a better player and it could be a fun way to make some money. This was great, and it didn’t take long before the stakes were increasing.

I don’t know exactly how long it lasted, but eventually I lost the full sum of winnings that I made. Most people who experienced something similar can probably relate, as it felt like I lost €x of my own money. It made me angry and it felt unfair that I lost the money due to ‘bad luck’, which I believed it was.

It didn’t take long before I made the first deposit, going on the journey to win back my losses. This went with some ups and downs, but it was still harmless and I wasn’t really affected by it. The frustration after losing was just short term and I kept the money I invested within reasonable limits.

After a couple of years playing for fun, it spiralled a bit out of control during the summer of 2018. I had two summer jobs during the long summer holiday, so I made some decent money for the first time in my life. I decided to deposit a bit more than usual and started to play online poker again, with success. I gradually turned my €x deposit into €x and I started to believe in making a lot of money.

However, the unavoidable downswing came: I lost half my money during a couple of days, tilted, and lost the rest within an hour.

The next weeks were all aimed at winning my money back (I HAD to reach the €x again), but I miserably failed. I came close a couple of times, but the deposits kept increasing every time and at the end of the summer I had lost all the money that I made on my 2 jobs. In total it was about €x, serious money for an 18-year old, so I was devastated.

I wrote a letter to my dad to explain my situation and what had happened. Writing works better for me than talking about it.

His initial reaction was a bit angry, but he was mainly afraid. The fear of the consequences this could have for the rest of my life.

He said I would have to deal with this forever, and that I should never ever gamble again. I didn’t agree completely, but obviously he was right. We agreed to keep it a secret between us, as I was ashamed of what I did.

He decided to compensate my losses by giving me €x and made me promise to never gamble again. I kept the promise for years, but I would not be here if I really kept my promise.

This is part 1 for now. There are at least 2 or 3 more to come, but I will leave it here and see if anyone is interested in the remaining story.